Flotsam

I am sure you have all read about this on the websites of other bloggers much cleverer and more articulate than myself.
To clarify who would be affected by the bill:
“The bill does not apply to assisted reproduction in which the child is the genetic child of both of the intended parents”
So if you are doing IUI, IVF etc. without any donor sperm/eggs you would be allowed to reproduce (oh, thank you!) without completing the assessment,
Except:
“An unmarried person may not be an intended parent.”
So The Nearly and I would not even qualify to apply to be parents via assisted reproduction, even using his sperm and my eggs.

Reading the questions required for the assessment, I couldn’t help but think of some of the people whose qualifications for parenthood are not in dispute by the esteemed Legislature of Indiana. Those able to reproduce without medical assistance, whether Countess or Crack Whore, are not required to answer the questions in Section 12 of the bill. If they were, perhaps we would see an assessment like this…

“Sec. 12. (a) Before intended parents may commence assisted reproduction, the intended parents shall obtain an assessment from a licensed child placing agency in the intended parents’ state of residence.
(b) The assessment must follow the normal practice for assessments in a domestic infant adoption procedure and must include the following information:
(1) The intended parents’ purpose for the assisted reproduction.
Y’all, are you kidding? To have a baby!!!!!
(2) The fertility history of the intended parents, including the pregnancy history and response to pregnancy losses of the woman.
I don’t know what that first part means but I have never been pregnant except I thought I was that one time in high school when I let Jimmy Cooter put his you-know-what in my mouth and he didn’t take it out in time and I was worried some of his sperms might have made it down my throat into my lady parts but it turns out you can’t get pregnant that way if you use some Scope after.
I do not believe in abortion, and if I was pregnant and Lost the Baby my response would be to trust in God because He works in mysterious ways.
(3) An acknowledgment by the intended parents that the child may not be the biological child of at least one (1) of the intended parents depending on the type of artificial reproduction procedure used.
Well, I would just never do that to Billy. It will be his baby one hundred and 10 percent and if you are talking about that time last winter when I let his cousin kiss me I don’t think that is very polite of you to bring that up and anyway he was drunk.
(4) A list of the intended parents’ family and friend support system.
My sisters Laura and JennyLynn and my brother Jamie and JennyLynn has had kids since she was 17 so she has lots of experience. Jamie has a son who is 12 but we didn’t find out about that until last Christmas which was such a surprise because we all thought that girl just moved away because her Daddy got a job in Mobile.
(5) A plan for sharing any known genetic information with the child.
Genetic? Do you mean like if the baby looks like me or its Daddy? Because I think it will be able to see that for itself.
(6) Personal information about each intended parent, including the
following:
(A) Family of origin.
Well, my Daddy was Irish, before he died, but I don’t know about Momma and Billy says he is 100% American.
(B) Values.
I believe in Good Christian values and I have always said to Do Unto others like you want them to Do Unto Y’all.
(C) Relationships.
I think that is a very personal question and I am just not going to answer that.
(D) Education.
I went to High School all four years and so did Billy, and I was going to go to college to study Communication Studies, or maybe be a vet because I love animals, but then I met Billy and we had to get married.
(E) Employment and income.
I don’t believe a Mother should work outside the Home, but Billy has a roofing company and it is doing real good and he is always having to work nights. I don’t know how you can work on a roof in the dark but Billy says I don’t have a head for business.
(F) Hobbies and talents.
I have a lot of hobbies like entering contests and shopping and in the summer I like to swim. I do not have any talents but Billy is double jointed, and I think being able to work on a roof late at night takes a lot of talent.
(G) Physical description, including the general health of the individual.
Momma says my hair is brown but I think it is more of a dark blond and it gets real light when I use Sun-In. I think I look a little like that Heather Locklear and Momma always laughs when I say that I guess because I am so perceptive. Billy has brown hair and blue eyes and I think he looks just like that man in the ad for Stetson perfume.
(H) Birth verification.
Y’all. How could I be writing this if I hadn’t been born?
(I) Personality description, including the strengths and weaknesses of each intended parent.
I think I am fun loving and a good friend and my weakness is that I am Inpatient and that I do not always stick to my diet, but usually I make up for it later by how I do not have lunch. Billy is strong and silent and he loves God and his weakness is that he can never remember to put his clothes in the hamper.
(7) Description of any children residing in the intended parents’ home.
Well of course there are no children living in our home because I haven’t even finished this form, silly.
(8) A verification and evaluation of the intended parents’ marital relationship, including:
(A) the shared values and interests between the individuals;
Billy and me both go to the same church and we both believe in the Bible and we both even smoke Salem cigarettes although I will have to cut down when I am pregnant with the Baby.
(B) the manner in which conflict between the individuals is resolved;
We don’t have any conflict except when Billy found out about his cousin kissing me and that was more of a misunderstanding. And one time I found condoms in his truck when it was impounded because he was driving while under the influence, which means he was drunk, and I had to get the truck from the impound lot but it turned out Billy said those condoms belonged to his partner, who is Black and who is a very nice man.
(C) a history of the intended parents’ relationship.
Well, me and Billy met after Jimmy Cooter broke my heart and I was so mad at Jimmy because he said if I would let him do that with his you-know-what we would be together forever and then he broke up with me anyway. Well, Billy was working on my Momma’s roof and one day when I was so mad at Jimmy Billy came in and he was thirsty and I said I have some Pepsi up in my bedroom and the next thing you know we were married.
(9) Documentation of the dissolution of any prior marriage and an assessment of the impact of the prior marriage on the intended parents’ relationship.
So far I am only married to Billy and he is only married to me.
(10) A description of the family lifestyle of the intended parents, include a description of individual participation in faith-based or church activities, hobbies, and other interests.
Well Billy and me go to church every Sunday except he stays home sometimes when he was working real late the night before.
(11) The intended parents’ child rearing expectations and values.
Well if it is a girl I will watch her real close when she gets to High School because I don’t want her to make any mistakes like I did with Jimmy Cooter and Billy and I both agree that we don’t believe in Sex education because Sex is not for children except sometimes a boy cannot help himself because he has urges.
(12) A description of the home and community, including verification of the safety and security of the home.
We live in a Christian community and we don’t have a security system or anything but I always lock both the doors except when Billy is working late because sometimes he forgets his key and has to stay out all night.
(13) Child care plans.
I will take care of the Baby myself unless I am busy and then I will take it to JennyLynn’s house because she has so many kids anyway she won’t mind one more.
(14) Statement of the assets, liabilities, investments, and ability of the intended parents to manage finances, including the most recently filed tax forms.
Well. Y’all will have to ask Billy about that.
(15) A review of the local police records, the state and violent offender directory, and a criminal history check as set forth in subsection (c).
Well except for that time I told you about when Billy was drunk and he crashed the truck we don’t have a Criminal History and Billy is not violent unless he is really, really mad like when he hit his cousin with a bat after our Misunderstanding last winter.
(16) A letter of reference by a friend or family member.
Probably for a letter of Reverence you should ask my Pastor who has known me since I was born.
(17) A written consent from each donor, if known, to use of the donation in the assisted reproduction medical procedure.
????
(18) The recommendation for participation in assisted reproduction.
I think I should reproduce because it is natural and I think I will be a good mother. I am very loving and my cat Garth Brooks lived to be 22 which is old for a cat and I think I will do just as good of a job with a baby. He was the nicest cat you have ever seen and I used to feed him the fat-parts of bacon at breakfast because I hate the fat-parts and Garth Brooks loved them. Also I won’t be a mean mother who won’t let her daughter get her ears pierced just because she is only six even though Cindy got her ears pierced when she was five years old and they never even got infected except for the left one. Also since Billy works so much when I have the Baby I will have someone to talk to! “

I encourage you to write to these people and tell them exactly what you think of State Senator Patricia Miller’s brilliant idea.

UPDATE: Senator Miller has withdrawn the bill, as the issue proved “more complex than anticipated.” And besides, her publicist wouldn’t stop screaming at her, and she was worried about his blood pressure.