Why I Will Never Be Employee of the Month.
Please accept my apologies for not having time to write an actual post. Work, at the moment, is thoroughly kicking my succulent white ass.
I hope you will accept the following poorly-written rhyming poem instead–it is titled “What I Wrote Instead of Taking Notes During Yesterday’s Two-Hour-Long ‘New Product Development’ Presentation:”
What I Wrote Instead of Taking Notes During Yesterday’s Two-Hour-Long “New Product Development” Presentation,
By Alexa Flotsam
‘Tis the month before Christmas
and the season begins,
with a shower—
for your friend who is pregnant with twins!
The guests rub her belly
and ask: “Pink or Blue?”
while you gorge yourself on champagne and fondue.
Then the questions begin:
“Why are you waiting?”
“Why aren’t you properly fat and gestating?”
“Actually,” you say,
“It’s because I’m Infertile.”
But they brush this aside as a miniscule hurdle:
“My sister’s aunt’s cousin’s wife’s hairdresser’s niece
got pregnant
as soon as she found Inner Peace!”
“Have you given up dairy?”
“And coffee?”
“And drinking?”
“Traded sarcasm for Positive Thinking?”
“Or fertility emblems!”
“From Mayans and Druids!”
“Robitussin to free up your cervical fluids!”
You try to stay calm
And focus on luncheon
You try not to smash in their skulls with a truncheon
“Really,” you say,
“it’s more complicated
than just having sex with your ass elevated
or giving up things of which you are fond:
I spend my time speared on an ultrasound wand!”
You tell them of catheters, semen collections,
doctors and nurses and pills and injections–
you talk about ICSI and the Follistim Pen,
you walk them through transfer–again, and again.
The women are nodding!
Could they…understand?
One of them smiles and touches your hand:
“I want you to know that I truly do wish
you success
with your needles and glass Petri dish…”
“BUT…
if that doesn’t work…
I think you should opt
to take a vacation!!
Relax!!!
Just adopt!!!!”
14 Comments
Oh, dear god… this is so completely fabulous I just can’t stand it.
If I credit you, can I turn this into my Christmas Card for this year? And yah… I’m quite serious!
Damn. When I’m not taking notes at a meeting, I’m usually just doodling. You, my dear, are WAY more productive than I. And damn funny to boot.
BRILLIANT! Truly. :-) And you were able to write that while all your company drones rambled on and on in the background? Wow.
This is awesome, but I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It’s all so true. We are just in the beginning stages of infertility. The first person I confided in asked why we don’t adopt. The road ahead looks long.
I think I have a serious girl crush on you.
Alexa, this is truly ARTE. With an “e.” That makes it even ARTIER.
An instant classic.
Fantastic. I’m printing this out.
De-lurking to say you nearly made me wet my pants.
That was just fantastic.
Just recently found you by way of another blog.
Love the poem!! Maybe we could put it to music and it could be the Infertile Theme Song?!?
Wish I could be so creative.
Brava!!!! Clap clap clap clap
Grinning like a fool here…
Standing O for you, my dear!
Recently found your blog and so glad I did. That is hilarious. I second the motion to set it to music. It will be the hottest download.
Alexa, I would have used this in my holiday cards if I already hadn’t sent them out with just the normal, boring form letter. Damn!
That’s some funny shit, woman. How did you keep a straight face while you were composing it?
Seriously, that was funny. If only there were a virtual “infertile fridge” where we could post all the great poems.