Flotsam

Millie has been with The Company for nearly 85 years. She was a school chum of Emmy Post’s and is an expert on office etiquette. She is here to help.

Dear Millie,
I am a young editor and I like to keep up with the trends. But I am confused about what is and is not appropriate for the office. Can you help?
Trendy in Toledo

Dear Trendy,
I wish this were a more popular question. Many people are seemingly unconcerned about the grave effects their attire may have upon their co-workers. Here are a few guidelines:

1. While long, tiered peasant skirts are indeed ALL the RAGE as of late, please remember that it is very confusing to arrive at work in the morning only to wonder frantically whether you have stumbled into a Gypsy camp by mistake.

2. Jeans that would allow a passing coworker to perform a rectal exam upon you with minimal inconvenience are jeans that are too low.

3. “Highlights” are so named because they are supposed to resemble natural pigment variations in one’s hair caused by the sun, etc. If you have dark hair that you have chosen to afflict with startling, brassy stripes of blonde, please wear a hat during meetings so that others can concentrate upon the task at hand.

4. “Casual Friday” should not be interpreted as “Night Club Friday” nor as “‘I Heart Chocolate’ Sweatshirt Friday”

5. IF YOU ARE A MAN WORKING EARLY ON A SATURDAY MORNING YOU MAY NOT WEAR BIKER SHORTS OR SIMILAR EVEN IF VERY FEW PEOPLE ARE IN THE OFFICE AND YOU ARE A CYCLING ENTHUSIAST.

6. Anyone wearing leather pants on company time shall be docked one week’s pay. An additional one week’s pay shall be deducted for every 5 pounds said leather-clad employee is over his/her recommended body weight. In addition, each offending employee will have his/her cubicle walls moved in ONE INCH for every year they are over 20 years of age.
Yours,
Millie

Dear Millie,
I love coffee, I mean I really, really love it. Is this funny?
Jittery in Jarlsburg

Dear Jittery,
No. Unusually large coffee mugs, jokes regarding “needing your fix,” the word “java”—these things are not amusing and are, in fact, both embarrassing and grating upon the nerves.
Yours,
Millie

Dear Millie,
I am new to office life, and am still adjusting to the vocabulary. What does “Touch Base” mean?
Tongue-tied in Topeka

Dear Tongue-tied,
“Touch Base” is a baseball term. It is my understanding that in baseball, after making a “hit” one much “touch base” in order not to be tagged “out.” What you heard was probably a conversation about sports, as “Touch Base” has no other meaning.
Yours,
Millie