Still here.
This morning the pregnancy tests I have been taking for the past five days finally turned slightly positive. It was odd to watch the faint pinkish band appear and not feel happy. I haven’t seen that second line for two years; I have imagined countless times since then the day it would reappear.
I suppose the fact that the tests were negative yesterday and positive today is a good thing, in its way. Based on the fact that my temperatures spiked abrubtly on 13 dpo, I am guessing that implantation happened 12 dpo. That would explain the low beta, but it wouldn’t make it more encouraging. Alas, pregnancies that implant after 11 dpo have at least a 82% miscarriage rate before six weeks. I have never heard of a beta this dismal working out–even Brooklyn Girl’s 14.3 was a day earlier (10dp3dt).
I remembered that I called my clinic last week to make sure they could do my day 3 bloodwork this Monday, if needed, and they’d said they could. So I called them this afternoon and asked whether they couldn’t move my beta to Monday. They cannot. They will only do bloodwork that day for people who “really need it.”
Whereas I, obviously, am just doing this for kicks.
“Need it on that particular day, I mean,” the nurse said quickly.
All the self-serve labs in my area seem to be closed on weekends.
So. I wait.
I could not go to work today–I am sad, and sick, and exhausted, and my breasts need to be kept perfectly motionless in order for me not to swoon with the pain (I guess it wasn’t all bruising from my pre-test poking–I had a legitimate pregnancy symptom after all).
I really don’t know what to write, except that I am so grateful to have you. The first thing I did after I got the call yesterday was post, and every comment made me feel a little bit better and a little less lonely. Thank you all so much.
42 Comments
Oh, I am so sorry that you’re in this limbo. How incredibly frustrating. I hope that somehow, some way, this turns around and works out. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m not sure what to say… I’d love to offer words of encouragement, things like “are you positive of your dpo?!?!” “don’t give up hope yet” blah blah blah, but it probably won’t wake you feel any better…
I just wanted to let you know I eagerly look forward to your posts and that a perfect stranger in a small town in Virginia is really rooting for you… really.
No words of wisdom but I’m here and I’m thinking about you Sweetie.
Another stranger, in Arkansas, is rooting for you too.
i, too, am unsure what all the numbers mean but i am not unsure about the fact that you are sad. and you seem to be without hope. i don’t really pray anymore, but if i do i will pray for you to have peace and support, and maybe hope.
we all love you.
Count me in with the others not knowing what to say. I wish I had the playbook for this event. I wish I had the playbook for all of us.
If you need to vent, even in the middle of the night, just call. I’ll be here.
Grr. You do too need it “on that particular day.”
And the appearance of the second line must mean your hCG is going up, at least, right? I’ll choose to take that as a hopeful sign on your behalf, even though I know you’re not feeling optimistic now.
I just caught up with your last 3 posts.
You got a positive HPT. Now. Really? I’m speechless.
If only circumstances allowed you to be cautiously optimistic, instead of pessimistic.
What a cruel fate.
Just wanted to stick my head up and say that I’m thinking of you and will continue to do so…
Someone should tell that nurse that anyone asking for a beta “really needs it.” My fingers are still crossed for you guys.
If I was a lab tech, I’d do your bloodwork for you any time, night or day, holiday or not.
Waiting is such misery. Know that we are thinking of you.
God, what a mindf*ck…if no lines were appearing, you could just be sad & move on, but with this? So unfair.
I am very mad at your clinic about the bloodwork, too. Since when are betas irrelevant to a freaking fertility clinic?
Best of luck getting through the weekend. I’m still hoping you’ll be the Brooklyn Girl for the next generation.
A big, big, big, hug — avoiding the chest area, of course. I have nothing else to offer except affection and hope. Lots and lots of hope.
Hi there, crossing my fingers for you and wishing Tuesday gets here (and with good news) as quickly as possible.
I hope so very much that you are out of this murkiness and onto the other side soon. Being in limbo land is the worst, especially when doctors and tests are involved. I’m sorry.
I don’t know what any of this means, as I am completely ignorant about this. But I don’t like that it doesn’t look good to you, and I don’t like seeing you in limbo.
I’m thinking of you.
Ugh.
Just, ugh.
Dont know what to say, but another stranger, from Philadelphia this time, is praying for you.
Oh sweet Alexa, I feel so terrible that you are sad, and wish I could hug you. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Rent some movies and order some really delicious take-out, because good food always makes everything a little better. And have that cute boyfriend of yours spoil you a bit.(You hear that, cute boyfriend??!! You take good care of our Flotsam, ’cause she’s a treasure.)
I am thinking of you both, and hope everything turns out well.
So what am I missing (aside from I need to become the phlebotomist superhero - forgive me, I’m drinking for you)- today’s hcg must have risen from yesterday, no? Is that not good? That doesn’t sound very chemically to me. Maybe I should bow out here, what with this whole natural thing that I am completely unfamiliar wth.
