Flotsam

For those of you playing along at home, here is the annotated version of yesterday’s laboratory results:

FSH: 4.5—“Splendid!” says Dr. Google in his deep, authoritative voice, “Anything below 6 is excellent.”
LH: 9.4—Dr. Google shifts uncomfortably in his chair. “As you see here, I prefer an LH below 7. In addition…well, your LH is more than twice your FSH, giving you a LH/FSH ratio of 2.1/1 .” He sighs, “My colleagues and I agree that a ratio of about 1 is normal. Your elevated LH and high LH/FSH ratio are quite suggestive of PCOS.”
TSH: 2.12—The good Doctor gives a brisk nod. “Mid-level normal is 1.7, and we like to see something below 3—your number seems well within the acceptable range.”
DHEAS: 246—A small furrow appears in Dr. Google’s brow. “Women with PCOS generally have DHEAS levels above 200. Elevated androgens such as DHEAS are a characteristic of women with the syndrome.” He brightens. “Happily, your levels are not above the reference range, which means we can rule out adrenal tumors!!!”
Prolactin: 9.1—Dr. Google gazes fondly at my Prolactin result. “It’s beautiful,” he says in a hushed voice, “Just beautiful.”
17 OHP(hydroxyprogesterone): 88—“I hate to repeat myself, but remember what I said about androgen levels in the higher ranges being indicative of PCOS? This is in the higher ranges.”
Fasting Glucose: 80—“This level seems perfectly normal to me,” Dr. Google says, shrugging, “A few of my colleagues may find it a little low, but you can’t please all of the Internets all of the time.”
Fasting Insulin: 15.4—Dr. Google looks disappointed, and I hang my head. “With such a lovely, low glucose number, I guess I expected something different,” he says, reproachfully. He leaves the room. On my chart, he has written: “A fasting insulin of 10-13 generally indicates some insulin resistance, and levels above 13 indicate greater insulin resistance.”

So there you have it. Thanks to all who commented and emailed, especially Cass, reluctant monarch of all things Polycystic and Ovarian. After reading her comment I called my clinic back to ask Wherefore My Testosterone, anyway? and was told that it is still Pending, but should be ready Thursday. Apparently it is like the old rabbit-killing pregnancy tests—they inject a Cowboy with my blood and then split him open to examine his testes. Or something. Anyway, it takes a long time.

Other Monday Night Highlights:

I made the mistake of telling my mother and brother about the results.

My brother’s reaction was to make a noise of impatience and say “At least you don’t have Cancer, or something.” (Though if I did, I would doubtless be treated to the same dismissive eye rolling and something like: “Only stage 2? At least it isn’t stage 4. I don’t know what you’re so upset about.”)

My mother urged me to remember the power of Positive Thinking, and reminded me that I was Not A Doctor. And that the Internet Isn’t Reliable. I reminded her that the act of transferring information into an electronic format does not, in matter of fact, actually alter said information–A laboratory reference range is not “unreliable” simply by virtue of being on a screen rather than in a printed abstract.

After listening to my explanation of PCOS, she asked if it was genetic, and I said it might be, and she nodded in a satisfied way. “I probably had that too, before,” she said, characteristically.

The Nearly Fiance returned from a weekend trip and I hadn’t cleaned the apartment like I said I would, and Something Always Seems to be Wrong With Me, and unfortunately by the end of the evening I was sobbing into a glass of straight gin (but with an olive, to give the illusion of it being a proper drink).

Eventually the night took a turn for the better, when if was time for me to go to bed and I got to lay still in the dark and have The Nearly pet my hair and murmur things, but well, some of the spring seems to have gone from my step today, if you know what I mean.