How to ruin my day.
You will have to comment softly today, as I am a bit hungover. My gin-headache was sorely exacerbated by what I saw walking into work this morning, namely a fifty-year-old woman in a MAUVE PLAID GAUCHO SUIT.
A pinkish, plaid suit. With gauchos instead of pants.
I considered just turning straight around and calling it a day, driving home to curl up under the covers and weep for a world where one can even procure a MAUVE PLAID GAUCHO SUIT. But I put on my game face—replacing the mask of horror I had been wearing previously—and marched behind this woman across the parking lot and through security to the elevators. I had been hoping that security would stop her, but they did not. We live in America, after all, and here it is not illegal to wear things like MAUVE PLAID GAUCHO SUITS. But wouldn’t it be lovely if it were?
Perhaps we could modify the Miranda Warning, renaming it the Carmen Miranda Warning (I don’t care if Bananas Is Your Business, fruit hats flatter no one). Then I could walk up to that pink-gaucho-suited woman and say sternly: “You have the right to remain stylish. Anything you wear can and will be used against you in a court of law…”
Some other crimes whose perpetrators I would like to see prosecuted:
Mullet in the First Degree: Also known as Mullet with Intent, these are generally mullets that the defendant obviously put a lot of thought (premeditation) into, often by perming the top portion of the hair. Remember, law students: Intent follows the Mullet!
Felony Mullet: A mullet that co-occurs with another crime, such as Soliciting (My Disgust).
Criminal Negligence: I’m glad you’re comfortable, but a sweatsuit is a sweatsuit, I don’t care if it did cost $300 and says “Whore!” in glitter across your ass.
Accessory: Is that a hideous and impractical jeweled clutch in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Reckless Endangerment: You can’t wear a lime-green turtleneck bodysuit with shoulder cutouts in a crowded theater.
Endangering the Welfare of a Child: Did you just expose your child to the sight of your dimpled buttocks hanging from a pair of cutoffs? I’m afraid you’ve forfeited your parental rights.
Arson (Of My Corneas): Roberto Cavalli, this means you.
Assault (Upon the Sensibilities): Are you a hat that can be measured in gallons? A thong visible above a pair of low-rise jeans? A pant bound to the foot by a stirrup? Excuse me while I find my billy club.
Depraved Indifference to Human Life: Four words—MAUVE PLAID GAUCHO SUIT.
******
As long as I am venting my ire, a note to the Lifetime network, which cancelled tonight’s double feature of “Fifteen and Pregnant” and “Unwed Father”:
I HATE YOU.
10 Comments
You are absolutely too funny. Thanks!!
I certainly hope you’re forbidding only those sweatpants with titles across fat asses, because my dear Alexa, I would be naked without them and THAT, my friend, would be a crime indeed.
I think we need to create an offense combining the worst of two of these things: Child Endangerment Mullet with Intent. I once saw a poor little boy (2-3 years old) in the Home Despot parking lot with an astonishing little blonde mullet. I almost went and took him then & there, figuring his parents couldn’t possibly love and care for him properly if by this age, they’d already given him a mullet.
Plaid gauchos? Ouch!
http://www.mullet.com
That is all….
Wonderful. Let me know if you need additional fashion police, because I agree with all of these points.
I’ve seen 15 and pregnant too many times. Not that good. Never heard of the other one. Go rent pretty in pink or something else instead.
I think 15 and pregnant starts Kirsten Dunst. Maybe I’m wrong. I know I’ve seen it. Trust me, you’d rather spend your night trying on mauve plaid gaucho suits than watching it.
I am proud to say that I have seen both Fifteen and Pregnant, and Unwed Father. I have a few words for you: Park Overall & Brian Austin Green. You simply cannot go wrong.
I think I sprained my uvula with all my enthusiastic snorting and guffawing. Too true! Mullet with Intent — here I go again!
Your wedding-dress story made me laugh too — especially your response to the mad ticker ladies, which was identical to mine. Who has that much time — not to mention insanity — on her hands?
Excellent fashion commentary once again. Hope you don’t mind but I posted on my blog and cited you. Maybe more traffic is on it’s way to your site even as we speak. :)
What makes a person in mauve plaid gauchos look at themselves in the mirror and say “Damn but I look fine!”????