Hey hon, been there done that and I know the unrelenting torture it is to wait for a 2nd beta to see if it’s (Please God) doubling. I know many (and I’m not kidding you - MANY) women who have had low first betas (even lower than yours) and had successful pg’s. I’ve been part of a ttc online support group for years and all of us now have kids(after longer than a year’s ttc), either naturally or w/help. So while I won’t blow smoke up your kilt (of course it could go either way), I will offer you hope in that it CAN still be a healthy pg. Hang in there hon and feel free to email me if you want to chat more. BTW I had twins after 2+ years of ttc and one round of injectibles/IUI so I know what torture you are going through. BTW the nurses at your clinic are assholes to not do a repeat beta for you, holiday or not!
Hugs, Sandra
I’m thinking of you and will be checking on often, hoping to see the good news of a higher beta. So sorry you have to wait for it. Hope the positive pee stick is a good sign… xxx
Yet another stranger rooting for you, this one from California. I’m so sorry you’re in limbo and am hoping against hope for a good outcome.
I’m not trying to be Pollyanna or Rebecca of Sunnybrook Uterus or anything, but here’s my experience:
I ovulated on July 31/August 1, got a negative on August 11, went to the Florida Keys and drank my face off thinking we had another failed cycle, and then mysteriously implanted on August 14. I got a positive and started Progesterone on the 16th. It can happen.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you. I know you weren’t expecting another fertility rollercoaster right now and I know how difficult it is.
Sucks to be in this pregnancy purgatory. Thinking of you - hoping you’re hanging in there okay.
.. by the magic of the internet another perfect stranger follows your story with interest and empathy from the great distance of Ireland, where the daylight is already fading. May all be well.. best of luck to you..
I know this is just plain torture for you and I wish I could say something to comfort you during this really sucky time. Those nurses are horrible and should do your beta on Monday. Minnesota Nice? My ass. People here suck. Hey, just curious where you read that stat about late implantation? No one has ever said that to me before. I always had really low betas with my 3 losses and maybe that’s the problem. Does IVF help with this? I’ll be thinking of you girl!
I can not believe they will not get you in Monday. Damn them.
Let me know if you need anything - you know my number.
I’m both very sorry that this isn’t an obviously easy thing to be happy about and hopeful that you will get good news next week. Those nurses need to learn a little more about the word “need”…
I’m another reader who has little input on the numbers and what they mean but wanted you to know I’m thinking good thoughts for you. I hope the long weekend flies by for you.
Thinking of you, Alexa. I’m so sorry.
Alexa: Just started reading your blog today. While a positive test is wonderful news, it sounds like the “numbers” may not be what they need to be and for that I am sorry. We are starting our journey into IVF as soon as my cycle starts in about ten days. I look forward to following along with your journey to parenthood.
Hoping that this will turn into something positive.
Just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way to help with the wait. I know that you are concerned, but I still am holding out hope that this could work out for the best.
Hang in there and will check back.
um… you still out there? just hoping you hadn’t stuck you head in the oven or anything… hope all is well and that there’s good news to follow soon :)
ditto what everybody else said - sorry you’re in such limbo. Hopefully you’ll have a positive outcome, but we’ll be here for you either way.
I am hoping the weekend wasn’t too awful and tense. I will continue to hope for you because, well, I know it’s hard to hope in your position. I personally am looking forward to the possibility of giving you a hard time about the belly that your beautiful wedding dress is going to show.
Ach. Feeling for you Alexa.
Hello!?!? What are the evil pee sticks telling you these days?
Wishing you lots and lots of luck. Not that it’s very comforting, but my gut feeling is a good one.
Holy shit! I don’t check your blog for a few days, and look at all I’ve missed!!!
I don’t know if you remember, but when I posted my positive last year, you said that when I had written about my ovulation that you’d had a feeling that I’d be getting those two lines. You know what? I had the same feeling when you said that you O’ed. I didn’t want to post it then because you’d think I was just blowing smoke up your lovely ass. But I really did. And I am hoping SOOOOO hard that the end result is the same too.
I’m with T… any update on the evil pee sticks??? It totally sucks that you have to wait until tomorrow for a repeat beta.
Delurking to say that like others, I have no clue what these numbers mean, but I am sending positive thoughts your way from Canada. I can’t quite remember how I stumbled across your blog, but it had me hooked from the first read.
Oh, Alexa, what a thing to be going through. I’ll be thinking of you all day and checking for updates.
Hey, if you ever need a lab test on a weekend, just go to a local hospital and use their lab. They can run these 24/7 and you can often get results while you wait. Nothing better than immediate gratification, oui?
Congrats on the + test!!