Apr
12

I Didn’t List Tapered Jeans Because I Would Hope You Already Know Better.

Please leave your own dislikes in the comments. But hurry, because tomorrow-ish I will be posting 50 Things I Like, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to miss the chance to bond via our mutual hatred.

And remember, this is by no means a complete list…

50 THINGS I DISLIKE:

1) Milk chocolate
2) Anxiety attacks
3) Tom Cruise
4) Gauchos—and let me just say that it alarms and saddens me that their popularity forces me to place them in my 50 Things, thereby acknowledging their existence
5) Pastoralism
6) The overly crunchy ends of croissants
7) Bangs like these
8 ) Strawberry seeds
9) The excessively tan, especially when they are Caucasian girls wearing their hair in cornrows
10) Caucasian girls wearing their hair in cornrows, especially when they are excessively tan
11) Turtlenecks worn beneath sweatshirts/sweaters
12) Berets worn by persons other than elderly Frenchmen (There are a few exceptions to this rule, but a very few.)
13) The phrase “healing process” when it is not being applied to something physical and concrete, such as the formation of a scab
14) People who would describe themselves with the phrase Free Spirit
15) Aviator style/ wraparound sunglasses, esp. of the mirrored variety
16) The movie Top Gun
17) Fans of the movie Top Gun
18) The name “Brittany,” especially when shortened to “Britt,” and greatly exacerbated if “Britt” is the captain of a high school sports team
19) Ethan Hawke
20) America’s Funniest Home Videos—explain to me why watching a man being sexually assaulted by an elephant is “funny.”
21) Strapless bras that seem perfectly content to stay up only until you have purchased them and are wearing them in a public place
22) Members of writing workshops who greatly (and evidently) admire the writing style of the Beat generation
23) Tuna melts about which the menu says, simply, “Tuna Melt,” that turn out to be aggressively flavored with lemon zest
24) My stomach’s apparent delight in growling whenever it would be most noticeable and inappropriate for it to do so
25) Slam poetry that takes itself seriously
26) Modern dance that is composed primarily of silent twitching—please ask yourself whether your “dance” could be easily performed by any epileptic with a leotard. If the answer is yes, it is time to reevaluate your career choice.
27) Mullets, male
28) Mullets, female
29) The Cartesian world view
30) Your name, if it is Fifi and you are not a poodle
31) Doctors who think that telling a nervous person they will die young if they do not reduce their stress level is conducive to reducing said nervous person’s stress level
32) Processed “cheese”
33) Cold luncheon meat
34) The phrase “luncheon meat”
35) The phrase “I’d like to pick your brain,” because EW
36) Barky, yippy, yappy dogs
37) UB40
38) The color combination teal & mauve
39) Persons who spell the words “for” and “to” with numbers
40) Cathy comics
41) Long hair on men
42) Raffi—I actually hated him even more as a child than I do now.
43) Junior High School
44) Football
45) Jim Carrey
46) Jade on Americas Next Top Model—SO, SO MUCH
47) Nurses who call you with test results but attempt to substitute a chirpy “Everything looks fine!” for said results: unless it is a “yes or no” blood test—i.e. “Yes, you have cancer,” or “No, Jermaine is not the father”—I would like the results relayed in the form of actual numbers, rather than your boundless but unfounded optimism.
48) Walmart
49) The assertion that wearing lipstick and/or attractive shoes is incompatible with feminism
50) Anyone, including myself, touching my belly button

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |