Jun
16

Nothing To See Here.

I have been at a loss for words this week, because potentially earth-shifting developments are taking place here at Flotsam, and the Nearly has forbidden me to talk about them until the situation is “finalized.” How’s that for cryptic? Also: The crow flies at midnight.
Anyway, you just try having BIG NEWS* you cannot share and then attempting to write your customary trivial blog entry. It is not easy. But I am doing it anyway, because I care.

Trivial Item #1: Recent Toe Injury.
At first I thought it was broken, because it hurt so terribly, but I couldn’t figure out how I might have broken it. Then I remembered that I had fallen off my backless shoes six times the weekend before–three of those times within seconds of each other on the same stretch of sidewalk, in front of passersby who probably thought I was drunk. Which, come to think of it, I was, a little. But it seemed likely that if I had broken my toe then, I would have been in pain severe enough to penetrate even my litchi-scented Gewürztraminer haze. So the logical explanation, naturally, was that I was developing Morton’s Neuroma, an ailment I discovered by Googling “toe pain” a few days later. I had just gotten myself worked into a lather about my potentially disabling new problem when the pain went away.

Trivial Item #2: Insect Stalker.
Mosquitos find me irresistible. They are, in fact, the only group of organisms that does, unless you count Persons Loitering Near Courthouses (Defendant sub-phylum). The last time I visited a courthouse, a large gentleman on the courthouse steps invited me to accompany him back to his car to fornicate. I declined. He assured me that his car was parked nearby, in the parking ramp across the street—walking there would be but the work of a moment! Again I demurred, informing him that I had a boyfriend who would probably look askance at my accepting such a proposition. He thought about this for a moment, and then his face brightened.
“He don’t have to know,” he murmured.
But this is all beside the point. The point is, mosquitos simply cannot get enough of me. Put me and the Nearly outside near a lake, and he will emerge with half a dozen bites, while every exposed inch of my skin will be rapidly mottled with welts. I am not sure what, besides my obvious charm, attracts mosquitos to me. I have read that they are more likely to bite those who have recently eaten bananas. They are fond of potassium, apparently. However, while I like a nice banana as much as the next girl (Ha!), I purposely refrain from consuming them during mosquito season. So the allure remains a mystery.
Anyway, outside my front door there lives a mosquito the size of a spaniel. A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, to be exact, a breed which, while small for a dog, surely you agree is overlarge for an insect. This mosquito has set up a sort of stakeout near the entrance to my home, and every morning when I leave for work, it attacks me. Much of my time this past week has been spent in constructing elaborate ways to avoid being bitten each morning. So far the most effective methods appear to be 1) wearing a long winter coat out to my car and 2) running down the steps shimmying and waving my hands about. Both attract considerable attention from the neighbors.

Trivial Item #3: My Head Hurts.
I have had a migraine for days now. Days! It hurts.

Trivial Item #4: Reader Assistance Requested.
I will be going on my traditional annual vacation at the end of the summer, with a passel of my relations, to visit other relations in North Dakota. Besides the usual fishing, drinking, and card playing, there will be a contest this year, a contest to guess how many pairs of shoes my eldest cousin owns.
Now, my eldest cousin feels about shoes the way I feel about handbags. She is a financial analyst, married to another financial something or other, meaning she has troughs of money. In addition, she gets a 50% discount at Cole Haan because her sister-in-law does something marketing related for them, and said discount leads to a tremendous amount of shoe buying. ALSO, Eldest Cousin works near Saks Off 5th, where you can purchase a pair of Prada pumps for a pittance. She insists she has only “around 50” pairs of shoes, but this statement is patently ridiculous.
Anyway, the winner of this shoe-guessing contest will be taken shopping for a new pair of shoes of their own, and people are taking this whole thing quite seriously. Witness the following, taken from my email correspondence:

