Apr
19

Party All The Time.

1. Let’s start with a quiz—I know, I know, you haven’t studied. Too bad. This will count for 89% of your final grade.

Yesterday Alexa considered taking a pregnancy test because:
a) She had what she suspected was morning sickness.
b) She was fatigued, and felt a frequent urge to urinate.
c) Her period was late.
d) She was stuck behind a van with the license plate “HCG” for the duration of her evening commute.

See? That was easy. Alexa: 1, Logic: 0.
For the record, my period isn’t due for almost a week, and I am on BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. But who knows more about my reproductive status than the DMV and random traffic patterns?

2. Sunday (at noon, until the breaka breaka) is Confabulous 2: The Drinkening. I am dog-sitting for my mother, who is in Switzerland, and have decided to host at her gracious home rather than my squalid apartment. There are couches free of cat hair at my mother’s house, and enough glasses that no one will have to drink their mimosa out of a mason jar (incidentally, due to my dish crisis I have decided that if I do have a baby, I will have to feed it by putting food in a Ziploc bag, cutting a hole in the corner, and squirting the mush directly into my progeny’s mouth). Another reason for holding the soiree Chez Mere is that it is right off the highway for the out-of-state attendees, and besides, it has been ten years since I have had a party at my mother’s while she was out of town. Her well-stocked liquor cabinet has nothing to do with the venue change. Really.
I am planning to send out an email with directions this afternoon, so if you would like to come, but have not RSVP’d, now would be the time to do so.
In attendance will be:
Me
Molly
Erin
DD
Jennifer–A friend from my class. I am going to go right ahead and assume that the reason she doesn’t have a blog is that she would rather not share her intimate details with all and sundry, and so her name is all you get.
Possibly, hopefully EJW

Attendees hail from Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and Nebraska. In case it is too early for math where you are, I will tell you that is FOUR STATES. It will be like the UN, only with more casserole.

Perhaps a few of you are still on the fence, wondering “Why should I set aside my weekend plans to attend an event in the barren Midwestern hinterlands?” Well, for one thing, it was 85 degrees here last week. We are having beautiful weather. And here’s another reason: I called Molly to go over some details and left her a message. She just sent me an email telling me that my phone voice sounded “…very professional. Warm. Confident.”
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MISS HEARING MY WARM AND CONFIDENT VOICE IN PERSON?

3. There are three days until I take my last birth control pill. A month from now I will be in Dr. Doctor’s office, having my blood drawn for progesterone and insulin tests and twitching quietly. Probably there will be eine kliene wandmusik as well. My shopping list for this weekend:
1. Ovulation Predictor Kits
2. New thermometer
3. Robitusson
4. Cyanide Pill

4. The Nearly’s cousin, who miscarried just after I last did, and who got pregnant again a few months later (last summer, just as I was starting to wonder whether something might be amiss with my Lady Cycles), delivered a baby girl last night. That’s a lot of Sands through the motherfucking Hourglass Of Time, yo.

5. Operation: Mortar Board Hairshirt has hit a bit of a snag. My application deadline is only days away, and so I spent yesterday making phone calls, ensuring that all of my transcripts and letters of recommendation had been sent. Only I was under the impression that I needed TWO letters of recommendation, when upon closer perusal of my application materials, it appears there were supposed to be THREE. I am a letter short, and it is too late to ask anyone else to write one. I am thinking I will call Admissions, pretending to studiously inquire about my application status. When they tell me a letter is missing, I will ask which two they have received. And then I will feign concern and say “Really? You mean you don’t have the letter from Professor Meniscus Fishwater? How strange… Luckily, I have a copy of it right here, I will read it to you. It says ‘The world has never known a writer, nay, a human being, as magnificent as Alexa Flotsam.’ I hope that helps!”
Yes, that is my plan. Unless one of you wants to write something.
Ha ha, I am only kidding. Sort of.

6. I think we have all learned something about human nature from the comment counts on my last two posts.

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |