Bacon, spam, and whine.
I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I think I may have been drugged. I hadn’t thought any of my relatives capable of slipping me a mickey, but I suppose you never can tell.
Today I spent eschewing bacon and weeping. The Actually was watching some sort of vegetarian propaganda film, and felt compelled to tell me that when a pig is born, pig-meat farmers chop off its ears (among other things). Its ears! Why would they do that? Poor, earless piglets! I burst into tears and had to be comforted at length. I was shaken enough that I couldn’t eat the rasher of bacon I had prepared, and I changed my dinner menu, which had previously included pork. I generally hold little truck with vegetarians, mostly because meat is so very tasty, but it was a compelling film. I think I will have to start looking for local meat sources that don’t chop off the ears of sweet, bacon-y piglets. Or maybe I’ll test-drive some tofu recipes.
Anyway, I had crab for dinner. Thank heavens crabs don’t have ears.
Oh, look. I just received an email promising me “More than 100% erection.”
“Rivers of joy and rivers of sperm are guarantees by Virtual Sex Superstore,” it says. That’s poetic, somehow. Do you ever wonder who writes these? Is it a person, or merely a computer with a rich fantasy life?
I apologize for the lack of quality here at Flotsam of late. The thing about posting every day, for me, is that I never get time to think about anything before I write it. Usually I think about a post for a day or so, while I wash the dishes or open the mail. I roll the idea around the contours of my brain and write a sentence or two at a time between work crises. Not that I am writing the Great American Blog Entry, or anything, but I sometimes manage to rise above the level of earless piglets and rivers of sperm.
But now, with work and school and my relentless perfectionism, there seems to be only enough time to type blindly.
Six more days.
5 Comments
This is really upsetting news, as bacon means a lot to me. A LOT. I didn’t realize how much until I thought of life without it. Bacon makes everything better.
Although really, I always did wonder where they got those pig ears that they market incessantly to my dog. Pig ears are EVERYWHERE in Petco, etc., aren’t they? And they’re kind of gross, because they still look like…ears. Which is gross. I guess I just never bothered to let myself think about it that much, but now that I know that they are mercilessly chopped off in the making of my bacon, I’m not sure where to look.
You do know your title says Spam, not sperm, right? Freudian slip, maybe? The lack of bacon is maybe making you crave potted meat?
Edible and computer Spam aside (like how I segued there?), how terrible for those little piggies! Why on earth would you clip the ears off a piglet? What kind of sicko does that? I wish I could insert here that this is why I’m a vegetarian but alas, the McDonald’s double cheeseburger on my breath would give me away. *slinks guilitly from the room, contemplating earless piglets*
You hang in there honey, you’re doing great. I love your blog, and for one have been really pleased to have been able to read you every day. Yousa funny, funny girl…!
“I generally hold little truck with vegetarians”
I take back my last comment dear Miss! Why I NEVER - even on the east coast!
oh and I’m not a holy rolling veg, I don’t eat meat for health reasons (reasons 1,2 and 3 = it tried to kill me), but after that comment I feel the need to let you know that they also cut the feet of chickens - LITTLE CHICKENS! And do not get me started on veal or I’ll have to bring in Morrissey.
bwahahahhaaaa!