The Actually says yes, four cats are too many. He forbids me to adopt a kitten, a kitten that is in NEED OF A HOME, a kitten in a SHELTER. A kitten that probably will end up on the streets, selling its tiny, fluffy body for milk. Not even a little one, one that would barely be any trouble at all. Even though the kitten I got after my last miscarriage turned out to be so delightful.
He’ll be sorry.
Beta this morning at 5 weeks was under 10 (negative at my clinic), so I am pleased. The only bad moment was when the nurse began talking about starting Letrozole right away and I suddenly couldn’t breathe.
“We won’t be doing that yet!” I said a bit more shrilly than necessary. Then I took an Ativan.
I do not want to get pregnant again, at least not until I can think about it without having palpitations. Of course, the minute I typed that sentence, I thought—maybe. Maybe I do want to get pregnant again right away. Maybe the crushing anxiety was only due to the circumstances of this particular pregnancy. Truthfully, I am not sure why a wee chemical pregnancy unhinged me this much, but I expect it was the shock of getting pregnant in the first place, followed by that interminable five-day wait, exacerbated by my already overburdened stress-circuits. Full time job, full time school, full time neurotic. Probably the anxiety is not a sign that I am too nervous to take care of a baby, or that I will get post-partum anxiety and be forever unbalanced. Still, I am confused about what happens next, about what I want to happen next. The panic attacks have ceased, but I am not ready to do the whole thing over again just yet, if you know what I mean. Until I am, there are papers to write and a wedding to plan and a job to trudge off to in the morning. Not to mention the actual miscarriage to have. The Actually went out and bought me several boxes of those marvelous stick-on heating pads so that I can cramp in the comfort of my own office without a lot of co-worker-distracting keening.
It occurs to me that I never got around to writing a post about the new year. 2007 sure started off with a bang, didn’t it?
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Not a doctor, but I would say that any anxiety now, any depression, any tendencies toward feline domecile domination should all be considered immaterial in your future as a mother. We all become a whole new kind of crazy. So you just agonize to your heart’s content, the mother you will be has nothing to do with your nerves. Your Actually sounds like he is actually pretty awesome, and I am with him on the cat, though if you must, come to upstate NY and take our cat. Take care of yourself.
Sounds like you are in a much better place today than you were yesterday, which is a good thing. And I praise The Actually’s wisdom in not allowing you to have another cat, no matter how fluffy and cute. Because three’s company but four’s a crowd. I think that’s how the saying goes when you apply it to cats.
And. You will be a good mother. So stop worrying (about that, anyway.)
Well, if I’ve got the birds and the bees thing right, it was 2006 that ENDED with a bang, n’est ce pas?
If anxiety is a sign that you’re too nervous to take care of a baby, they’d have to revoke an awful lot of babies, including mine.
If your gut reaction is “Not now” then I’d go with your gut. I doubt you’ll stay in that mindset forever, but right now you’ve had a horrible disappointment, and you’re very sad, and it’s ok to be a bit loopy.
I’m with Thalia–go with not now, if that’s what you feel. If you try to push yourself into it too quickly, it’ll be much harder. “Wee chemical pregnancy”…it was a miscarriage and you need to take the time that your heart needs to grieve. Don’t force yourself.
I think 4 cats would be lovely.
You mean you don’t have any percocet for the miscarriage? I should have sent you some – it’s a must you know!
Oh yeah and what’s one more cat?
That’s quite a load!
Next is regaining your balance, no? Take your time.
Damn, I was kind of hoping I could use the Alexa got a kitty, so why can’t I…. Is there any budge room? WOuld he notice if there was just one more pouncing around the house? What if I “gave” you one?
Take your time. You’ll get to the place where you’re ready to try again – in due time.
I think if Josie ‘gave’ you one, he can hardly make you give it back, can he?
I always lobby for another kitty after every disappointment. Hasn’t worked so far though.
getting pg after a miscarriage is anxiety-inducing enough without all the additional stress of school/work.
you’ll find some amount of peace with getting pg soon enough and then you’ll know you’re ready.
Yes, it certainly did. Well, a positive is a positive and it’s no less difficult to deal with than any other pregnancy. You have hopes. . . damn all those hopes that creep in.
Hope you’re doing okay.
I am just catching up… I am so sorry for what you have been going through.
Sending you a big hug.
Take care
Just checking in with you. Hope you’re coping ok.
Like Thalia said, just checking in & hoping you’re feeling better.
Me too, checking in on you. Hope you’re doing alright.
First of all, tell the Actually that if there isn’t room for a bitty kitten, then he can sleep in the yard. However, if EVERYONE got a kitten when they miscarried, my god! Your blogroll would be a communal cat farm.
Hope you’re doing better, and better, and better.
I just got back to town and wanted to check in on you. I hope you are alright, that the physical symptoms have passed and you are feeling a bit better emotionally.
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
You haven’t posted in a while. I hope you’re doing ok. Thinking of you.
you haven’t been around… hope you’re okay. lots of us are/havebeen/willbe thinking of you.
so should we be getting worried? I hope you’re ok.
Hello, I’m a sometimes lurker who checks in from time to time to enjoy your witty writing. I read the last few posts and see that you haven’t posted for a while. Just wanted to say that I am sorry you have had to endure such hardships and am sending good vibrations out into the universe for you. Hope some of them reach you…
Don’t beat yourself up! I’ve only had one miscarriage, but I feel the exact same way…to nervous to even think about it again yet. Give yourself some time to take deep breaths, but don’t obsess more than you need to in order to sort out your thoughts. Nobody’s ever 100% ready, but you’ll get there with anxiety or not. Hugs!
Amy D.