A Piece Of The Pie.

I didn’t post last night, which is just as well. If I had, it would have been whiny and sauced with hysteria, topped by a generous garnish of maudlin. If you like, you can recreate my Thursday evening yourself—it will be fun! Like a science experiment!
Directions: Take one girl, who has never been ecstatic about her looks, add an endocrinological disorder that takes her from 98 to 150 pounds in a year, and show her pictures of herself. The result will be shock and disorientation, then panic, followed closely by gulping sobs, a frantic round on the elliptical trainer, the contemplation of taking up crime fighting in order to have the option of covering her face with a mask, and finally, being held by her significant other while she wails “I w-w-wish I were p-pr-prettier!”
Anyhow, if I had followed up my last post about my period with a post about wishing I were prettier, I would probably have woken up this morning to find that Flotsam was now being sponsored by The Oxygen Network and Cathy comics, and I couldn’t let that happen.
So. Lets talk about something else. My move, for instance.

The Nearly and I have lived in the same apartment for the past two years. It has lovely hardwood floors and original woodwork, granite countertops in the kitchen, built-in bookcases, and a large sunroom we use as an office. Our neighborhood is a rapidly gentrifying area of St. Paul near the cathedral—lots of scrumptious restaurants, old houses in the process of being restored, and colorful characters like the old man with the oxygen tank yelling in Navajo, and the knife brandishing occupants of our dumpster. Sure, one of the residents of our building was recently assaulted 10 feet from the front door, but mmmm—homemade cherry vodka from the Russian place across the street!

However the expense, it is killing us. Or, rather, it is killing me that we spend so much money on housing with no equity to show for it. We pay more in rent a month than many people pay for their mortgage—lets just say something over $1000.
So we started looking at houses. Now, I know you east and west coasters will scoff at the notion, but the Twin Cities housing market is horrendously high-priced. We could afford a lovely house…an hour outside of the city. Or, alternatively, in a neighborhood in which I would need an armed bodyguard to accompany me after dark. And of course there is the fact that we may end up moving in two years, when I start grad school.

Last Saturday, the Nearly and I were dog-sitting for my mother. My mother’s house is in a sheltered neighborhood in St. Paul called St. Anthony Park. SAP is like a small town nestled inside the city—vintage houses, trees, a park, a miniature Carnegie library, and a cluster of small businesses (Bookstore! Wine shop! Coffee house! Market! Restaurant with creamy tortellini from God!). The atmosphere is very Stars Hollow. The neighborhood has its own newspaper, an elementary school, and a disproportionate number of professors due to the proximity of the University. It is also so far out of our price range, you would think the houses were carved from gold and ivory, and encrusted with golf-ball-sized diamonds (they’re not, by the way).
Where was I?
Oh yes, last Saturday. The Nearly and I were in the wee market near my mother’s house, buying supplies for the next day’s Confabulous, when we saw an ad on the bulletin board. For a duplex, two blocks away. For $250 dollars a month less than we are paying now.
I called that afternoon to set up a showing for the next morning.
“What’s your name?” asked the woman on the phone, and when I told her, she asked “Did you ever work at Manning’s?”

To make what is becoming a very long story short(er) I did indeed once work at Manning’s–a diner that used to be where there is now the aforementioned coffee house, across from the aforementioned bookstore and wine shop. One evening when I was seventeen, a woman and her husband came in with a nine-day-old baby in a sling. I wasn’t actually their waitress, but I kept bringing them water/napkins/coffee as an excuse to look at what was the tiniest human I had ever seen. The parents were very young and hip, and the first parents I had met who were still…interesting-seeming (I was seventeen, after all—I didn’t yet believe in life after children). They became my regulars at the diner, and I became their babysitter. I moved away for school a few years later, but I ran into the mother several times over the subsequent decade, and we were always delighted to see one another. She is a freelance writer, their first daughter has grown shockingly (to me) old, and they now have a second biological daughter, as well as recently adopted twin boys from Africa.

And now they have bought the duplex next door to their house and are renting it out.

And we are moving in on June 1st.

To say that this feels like a miracle of serendipity doesn’t begin to cover it. Our new home is four doors down from the coffee house, on a quiet beautiful street, in the top half of an old blue stucco house. There are two vast and sunny main rooms separated by a wide arch–rooms with hardwood floors and an entire wall of windows. There are two bedrooms, one for me and the Nearly and one to be used as an office, or, later, perhaps, as a room for a…small person. There is a sizable kitchen and a not-so-sizable bathroom and more closets than we need. There are graciously arching trees. There is a backyard–something we have never had, and there are FREE LAUNDRY FACILITIES.

There will also, I am certain, be an opportunity for you all to see first-hand the havoc that moving wreaks upon my nervous system, but I shall not think about that now.

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Addicted To Glove.

This morning at one o’clock, the world was sheathed in blackness. Somewhere, woodland creatures burrowed further into their nests, perhaps emitting a diminutive snuffle of content. Birds tucked demure heads under their wings, stars winked sleepily from above, and in a bed in St. Paul, my eyes snapped open.

Motherfucker, I thought, I’m awake.

Yesterday I started temping. The night before I placed my thermometer next to my bed, set an alarm for six o’ clock, and went to sleep…until 3:01. And then back to sleep…until 4:45. When I woke at 5:48 I went ahead and took my goddamn temperature.

Today it was 1:00, 1:22, and 5:00. When I woke up for the fourth time, at 5:27, I heard my thermometer laughing at me from its protective plastic case.

I have started charts at both Fertility Friend and iVillage, which uses Ovusoft. Why two, you ask? Because I don’t know how to determine the first day of this charade of a cycle. I know, I know, first day of red blood, spotting doesn’t count. I do have fingers, you know, I can Google as well as the next girl.
I woke up in the early hours of Monday morning (4:57, if you must know) with cramps, went to the bathroom, and saw red blood. Excellent! Let the games begin! I threw in a tampon and went back to bed. In late morning, I noticed the bleeding had slowed to something like spotting, only bright red. Maybe somewhere between spotting and a light period. By evening it had stopped.
So…was that day one, or is day one the next day, when things began in earnest?
Broken and sleep deprived, I started two separate charts, one for each contingency. Not that it matters, as I can’t get an accurate temperature reading due to the manic breakbeat that is my Circadian rhythm.

The one redeeming feature of being diagnosed as anovulatory and in need of fertility treatment was supposed to be that I would never have to chart again.

I miss Dr. Doctor, my beloved guru of all things reproductive and endocrinological. I miss her gentle, hygienic touch, the easily discernible ultrasound screen, the scientific drip of my blood into a labeled vial. Like Beth, who had a lovely post on the subject, I miss having someone to tell me what is happening with my body. Instead I am left adrift to interpret signs that feel as reliable as tea leaves. Remember? I might as well cast a handful of Runes onto the ground to predict my cycle length.
I thought about calling the clinic and saying that this isn’t working out, that my feet are itching for the stirrups and couldn’t they just wand me next week, just a little, and tell me what my ovaries are doing in there? But the whole point of flying solo until a luteal phase progesterone level is to save money, not to blow hundreds of dollars on ultrasounds that reveal yet another anovulatory cycle, merely to determine whether the Metformin has had an impact, especially when I still have a few scraps of dignity left that could so easily be disposed of with a week or two spent scrutinizing my cervical output in the bathroom at work.
Besides, charting will occupy my mind, which is so direly in need of occupation this month what with starting school next week and moving three cats, the Nearly, a few thousand books, and myself out of my apartment. Not to mention the daily homework for my class on stress-reduction techniques.
Actually, that I have been doing. It goes like this: I remember at the end of the night that I forgot to do said homework, panic, and have to do a breathing exercise to calm myself down.

Next: A post about school! OR a post about moving! Or, maybe, a post about tonight’s episodes of America’s Next Top Model and Top Chef (don’t you wish that were just one show—“America’s Next Top Model and Top Chef”? All those inane yet beautiful girls screaming about how they aren’t there to make friends, just like ANTM, only with more knife wielding? And Tyra saying “She takes beautiful pictures, but her Osso Buco was dreadful!”?).
Anyhow, I’ll figure that out tomorrow.
I can think about it during all that time I spend awake in the night…

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Hotdish.

Oh sweet, sweet Interweb. Sweet, sweet high speed connection. As I mentioned last week, I am house-sitting for my mother while she is in Switzerland. My mother has a fancy piano she never plays. My mother has a tiny Chagall hanging above said piano. And yet, my mother has dial-up. Obviously someone’s priorities are not in order. I have a high speed internet connection in my apartment, and if that means that I must live on Soup-at-Hand and peanut butter sandwiches, so be it. I ground my teeth to nubs trying to keep up with your blogs from my Mother’s house, and finally I cracked and DROVE HOME TO MY APARTMENT to use the internet.
Anyway, here I am, back in the world of zippy information exchange. I think I will be posting every day for a while, if you don’t mind. Usually I try to give everyone a chance to comment before I post something new, because I would hate to miss revelations like these or stories like these, but I am on day two one two one of my hateful charting cycle, I just found out I am moving, and I start school in a week. So I have lots of inane, whiny things to say, and I doubt I will be able to wait two whole days between posts to say them. You will just have to try to keep up. Or not.

Sunday was Confabulous The Second. I am sure those who were unable to attend clamor for details, and so here are a few of the more notable ones:

Erin did not show up. At first I was unconcerned, certain she would simply appear the next day. But other members of the party were less convinced, and an eventual check of my email (very…slowly, courtesy of my mother’s dial-up) revealed that she was unable to attend due to a last minute torrent of vomit produced by her husband and two children.
• Due to an underwire mishap, I was forced to wear a bright blue bra. I thought the shirt I chose to wear concealed that fact. It did not.
• Even after all the “Ha ha, I’ll try not to burn anything this time! jokes, I managed to burn some of the bacon.
Molly is as tiny and gorgeous as ever. Hair? Still shiny. Tooth? Still charmingly removable. I cannot help but harbor fantasies of building her a comfortable (but tightly-locked) cell in my basement, so that we may spend our evenings together, eating cheese and mocking things.
• Jennifer, whom I met in my class and tricked charmed into becoming my friend, not only has no blog of her own, she has NEVER READ A BLOG. Well, actually she probably has now, because I gave her my site address before she left. Hi Jennifer! Anyway, we bullied her into agreeing to start one, as everyone knows that an infertile without a blog is like a bluebird without a song, or a Shriner without a tiny, tiny hat.
• Jennifer and I were the only ones drinking, which I somehow interpreted as an imperative to pick up the alcoholic slack by consuming half a bottle of champagne.
• Molly’s husband is very attractive, and not at all what you would expect given his fondness for “Magic: The Gathering.” He took a picture of us that I am sure would have been lovely were it not for the fact that in it my breasts glow like blue beacons, and appear to be each roughly the size of Molly’s head.
• Two days ago, while I flew around the kitchen filling ice buckets and wrapping presents and emitting a high-pitched whistle of anxiety, the doorbell rang. When I answered it, I saw an attractive woman with perfect eyebrows and a manicure that caused me to glance down at my own fingernails and wish I had worn mittens. It was DD, arriving for the Confabulous. I am sure nearly everyone reading this knows DD. I am sure because she is omnipresent in our wee blogosphere–always commenting, always offering her condolences or congratulations, always offering her support. She has recently been delivered a crushing blow, and I think a little wagon-circling is in order. Please visit her here.

Apparently if there is one thing characteristic of life it is the inopportune sandwiching of disparate ends of the emotional spectrum. One minute you are held aloft on a pinnacle of mimosas and goodness, the next you are flat on your back in the mud. And just when you’ve become accustomed to life in the dirt, you find yourself climbing out of it again.

I wish you all more days on the pinnacle than in the slop. And I will see you tomorrow.

Comments (13)

Party All The Time.

1. Let’s start with a quiz—I know, I know, you haven’t studied. Too bad. This will count for 89% of your final grade.

Yesterday Alexa considered taking a pregnancy test because:
a) She had what she suspected was morning sickness.
b) She was fatigued, and felt a frequent urge to urinate.
c) Her period was late.
d) She was stuck behind a van with the license plate “HCG” for the duration of her evening commute.

See? That was easy. Alexa: 1, Logic: 0.
For the record, my period isn’t due for almost a week, and I am on BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. But who knows more about my reproductive status than the DMV and random traffic patterns?

2. Sunday (at noon, until the breaka breaka) is Confabulous 2: The Drinkening. I am dog-sitting for my mother, who is in Switzerland, and have decided to host at her gracious home rather than my squalid apartment. There are couches free of cat hair at my mother’s house, and enough glasses that no one will have to drink their mimosa out of a mason jar (incidentally, due to my dish crisis I have decided that if I do have a baby, I will have to feed it by putting food in a Ziploc bag, cutting a hole in the corner, and squirting the mush directly into my progeny’s mouth). Another reason for holding the soiree Chez Mere is that it is right off the highway for the out-of-state attendees, and besides, it has been ten years since I have had a party at my mother’s while she was out of town. Her well-stocked liquor cabinet has nothing to do with the venue change. Really.
I am planning to send out an email with directions this afternoon, so if you would like to come, but have not RSVP’d, now would be the time to do so.
In attendance will be:
Me
Molly
Erin
DD
Jennifer–A friend from my class. I am going to go right ahead and assume that the reason she doesn’t have a blog is that she would rather not share her intimate details with all and sundry, and so her name is all you get.
Possibly, hopefully EJW

Attendees hail from Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and Nebraska. In case it is too early for math where you are, I will tell you that is FOUR STATES. It will be like the UN, only with more casserole.

Perhaps a few of you are still on the fence, wondering “Why should I set aside my weekend plans to attend an event in the barren Midwestern hinterlands?” Well, for one thing, it was 85 degrees here last week. We are having beautiful weather. And here’s another reason: I called Molly to go over some details and left her a message. She just sent me an email telling me that my phone voice sounded “…very professional. Warm. Confident.”
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MISS HEARING MY WARM AND CONFIDENT VOICE IN PERSON?

3. There are three days until I take my last birth control pill. A month from now I will be in Dr. Doctor’s office, having my blood drawn for progesterone and insulin tests and twitching quietly. Probably there will be eine kliene wandmusik as well. My shopping list for this weekend:
1. Ovulation Predictor Kits
2. New thermometer
3. Robitusson
4. Cyanide Pill

4. The Nearly’s cousin, who miscarried just after I last did, and who got pregnant again a few months later (last summer, just as I was starting to wonder whether something might be amiss with my Lady Cycles), delivered a baby girl last night. That’s a lot of Sands through the motherfucking Hourglass Of Time, yo.

5. Operation: Mortar Board Hairshirt has hit a bit of a snag. My application deadline is only days away, and so I spent yesterday making phone calls, ensuring that all of my transcripts and letters of recommendation had been sent. Only I was under the impression that I needed TWO letters of recommendation, when upon closer perusal of my application materials, it appears there were supposed to be THREE. I am a letter short, and it is too late to ask anyone else to write one. I am thinking I will call Admissions, pretending to studiously inquire about my application status. When they tell me a letter is missing, I will ask which two they have received. And then I will feign concern and say “Really? You mean you don’t have the letter from Professor Meniscus Fishwater? How strange… Luckily, I have a copy of it right here, I will read it to you. It says ‘The world has never known a writer, nay, a human being, as magnificent as Alexa Flotsam.’ I hope that helps!”
Yes, that is my plan. Unless one of you wants to write something.
Ha ha, I am only kidding. Sort of.

6. I think we have all learned something about human nature from the comment counts on my last two posts.

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They Call Me Pollyanna.

I was going to post this last week, but was loathe to stopper the flow of hilarious bile from the comments section. Also, truth be told, I was having a difficult time posting a list of things I adore when so many bloggers were getting dreadful news, or deciding to stop writing altogether. But if I were going to add items to my list of things I dislike, asymmetry would be one of them (along with any performance that involves audience participation, hard-boiled eggs, and grape popsicles) so here you are:

50 THINGS OF WHICH I AM FOND:

1) Cheese—I adore Taleggio. And blue cheese of any sort. Or–goat cheese flavored with honey. Also Manchego, or sharp white cheddar, or, I know! A nice triple crème like Pierre St. Robert! And don’t forget Parmesan.
2) Cardboard cummerbunds that prevent one’s fingers from being scalded by paper coffee cups
3) Lip balm, or rather lip balm that doesn’t fuck around. My lips laugh at Chapstick. The laugh and laugh, and then they crack right open. Some examples of acceptable lip balm include Philosophy Kiss Me, Smith’s Rosebud Salve, and Kiehls Lip Balm #1.
4) Sex
5) Ativan
6) The subjunctive—practically a whole tense devoted to “if.” It is the wistful tense. It is my favorite tense, and yet it is shunned. LONG LIVE THE SUBJUNCTIVE!
7) Lamb Korma from India Chef Happy Palace
8) The comma
9) Goats—I plan to have one as a pet some day, and name it Schneehopli, and it will eat all of my extra tin cans.
10) Television (particularly Gilmore Girls and The West Wing)
11) Coconut: some of its most inspired uses include Godiva dark chocolates filled with coconut cream, Thai coconut soup, and the Pina Colada.
12) Cinnamon
13) The feature that allows me to moderate comments on this blog and put certain phrases (like “BUY XANAX NOW CHEAP” or “HOT PORN LADY!!!”) on a watch list
14) Toilet paper–such as the lovely Charmin–that does not scrape mercilessly at my nethers
15) Dancing in my kitchen until I am panting and noodle-legged—if there is a more effective mood adjuster, I have yet to find it.
16) Cooking anything, but particularly my spaghetti carbonara, especially when combined with #15 and a cocktail
17) Target
18) When I have been up all night, perhaps worrying, and the sun starts to come up, and everything seems better, and I fall asleep in my bedroom with the window open and birds outside…
19) Cats, particularly this one
20) My books, to whom I plan to dedicate my first book–because without them none of this would have been possible.
21) A nice cup of tea (my new favorite? Stash Chai Spice.)
22) A hot bath, with bubbles, preferably from this
23) People who correctly use the words “fewer” and “less”
24) Taking pregnancy tests
25) Typing when I have just had a manicure
26) Netflix
27) The Internet—and its index, Google
28) Apple computers
29) Looking at water that goes all the way to the horizon
30) Looking at flat land that goes all the way to the horizon
31) Rock beaches on the North Shore
32) Photographs
33) March and October
34) Mose Allison
35) Tuna Melts
36) Saffron, particularly in lobster ravioli with saffron cream sauce from Café Centocette in New York
37) The smell of Gardenias
38) Ginger ale
39) Reading Rex Stout mysteries when ill
40) My whip
41) Trains
42) Room service
43) Bourbon, especially in a Manhattan, which I am no longer allowed to have thanks to my hateful migraines—A Dirty Martini is the new Manhattan.
44) The first person point of view
45) White wine that tastes like butter
46) Sea salt—on everything
47) My eyes, which are blue, quite large, and my best feature
48) Peonies
49) The Nearly
50) My dear readers, sweet as sticky rice, delightful as bacon

Comments (16)

I Didn’t List Tapered Jeans Because I Would Hope You Already Know Better.

Please leave your own dislikes in the comments. But hurry, because tomorrow-ish I will be posting 50 Things I Like, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to miss the chance to bond via our mutual hatred.

And remember, this is by no means a complete list…

50 THINGS I DISLIKE:

1) Milk chocolate
2) Anxiety attacks
3) Tom Cruise
4) Gauchos—and let me just say that it alarms and saddens me that their popularity forces me to place them in my 50 Things, thereby acknowledging their existence
5) Pastoralism
6) The overly crunchy ends of croissants
7) Bangs like these
8 ) Strawberry seeds
9) The excessively tan, especially when they are Caucasian girls wearing their hair in cornrows
10) Caucasian girls wearing their hair in cornrows, especially when they are excessively tan
11) Turtlenecks worn beneath sweatshirts/sweaters
12) Berets worn by persons other than elderly Frenchmen (There are a few exceptions to this rule, but a very few.)
13) The phrase “healing process” when it is not being applied to something physical and concrete, such as the formation of a scab
14) People who would describe themselves with the phrase Free Spirit
15) Aviator style/ wraparound sunglasses, esp. of the mirrored variety
16) The movie Top Gun
17) Fans of the movie Top Gun
18) The name “Brittany,” especially when shortened to “Britt,” and greatly exacerbated if “Britt” is the captain of a high school sports team
19) Ethan Hawke
20) America’s Funniest Home Videos—explain to me why watching a man being sexually assaulted by an elephant is “funny.”
21) Strapless bras that seem perfectly content to stay up only until you have purchased them and are wearing them in a public place
22) Members of writing workshops who greatly (and evidently) admire the writing style of the Beat generation
23) Tuna melts about which the menu says, simply, “Tuna Melt,” that turn out to be aggressively flavored with lemon zest
24) My stomach’s apparent delight in growling whenever it would be most noticeable and inappropriate for it to do so
25) Slam poetry that takes itself seriously
26) Modern dance that is composed primarily of silent twitching—please ask yourself whether your “dance” could be easily performed by any epileptic with a leotard. If the answer is yes, it is time to reevaluate your career choice.
27) Mullets, male
28) Mullets, female
29) The Cartesian world view
30) Your name, if it is Fifi and you are not a poodle
31) Doctors who think that telling a nervous person they will die young if they do not reduce their stress level is conducive to reducing said nervous person’s stress level
32) Processed “cheese”
33) Cold luncheon meat
34) The phrase “luncheon meat”
35) The phrase “I’d like to pick your brain,” because EW
36) Barky, yippy, yappy dogs
37) UB40
38) The color combination teal & mauve
39) Persons who spell the words “for” and “to” with numbers
40) Cathy comics
41) Long hair on men
42) Raffi—I actually hated him even more as a child than I do now.
43) Junior High School
44) Football
45) Jim Carrey
46) Jade on Americas Next Top Model—SO, SO MUCH
47) Nurses who call you with test results but attempt to substitute a chirpy “Everything looks fine!” for said results: unless it is a “yes or no” blood test—i.e. “Yes, you have cancer,” or “No, Jermaine is not the father”—I would like the results relayed in the form of actual numbers, rather than your boundless but unfounded optimism.
48) Walmart
49) The assertion that wearing lipstick and/or attractive shoes is incompatible with feminism
50) Anyone, including myself, touching my belly button

