May
22

Last Dispatch From The Nether Region.

I’m going to go back to talking about events occurring ABOVE MY WAIST any minute now, I promise, but first let me tell you about Nurse Asshat, whom I spoke with about my results, and who makes Nurse Deaf-as-a-Goddamned-Post look like a beacon of intelligence and compassion.
So—Thursday morning I had my blood drawn by The Absentminded Phelbotomist, who left me with a trackmarked inner elbow that I didn’t notice until I later caught one of the cafeteria workers at my office staring at it—but ah well. I’m sure it adds to my mystique.
That afternoon, I returned from my weekly staff meeting to half of a cryptic voicemail message:
“—unfortunately, too low to confirm ovulation. Garble garble, GARble, garblegarble…Please follow up with Dr. Doctor if your period hasn’t started by then.”

Huh.
I called the clinic—answering machine. At this point, knowing that any message that included the phrase “too low to confirm ovulation” couldn’t be good news, I went to the vending machine and bought two carbohydrate-laden bags of Cheez-its. I was feeling rebellious. I didn’t call the clinic again. In fact, I had decided that I would never call them back, and that perhaps I would move far, far away, to live on a temperate island populated with smiling natives who had never heard of ovulation. Perhaps I would wow them with my magical pregnancy-predicting sticks. Perhaps they would crown me their queen.
By the next morning, I was feeling stronger, if slightly hungover, and I called Dr. Doctor. Only she wasn’t in. Nurse Asshat, however, was. Here is an excerpt from our conversation:

NURSE ASSHAT: Your progesterone level did not indicate ovulation.
ALEXA: What was my level?
NURSE ASSHAT: We look for a level of five to confirm ovulatory activity.
ALEXA: So…mine was under five?
NURSE ASSHAT: Yes.
ALEXA: Do you have the number?
NURSE ASSHAT: It was under five.
ALEXA: Yes, but was it under one, like a decimal—zero point six, or point four, something like that?
NURSE ASSHAT: I don’t know what you mean. Any level under five is too low to reliably confirm ovulation.
ALEXA: Yes, but…COULD I PLEASE HAVE THE ACTUAL NUMBER?
{Pause, shuffling papers}
NURSE ASSHAT: Four point three.
ALEXA: Ah.
NURSE ASSHAT: Yes.
ALEXA: So, last week I asked about progesterone supplementation—did you have a chance to ask Dr. Doctor about that?
NURSE ASSHAT: Dr. Doctor did see your results, and she said you could raise your Metformin to 2000 mg.
ALEXA: Did you ask her about progesterone?
NURSE ASSHAT: We supplement levels between five and fifteen. Your level was under five.
ALEXA: Oh. Well, not for this cycle, but I would feel much better with supplementary progesterone for future cycles. I’ve had two miscarriages before eight weeks, and I know my levels were below five this time, but if I up my Metformin and…
NURSE ASSHAT: You can come in seven days after your next suspected ovulation for another test, and if your levels are between five and fifteen…
ALEXA: Isn’t that a little late?
NURSE ASSHAT: I don’t know about that. We only supplement levels between five and fifteen.

You get the idea. Now, I know the best way to increase progesterone is by strengthening ovulation rather than supplementing in the luteal phase. Come on people, it’s me. You know I’ve Googled phrases containing the word “progesterone” over 300 times since Thursday. The attitude of most doctors towards luteal phase supplementation is “Can’t hurt–might help.” As anyone who has had a couple of miscarriages can attest, “might help” is reason enough to try—if someone told me that Kung Pao Chicken was thought to maybe, possibly reduce early miscarriage risk, I would eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until the second trimester. So…can’t someone just prescribe the *&@# Crinone?
Unfortunately, it appears that if I want supplementation, I will have to synthesize progesterone myself in a makeshift home laboratory.

I’m retiring my thermometer for at least the next month. Full time job + full time school + imminent move = No time for my vagina.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Coming up: A post about moving! A post about yoga! A post about yoga for moving! Also, sometime this week I will post pictures of my new home, while it is still empty–before I clutter it up with cats and books and the underwear that the Nearly is constitutionally unable to remember to pick up from the bathroom floor.

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |