Last Dispatch From The Nether Region.
I’m going to go back to talking about events occurring ABOVE MY WAIST any minute now, I promise, but first let me tell you about Nurse Asshat, whom I spoke with about my results, and who makes Nurse Deaf-as-a-Goddamned-Post look like a beacon of intelligence and compassion.
So—Thursday morning I had my blood drawn by The Absentminded Phelbotomist, who left me with a trackmarked inner elbow that I didn’t notice until I later caught one of the cafeteria workers at my office staring at it—but ah well. I’m sure it adds to my mystique.
That afternoon, I returned from my weekly staff meeting to half of a cryptic voicemail message:
“—unfortunately, too low to confirm ovulation. Garble garble, GARble, garblegarble…Please follow up with Dr. Doctor if your period hasn’t started by then.”
Huh.
I called the clinic—answering machine. At this point, knowing that any message that included the phrase “too low to confirm ovulation” couldn’t be good news, I went to the vending machine and bought two carbohydrate-laden bags of Cheez-its. I was feeling rebellious. I didn’t call the clinic again. In fact, I had decided that I would never call them back, and that perhaps I would move far, far away, to live on a temperate island populated with smiling natives who had never heard of ovulation. Perhaps I would wow them with my magical pregnancy-predicting sticks. Perhaps they would crown me their queen.
By the next morning, I was feeling stronger, if slightly hungover, and I called Dr. Doctor. Only she wasn’t in. Nurse Asshat, however, was. Here is an excerpt from our conversation:
NURSE ASSHAT: Your progesterone level did not indicate ovulation.
ALEXA: What was my level?
NURSE ASSHAT: We look for a level of five to confirm ovulatory activity.
ALEXA: So…mine was under five?
NURSE ASSHAT: Yes.
ALEXA: Do you have the number?
NURSE ASSHAT: It was under five.
ALEXA: Yes, but was it under one, like a decimal—zero point six, or point four, something like that?
NURSE ASSHAT: I don’t know what you mean. Any level under five is too low to reliably confirm ovulation.
ALEXA: Yes, but…COULD I PLEASE HAVE THE ACTUAL NUMBER?
{Pause, shuffling papers}
NURSE ASSHAT: Four point three.
ALEXA: Ah.
NURSE ASSHAT: Yes.
ALEXA: So, last week I asked about progesterone supplementation—did you have a chance to ask Dr. Doctor about that?
NURSE ASSHAT: Dr. Doctor did see your results, and she said you could raise your Metformin to 2000 mg.
ALEXA: Did you ask her about progesterone?
NURSE ASSHAT: We supplement levels between five and fifteen. Your level was under five.
ALEXA: Oh. Well, not for this cycle, but I would feel much better with supplementary progesterone for future cycles. I’ve had two miscarriages before eight weeks, and I know my levels were below five this time, but if I up my Metformin and…
NURSE ASSHAT: You can come in seven days after your next suspected ovulation for another test, and if your levels are between five and fifteen…
ALEXA: Isn’t that a little late?
NURSE ASSHAT: I don’t know about that. We only supplement levels between five and fifteen.
You get the idea. Now, I know the best way to increase progesterone is by strengthening ovulation rather than supplementing in the luteal phase. Come on people, it’s me. You know I’ve Googled phrases containing the word “progesterone” over 300 times since Thursday. The attitude of most doctors towards luteal phase supplementation is “Can’t hurt–might help.” As anyone who has had a couple of miscarriages can attest, “might help” is reason enough to try—if someone told me that Kung Pao Chicken was thought to maybe, possibly reduce early miscarriage risk, I would eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until the second trimester. So…can’t someone just prescribe the *&@# Crinone?
Unfortunately, it appears that if I want supplementation, I will have to synthesize progesterone myself in a makeshift home laboratory.
I’m retiring my thermometer for at least the next month. Full time job + full time school + imminent move = No time for my vagina.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Coming up: A post about moving! A post about yoga! A post about yoga for moving! Also, sometime this week I will post pictures of my new home, while it is still empty–before I clutter it up with cats and books and the underwear that the Nearly is constitutionally unable to remember to pick up from the bathroom floor.


19 Comments
Well, damn. I’m probably just making this up, but maybe they don’t supplement if your level is too low to indicate that you’re ovulating because if you start progesterone immediately after you think you might have ovulated but you actually haven’t yet, then you definitely won’t. Or something like that. But maybe there’s another option rather than waiting until day 7 past suspected ovulation to see. Could you ask Dr. Doctor about ultrasound and bloodwork monitoring around possible ovulation time? I know that sometimes it’s hard to tell by ultrasound what’s actually going on though.
Very frustrating!
And yes please, pictures of the house.
I am rolling my eyes in sympathy for you. Why . . . WHY are we surrounded by dumbasses.
Fucking progesterone.
I have a theory. Most women, specifically pregnant women, are either morons or afraid of their doctors. I don’t know how this can be, but it’s the only explanation.
Why else would your doctor’s office try to bushwack you, when you clearly are an informed, logical and intelligent person capable of making decisions about your own medical care?
As for boosting ovulation rather than supplementing the LP (and maybe this is totally moronic assvice, in which case slap me) what about Clomid?
Ugh, I HATE that attitude of, well, this is information about YOUR body and YOUR health but we will withhold as much detail as possible until you demand it, kicking and screaming. So frustrating.
Yeah, that nurse sucks. I hate that nurses never answer the damn phone. Sorry about your progesterone, maybe next time.
I think Nurse Asshat just earned her name even more. What a biddy. I tend to agree with EJW, what about trying Clomid? Evil-making drug that it is.
Another point, why would anyone beg for progesterone if they didn’t need it - I mean does Nurse Asshat think you are going to go freebase some progesterone? What the hell? If you have sense enough to ask for it - then they should at least entertain your request. Of course you might be selling pussy pops on the black market?
freebasing progesterone–i like it.
dumbfuck nurse asshat–all part of the broader conspiracy to discipline our bodies. grrr. lady, this is MY progesterone level.
What kind of progesterone do you want?? I have suppositories that I will never use, and I might even still have a bottle of PIO. I am at a new clinic and I have no idea what they prescribe, but since my last place just kept sending me stuff that I didn’t really need, I have extra. If you would like any of it, please let me know.
My clinic had me start progesterone at 2dpo, and never checked my 7dpo level. A 10 day LP after my first cycle, plus my request for progesterone was sufficient. Can you ask to speak directly to a doctor?
I really, truly cannot believe that Nurse asshat is welll… such an asshat. Cripes!
I can also donate suppositories to the Alexa progesterone supplementation project, if you like.
maybe there is some black market for progesterone that we don’t know about? women who get a fix from progesteron suppositories?
and why do medical professionals like to keep our medical information from us? my nurse, who i love, always sounds so suprised when i want actual numbers.
i have not had time to google this, but i have heard that yam cream (?) or something like that has natural progesterone.
My god, after dealing with a conversation like that, I can’t believe you didn’t reach through the phone lines and throttle that fucking moron.
One thing that is somewhat problematic about the progesterone supplementation is that you will likely have to start a day or two after ovulation, but if you do that, then there really isn’t any point in finding out if you ovulated by checking your 7dpo progesterone level since the supplement will artificially inflate the results. I got around it by asking them to check my progesterone level the day after I ovulated, during which time it should be around 1 or 2. Most doctors are hesitant to do this, though, because it’s pretty early and the progesterone may not have begun to rise.
Good god, is there anyway you can bypass that insufferable woman?? What’s her deal, anyway?
And, you know, whenever you need to discuss “the area,” with us, no worry. It’s all good!
Hate the nurse double speak. Blah.
Nurse Asshat = jackass. Oh boy.
Sorry for all the BS.
And why the hell is everyone always so reluctant to give us exact results!! GRR!!
I’m with the outraged chorus of why the hell won’t they just GIVE US THE DAMN NUMBER when we ask for it. What on earth do they think we are going to do with it? The market for freebase progesterone is clearly big and growing, do you think the market for progesterone numbers is going the same way?? Sheesh.
You have my righteous indignation.
I hate RE nurses so freaking much. I have never had a good one and I know very few people who have. It seems there should be a higher level of compassion among these women, not lower as is usually the case. Whey do they always make us feel like we are being unreasonable for asking questions at best, or hysterical at worst. Hate.
Good luck with the move. Thinking of you.
Hey, how are your nethers doing these days?
Blimey you write well.