Flotsam

If conditions at my place of work are any indication, the time has come for the return of Flotsam’s workplace advice column. As you may remember, Millie was a school chum of Emmy Post’s and is an expert on office etiquette. She is here to help.

Dear Millie,
By day I am a database processor for a large publishing concern, but my evenings are spent collecting figurines of that lovable scamp, Tigger (of Winnie-the-Pooh fame). I display two or three dozen of these figurines in my cubicle at work. Recently, however, I have expanded my collection to include other characters—Piglet, Rabbit, the occasional Roo—and I am running out of space. Would it be unreasonable to request a larger cubicle to better accommodate my collection?
Perplexed in Pooh Corner

Dear Perplexed,
Your question, I confess, mystifies me. Is there a reason you feel compelled to drag your somewhat troubling fascination with cartoon animals into the workplace? Generally speaking, one is granted office space in order to facilitate the comfortable completion of work-related tasks. Pictures of a loved one, even a knickknack or two, are certainly an appropriate way to personalize your workspace to that end. However, if you truly feel unable to perform without an extensive conglomeration of plasticine whimsy, your problems may be larger than I can address in the limited space of this column.
Yours,
Millie

Dear Millie,
I have a few fancier meetings coming up and my boss wants me to wear a tie. I have always felt that ties are for ass-licking city boys, and I’m sure as hell not going to spend my beer money on some girly-man piece of silk. I thought a compromise would be to wear my trusty bolo—what do you think?
Manly in Missoula

Dear Manly,
A “bolo tie” is not a tie. It is the unappealing lovechild of a shoelace and a ladies’ brooch. It flatters no one, and is, if anything, more emasculating than any plain silk tie could ever hope to be. I would advise you to search out a regular tie with a “manly” motif—perhaps a print of tiny testicles—if your heterosexuality is tenuous enough to be threatened by accessories.
Yours,
Millie

Dear Millie,
I am just starting my first real job, and want to make a good impression. I often hear my friends discussing their annoying coworkers, and I don’t want to inadvertently become an annoying coworker myself. I was hoping you could help me avoid some of the more common pitfalls—any ideas?
Newbie in Nantucket

Dear Newbie,
I am so glad you asked. The ways in which a coworker can make him or herself a nuisance are too numerous to cover here, but I would be happy to share with you a brief list of basic “don’ts”:
DON’T cause your cell phone to ring to the tune of The Entertainer. This ringtone has been implicated in a string of recent office homicides. The vibrate setting should be more than sufficient to alert you to incoming calls.
DON’T harp excessively upon the day of the week. There is nothing inherently funny about Mondays. Calling Wednesday “Hump Day” in lieu of its perfectly suitable given name is tiresome, and though we all look forward to the weekend, TGIF jokes only draw attention to the fact that one is still at work, subject to one’s coworkers’ feeble attempts at humor.
DON’T eat excessively odorous food in your cubicle. However much you may enjoy the taste of reheated garlic chicken at noon, surely your officemates will have tired of smelling it by 5 o’ clock.
DON’T append pithy quotes to the end of your email messages. A memo about system outages needn’t be an opportunity to reflect upon the wisdom of children, the elderly, or Vince Lombardi.
DON’T creep up behind a working colleague without first alerting them to your presence with a discreet knock. Stealth is not a quality of particular value in an office environment. Besides, your quarry may be hard at work on a blog entry or other important document, and your sudden appearance at their elbow could cause them to spill latte down the front of their expensive and recently dry-cleaned garment.
Yours,
Millie