Flotsam

On Thursday, day 27 of my cycle, I had some pink spotting. Now, I don’t spot, except for the day before my period, so my initial thought was that for the first time in my life I was about to have a 28-day cycle, the kind you read about in books. {Well, actually, my initial thought was “Implantation Bleeding!” which I won’t even go into except to say I am on Progestin, i.e. birth control, but, apparently, my foolish twittery knows no bounds.} Anyway, my “28 day cycle” never materialized, the spotting was gone by the next day, and here I am waiting (again) for my cycle to end so that I can move forward.
Next on my agenda: deciding whether or not to chart during this next pointless sands-through-the-hourglass-of-time month. Dr. Doctor said it “might” be useful. It would certainly snap me out of this pesky good mood I am in this morning, as charting reveals nothing except the fact that my body can’t even pull itself together long enough to ovulate.

Here is how it usually goes:

Day 1: Have argument with self/Internet regarding whether this is really Day One, punctuated by many trips to the bathroom for Evaluation. Decide it is. This is not a surprise as your temp dropped yesterday and you have been peeing on sticks for a week. Feel relieved to be starting new cycle, about which, come to think of it, you have A Good Feeling.
Day 2: Snap awake at appointed time. Take temperature. Enter into charting software.
Day 3: See Day 2.
Day 4: Wonder how you will ever make it to the end of the month. Feel certain you will be dead by then—brain will have exploded messily.
Day 5: See Day 4.
Day 6: Start to get angry—why isn’t period ending? Period will never end, just like that time in college—will bleed for 22 days. Google “Period typical length.”
Day 7: Period ends. Begin thrusting fingers towards cervix to examine CM each time you are in the bathroom.
Day 8: See Day 4. Continue with the bathroom examinations.
Day 9: Google “CM day 9,” “CM cd 9” and “OPK when to start using.”
Day 10: Cue sleeping problems: begin waking at 4:30—too early to temp, too close to normal waking time to allow for recommended 3 hours uninterrupted sleep before taking temperature. Take temperature, doze for an hour, take temperature again. Get up and fiddle with temp adjuster in charting software. Cry a little. Google “BBT charting sleeping problems” “BBT charting wake up early” Continue bathroom examinations. Google “CM by cycle day”
Day 11: With a full bladder, stare at clock trying not to think of waterfalls, garden hoses, or babbling brooks. Must wait two hours. Wait one hour, forty-five minutes, then sprint to bathroom and pee all over OPK and part of hand. Examine OPK. Wish you had a chromometer.
Day 12: See Day 11.
Day 13: During bathroom examinations, gasp, then rush to desk to Google “Egg white CM” “EWCM” and “EWCM cd 13 ovulate?”
Day 14: Wonder if OPK lines are the same color. Break open OPK case with fingernails and remove test strip. Hold strip against piece of plain white paper and study from different angles in different lighting situations. Edge of test line looks as dark as control line, but the rest is obviously lighter. Google “OPK test line control line edge same color.”
Day 15: OPK is obviously positive. Remind self that this is what a positive OPK looks like, resolve to remember this for your next cycle—of course you will do no such thing.
Day 16: Google “How long positive OPK ovulation?” Wonder if you are ovulating right this very minute.
Day 17: See Day 16.
Day 18: Temp rise! Well, not a big one, but enough, you think. Figure out possible due date based upon ovulation.
Day 19: Temp drops a little. Google “BBT charting fallback stair step rise 2 dpo.”
Day 20: Temperature rising very slowly. Google “BBT charting slow rise pregnancy?”
Day 21: Temperature remains steady. Discover that by messing about with your temperatures and setting the ovulation detection to “Research,” you can get a dotted coverline. With most of your “pre-ovulatory” temps above it. During bathroom examinations, notice EWCM. Again. Google “EWCM after ovulation.”
Day 22: Temperature falls again, below coverline. Google “Implantation dip 5 dpo?”
Day 23: Temperature stays down, EWCM increases. Even chimerical coverline removed. Take OPK. It is negative.
Day 24: Temperature stays down, EWCM increases. Take OPK. It is blindingly positive.
Day 25: See Day 16.
Day 26: See Day 17.
Day 27: See Day 18. Google “Positive OPK twice ovulation?”
Day 28: See Day 19.
Day 29: See Day 20. Take HPT in case you ovulated the first time. Negative.
Day 30: See Day 21.
Day 31: See Day 22.
Day 32: Temperature stays down. Google “Temps below coverline pregnancy?” Take an HPT. Break open case with fingernails and remove test strip. Hold strip against piece of plain white paper and study from different angles in different lighting situations. Negative.
Day 33: Temperature rises a little. Poke at your breasts to check for soreness. Take an HPT. Wish you had a chromometer. Negative.
Day 34: Temperature drops. Take another HPT. It is more than negative: it is antimatter. Google “Implantation dip low temps 8 dpo.” Start spotting. Charting software begins offering you facts about anovulatory cycles. Sob brokenly.
Day 35: See Day 1.