1. I went back to work today. I couldn’t sleep, so I was at my desk by six a.m. Work was good in that it kept me occupied and out of the house, bad in that I was constantly this close (fingers held barely apart) to crying, which did not go unnoticed. Also, my co-worker thought today would be a good day to bring her grandson in for show and tell. I could hear him in her office saying “BabaBAba! BabaBAba!” in the way that babies do. Then she brought him into my office and he gave me a suspicious look. I don’t blame him one bit.
2. The Actually says we can try again right away but I don’t want to. I’m sure I will change my mind once the constant, thumping anxiety dissipates, but right now I want nothing to do with pregnancy. Babies and I are through. Whose bright idea was it to have children anyway? After my last miscarriage I couldn’t wait to get myself knocked up again, and now even the thought makes me sick with nerves.
3. While I was waiting for the phone call yesterday, I was nearly retching with anticipation. I would stand in the bathroom, waiting to be sick and listening to my heart clunk mightily against my ribs. When the nurse gave me the result, I felt something shockingly like relief. Relief that the ordeal was over, that I wouldn’t have to face days and weeks more of anxiety over betas. Then I was overwhelmed with guilt and self-loathing. Then I cried.
4. I have been cramping since last night, but still not so much as a spot of blood.
5. I can’t seem to eat anything. Personal tragedy, or best diet ever? And crying jags count as exercise, if they’re strenuous enough. Miscarry your way to a size six!
6. Last night I had the worst panic attack I have had in a long time. I couldn’t stop shaking—the poor Actually put his arms around me while I cried and babbled and tried to breathe. I want to believe that this weird resurgance of panic is hormonal. Almost all of my worst panic attacks have been just before the start of a period. I know I was barely even pregnant, but my falling hormones could still be causing this whirlwind of crazy, couldn’t they?
(That was NOT A RHETORICAL QUESTION. I’d like to know if I am losing my mind.)
p.s. I think I need a kitten. Are four cats too many?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh sweetie. What a rotten day. I wish I was closer so I could cook you a big vat of mac-n-cheese and help you get drunk. Even if you don’t feel like eating or drinking anything.
In answer to your question, yes, hormonal fluctuation can cause your existing anxiety disorder to worsen. So can a huge amount of stress, which you have been under for quite a while, the miscarriage being only the latest and greatest stressor. I think those two things combined to leave you flayed open on the floor. And you know what? If you have to lose your mind for a little then do it. It’ll come back eventually.
Let me know what I can do to help.
I’m so sorry, hon. Not crazy at all. Completely normal behavior for someone who is miscarrying. Even an early miscarriage throws your hormones all out of whack. Not to mention the gut-wrenching horror of it all.
You don’t need two same answers to one question, do you? Hormones suck ass.
Let’s hope that anyone and anything pregnancy/new baby related stay within their own corners of the world and give you some peace.
Is their an equivalent to the silver bullet/garlic/crucifix for such things? If I find one, I’ll let you know.
Yeah, I am familiar with miscarriage as the Best Diet Ever. It sucks. (Though I did take a sick pleasure in feeling skinny.) I remember the panic attacks, too. I am really so, so sorry.
Alexa, I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you.
Oh I’m so sorry. And no, you are not crazy. Seriously, the ebb and flow of hormones like that can make you insane, absolutely INSANE. Alexa, my God. This is normal. Do not beat yourself up, but give yourself a huge break – this is a big deal! A very big deal! A very, gigantic, hormonal DEAL. If there were no emotional consequences, you’d still be completely tweaked.
Sorry you had a sucky day.
You definitely deserve another kitty.
#6 – Yes, absolutely. After my last miscarriage in April and resulting mastitis, I truly thought I was losing my mind.
Hang on Alexa. It’s all I can offer right now but I’m thinking of you.
And four cats are NOT too many.
HEY ALEXAH I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON, IF NOT I WAS THINKIN MEBBE YOU COULD GET A BUNNY. MEBBE YOU HAVE HEARD OF BUNNYS, THEY ARE LIKE BABYS BUT LITTLER AND WITH MORE FUR.
I HAVE ONE FOR YOU HER NAME IS MAIZY AND SHE DONT EAT MUCH IF YOU WANT HER. SHES REAL CUTE PLUS I HATE HER.
THINK ABOUT IT!
