Why I Will Never Be Employee of the Month.

Please accept my apologies for not having time to write an actual post. Work, at the moment, is thoroughly kicking my succulent white ass.
I hope you will accept the following poorly-written rhyming poem instead–it is titled “What I Wrote Instead of Taking Notes During Yesterday’s Two-Hour-Long ‘New Product Development’ Presentation:”

What I Wrote Instead of Taking Notes During Yesterday’s Two-Hour-Long “New Product Development” Presentation,
By Alexa Flotsam

‘Tis the month before Christmas
and the season begins,
with a shower—
for your friend who is pregnant with twins!
The guests rub her belly
and ask: “Pink or Blue?”
while you gorge yourself on champagne and fondue.
Then the questions begin:
“Why are you waiting?”
“Why aren’t you properly fat and gestating?”

“Actually,” you say,
“It’s because I’m Infertile.”
But they brush this aside as a miniscule hurdle:

“My sister’s aunt’s cousin’s wife’s hairdresser’s niece
got pregnant
as soon as she found Inner Peace!”
“Have you given up dairy?”
“And coffee?”
“And drinking?”
“Traded sarcasm for Positive Thinking?”
“Or fertility emblems!”
“From Mayans and Druids!”
“Robitussin to free up your cervical fluids!”

You try to stay calm
And focus on luncheon
You try not to smash in their skulls with a truncheon

“Really,” you say,
“it’s more complicated
than just having sex with your ass elevated
or giving up things of which you are fond:
I spend my time speared on an ultrasound wand!”
You tell them of catheters, semen collections,
doctors and nurses and pills and injections–
you talk about ICSI and the Follistim Pen,
you walk them through transfer–again, and again.

The women are nodding!
Could they…understand?
One of them smiles and touches your hand:

“I want you to know that I truly do wish
you success
with your needles and glass Petri dish…”

“BUT…

if that doesn’t work…
I think you should opt
to take a vacation!!
Relax!!!
Just adopt!!!!”