Shadows.
I have an anxiety disorder. I have panic attacks during which each minute feels tortuous and impossible, and I am not sure how I will last the hour. During these spells, I want to claw my way out of my skin, and am certain that I will feel that way forever, which I know I could not bear. I fear that I will never be able to handle normal, adult life.
Until last night, it had been a very long time since I had one. To be fair, it is possible that the fact that I consumed nearly my weight in pasta an hour or so before the attack (I know, I know, High Insulin, I will never, ever do it again) contributed. Probably my excruciating menstrual cramps didn’t improve matters. But the fact remains that I went to bed and started feeling…nervous. Then I got that restless feeling, that excruciating need to stretch your legs, arch your back, something–though doing so does not help. Then the panic started, and within 15 minutes I was having terrible intestinal cramps and shaking so violently I could not support myself. I crouched on the couch, my mouth dry, knees knocking together, teeth chattering, and feeling helpless to stop what was happening yet unable to bear another moment of it. I stayed like this, popping benzodiazepenes and trying to concentrate on the The Learning Channel, until 3:00 in the morning, when the third dose of Klonopin calmed me enough to sleep. When I awoke this morning, I felt rational again, and so, so relieved. For about an hour. Then–that jarring, breathless nervousness. More Klonopin, a hard boiled egg, and my nerves uncoiled themselves for a few more hours, and I did the laundry feeling normal.
But now it is there again, just behind my ribcage, and upwards, clenching my jaw–that swirling, terrible unreason.
I have never had the severe intestinal distress and shaking of last night–not trembling, mind you, that I have had, this was more of a joltingchatteringshaking–with a panic attack before, so I am hoping, really hoping, that it could have been blood sugar related and I am not losing my mind. Also, at first I was certain that my panic reaction was due to the Alluna (natural valerian) I took before bed (for sleep/anxiety–HA), which I had never taken before.
But I don’t know. I once lost it completely, as in hospital completely, and I am haunted by the spectre of that experience.
At least this has completely overshadowed the fact that I am going in for yet more (and stranger) tests tomorrow morning. Fasting, no less. I will tell you all about it if I survive the night (she said tremulously).
5 Comments
I get the restless leg, arching back and wanting to get out of your own skin thing, but not nearly as bad - I really feel for you. Hope you’re feeling better now.
I have a much milder form of panic attacks and that’s been enough of a taste that reading your post makes my heart absolutely ache for you. I’m so sorry.
I thought of you last night because on Discovery Health (which I almost never watch anymore) they featured PCOS on a show called Mystery Diagnosis. From about five minutes into the show I was shouting “PCOS!” “PCOS!” At the idiot general practitioner and GYN, I shouted “PCOS!” “PCOS!” Finally, when the poor woman who had been suffering since age 13, was in her late 20s a doctor diagnosed her and they got her on met and things got much better.
Mystery Diagnosis, my ass.
Awww, honey, that’s a crappy way to spend a night. I feel for you. I only had that once (and a much milder version) and I think it was a side effect of a medication. Blech.
I am thinking of you and your tests and hoping you’re able to update us on all the goings-on soon so we can commiserate about the obnoxiousness of it all. (Fasting bloodwork - what fun!)
I, too, get panic attacks, though not as severe as you have described. At those times I want nothing more than to fall asleep immediately and hope that when I wake it will be over. I generally take a big dose of Nyquil and hope for the best.
I hope this passes soon, as I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.
I’m really sorry for you… I got panic attacks too and I used a technique what experts usually call “Questions and Answers.” To begin, be seated comfortably with eyes closed, and begin mentally asking yourself some questions like What does it feel like to be calm and relaxed? and How would it feel right now if I were at peace with myself and the world?. When I asked the above questions calmly and slowly to myself, I usually got better quite soon. Just a recommendation, it could not do any harm. The best for you!!!