As you all know, (Don’t you? Keep up!) I am getting married in May. About a week after I accepted the Actually’s proposal, I sat down with a piece of paper and made a list of things I must arrange for the wedding. It looked something like this:
• Venue
• Food/Cake
• Flowers
• Dress
• License
• Guests
• Invitations
• Registry
• Honeymoon
• Judge/Vows
• Music
• Other (i.e. Rings, Lose 25 pounds, Gain 6 inches height)
I put each of these items on its own index card, and used said card to jot down ideas, deadlines, and prices. I thought this was a rather clever system, and I was proud of it, even though a few of the cards remained relatively bare (“Dress” has only a web address, a spastic sketch of a possible silhouette, and the notation “Fifties???”). I also have a folder full of brochures and catering price lists, but all the actual planning and decisions are recorded within the three-by-five-inch confines of my notecards. I scoff at hefty three-ring binders–after all, how difficult can it be to plan a wedding?
As I have mentioned before, I am unfamiliar with wedding magazines. I know that many girls whiled away their youthful afternoons perusing these publications, but I was busy sulking, and practicing my mother’s signature on notes excusing me from Gym.
Last week, however, I bought a copy of Twin Cities Wedding Bridal Extravaganza! {Ed. Note: Name changed because I can’t remember it}. I had hoped to find a few local resources, and perhaps some reasonably-priced-yet fetching dress ideas.
I was prepared for much of the content not to apply to my smallish wedding, but I was astounded by just how foreign the entire enterprise appeared. Do people really have $500 fingerbowl budgets? Everything seemed ridiculously over the top, and the only idea I got while looking at the dresses was for a musical spin-off of Great Expectations, to be called simply: “Havisham!”
The section of TCBWE! I found the most alarming was the “Wedding Checklist.” The items close to the wedding day are straightforward—Pack For Honeymoon, Rehearse Ceremony, Put On Dress—but the further they travel back in time, the weirder the list items become:
Six Months in Advance: Start wearing your wedding shoes for a few moments each night, so that you become accustomed to walking in them—no one likes a wobbler!
Twelve to Eighteen Months in Advance: Insist that family and coworkers begin referring to you as “The Bride,” as in “What are The Bride’s plans for the weekend?” or “How was The Bride’s day at work?”
Five Years in Advance: Schedule hymen reconstruction. You want everything to be perfect on the big night!
Fifteen Years in Advance: Start collecting the skulls of friends and neighbors. Spray-painted gold, hollowed out, and filled with flowers, they will make lovely centerpieces!
Anyhow, while I was able to dismiss many of the items as patently insane, there were a few that were sensible—even obvious seeming–that would nonetheless never have occurred to me. For example:
The Day Before: Pack a small bag with items like safety pins, stain remover, and aspirin, to have on hand for last-minute emergencies.
So brilliant! Yet diabolically simple!
So here is my question:
What is particularly important to remember when planning a wedding, other than presence of bride, groom, and champagne fountain? Is there anything you wish you had done differently for your own? Do you have any general wedding tips or amusing wedding stories, preferably involving drunkenness, in-laws, or garment malfunction?
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Random tidbits from my recent stint as maid of honor:
Bag of safety pins, pain killer and stain remover is perhaps the BEST IDEA EVER.
Bride needed the stain remover when an errant Junior Mint bled chocolate on the white dress (note: don’t have Junior Mints anywhere in the vicinity). I needed the aspirin after the groom yelled at the entire wedding party for talking during the photo session. The bridesmaids needed the safety pins to poke the bride after two hours of imperious commands. (Imperious commands are fine. Bridesmaids are there to absorb the bride’s stress and do her bidding when she can’t move given the precarious dress situation, just don’t have TOO many safety pins on hand.)
I would add lip gloss to the bag. Everyone needs lip gloss.
Helpful, but possibly unnecessary: backup shoes that work with your dress. We almost had a disaster when it was discovered that the bride fell out of her shoes when descending stairs. She had practiced walking in them, she just hadn’t practiced stairs in them. Who knew?
Sorry for the essay. This is all very fresh.
Found you via Finslippy and you’ve fast become one of my favorites. My wedding was 7 years ago, but recently two co-workers have been planning their weddings, and it’s all come back to me. First – do NOT buy into the hype. I know, that sounds so obvious, and you were making fun of the skull centerpieces and all – but you’ll be amazed by how seductive it becomes as time goes by. This is not one of the country’s biggest industries because they are marketing/brain washing losers. You will drink the Koolaid at some point, just try and recognize the resultant bad trip for what it is.
Second – Think a lot about what you, the Actually and your nearest & dearest want most from the day. Think about how to celebrate you as a couple in a way that will leave people feeling warm and welcome in your lives. The best weddings are not about the stuff (the dress, the flowers, the cake), but are the ones that so clearly express who the couple are and their affection for each other and those they’ve invited to share the day with them.
Third (and I’ve only got 3) – remember that the day itself is only 24 hours long. Maybe a bit more if you do the rehersal dinner/ morning after brunch deal, but you get the idea. But it’s only one small portion of the years you and the Actually have together. If something minor goes wrong, I PROMISE you, you won’t still be remembering that 3 or 4 years later. You’ll remember the kiss, the moments that made you smile, and how much you love the guy you married. Everything else dissapears or turns into amusig anecdotes for cocktail parties (e.g., the waiter was hitting up the bridesmaids).
Enjoy it and laugh lots! Best wishes.
Yeah, those wedding magazines pretty much made me hyperventilate. Not that there wasn’t many a moment where I found myself fretting over utterly mundane things (cupcake pedestal decoration!), but all in all, we tried hard to turn on, tune in and drop out the extraneous hooha.
Favorite things: dress; homemade invitations; rehearsal dinner picnic; non-demoninational chupah overlooking the Pacific; low-cheese wedding script; flowers (just fresh herbs and sweet pea blooms) and good, good food.
Things that were a waste of time: wedding program; renting bus to transport guests to wedding venue; giving guests ten choices of local hotels; bridesmaid dresses.
Things that were nice, but not really worth the effort: jam made from locally grown berries as wedding favor; save the date card; make-up application lady.
One piece of useless advice? It sounds totally type-A lame, but I made a spread-sheet timeline for the day of wedding (i.e., when florists, bridesmaids, minister, parents etc. should arrive) and who was responsible for bringing or putting together something that day (i.e. florist has all the table numbers and seating assignments; bridesmaid has lipgloss; minister has wedding license) and gave a copy to everyone. Then, I didn’t have to worry about having to tell people anything the day of — it was clear.
Oh god, I cannot believe I left you such a long, preachy comment. Just have fun and don’t feel like you “have” to do anything. There are a lot of “but you musts!” that get thrown around with weddings; ignore ‘em.
When I got married the first time I couldn’t resist reading the “bride magazines” and they were both fascinating and horrifying. Kind of like “Big Love” but that’s another story. Anyway, with regard to the magazines and their uber-hype, my sister commented that they are about “weddings as a competitive sport.”
The most over-the-top wedding-related thing I ever heard of was the fiance of a coworker who took a swatch of fabric from her wedding dress to the cake-maker so that the frosting on the cake could be the exact same shade of white!!!!!
Advice: slow down and pretend to do everything in slow motion — moving, speaking, everything. It’s hard but you will look normal instead frantic.
Don’t be upset if you remember little of the actual event — this is normal.
Pick the 2-3 things that you care about and don’t worry about the rest. For me it was location, dress, and ceremony content (really hard when you want no religious content at all!). The rest I kind of just let flow. (Okay, so I let my mom handle the rest. I was 24!) But the point is not to drive yourself crazy geting wrapped up in every teeny tiny detail.
Lots of good suggestions regarding how to approach the details already, so I\’ll just add:
Get a day-of coordinator if possible; ours worked with us throughout to keep up with the various vendors as I did the work to sign them up, and then on D-Day she handled getting each of them set up in their respective places/times, and all the other gazillion decisions that come up during the day.
Also nice to have her be the one to nag the wait staff to get wine to people if they are slacking (as they did at mine), etc. Finally, it creates a nice barrier between you and phone calls like \”um hi…this is your DJ and my car is currently broken down on the freeway about two hours away from your wedding\” on the morning of the wedding. Thank goodness the planner was able to present it in the \”don\’t worry we\’ve already figured out a solution, but I just wanted you to know what\’s up\” info package.
Possibly my favorite topic ever!!!
I am sooo not a girly-girl and hadn’t really considered any of the ‘bride-y’ things until about 15 minutes before the wedding. I started to get all caught up at one point, considered butterflies, rose petals strewn along the walk, blah blah blah.
Thank god I reconsidered.
The things I am most glad about were very specific to me and H. I HAD to have sushi at my wedding and ice cream sundaes. They didn’t add anything to the catering price, but they are something that I love and make me smile. No one had seen sundaes at a wedding before and let me tell you there wasn’t one left!!
We wrote our own vows and I found that stressful, but it was something we did together which ended up being very nice.
Also, we did do the brunch thing the next day which had made to order omelets which was so nice because everyone got just what they wanted and again, didn’t really change the price. It is funny, caterers just charge you a price, they will pretty much give you any kind of food you want at that price.
Oh, wait, also, I did something that was really good though I didn’t know it at the time! Every person I hired (florist, caterer, etc) I gave a price limit and then carte blanche to make it happen. We had a long conversation about the idea of the wedding and the things I thought were important, after that I pretty much let them go. Of course I met with several people before choosing a contractor, but once I found one I really liked, I gave them a lot of freedom. In fact, I was panicking (sp?) about the cake/food/plates/whatever a few days before the wedding and I called the caterer. His response, “I take care of all that, you don’t need to worry about anything”.
I smiled and said, perfect!
I also made a very conscious decision that once the day dawned there wasn’t anything I could change so I was just going to accept what came. That really worked well for me.
Also, put a tampon/pad in your emergency bag. Even if you never need it, it is better to know it is there!
I wish I had of eloped on a beach somewhere! LOL!
Take care and good luck with the planning I am sure everything will be wonderful!
This biggest regret I had was that I incorporated my veil into my hair style so I was stuck wearing the thing all night long. Good Luck!!
Oooh ooh! Read mine, read mine!
Uh, sorry, got a little excited. I’ve written about this for my local newspaper, and if the link were still up, I’d send you there. So, the highlights:
Get your hands on Bridal Bargains. It’s sort of a Consumer Reports thingie for weddings – alerts you what brands are worth it for dresses and other items, gives you down to earth tips about what expenses you might want to splurge on and how to do it wisely, and gives you the dope-slap if you’re starting to think seriously about that $500 finger bowl budget. I found it extremely helpful.
Keep your wedding party small as possible: it will keep your budget for wedding party gifts down, and paradoxically, the fewer people are included, the less likely the other are to be offended Reaction will be: “Oh, only her sister and best friend are in the party, makes sense” vs. “Oh my god, her THIRD COUSIN TWICE removed is in the party and I’m not? F*(k that!”
And give everyone who’s not in the wedding party jobs. People love to do jobs for the bride! It makes them feel important!
The old cliche that “it’s your day” is not true – at least, not unless you’re prepared to be confrontational. We definitely didn’t do some things (e.g. me walking down the aisle to Nick Cave) because it would’ve freaked out the conservatives in my honey’s family. But don’t be a pushover either (we had some Baptists on my side who think dancing is evil, and, uh, they were welcome to leave if it made them uncomfortable, but I was busy mastering the Electric Slide, thank you very much).
But mostly, I second Nicole’s thought that on the day of, quit worrying, and just accept whatever happens and soak up the joy of the moment.
Best thing we did was have 2 weddings! The first (we got married pretty quickly) was just some immediate family (about 14 people). We found the officiant in a local paper and she was AWESOME. Had a really nice dinner at a local restaurant. The second wedding was bigger, but still small (about 60 people). Church ceremony, dinner, etc. The best thing was that for the first one, I wasn’t stressed because there’d just be a few people there. The second one I wasn’t worried, because I was already married.
Also, I bought my wedding dress off the (non-wedding) rack at Neiman Marcus for under $200. I absolutely fell in love with it, and it was a random find after weeks of looking in bridal stores.
I think that’s it. Just take the time to enjoy the process and especially enjoy the big day. Yay!
I actually wrote an article about this, back in the day…pretty much unless your heart is set on a super traditional wedding experience (of the “I’ve been dreaming of this day since I was a little girl!” sort) you don’t need *any* of the things the bridal magazines insist are deal-breakers. That said, we spent about $3000 total on our wedding, and here are the things I had or wish I had had:
The cake: this was huge for us, since we like to eat and are especially fond of baked goods. We went with a local bakery and had something pretty simple (only one flavor and one filling), with no fancy decorations: we just garnished it with fresh flowers, and everyone talked about how lovely it was. This cost us about $350 and fed…I don’t know. A lot of people.
The flowers: We got a few roses for buttonholes and corsages and used calla lilies (which were in season and really inexpensive) for my bouquet. Note: I wish I had had either a more exciting bouquet or more pictures of me holding it, because there is only one picture and in it I am making a terrible face. The flowers are pretty, though.
The photos: I really, really wished I had spent more here. We hired a family friend (who was a professional photographer) to do the pictures, thinking it would be great for everyone. The pictures turned out…not so great. Not so great at all. And that makes me sad. I wish I had spent a significant chunk of our budget on photography rather than throwing a bone to a friend and ending up with something disappointing.
The dress: I got my dress at a little non-wedding boutique. It was not a wedding dress, but it was white and floor-length, with spaghetti straps. It was…not expensive. And I loved it.
Seriously, I am resplendant with advicey-ness, and I love wedding planning. If you want to drop me a line I’d be love to offer my assistance.
Oooh, ooh… I’m coming up on my one year anniversary so this is exciting. I loved our wedding. Loved it. Find the things that are important to you and forget the rest. We didn’t have favors and no one has ever complained about it. We had a beautiful site, great food, and a kick ass band. It was true to us, and the people who were there loved us and knew that.
If you can – keep it small. I like that I saw everyone who came, although I still didn’t feel like I had time to connect with them. And we had about 100 people.
Do you want more assvice? Any particular topics? Don’t wear white unless you want to. I look like shit in white and I love the red dress I wore.
Give someone nearby a spare set of car keys and house keys. Really. It’s important.
Sorry to crash into your blog. Have a wonderful wedding day.
Here is my only tip, and the only thing I regret about my own wedding.
The very first thing you need to choose is the place, because then you can choose everything else with a general theme in mind.
For example, I picked my wedding colors before I picked the reception site. Red bouquets do not look good next to Peach carpet….
Get your family and friends to take lots of pictures. Our photographer turned out to be truly awful and the best shots we got of the day were ones that other people there took!
We had a dry wedding (reception was in a church, plus too many of my relatives have a habit of behaving like howler monkeys under the influence) so all of the Brits at the reception had snuck in hip flasks so they could vanish to the restrooms every so often to have a swig.
My brother in law and one of the groomsmen did just that after the best man speech. So they’re hanging out in the men’s room having a drink when my mad great uncle walks in, zeros in on them, and for some reason, just launches into this story about when he was in the Pacific during the war. (He didn’t even say hello.)
“I was on this island and all of the girls were running around with no tops on. The chaplain made them all put t-shirts on, but do you know what they did? THEY CUT THE TITTIES OUT.”
My brother in law and the groomsman just stared open mouthed at him. Then he turned around without saying goodbye and just walked out. That sort of became the story of the day.
The best advice I have comes with a story.
I was meeting with the wedding lady at the Church we were getting married at. They have candle things for the isle. I told her that she could put the bows the Church has on them, to decorate them a little.
She asks, “What color is your dress?”
I answer, “White.”
She exclaims, “The bows are ivory!”
Coming out of my mouth without having thought about it, “If someone is going to notice that the bows are ivory and my dress is white, they are going to find a lot more wrong with my wedding than the bows!”
Seriously, the details don’t need to be perfect. No one is going to remember the flowers you had for decorations, don’t spend a fortune on them. No one is going to notice if your decorative bows are ivory and your dress is white, don’t stress over that. And if they are the type of person to notice, they’ll find fault in everything, so you shouldn’t care.
Oh, and those magazines are all super expensive. I also picked up “Twin Cities Wedding Bridal Extravaganza!” and everything was so expensive! Go to http://weddings.minneapolis.org/, fill out the wedding form (set up a 2nd email for use on this, you get a lot of junk!). Vendors will contact you with services, pricing, etc. That’s how we found our reception site.
I’ve been married 3 years. Don’t sweat the small stuff. We got married where I grew up (an hour away where we live now, Rochester) as it was A LOT cheaper than anything in the Twin Cities! Plus, besides our young friends (who needed an excuse to get a hotel room anyway), most of our guests would have had to travel either way.
This forced me to do much over the phone, or let my mom do it, which relaxed me much more.
Also finding a private person to do any alterations if you can is a must. My best friend dealt with a bridal shop and had several headaches and paid a ton! While I just had a nice retired lady who was so nice and easy to work with. She took my whole dress apart and put it back together for $50 (not kidding!)
Centerpieces and favors, no one remembers them except other girls who are getting or just were married. Seriously! I made paper lanterns and used the free candles/mirrors from the reception place. My sister-in-law made a bunch of wine glass charms for the favors, because I found all the stuff online or at Walmart so each one was less than a quarter. Don’t waste money on something they’ll throw away or put in a garage sale in 3 months. I’ve been to weddings where the favor was just a card with a nice note saying thank you for attending and then their new address.
Again, I could go on and on. but you already have a ton. email me if you want more input on anything.
Oh, you mean “Bridezilla Magazine”. Yikes. Here’s my advice:
Pick the few things you care about most and don’t worry about the rest.
Eat beforehand. You won’t have time after you walk down the aisle. Also, not eating would help avoid the cocktail sauce disaster I narrowly averted thanks to a rush of aunts and some club soda. That was my one bit of food and I dropped it on my dress. Sigh.
I think wedding coordinators are kind of obnoxious, but do try to find someone to help at least the day of. You want to have fun, and not spend your time yelling at persons x y and z. Our caterer took this role on and did a good job with it.
No music is better than bad music.
Don’t worry if something goes wrong. People don’t really care.
Oh, god, the butterflies — I have a great (hideous) butterfly story from my sister-in-law’s wedding, but I think I better save it for my blog.
The way the wedding industry preys on brides is hideous. What I did with the wedding magazines was keep a running contest of the most over-the-top theme or idea I could find.
One good piece of advice I got was: if you don’t want to spend $2000 on a dress, don’t get talked into trying on the $2000 dress “just to get an idea of what you’re looking for.”
The weirdest thing is how you’re supposed to have the dress, like, twenty months in advance. People gasp in horror if you don’t have a dress before you get engaged. My sister in law seriously bought into all of it, including the dress thing. But when her ordered-eight-months-in-advance dress finally arrived, it had a huge, irreparable tear down the front of it. Guess what? You CAN get a dress the week before the wedding!
I got married in May.
I’d sat there are certain things you want to spend money on, and certain other areas where you can skimp. If you identify what you care about most and plan for money to go to those areas, you can figure out where to cut back. For us, we wanted 1) a kick-ass band, 2) a kick-ass photographer, since we’ll have the photos forever, and 3) a decent hall/dinner so my parents did not feel embarrassed for their snotty friends. Things I think it’s stupid to spend money on 1) a big-ass, expensive wedding cake when you can have a little cutting cake and a sheet cake in the back (approxiatemly three people out of 170 even noticed when we cut the damn cake), 2) transportation, especially if you’re not traveling far between the ceremony and reception, 3) favors, which no one will likely remember anyway, 4) invitations, which you can get online at sites like http://www.invitesite.com and print at home and put together for way cheap. And they look hot.
Also, don’t be afraid to buy a dress off the rack. I got lucky, sure, but the dress I loved just happened to fit me perfectly off the rack, and it was in great shape. The lady at the store told me I could get it 10 percent off if I purchased it off the rack — plus there’s no worrying about them ordering the wrong one or shipping it late, things that happen all the time in the bridal industry.
Then, when I went back the next day to buy it, I made it even better when I informed the new dress shop lady that I heard I get 20 percent off if I purchase off the rack. And she was like, “right!”
Obviously you have brought out the girly part in all of us. Look at the responses!
I am first of all amused that you chose to write “venue”. I’m a who-what-where kind of girl.
We handed out cans of silly string to guests instead of the bubbles, butterflies (which was at my friends wedding and the day was so cold that all the butterflies hit the ground with a soft thud), or bells. So when we exited the church we were coated in silly string. No, it did not stain, but avoid any smokers and open flames.
Remember your slip and falsies. I forgot both. I was too embarrassed to ask my SIL to grab the falsies from the dresser when she went to get my slip. I should have sucked it up because toilet paper makes a lot of noise when guests are hugging you.
Oh I just remembered. You probably won’t need falsies unless you’re going for the bullet-boob look (you did however indicate a 50′s gown?). Sometimes it’s hard to remember that not everyone is a size B cup…*sigh*
I just blogged about this two weeks ago. I work part time at a Country Club for ridiculously rich people, so I’ve been working TONS of wedding receptions. Here are the tips I have (sorry it’s a bit long…):
1. Know your audience. This sounds like a very obvious idea, but I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had weddings where the bride is a vegetarian so she thinks it would be a great idea to serve only vegetarian hors d’oevres and entrees. Just because you think that tofu is a fine substitute for real meat doesn’t mean everyone else agrees. People at weddings do not want to eat healthy. They want fried foods. They want scallops wrapped in bacon. They want cheese. Fried. Wrapped in bacon.
2. Order a wedding cake that is edible rather than merely pretty to look at. A basic rule of thumb is that the prettier the cake is, the worse it’s going to taste. Fondant looks amazing, but it has the general flavor (and consistency)of sweetened paste. No one will remember what your cake looked like. They will remember that it was as dry as sawdust and no one ate more than a forkful.
3. However much alcohol you assume your guests will drink, double it. Trust me.
4. If your wedding reception starts at 6, don’t wait until 11 to cut your cake. Cut it at 8 so that people who have to get home don’t feel bad leaving prior to what’s considered the main event. It will only result in you having three teirs of your cake left over. Also, waiting until later will also guarantee that the toasts given before the cutting by your maid of honor, best man, and possibly even your new spouse will be slurred and not really coherent – and possibly horribly embarrassing.
5. If you see that your guests have taken off their shoes, are dancing on the stage and “Doin’ the butt”, do not assume it would be a good idea to request that the bar stay open longer. Cut your guests off and call them all cabs.
6. Having your guests throw fake flower petals at you is cheapy, chiche and just plain boring. Either spring for real petals or do something more unique like sparklers or mardi gras beads. Same goes for bubbles. Blah.
7. The current trend at receptions is to have everyone stay standing all evening with only a few tables here and there for cocktails. This is supposed to encourage people to mill about and socialize. I think it’s the worst idea ever. There’s nowhere to sit and eat the food. There’s nowhere to set dishes or drinks for 300 people. There’s nowhere for grandma to sit and rest. There’s nowhere for the really drunk people to be relocated when you drag them off the dance floor because they are flashing everyone. Have at least half as many chairs as you have guests.
8. If you don’t have the money to hire a really good band (and by really good, I mean the kind that charges $1,500 an hour or more) do yourself a favor and just get a competent DJ. A mediocre band will kill a wedding faster than almost anything else. Get a good DJ and be sure to let him know if you think that songs like “Ice Ice baby” and “Play that funky music white boy” and “I wanna sex you up” are possibly inappropriate for your big day.
9. If you are planning a really formal wedding, don’t punish your bridesmaids by having them wear dresses with trains or long trailing ribbons. We worked a wedding last weekend where the bridesmaids actually took SCISSORS to their dresses and cut off the bottom 2 feet of their gowns because it is JULY and 97 degree heat does not go well with heavy silk gowns. Also, they simply get trampled on throughout the evening.
10. Save yourself thousands of dollars and hours of headaches and countless fights with your family and future spouse and simply elope. It’ll be the best decision you ever make.
Okay, My only pieces of advice:
Have a friend whose job it is to make sure you eat something on your wedding day. I became insanely hungry cranky and my sisters showed up with a sandwich saying, “You’re cranky. Eat this.” Possibly saved the day.
We packed our honeymoon suitcases, and then left them in teh church. We had to drive back for them. So make sure your luggage is in the car when you leave.
Congratulations.
Lots of good advice here! We just celebrated our 8th (!) wedding anniversary, so this stuff has been on my mind lately.
My thoughts:
We designated one of my friends as our “stage manager” the day of the wedding. He’s a very organized guy who had stage managed many plays, and it was great to have him take care of all the last-minute snafus.
