Flotsam

Friday night I returned home from work just before 9:00 p.m. I realize that for many of you, this is not an unusual occurrence. However, I start work at 6:30 in the morning, so, for me…it is.
I was there at the behest of the attorney on my tiny jurisdictional team, who gets into the office at 9:30 a.m. It was her fondest hope to build and send to manufacturing two books–not due to manufacturing until the middle of next week–by the end of Friday. This was primarily as a “surprise” treat for the other editor, who is in St. K!ts and will be returning Monday, {I think a Carr!bean vacation is enough of a treat, don’t you?} but also because the attorney will be taking an Out Of Office day for Halloween. My birthday. For which I cannot take an Out Of Office day, because I am using my one remaining vacation, sick, or personal day next Tuesday, the day of many tests.
I have not taken more than one consecutive day off this year. I have not taken a vacation. I have used my vacation time hour by hour to cover Doctor’s appointments and Lab tests. The closest I have come to “vacation” is leaving at noon once on a Friday in order to drive four hours to visit my Nearly In-laws. While the rest of the office will be largely absent at the end of December, I will be there, except for the paid company holidays of Christmas and New Year’s Day.
Luckily, I have an active imagination. After all, I will not be at work on Tuesday–it’s not exactly a spa vacation, but it’s still a vacation, in a way, is it not?
Here is my itinerary:

Monday: Get in touch with your monastic side with an evening of fasting! Wise men believe the practice of depriving the body of food brings one closer to God. If you get close enough, feel free to ask Him why His Plan for Britney Spears includes children yet His Plan for you includes only strangers with specula.

Tuesday: Arise early and enjoy a leisurely drive through rush hour traffic to The Lab. Here, you will be treated to a luxurious Two-Hour Glucose Tolerance Test, balanced by a brisk thyroid workup. Allow yourself to be soothed as one of our charmingly surly lab technicians draws half-a-dozen vials of blood for baseline glucose and insulin levels, as well as free T4 and thyroid antibodies tests. As you will no doubt be parched after the vigorous blood-letting, we offer you a drink of the purest, orangest Glucose, prepared by squeezing the sweetness from the last six people to urge you to try Positive Thinking as a method of curing anovulation. Then, relax in our lavishly appointed waiting room with a book—may we suggest “Diabetes and You,” “Thyroid: Why?” or, if you are in the mood for something lighter, perhaps a biography of Andre the Giant!
Your morning may be punctuated by bouts of hyper- and then hypo- glycemia, but our plush carpets provide a soft cushion should you lose consciousness and fall from your chair. Trips back and forth from the lab to the waiting area for repeat glucose and insulin blood draws are a pleasant and diverting way to exercise those leg muscles!
Later, challenge your mind by attempting to secure from the Nurse a date by which your test results will be available. According to the AMA, puzzles and games such as these can help to stave off Alzheimers!
In the afternoon, Treat Yourself …To a 90-minute therapy session with a trained mental health professional.

Thursday: Place a call to the clinic to request the results of Tuesday’s tests. Relax and listen as the strains of “Careless Whispers,” played by a breathy flute, ease you into a sort of fugue state for the 20 minutes during which you are on hold.
Your remaining schedule will be flexible. Will the Nurse return to the line to issue a chipper yet vague “Everything looks Great!” before promptly hanging up, leading you to repeat the entire process in an attempt to discover the actual numbers that look so “Great?”
Probably.
But after that—who knows? Perhaps you will return for another round of pampering blood tests. Perhaps you will relax and put your feet up in one of our exam rooms as a hygienically gloved Wand Technician massages the interior of your abdominal cavity. Perhaps you will merely return home for a good cry.
Whichever way things go, we hope you will remember your vacation with us fondly, and carry the experience with you in the moist recesses of your battered, beating heart…always