Comments (24)

Try Not To Get Thee To A Nunnery.

Wednesday I attended the first class of a ten-week Mind/Body Infertility Program. The program was developed by Alice Domar, a professor of medicine at Harvard who conducted studies showing that patients suffering infertility report levels of stress as high as those with cancer or AIDS. Domar studied the effects of relaxation exercises upon fertility, or some such, and developed a ten-week course to reduce anxiety and depression in infertility patients. A course I am now taking.
Now, when I first heard of it, I thought it sounded like a very expensive way to be told to Just Relax. But I am willing to stipulate that stress, anxiety, and depression do have physiological repercussions, and thankfully, Domar’s book goes out of its way to emphasize the fact that infertility is a medical condition—no amount of mantra meditation is going to unblock someone’s tubes or cause me to ovulate.
Besides, I am not taking this class expecting to become expecting. I am taking it for two reasons:
1. I have an anxiety disorder, and even were I fertile as a clam I would be in a position (namely: prone, weeping) to benefit from a bit of stress relief.
2. The opportunity to spend ten weeks with other women going through infertility, with the possibility of tricking one of them into being friends with me…well, this was simply not an opportunity I could pass up.

So how did it go, you ask? Well…let me tell you.

TUESDAY EVENING: I finally get around to perusing the program outline. I knew that partners were invited for the ninth week class, which is a couples retreat–I think there is Yoga involved, and more importantly, a catered lunch. What I did not know is that partners were to attend the first week as well. The Nearly, of course, is out of town.
Huh.
WEDNESDAY–(Times Are Approximate):
4:53 PM: The class starts at six–I leave work, driving Mario Andretti-like towards downtown…for the first five minutes, until I find myself behind a baseball-capped young man in a green Honda who is simultaneously conducting an animated cellular phone conversation and searching for something on the floor of his car. I know this because he occasionally drops out of sight, phone to ear, popping up moments later with something in his hand which he then throws into the backseat. The clock ticks, and I fume, my foot tap, tap, tapping the accelerator. My hair looks awful, I need a shower, and I have not eaten since breakfast. Also, the Nearly returns late tonight, and I have yet to clean the apartment (See Lethargy, Metformin-Induced).
5:13 PM: I sprint from my car to my apartment, lunge into the kitchen, and smear some peanut butter on a piece of bread, which I then fold in half and consume with one hand as the other sweeps empty water bottles into a large garbage bag and stacks dirty dishes in the sink.
5:19 PM: I wash three plates, one bowl, four forks, three glasses, and a pan. The effect on the dirty dish pile is negligible.
5:25 PM: I yank off my sweater and pants, look at the clock, and realize there is not time for a shower. I also realize I have no clean clothes, and the ones I just removed are wet from my rapid-fire dishwashing. I pluck a skirt and shirt—both wrinkled—from my dry-cleaning box. I spray myself liberally with perfume.
5:30 PM: Slather face with Benefit Moonbeam in attempt to approximate clean glowing complexion without actually washing face. Apply bronzing powder, which blotches. Wash face.
5:32 PM: Reapply makeup, blow dry already dry hair in attempt to fluff it up. This backfires dramatically.
5:38 PM: Attempt to smooth tumbleweed atop head. Flip ends up w/ curling iron. Want to cry but don’t, as it will ruin my makeup.
5:42 PM: Rush out the door.
5:43 PM: Rush back in the door to slather lotion on my legs, revealed by combination of skirt and sunlight to be dry and reptilian.
5:44 PM: Back in my car, I decide to take side streets in order to avoid the congested highway. A white Buick turns onto the road in front of me.
5:50 PM: Still driving behind Buick. Though “driving” may not be the most accurate term. So—Still coasting behind Buick.
5:56 PM: White Buick turns, and I lurch forward through a red light. Here I go, making up for lost time!
5:57 PM: Beige Oldsmobile turns onto the road in front of me.
6:06 PM: I jolt into the parking lot of the center where the class is to be held, on the campus of a Catholic college. I burst from my car and clomp up the steps. There is a sign by a doorbell which I ignore, flinging open the outer door only to come to a crashing stop at the—very locked—inner door.
6:07 PM: I go back outside and ring the doorbell. The sign above it says “For admittance, please ring the doorbell. One of The Sisters will be with you shortly.” Fine. It’s a Catholic college, after all.
6:09 PM: I am back in the vestibule when the inner door is answered by a tiny, tiny woman in a long, holy-looking smock. Another tiny be-smocked woman peers from the shadows.
“Yes, My Child?” says the nun. Well, not the “My Child” part, actually.
“I’m here for the infertility class!” I burst.

I wish I were a skillful enough prose stylist to convey the depth of shock on her wizened face. Alas, you will just have to use your imagination, and try to picture the facial expression of a 96-year old Catholic virgin—a Bride of Christ—when she hears the phrase “I’m here for the infertility class.”
Please remember that what she actually heard was probably “Please direct me to the class for those attempting to thwart God’s Will.”

6:10 PM: A moment of silence, during which I cast my eyes into the space beyond the doorway. Huh. Large cross. Darkened halls. Less community center, more Nunnery. Oh my god.
“There’s no class like that here,” says The Sister.
6:11 PM: It is determined that I am in the wrong building. The Center is a nearly identical building half a block West on campus.
6:12 PM: I go there. As quickly as possible.
6:14 PM: I skid, singly, into a room full of couples holding hands. My therapist, who runs the class, is speaking from the front of the room. 28 heads swivel my way. I shuffle down a row into an empty seat—between two couples. I smile at them wildly.
6:15 PM: Sitting there, I notice a…scent. I realize that the “lotion” I hurriedly smeared on my legs (back at 5:43) was a never-before used bottle received as a Christmas gift. Never-before used because it is aggressively scented with papaya. It does not mix well with my perfume. I smell like fruit rotting. In a whorehouse.
6:18 PM: Each time one of the couples on either side of me changes position, I am convinced they are trying to escape the smell that wafts sickeningly from me. I am massively relieved when we are told to pull our chairs into a large circle. I pull mine towards the back of the room—near the door, for ventilation.
6:20 PM: Once settled, we are asked to take turns stating our name and One Interesting Thing About Ourselves. People mention their occupations, the college they attended, recent travels, or the fact that they raise champion Pit Bulls. I am panicking. I can feel everyone thinking I am too young, not infertile enough, that my legs smell like Paris Hilton. It is my turn.
“I’m Alexa…” I say. Now an interesting thing! Anything—I have three cats! I love cheese! My legs don’t normally smell like this!

“Well, I just frightened a nun!!!” I shrill instead.

Pray with me that first impressions are overrated.

Comments (23)

And I Don’t Eat Cats, Either. *UPDATED*

So, there I was, innocently reading my email, when I opened a Google News alert and read the following:

Odd-Looking Pig Focus of Research Into Diabetes, Infertility, Heart Disease.
WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind., March 31 (AScribe Newswire) — Despite the exaggerated, wrinkly snout and long, coarse, spiky hair reminiscent of the 1980s television space alien ALF, some very special swine are helping researchers at Purdue and Indiana universities understand human infertility, diabetes and cardiovascular disease.
In addition to their odd appearance, these Ossabaw pigs are predisposed to metabolic syndrome. The disease includes a host of health problems, including obesity, insulin resistance leading to Type 2 (mellitus/adult-onset diabetes), hypertension, artery-clogging bad cholesterol and triglycerides, and abnormally high blood clotting. Many of these same features are characteristic of polycystic ovary syndrome, an illness that leads to infertility in 5 percent to 10 percent of reproductive-age women.”

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present you with the new face of PCOS:
alf
The Nearly, as expected, finds this HILARIOUS. I think I might be a bit offended.

I would just like to state, for the record, that I LOOK NOTHING LIKE ALF. Really. Ask Molly. Molly? Do I look like ALF?

Incidentally, this brings up something I have been wondering about for a while. A few years ago, ALF had a brief resurgence in popularity. He was on commercials, featured in ad campaigns–there were news stories about his “comeback,” for heaven’s sake.
Now generally, when a has-been (sorry ALF) stages a comeback, it is due to his persistence and desperation dedication, and the persistence and desperation dedication of his management team.
I don’t want to disillusion anyone, but ALF is…well, he’s a puppet. I assume that when ALF “retired,” he “retired” to a cardboard box somewhere. Probably an archival-quality cardboard box, but a box nonetheless. So, my question is, who orchestrated this “comeback?” Does ALF have an agent? A manager? A burning desire to rise above B-List puppet stardom? It disturbs me.

But back to the Polycystic Pigs:

“The pigs’ estrus cycle will be monitored as one way to determine if the animals are experiencing PCOS, since one syndrome characteristic is very irregular cycle lengths. In addition, egg quality will be studied by using sperm from male Ossabaws for in vitro fertilization.
Two or three times a week, using ultrasound, we’ll look at the ovaries of reproductively mature pigs to check follicle growth and development and see if they become cystic,’ Krisher said.”

Those poor motherfuckers.
***

I am trying to be chipper for your sake, but truly, I feel awful. No—I feel AWFUL. Really. If I knew how to change font size, I would type it in 20-point letters: A to the W to the F-U-L.
When I upped my Metformin dose to 1000 mg, I felt better than I had on half that. Actually, I felt better than I had without the medicine at all. It was odd, but a delightful surprise. My side effects were negligible, my mood was better, and I was uncharacteristically energetic. I felt ready to proselytize. So, after a week on 1000 mg, I upped my dose to 1500—which, from everything I have read, is the lowest recommended dosage. This was last Friday night.
Saturday I felt headachey and disinclined to move, but nothing unmanageable. Sunday was a nightmare. I was tired, weepy, and migraine-y. Not a single food appealed to me—not even cheese—and merely watching an entire Gilmore Girls episode seemed unduly strenuous. I napped and cried and gobbled aspirin.
Two things exacerbated the situation:
1. I am prone to migraines at the end of my period.
2. The Nearly is out of town until Wednesday.
I know that number two does not seem like it should be an exacerbating factor, but for whatever reason, I started crying when he left and have felt fragile and whimper-ready ever since. Don’t judge me.

Today has been a little better, but not much. I have the same monstrous headache I have had for three days, and I feel exhausted and feverish and as if I am 5-10 seconds from uncontrollable sobs. I have started doing the thing I do best, which is to take a temporary feeling I have and extrapolate it outward, ruminating on the dire implications for my future. For example: I can never have children because I feel too sick and tired to do the dishes and a girl who is too sick to wash a plate certainly should not be raising the youth of America.
I believe this is what the Metformin package insert calls “Malaise.” I would classify it as somewhere between “Meh” and “WAAAAAAA!”
I am trying to decide whether to back off the 1500 mg, or push through it. On the one hand, if I return to 1000 mg and eventually get pregnant and miscarry (again), I will blame myself for not being on an effective dose. On the other hand, I am dying.
Any thoughts? Will it get better? Should I tough it out, having made it this far?
Or alternatively, perhaps you know someone who was insulin resistant and ovulated/carried to term on less than 1500 mg of Metformin?
I throw myself on your mercy. And then I am going home to throw myself into bed.

UPDATE: I stuck with the 1500 mg, thanks to your encouraging words. Feel a bit better. Though also a bit offended that Molly hasn’t yet piped up to assure my readers that I do not resemble ALF.

Comments (20)
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    My mother first brought this to me from a trip to Burgundy, and I rationed it out like some precious, rare natural resource. Now I find they carry it at a cheese shop in town! Joy! Mustard for everyone! Add a little when deglazing a pan and pour the pan sauce over fish, chicken, petit filet...mmmm.

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