Also, for our reception, to keep costs down, we served beer and wine (a good red & a good white) only (as well as champagne for the toast). That way, there was some alcohol, but without the cost of an open bar.
In attending several weddings since our own, I have come to the conclusion that most people really don’t care about the intricacies of all your planning. They care if the ceremony is too long, the food is crap, and/or they are required to stand too long. That’s about it. So I would give more consideration to those things than to things like table decorations, favors, etc.
That being said, a recent wedding really bothered me because the ceremony itself lasted about 3 minutes & was utterly devoid of personal touches–not that you need lengthy sermons or piano recitals, but I think it’s nice if the ceremony somehow reflects part of your and the Actually’s personality or interests.
Bottom line is, you can buy into as much of the hype as you like, and spend as much money as you are willing to. Ultimately, it’s just a big party to celebrate you & your honey, and it’s more important that you have a good time and savor every moment of the day itself.
Good luck!
We had amazing photographers and I love the pictures. But I wish we’d paid some one to video tape it, at least the ceremony part. It went by in such a blur; I have no real memory of most of it. It would be nice to watch on our anniversaries.
Our officiant forgot to ask/tell people to sit down at the beginning of the ceremony (because we forgot that people traditionally stand when the bride goes down the aisle) so everyone stood through out the ceremony. Very funny, but some of our relatives were quite elderly and it was a bit much for them, but they didn’t want to sit because they thought it would be rude. Very sweet of them, but exhausting for them (and our ceremony was short).
anyway, enjoy it and have fun. Remember (this is trite, but) it is a celebration of you and Actually and your relationship.
Spend your money on the pictures – that’s what you can reminisce over in a few years. Other than that, make it your wedding. I am anti-video tape – who watches that really? Only the people who were there anyways, right?
Hi, I found you through finslippy as well and also live in the Twin Cities.
I’m divorced now, so take any of my wedding advice with a grain of salt (and a margarita), but the day goes by in such a blur that all the little details you might painstakingly obsess about at 3 a.m. aren’t really going to register on your brainmap on the actual day.
I went relatively low-key and small for my wedding and when I get married again, I plan on going even smaller. It’s just one day. I find the weddings that most people talk about are the ones that are simple and really reflect the couple’s personality.
BTW, I thought I was anti-videotape, until I saw my uncle’s video of my wedding. It was really cool to see everything that was going on before the wedding started – there’s so much you miss or can’t remember. I think it’s a nice thing to have.
Although I’m pretty sure my Ex has the video now. :)
Hi there! Lurker here, but thought I’d chip in….
1. Red wine, no matter how much you love it, and white dresses that were your mothers from decades earlier, do not mix. Really.
2. If you disobey rule number 1, club soda, elbow grease, and a hair dryer work wonders. Really.
3. Limos, unless they are really your “thing”, are a waste of money… borrow a nice friend’s car, or rent a “luxury” car and have your Best Man and Maid of Honor drive you “away”. And to transport the wedding party, borrow a few mini-vans…. really…. limos are over rated.
4. “Away” is in quotes in number 3 above, because if you *stay* at the site (assuming you are doing seperate site and reception locations) no one will leave so that you and the wedding party can take wedding photos without it taking 20 gazillion hours…. have the birdseed/rice…. then “drive off”…. and come back to do the pics in 5 min when it clears out.
5. If you take my advice on number 4, be sure to tell the wedding party your secret plans so *they* don’t leave.
6. No matter how “camera perfect” you want the rice throwing thing, don’t do it over and over for the video guy (happened at my cousin’s wedding)… Seriously. As a guest, it was very annoying and fake…. do it once, and what will be will be….
7. Remember to take a minute to savor your wedding, and the reception. Breathe. Pause. Smile. Kiss.
Yellowgirl
Make sure that little emergency kit has snacks in it. I didn’t end up needing the aspirin, safety pins, etc., but I was too excited to eat breakfast the morning of my (noon) wedding and five minutes before I walked down the aisle, was suddenly, ravenously hungry. I was so glad to have something to wolf down. As an added bonus, now Lemon Zest Luna Bars taste like love to me. :)
(BTW, assembling the emergency kit is a good “job” to assign to someone who really wants to help but can’t do other stuff for whatever reason…in my case, one of my bridesmaids, a beloved friend who lives 3,000 miles away from me and so couldn’t help shop for dress, run errands leading up to the wedding, etc.)
Delegate EVERYTHING the day of the wedding. You don’t want to be worrying about whether the guest book gets set up properly or the food comes out in the right order, so if you don’t have a wedding coordinator, assign a reliable person to each task, and designate one person (your mom, your maid of honor) to handle all the annoying questions that come up last-minute, so you don’t have to.
As a frequent wedding guest, I hate favors, unless they are edible (except those Jordan almonds–does anyone actually eat them?). I have about a million of those little picture frames, and have thrown out so much other crap I have no use for. Save the $$$ or spend it on something people will really appreciate, like an awesome hors d’oeuvre at cocktail hour (if you have a cocktail hour).