***
From: Eldest Cousin
Subject: Rendezvous Shoe Count
Participants,
In response to your questions/concerns regarding the Rendezvous Shoe Count:
“Shoe” shall be defined as “an outer covering for the foot, made of leather, fabric, or plastic, with a stiff sole.” Eligible shoes include but are not limited to slip-ons, sandals, pumps, boots, mules, slippers and flip-flops. Socks or hosiery are not considered eligible. I am unsure of the inclusion of my cycling shoes, as they are composed of some super slippery composite and have metal clips on the bottom – as such, they are hazardous to walk in and are not truly wearable as a “shoe.”
I await feedback regarding your thoughts on the above.
Best regards & XOXOX,
M.

From: Alexa
Subject: Re: Rendezvous Shoe Count
Hmmm. The adjective “stiff” seems misleadingly restrictive, as it would exclude moccasins, of which you have at least one pair. Please advise.

From: Other Cousin
Subject: Re: Rendezvous Shoe Count
Hear hear. I was also concerned about the “stiff” limiter, but glad to see that this has been sorted out.
I believe the cycling shoes should be included as not ALL shoes really are made to allow walking, some are merely decorative in nature. For example, I have at least two pairs of “sitting” shoes that require wedging flipper sized feet into petite pointy torture devices. They really allow walking of no more than a city block. Also, English riding boots, which have previously been voted in by consensus, actually deteriorate in quality when walked in, rather than ridden in. As such, I believe the whole walkability quotient should be dismissed.
***

This exchange eventually resulted in Official Contest Rules:

***
From: Eldest Cousin
Subject: Rules–Rendezvous Shoe Count–Second Draft

1) Official Results. The count will be tallied by shoe’s owner, Eldest Cousin. McGladrey or Price Waterhouse Coopers will audit the official shoe count. In the event they are unable to undertake the shoe audit, a participant elected by majority vote of the other participants shall be allowed to audit the count. In addition to the total, a breakout of major shoe categories will accompany the results. The official results will be revealed at the 2006 Fall Rendezvous, currently scheduled for September 22, 2006 through September 24, 2006. The participant with the guess closest to the actual number of shoes owned will win a pair of shoes.
2) Eligible Shoes. “Shoes” shall be defined as “an outer covering for the foot, made of leather, fabric, or plastic, with a stiff sole”. Eligible shoes include but are not limited to loafers, sandals, pumps, boots, mules, sneakers, slippers, flip-flops, and moccasins. Socks or hosiery are not considered eligible. Shoes must specifically belong to Eldest Cousin. Shoes that are the property of other residents of the Eldest Cousin household, or visitors and guests of the Eldest Cousin household, will be considered ineligible.
3) Wearability Issues. Currently, several pairs of inventoried shoes are un-wearable, but await repair and resuscitation by the Shoe Man. As these shoes will presumably be wearable again in the near future (whether it be on or after the effective date), they will be considered eligible for the purpose of the count. Other lack of wearability issues, including but not limited to blisters, pain (severe or otherwise), twisted ankles, bunions, bone spurs, Chinese foot binding, or other foot mutilating conditions requiring varying levels of medical treatment, will not render an otherwise eligible shoe ineligible. Similarly, accelerated depreciation of an eligible shoe if worn and walked in, will not cause it to be classified ineligible.
4) Ineligible Shoes. Approximately 5 pairs of shoes currently in the goodwill pile will also be considered ineligible for the count.
5) Effective Date. Shoe count will be completed as of June 30, 2006
***

Now, I MUST win this contest. Since the growth crumpet, I have grown out of all my shoes save two pair, one of which is the treacherous backless pair referenced in Trivial Item #1. My mother has entered the contest, and god knows SHE doesn’t need more shoes. Unfortunately, my need is irrelevant, and I must put in my guess by the 30th.
So, as most of my readers are women, I am asking: how many pairs of shoes do you have**?
I will tally the results and post them here, in the spirit of triviality.

*No, I am NOT pregnant.
**Manuela, this means you!

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |