As is so often the case during my fits of faux-gravidity, I found myself possessed by an urge to pee on something, anything, any stick at all with a picture of a baby on the box. And so I did.
To my utter shock, I found that if I pried open the case, removed the strip, and held it to a light at a 45-degree angle…
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I could actually hear the test laughing at me.
To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure those things ever show two lines for anyone. I think it’s a racket. Why emperor! Wherever did you find that lovely ascot?
New clothes, indeed.
So, as you may have been clever enough to deduce, I am once again breaking my rule about blogging whilst intoxicated. Incidentally, this rule is an extension of one I put into place back when I was single, a rule that stated I was not to make any phone call or send any email after 11 pm or two drinks, whichever came first. I had very little luck enforcing said rule, to my everlasting humiliation. Sentences are so much more difficult with wine, don’t you find that to be true?
Last night I woke up at 3:00, 4:06, 4:21, 4:52, and 5:12. I felt distinctly unwell. At 5:20 I dragged myself to the bathroom to pee, and was peering into the mirror over the sink, trying to decide whether I could get away with not washing my hair, when Lennie attempted to jump on top of the cabinet and fell, instead, into the toilet. Which I had not yet flushed.
It seemed clear that the universe was telling me something. I perfunctorily washed a very angry cat, and called in sick.
The legal publishing world would just have to keep on turning without me for a day. Besides, I had important schoolwork I could catch up on!
Here are some of the things I did today instead of writing a paper:
1. Took Actually out for healthful breakfast of hashbrowns stuffed with cheese and vegetables, and topped with a (carb free!) ladle of grease
2. Watched Tivo-esqued episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
3. Googled idly
4. Fruitlessly attempted to organize notes for paper
5. Watched episode of Frasier
6. Cooked self healthful dinner of whole wheat pasta with bacon, egg yolk, feta, and various spices—seemed like excellent idea at the time; in retrospect, not my finest culinary moment.
7. Wine
8. Television
9. Wine
Just to mix things up a bit, I am thinking I might go watch Grey’s Anatomy with a mug of amaretto-spiked hot chocolate. Pregnant persons sometimes explain their cravings by insisting that it is what the baby wants. Well, my ovarian cysts are positively clamoring for amaretto. How can I refuse them?
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
You have inspired me! I went and traded in my old cable box for the new tivo-like box from Comcast. And I’ve never been happier. Now, I don’t have to miss America’s Next Top Model, or the New Advertures of Old Christine or even some of the new shows I’m sort of excited about like: Brothers & Sisters and Six Degrees. Who needs a baby anyway.
Have some Amaretto for me, please. You could also add a shot of spiced rum if you want.
Also, #6 made the little bit of vomit that always sits in my throat lately come up into my mouth.
Odd, my cysts also often crave amaretto. Perhaps they should treat PCOS with both Metformin and a small bottle of Disaronno for those occasional cravings.
The cat made me laugh out loud.
Hope the paper writing goes well, whenever it happens!
Yes, I often have inspired culinary ideas like that. I think the trick is to list the ingredients, then knock one or two off the list. Yours, for example, could, I think, have done without the feta.
Dang, we are soul sisters. I get mighty creative in the kitchen whenever a paper is due and I’ve thrown some wine down my gullet–which is, increasingly, every night. Why do so many bloggers have “rules” about not blogging intoxicated? Actually, I probably need a “no drunk commenting” rule.
I love blogging-drunk Alexa. And I say washing a cat is worth at least two days off work.
Oh god I would clean my cottage when I was supposed to be studying and then when my study partner would actually arrive, we’d study for our physics exams over wine or beer. Amazing we got A’s.
I’m on the wagon (2WW) so please have a drink for me. :))
The cat… eeeewwww, but funny! Sorry I just had to giggle at that one.
Sounds like you had a good day off, much better than working!
Take care
If there’s one thing that’s absolutely CERTAIN in one’s quest for the second pink line. One must ALWAYS acquiesce to the demands of one’s ovaries. Such AVARICE to even question such a thing. tsk, tsk. I think you owe them double amaretto to demonstrate your contrition.
Sounds like you had a lovely sick day. Aside from washing the cat. But that at least made for some good fodder for your quick wit!
Dude, from what I hear, cysts generally prefer Frangelico. Then again, I’d drink gasoline if it got me drunk, right? Right?!?
p.s. our Tivo-esque glory was totally ruined yesterday when football ran over, causing me to miss the last 10 minutes of Amazing Race. Stay on your toes, my friend. On your toes.