Oct
09

The Book of Alexa.

As revealed to me during a recent trip to the mall:

Whosoever shall wear those which are not shorts, nor a skirt, but the unholy marriage of the twain, they shall be cast down from their high place into a pit of fire.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I do so in shoes appropriate for the occasion, neither donning an Ugg in warmer climes nor wearing an espadrille unto the winter months. And remember that when Moses covered his feet in sandals, he did not also afflict them with socks.

Do not sculpt thy bangs so that thy hairs reach ever upwards unto the heavens, for to do so is Sin.

Verily I say unto you–unless thou art an actual pioneer, wear not the prairie dress, nor the prairie blouse, nor the unflattering skirt of daunting proportion. For there is only one God, and it is not Lucky Magazine.

For what purpose dost thou streak thy dark hair with brass as bright as the trumpets of Jericho? God clothed the lilies of the field all in one color, not laying upon them stripes in a manner unpleasing to the eye and suggesting loose virtue. Repent, Harlot! Cover thy head!

For God so loved the world he gave us his only son, who died for our sins, and also dies a little more each time he sees shoulder pads.

It is wicked to don a trouser fashioned from the skin of a calf, as the sight of it sears the eyes of all who look upon you. {And lo it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to remove thyself from such trousers.}

A godly jean is one which does not restrict the midsection and by such restriction cause the flesh to rise up like a yeast-bread. Heed not the false prophecies of weightless celebutantes, but remember these words as I have spoken them to you.

Do not allow thy bosoms to descend unto Satan, but rather hoist them! Hoist them unto the Lord!

And Lo, it was decreed that leggings should make thy thighs appear as vast as the Kingdom of God, and so let no one wear these footless abominations, but rather go forth in Christ, and also in regular pants.

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |