Flotsam

I have been busy. Actually, saying I have been busy is a bit like saying that ketchup is a vegetable (thank you, Mr. Reagan) in that it contains a kernel of truth but falls pitifully short of a full explanation. Actually, as tomato is a fruit, I don’t think that analogy holds up particularly well, but as previously mentioned, I have been very busy—too busy to come up with alternate analogies.
I called the TDOTP, and the answer, unsurprisingly, was No.
However, rather than being the steel-fisted crusher-of-fates I had imagined, TDOTP was quite charming and complimentary. It is hard to dislike someone whilst they are saying nice things about you, especially if you are burdened with a crippling insecurity and the need for validation from others, as I am. Anyway, the story is this: when the BA-Less MFA Candidate snuck into The Program, there was a different Provost, a kinder, gentler Provost, and apparently requests such as mine live or die at the pleasure of the Provost. So there was nothing to be done, and the quality of my writing didn’t even come into the matter, as Provosts do not concern themselves with such things.

The Nearly urged me to view this as a blessing—not even in disguise, but rather, as he put it, having just been “roughed up a little.” After all, he was a student of The Program for three years, and found it lacking–this was the source of his conflict with TDOTP, in fact. The Nearly asked me, quite reasonably, whether The Program would have made my list of MFA programs to which to apply, had my credentials not been an issue. I was forced to admit that it would not have. It has no teaching fellowships, and no professors whose work leaves me moist with excitement.

I have found a reputable school that offers a BA in writing, and will allow me to complete said degree online. Before last week, the only online programs I had found either a) were not reputable enough for me to deign to attend them (ha!) or b) offered only degrees in disciplines such as “Marketing and People Pleasing” and “Businesslike Managerialness.” It is only thanks to the Nearly’s uncharacteristic purchase of the magazine “Poets & Writers” (with scary Franz Wright on the cover!) that I learned of this–quite new–program. The unfortunate side effect of its reputability is that it requires an actual application with essay and letters of recommendation and a phone interview.
Also, in order to get a transcript from one of my previously attended universities out of hock, I will have to pay a hefty fee to the Bursar’s Office of said previously attended university, where apparently I have a five-year-old outstanding balance of over $1000. Of course, I didn’t find out about this until I requested my transcript. Apparently they have been sending threatening notices to a five-year-old address of mine. My position is that if they cannot get my address right, they do not deserve to be paid their $1000, but we have agreed to disagree on that point and in order to move things along I am probably going to have to write them a large check.

So here is the new plan, which I am referring to as Operation: Mortar Board or Operation: Hairshirt, depending upon my mood:
1. Write large check to previously attended university
2. Apply to BA program for May term
3. Use BA program to perfect manuscript for MFA applications
4. Speedily finish BA (I am hoping to finish in a year—we will see how realistic that is.)
5. Apply to MFA programs (I can apply when I am within one semester of graduation.)

This plan will give me the advantage of being able to apply to any program I like, as once I have my degree I will actually be a rather attractive candidate. So that is delightful. Also delightful is the fact that the Nearly and I have decided not to change our “plans” to have a baby.
Or, no, that seems a bit optimistic, at this point. Make that “plans” to get pregnant.
Or, okay—“plans” to ovulate.

So I have been very busy with all of that, as well as with social engagements–my nights-out-per-week index is hovering at “five,” up from my usual “zero.” It is exhausting, transforming from a social chrysalis into a social butterfly. In addition, I have been Working Out (very pleasing because now the Nearly can say “You look good, do you Work Out?” and I can say “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”) and have a whole post brewing about my recent odysseys in the world of diet and exercise, and dozens of blogs to catch up on, but all of that will have to wait until at least tomorrow afternoon, because I have a friend of the Nearly’s coming over for cocktails in a few hours and THEN, tomorrow morning, I am having breakfast with my mad-scientist father whom I haven’t seen in over a year and who unexpectedly called last week.
And that is at least one whole other post right there, as well.