THATS ALL
LOVE HUGH
Oh, Alexa, my thoughts are with you…
I can understand your anxiety so, so well. And the hormones coursing through your body now — or, to be more accurate, plummeting — are more than anyone can contend with. I remember distinctly the feeling that I was coming unhinged. May that feeling go away soon for you, my dear. How I wish I could do something for you to make it all better.
Uh, wow. I hope Hugh’s comment is real and not a put on by someone because it’s fucking crazy.
Anyway, as someone well-acquainted with anxiety, I’m so, so sorry you have to deal with horrible attacks as well as fluctuating hormones. Severe anxiety is definitely within the realm of one of the suckiest things that ever sucked.
Four kitties is certainly not too many. A woman is nothing without a pussy or four, that’s what I always say.
We have one cat, two kittens, and a black lab — so I think another kitten is not contraindicated.
I have no experience with either miscarriage or anxiety, but I would guess that you’re dealing with a pretty potent mix of hormones right now. You’re not going crazy; you’re having a physical response that is out of your control.
A close relative miscarried recently and she most certainly went through a period of great hormonal stress, and what probably looked to HER a lot like crazy. To the rest of us it was an awful awful grief that was completely appropriate for her loss.
Get yourself a kitten, please. And give yourself grace and time and forgiveness and love.
I know that I am a complete stranger to you but I live in St. Paul and if you would like to get together for coffee at Nina’s or something just email me. I understand the anxiety, the fear, dread/hope of it all. After my 3rd miscarriage, the thought of trying again seemed terrifying. Even now when I go in for my betas, I’m hoping they are negative (in a weird way) because I’m just not sure I could face the anxiety of a 4th. Anyway, maybe it would help to talk to someone who understands. Maybe that’s me. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that the anxiety will die down and the Klonopin will help. It helps me too on my worst days. Take care and I’m so so terribly sorry that this is happening to you.
Actually I was thinking, F coffee. We need drinks!
Hey lady. I have put off calling you for fear of “bugging” you, but I really want to do something/anything to make you feel better. I am sorry you are so depressed. Your body and all those crazy hormones are not making it any easier.
No, four cats is not too many. I do have a little something that I picked up to make you smile and was going to give to you in person. Since I don’t expect you to want to see people I may put it in the mail. Obvioulsy it is not a live cat, but it is kitty related.
I really wish I could make your pain and heartache go away.
Thinking of you, but don’t know what to say.
I agree with Pru. More pussy is always a good thing.
And GOD YES the hormones, especially coming on top of all the life stress (both good and bad) that you’ve been under, can definitely multiply your anxiety. You’re not losing your mind. You’re in pain, and I know we each wish we could take a little bit of that pain foro you.
u can have my dog, really. he’s not the same as a, gulp, baby. but he does cuddle and he served as an excellent stand in for me for many years.
seriously, u can have him.
I don’t think 4 cats are too much! We have 5 inside and decided we needed a puppy when i miscarried.
It really has helped hubby.
oh, I am so sorry you are feeling so crummy. You are not crazy! This stuff sucks and makes you feel like crap and makes you feel crazy. It’s totally unfair.
I hope you feel better soon. and I hope that some hope returns for you soon.
I’m gonna agree with the comments above that blame hormones AND massive levels of stress for major anxiety attacks.
Stress alone will do that. Add in crazy hormonal changes, and I think it’s a recipe for disaster. Luckily, they will subside. After a while.
And – kittens! Never can there be too many kittens :)
you are SO not crazy. I really want to find the words to comfort you… I’m so moved by your posts. The only thing I can think of is to tell you that we’re reading and there are people out here who care about your kitties and your krazies (I just made that up) and we are thinking of you… AND I say go for kittens.
Not crazy, no. And anyway, losing your mind over something like this is completely rational. You have a right to lose it, I mean. And a right to buy a kitty, or seven, to compensate. : ) Oh, and may I also suggest copious amounts of the dessert of your choice. I prefer Huckleberry pie, but I hear cake is nice, too.
Hang in there.
You’re not losing your mind, but I’m sure it feels like it. I think what you are feeling has to be normal considering the hormonal swings a + test can cause to you, and then to have it crash down? Normal, IMHO. Panic attacks sometimes come on when you least expect them, too, but it is good that you know when yours are likely to come on. I think this one hit you by surprise though. (hug).
I’m all for adding a fluffy kitten to the mix. Your little guy in the next post is adorable!