Jun
29

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Still Be A Smartass.

Obviously, the Nearly needs a new name. Because I am a fool, I told him he could choose one himself. He thought for a moment, furrowing his noble brow, and then said:

“Susan.”
“What?”
“Susan.”
“No. Be serious, please.”

He thought for another moment.

“Sharon.”
“A boy’s name, asshole.”
“Why does it have to be a boy’s name?”
“Because you’re a boy, and I don’t want to confuse new readers by talking about Sharon’s sperm analysis results.”
“That’s a whole other issue right there, isn’t it.”
“Just pick a goddamn name.”
“Can’t you just call me Susan but make it clear that I am a man? You could call me Mr. Susan.”
“Or Man-Susan,” I said sarcastically.
“Man-Susan would be fine.”
“How about Asshat?” I snarled. “Or Mr. Asshat?”
“I’ll think of something.”

A few hours later, he announced that he had thought of something:

“Callisthenic Carl and the Let’s Warm Up!”
“Excuse me?”
“Callisthenic Carl and the Let’s Warm Up—only you have to use the whole name every time you mention me. No shortening it to ‘Carl.’”

I was, uncharacteristically, speechless. Then I pulled myself together, and reminded the Nearly that he was not starting a band, he was choosing a pseudonym. He seemed to have some trouble distinguishing these two concepts, but I soldiered on.

The next suggestion was “Whiskers,” which is a play on the first two phonemes of his last name. Cute, but not without problems. If the Nearly and I were to get into a fight, it would be difficult to whip my readers into a frenzy of righteous indignation on my behalf, because Awww…who can be mad at Whiskers? Also, sentences like “Whiskers and I are going away for a romantic weekend,” would inevitably have a whiff of bestiality about them with which I am not comfortable.

As of this writing, we are out of ideas.

In other news, the mere act of becoming engaged has transformed the commitment ring I have been wearing for months into an official Engagement Ring. Same piece of jewelry, but instantly less likely to make our families confused and uncomfortable!
Really, I cannot count the number of times I had this snippet of conversation over the winter holidays:

“So, you’re engaged!”
“No, it’s a commitment ring.”
“It’s a what?”

Here’s a picture, courtesy of the camera built right in to my new MacBook:
ring
I look kind of hardcore, like I’m making a fist and should maybe be growling, but this is unintentional.

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |