Flotsam

Has anyone else noticed the preponderance of pregnancy-and-miscarriage-related subplots on television lately? Most notably on abc?
Now, I admit that I only watch two shows on that network, but let’s review:

First: Sandra Oh’s character on Grey’s Anatomy falls pregnant–an apt term in this case as said pregnancy occurs approximately 71/2 minutes after she begins sleeping with whats-his-name.
Next: Ectopic pregnancy! Because Sandra Oh’s high-powered-surgical-intern character couldn’t have a baby, of course, but neither would abc’s sponsors approve of her actually getting—as her character intends–an abortion.
Next: Gabrielle on Desperate Housewives is attacked and Falls Down The Stairs—this is, after all, the leading cause of miscarriage. Haven’t you people seen Gone With The Wind? As she is ambulanced away, she clutches her ultrasound photo.
Next: Gabrielle learns to acknowledge her grief over her lost child—lots of shots of baby clothes and a ceremony in a park during which she releases a balloon.
Next: The Squat N’ Sassy resident on Grey’s Anatomy is pregnant!
And then, last night: Grey’s Anatomy presents: quintuplets! One of the doctors says to the mother “I guess you should have read the fine print on those Fertility Pills.” (what “Fertility Pills” are these, I wonder?) After hearing the Doctor’s snarky comment The Nearly blanches and turns to me—“Is there something you’re not telling me?” he asks. He does not want quintuplets—are we having quintuplets? Twins, he could do, but FIVE BABIES AT ONCE? I explain about monitoring during injectables cycles, and the number of embryos transferred during IVF cycles. He still looks nervous. I remind him that the woman on Grey’s Anatomy is not, in point of fact, a doctor–she merely plays on on T.V. He is soothed, and we watch the rest of the episode together. Said episode ends with preterm labor and emergency Caesarian.
Next Week On Grey’s Anatomy: A whole episode in the NICU! Babies coding right and left, etc. etc.

The Nearly suggested that perhaps “abc” stands for “All Baby Carnage.”
Or “All Baby Channel” or “Ack! Baby Casualty.”

I have started getting the bills for the parts of the Diagnostic Tilt-a-Whirl (DTAW) not covered by insurance—i.e. the wandings and bloodlettings performed before my deductible had been met. The Nearly was scandalized by the exorbitant charge for an ultrasound, but as I reminded him, Nobody Rides (the wand) For Free. Having now met our deductible, we are determined to squeeze as much of the remaining portion of the DTAW in as possible before my insurance clock resets in January. Thus, the following tests will be performed upon us in the FOUR DAYS leading up to the New Year:
The Nearly’s Sperm Analysis, my LH (again), FSH (again), Free and Total Testosterone (again), 17OHP (again), DHEAS (again), Complete Thrombophilia Panel (Thanks to T), and Baseline ultrasound (again).

My veins ache just reading that.

As a sidenote, I made the call to schedule the thrombophilia panel and SA this morning from a quiet phone in a friend’s office (with a real door), specifically because I hate talking to Nurse Deaf-as-a-Goddamned-Post about delicate medical subject matter from my own office, where I am easily overheard.
I got the clinic’s voicemail.
Fine.
I left a very, very detailed message so that I wouldn’t have to repeat everything (loudly) when I got a call back. An hour later, I was back at my desk when the phone rang:

PHONE: Brring! Brrriiing!
ME: This is Alexa.
NURSE DAAGP (of course): Hello?
ME: Yes?
NURSE DAAGP: This is Nurse Deaf-as-a-Goddamned-Post. I received your message—Now, you said you wanted to schedule something for your husband?
ME: Partner, yes.
NURSE DAAGP: And what was it you needed to schedule?
ME: A…An analysis.
NURSE DAAGP: What sort of analysis?
ME: Oh, you know. Whatever you usually do.
NURSE DAAGP: What?
ME: THE USUAL ANALYSIS.
NURSE DAAGP: Is this bloodwork?
ME (very quietly): No, thisisforasemenanalysis.
NURSE DAAGP: Eh?
ME: Semenanalysis!
NURSE DAAGP: I’m sorry, dear, I can’t hear you.
ME: SEMEN! SEMEN ANALYSIS!

I swear the bitch just wanted to make me yell “SEMEN!” at my place of work.