Aug
10

The Bride Has A Question.

As you all know, (Don’t you? Keep up!) I am getting married in May. About a week after I accepted the Actually’s proposal, I sat down with a piece of paper and made a list of things I must arrange for the wedding. It looked something like this:
• Venue
• Food/Cake
• Flowers
• Dress
• License
• Guests
• Invitations
• Registry
• Honeymoon
• Judge/Vows
• Music
• Other (i.e. Rings, Lose 25 pounds, Gain 6 inches height)

I put each of these items on its own index card, and used said card to jot down ideas, deadlines, and prices. I thought this was a rather clever system, and I was proud of it, even though a few of the cards remained relatively bare (“Dress” has only a web address, a spastic sketch of a possible silhouette, and the notation “Fifties???”). I also have a folder full of brochures and catering price lists, but all the actual planning and decisions are recorded within the three-by-five-inch confines of my notecards. I scoff at hefty three-ring binders–after all, how difficult can it be to plan a wedding?

As I have mentioned before, I am unfamiliar with wedding magazines. I know that many girls whiled away their youthful afternoons perusing these publications, but I was busy sulking, and practicing my mother’s signature on notes excusing me from Gym.
Last week, however, I bought a copy of Twin Cities Wedding Bridal Extravaganza! {Ed. Note: Name changed because I can’t remember it}. I had hoped to find a few local resources, and perhaps some reasonably-priced-yet fetching dress ideas.
I was prepared for much of the content not to apply to my smallish wedding, but I was astounded by just how foreign the entire enterprise appeared. Do people really have $500 fingerbowl budgets? Everything seemed ridiculously over the top, and the only idea I got while looking at the dresses was for a musical spin-off of Great Expectations, to be called simply: “Havisham!”
The section of TCBWE! I found the most alarming was the “Wedding Checklist.” The items close to the wedding day are straightforward—Pack For Honeymoon, Rehearse Ceremony, Put On Dress—but the further they travel back in time, the weirder the list items become:

Six Months in Advance: Start wearing your wedding shoes for a few moments each night, so that you become accustomed to walking in them—no one likes a wobbler!
Twelve to Eighteen Months in Advance: Insist that family and coworkers begin referring to you as “The Bride,” as in “What are The Bride’s plans for the weekend?” or “How was The Bride’s day at work?”
Five Years in Advance: Schedule hymen reconstruction. You want everything to be perfect on the big night!
Fifteen Years in Advance: Start collecting the skulls of friends and neighbors. Spray-painted gold, hollowed out, and filled with flowers, they will make lovely centerpieces!

Anyhow, while I was able to dismiss many of the items as patently insane, there were a few that were sensible—even obvious seeming–that would nonetheless never have occurred to me. For example:

The Day Before: Pack a small bag with items like safety pins, stain remover, and aspirin, to have on hand for last-minute emergencies.

So brilliant! Yet diabolically simple!

So here is my question:
What is particularly important to remember when planning a wedding, other than presence of bride, groom, and champagne fountain? Is there anything you wish you had done differently for your own? Do you have any general wedding tips or amusing wedding stories, preferably involving drunkenness, in-laws, or garment malfunction?

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |