I do not like painkillers. I don’t mean Advil, I mean things like Percocet and Vicodin. I realize I may be in the minority here, but they make me feel funny, and I am suspicious of things that make me feel funny. Feeling funny, for me, usually leads to feeling nervous about feeling funny, which leads to nervousness about the now-mounting nervousness about feeling funny, and then get out the paper bags, folks, we’re off to the races!
So, I tried to go without, at first, but have you ever had a kidney stone? They hurt. Not all of the time—right now for instance, I am merely uncomfortable, but on Sunday I was weeping and making odd noises of the sort I would imagine laboring women make, and I tried to breathe through the pain (which: Ha!) but finally I was reduced to taking the maximum dose of Vicodin because at some point feeling funny becomes more attractive than feeling as though a pair of long page shears of the sort one sees in publishing houses is lodged in your groin, poking upwards towards your lower back.
I also have to pee every ten minutes, into a very small strainer, and I am intensely paranoid about missing the strainer and pissing the stone irretrievably into the toilet. Kidney stones are very stressful, this way.
I am sure you are glad you stopped by, to hear me yammer on about urine for several hundred words, but my mind is full of urine at the moment (that doesn’t sound quite right, does it?) so you will just have to bear with me. I have now missed three consecutive days of work and I am wracked with guilt. I know I have a legitimate excuse, but I still feel like I am playing hooky, and it worries me. It is only the first week of February and I have used all of my sick time, thanks to my recent un-pregnancy and this stupid, hateful stone. But there is also a small part of me that is not at all sorry to be staying home laying on the couch all day, because really, I needed a break, even if I am unable to enjoy said break because I am busy feeling guilty both about missing work and about not using my time at home to chip away at the mountain of homework looming ominously in the foreground. Luckily the pain is there to distract me, and send me diving under the electric blanket, clutching my side and gulping water.
I really did mean to post something interesting, but there isn’t anything interesting about a kidney stone, and I am too tired to think of anything else to talk about. Erm…how about that Superbowl? I’ll bet that someone won, and the people in whatever state that team is from are pretty excited! And some others, from another state, are probably downright crestfallen! Both of these groups of people are probably the sort that don’t have to pause Friday Night Lights every five minutes to look things up on the Internet, things about receivers and downs.
Sigh. I give up. I’m going back to bed.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey — I’m with you on the painkillers. I related to your post, only too well — although I’ve never had a kidney stone. But I did give birth two times without drugs — and the other two times I did have drgs, I was so sick and — it was just gross. Prefer to take the pain straight.
Perhaps you should name the stone. You know, try to make friends with it. Open a discourse and ask it nicely to please go fuck itself.
I hope it passes soon and you’re quickly pain free and on the road to recovery.
Do you remember that 80′s movie ‘Romancing the stone’? Maybe that would offer some welcome distraction. Even in 10-minute increments.
I hope the suffering ends soon.
The Dude had kidney stones soon after P. was born. When he first had an “attack” (or whatever you would call it), he genuinely thought he was dying. After he recovered he told me that he read it was as painful as labour and delivery. He was certain that it really was, despite not enduring the pleasure that is childbirth. It is probably not advisable to say this to a woman who actually gave birth to a baby a few short weeks before and was still bleeding as a result.
I’m glad you’ve had a chance to just relax (heh), even if it is under such circumstances.
Hee hee, your football commentary is positively hilarious. So you’ve always got that!
Oh, Flicka, OW. That just sucks, comprehensively. (As does the guilt.)
Your football paragraph made me absolutely lose it. Never has my perception of the Super Bowl been summed up quite so well.
Get better soon, my dear. May you pass that sucker (with the minimal pain that that can possibly involve) soon.
And now I called you Flicka too. That sucks even more. I’m so sorry.
Yep, that’s why I went with a drug-free L&D the second time around. I don’t like to feel funny. Feeling funny takes away all of my resources for dealing with the pain (some of which is usually left over after the painkillers).
Ouch on the kidney stones. Pobrecita.
this is just getting you ready for the fun of IVF, PIO shots will be a breeze for you. get better.
You have summarized my feelings about football exactly. I’ll have to get back to you about the kidney stone thing, though, since I’ve never had one. After what you’ve said about the whole thing, I hope I never have one. Eeek!
FWIW, Vicodin and Perkasett make me feel awful, too. They don’t help my pain much, either; they just give me a headache and make so high I don’t care about it any more.
Again, lex, on an unrelated note, I love Friday Night Lights. Seems like most people aren’t taken with it, but I think it’s the greatest thing since midget porn.
I’ve heard from people who’ve had both kidney stones and natural births that the kidney stones are WAY more painful than giving birth without meds. I can’t even fathom what you’re feeling now.
Argh. You just can’t catch a break, can you? Maybe looking at your beautiful wedding dress will make you feel better?
I’ve only had a doozy of a UTI. I cannot imagine how much a stone would hurt. And the painkillers are not doing it for you? You have my sympathy, my lady. Promise me you’ll take some time off to veg once the thing has passed. You need it.
I used to feel that way about painkillers. And then I got over it. Painkillers are my friend.
Sorry you’re hurting so much. My rough, tough husband has had a couple of kidney stones and they brought him to his knees. I’m sending you my very best “pass the stone now” vibes.
Hope you feel better very soon… take care
Oy–I am so sorry about the stone. And having to pee into a strainer. And ow…ow…I had one once and all I can say remember the pain is…by fuck…ow.
Ooops–that’s remembering the pain. Not that you should remember the pain. But me…well…I can’t quite erase it…
soo, i’m actually tripping on vicodin right now.. but this was hilarioussss. get well soon buddy! my friend had kidney stones and she had to get them blasted.. i know how much she went through and hope yours arent quite as terrible!