I wish I had spent less money on my dress and more money on food. I spent very little on flowers (bouquets for me and bridesmaids, boutonnieres for the men, extra corsages for moms and grandma; flower-decked arch for the ceremony; no centerpieces because the venue provided single roses in bud vases) and it was exactly right. People only notice flowers if they are over-the-top expensive, or if the person is a recent or about-to-be bride. My photographer was kind of sucky and at the time I wished I had spent more, but now, 4.5 years later, I don’t mind so much. We got the requisite few great shots and I honestly almost never look at my wedding album.
Even though my photographer was a douche, he did have one excellent piece of advice: Only 2 things really need to happen on your wedding day. 1) The bride and groom actually need to get married, and 2) Everyone should have fun, including you. So focus on the things that really affect those points–the ceremony, and the things that add to your and your guests’ comfort and fun (food, seating, music, comfortable shoes for you, etc.)
Ultimately your guests will feed off your energy, so you just focus on having fun and loving the heck out of the Actually and everyone will think it is the loveliest wedding ever.
Hey! I ventured over here via… not sure anymore…. I’m not getting married and have never been married, but I grew up in the Twin Cities and so I’m totally intrigued (because I may SOMEDAY get married). Fill us in as you fill up those cards.
One more thing I thought of…
We did a Jewish custom called yichud. Instead of a receiving line, the couple goes off by themselves for a few minutes after the ceremony (and has a plate of food to eat, since they won’t get to later). Yes, there will be a few stupid deflowering jokes. If there are stupid deflowering jokes at the wedding of two lesbians who have been living together for years, there will be deflowering jokes at your wedding. But you will have a few moments alone to savor each other and your familiar yet new relationship before you head back out into the chaos that is the reception.
Oh, and the rehearsal will suck. Don’t worry about it. It just means that all the suckiness has been absorbed before the wedding day itself.
Put a trusted someone in charge of the flowers–someone with some follow through. The groom and everyone got their lapel thingys and so did the mothers. However, the first few moments of our wedding video are of me saying, “Where the HELL is my bouquet?’ Very sweet memory.
Unlike the subject of babies, here’s a topic I feel I can actually weigh-in on. Always remember that your wedding is for you and your husband (well mostly for you). You’re the bride, if you want no dancing because you don’t like it, then have no dancing. Don’t cave to the family pressure.
Here’s a link to my (oldish) wedding article. And you wanted stories. I have a story!
Mr. Cranky and the groomsmen all rented their tuxes from the (one) local men’s formalwear shop. The best man came into town the night before the wedding (which was to take place at 10 in the morning, because…well, for lots of reasons, none of which are important to the story) and picked up his tux right before the shop closed.
Eight a.m. day of the wedding my groom gets a phone call: “I have no pants!” In case you are wondering: “I have no pants” is not what you want to hear two hours before your wedding. Best man had not brought extra black pants (why would he, really?) so all he had were jeans.
My poor boy just went “DON’T TELL ME THIS RIGHT NOW” and the best man ended up getting some loaner pants from one of the groomsmen.
Moral of this story? Check the rental stuff! Also, possibly, don’t leave home without extra pants.
I’m crashing your blog here… (which I really enjoy by the way). I have been married 4 years now and my advice: elope and save your money and take an elaborate honeymoon. I have no regrets about avoiding the stress of planning a wedding. We had a wonderfully LONG and somewhat expensive honeymoon, but it was worth it.
Those magazines are for the rich and spoiled! My only advice is relax and have a good time. Our wedding was 6 years ago and I only really remember the wine, the cake and the dress. It’s seems a shame now that I spent so much energy worrying about placecards and bridesmaid dresses! Plus the honeymoon is the best part!
My wedding was exactly one year ago tomorow, congratulations to me {:o) I spent the oh, maybe six months before the wedding practicing my wedding speach in the car on the way to work. Let me tell you I thought I was one skilled off the cuff wedding speach giver. I’d be driving the highway laughing till I cried then cring till I laughed…each speach better than the last. Boy if I was this good there was absolutly no need to write any of it down right? I mean especially if each one was better than the last,by the time the big day got there I’d give the best speach in the history of bridal speaches and when people found out it was “off the cuff” they’d hire me to write their speaches right?? WRONG…when I was actually standing there in front of sixty four people and the banquet wait staff, one bartender and two dj’s, beside my ever loving brand new husband…nothing came to me. I thanked everyone for comming then pretended to cry and moved over for my husband to make his speach. His was off the cuff and beautiful and the whole room went “aaaawwww”. So I guess what I’m saying is write a speach. Oh and pack some baby wipes and deoderant to freshen up after the church if you’re having a summer wedding. You’ll thank me later {:o)
Also, I know it’s been said already, but really enjoy every moment, it’s one day that goes by so fast, you’ll be getting your hair done, itching for the day to get on with it, next thing you know people are comming up to you in their wedding best saying “thanks for inviting us goodnight”.
Congratulations!!
My biggest piece of advice: be as oblivious as possible on your wedding day. Designate other people (maid of honor, wedding coordinator/venue coordinator) to do all the worrying for you. So much shit happened on the day of my wedding (florist lost the bridesmaids’ bouquets and forgot the flowers for the wedding cake, one of the groomsmen got the wrong colored vest, big accident on the highway and none of the guests were arriving on time, etc.) but I was blissfully ignorant to any of this and had a fabulous day because of it!
Second piece of advice: splurge on photography. If you want a professional photographer, get someone who does special photos (e.g., b/w, photojournalism). The day is going to be a big blur for you, so you want to make sure you get it captured on film. However, since about a million people are going to give you their copies of photos, it’s not worth getting a pro unless s/he can provide you with something extra special. We spent way more than I originally wanted to on the photographer, but that was the best damn investment we made for the whole wedding.
As for the honeymoon, we waited three years before we took ours so that we could save up enough time and money for something really amazing.
Late to the party! I heartily second whoever suggested the stage manager (it should NOT be someone standing up with you, that’s work enough) and someone to remind you to eat. I would only add to the splurge list: a live band, if you can at all swing it. We were lucky in this regard to be friends with musicians.
Forgive me if I’m repeating something, I skipped all the above comments.
At the reception we placed small cards at each plate explaining that instead of favors we’d made a charitable contribution. It was very well recieved. In my experience, no one really cares about the favors anyway. They care about the bride and groom.
Also, ballet flats saved my feet. I’m tall, so I wore them all day. If you hate the idea of feeling shorter (and I can’t imagine why you would; I’d rather be a wood-elf than a giant) maybe get some platform sneakers for the reception. Trust me, unless you get one of those elegant sheath thingies, your dress will weigh about fifty pounds by the end of the evening.
I know I commented previously, but just thought of another thing to add. Instead of doing a guestbook that you will never, in all likelihood, look through again after your big day, think about this alternative. A large B&W photo of you and the actually framed and matted with a very large mat. Set the picture on a table at the entrance with a pen and have people write their names and/or comments around the outside of the pic on the mat. You’ll have something neat to hang in your house that can be looked at an re-read over and over again through the years.
Oh, instead of the guestbook! We had note cards printed and sent with the invitations. Whether you could go or not, you filled out the card with some sentiment. There were extras at the site too, but they were all sealed up by my mom in an envelope that we opened on our 1st anniversary.
That was nice.
This may not be an issue for you, if you’re planning on going on your honeymoon straight from the reception, but…
Jeff and I booked a bed and breakfast for our wedding night, with plans to go back to his parents’ house for a post-wedding breakfast for all the people who’d come from out of town. And I completely forgot to bring a change of clothes. I ended up wearing Jeff’s polar fleece and pajama bottoms with my sparkly silver wedding shoes.
Yeah. I looked hip.
Also– make sure someone provides plates and napkins for your ceremonial eating of the wedding cake (if you’re doing that.) There weren’t any on the pretty little display table when it was time to cut, so I ended up holding a slice of cake in my bare hand– which was promptly slimed with buttercream frosting. Ah well.
I’m pausing for a moment from painting the skulls of family and friends (you never know when you may have a second wedding, any since you’re supposed to do it 15 years in advance, I figure I should get cracking) to comment. This is something I did and I’m glad I did it–after the ceremony, DH and I went off for a few minutes of alone time. It’s actually part of a Jewish ceremony, but I think everyone should do it. Just to breathe. Let everyone know that you’re doing this beforehand or they’ll plan pictures (and other things to overwhelm you) immediately following the ceremony. We had the matron of honour guard the door. It was just fifteen minutes to giggle and collect ourselves (and some other people have used their fifteen mintues to…achem…do other things). And totally made jumping back into the craziness (and we had a small wedding) totally manageable.
I got married last October, so the memory is still pretty fresh. The one small thing that I am absolutely most happy I did: Flip flops at the reception. My dress was floor length and quite poufy, and my ceremony shoes were lovely low heels. I bought white, thick flops at the bridal shoe store (best $35 I ever spent in my life). They ended up keeping me the right height, so my dress didn’t drag. It was sheer joy to go through the reception sans heels and panty hose. Sheer joy, I tell you. No one could see ym feet, anyway, and I was infinitely happier.
I think your website rocks.
As a Unitarian Universalist minister, if you have a religious officiant, I have several suggestions.
1) everyone calls the minister at the last minute. Just Say NO! Call the minister or officiant early. They will appreciate it.
2) Treat the minister like a professional. They will spend a lot of time with you planning a nice personalized service, and it will be something you and your family enjoy. They will work hard with you, and you should treat them nicely, not as “wedding staff.”
3) Pay the minister ahead of time. That way, you do not have to write the check after the service, when all you really want to do is party with your family and friends. It is worth it. Write the check ahead of time and give it to someone you trust to pay the minister.
4) Be open and communicative about your relationship and family information. It will help the minister or officiant create a personalized service.
Any other questions…
Let me know.
Dame Olympia
Elope!
I did and never regretted it for a second.
Honestly, as long as you have a nice dress and some pretty pictures — that’s all that matters.
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