Wedding Wednesday: Standing on Ceremony.
I am not sure what happened to the last week, but it seems to be over. Where does the time go? The time that I don’t spend whining about how quickly the time goes, I mean.
Anyway, when we left off I was telling you that I hired a judge. I should specify that I hired this judge to perform the ceremony at the wedding. This might seem obvious to you, but both the Actually and a friend of mine, when told I had hired a judge, asked “What for?” in concerned tones.
Oh you know. Just to have one in my pocket, in case I am indicted for something. I’m always thinking ahead.
Anyway, he is adorable, my judge, and he is a real judge who judges actual criminal trials. This last part makes me a bit uneasy, because what if someone he sent Up the River bursts into the room and shoots the judge in the middle of the ceremony, splattering fresh blood all over my pretty, pretty dress? I suppose this is just a risk I will have to take.
As for the ceremony itself, it is still in the early stages. Here is what we have so far:
“Blah blah blah, blah blahblah, blah blah blah”
(Ring exchange? Vows?)
“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife!”
So, as you can see, we still have a few details to iron out. (Sidenote: Is it just me, or does the whole “by the power vested in me” part remind you of He-Man? No? Just me?)
I do know that our walking-down-the-“aisle” music will be Dinah Washington singing “What a Difference a Day Makes,” and I know that people will probably be standing around us in a sort of half-circle, except for the old or infirm, who will sit. I know that I will walk into the room on the arm of my very dapper brother, and that I will definitely have to invest in some waterproof mascara. I know that this weekend the Actually and I will be discussing the ceremony, and I know that I am a bit apprehensive about this. Remember the bear/robot incident?
I’ll bet the Actually will have a field day with wedding vows.
17 Comments
One of the most interesting weddings I’ve attended was presided over by a criminal court judge. It was his favorite thing to do as a judge, so different from what he normally saw every day in his courtroom, so he did his best to make it “extra-special”–in his case, making the vows long, flowery, and nearly incomprehensible (lots about “golden sunshine” and “silvery moonlight,” etc.).
So, um, you might want to make sure the vows are nailed down.
And as for someone who was sent Up the River having the wherewithal to actually piece together where the judge is on the weekend, much less plan and execute a firestorm of bloody recrimination–well, that person probably would never have been even close to the River, so I think you’re safe.
but it would be memorable, and isn’t that really what everyone wants from a wedding (beside the bride and groom, I guess)? Some memorable story to tell in hushed tones for years to come, like the time so-and-so brought a stripper as his date, etc. etc. ?
I hired a judge and it was the best decision we ever made. No unsolicited judgment from priests or clergy members as to why we were living together IN SIN. It was perfect. And now, I catch my judge (My judge! He is mine! I paid for him! At least 1/208th of him!) on the evening news, presiding over some grisly murder case.
Perhaps you could also incorporate some sort of He-Man lore into the vows. Like “By the power of Grayskull I will love you in sickness and in health.” No?
I was married by a judge - nary a drop of blood shed or a criminal to be seen (small wedding, would have been quite obvious). And a trillion years later, we’re still here, even though sometimes - well anyway - can’t wait to hear this Actually conversation! Next Wednesday then?
We wrote our ceremony with the help of our non-denom minister. If you’d like to see it, email me. I’ll be happy to send you a copy. It’s cool.
Don’t forget the “You may now kiss the bride part”–that’s about the only part I actually remember from my wedding ceremony.
oooh. Vows! We had a catholic ceremony, so no creativity there, but I love the traditional Irish ones:
“You cannot possess me for I belong to myself
But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give.
You cannot command me, for I am a free person
But I shall serve you in those ways that you require
And the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night and
the eyes into which I smile in the morning.
I pledge to you the first bite of my meat and the first drink from my cup.
I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care.
I shall be a shield for your back and you for mine.
I shall not slander you, nor you me.
I shall honor you above all others, and when we quarrel we shall do so in
private and tell no strangers our grievances.
This is my wedding vow to you.
This is the marriage of equals.”
I’m doing my marriage ceremony (barely a year ago now) over so I can use the vows above. WOW!
Shit, dude. I loved He-man. In some weird twist of fate, it was on right after Small Wonder.
am I the ONLY one who still wants to know how the no-longer-new job is going and whatever happened to the news that wasn’t about said employment? there was talk of news some months back. i’m sure of it.
Sounding great so far! We went with brevity and whle no one thanked us point balnk, because that woud be rude, tehre was much dancing around the success of the wedding because (Insert any number of reasons that don’t say because the ceremony was short, but still communicate the compliment is anchored in the swift fashion with which the ceremony ended).
I highly recommend that you consider getting your lashes dyed. All the waterproofing in the world would not have kept mascara on my lashes on my wedding day - but a nice heavy dye job was awesome! It also meant that I could wake up every morning of my tropical honeymoon and look freshly made up. I don’t dye my lashes regularly, but every few years for a special occasion, or for a vacation when I don’t want to be dealing with makeup - it’s really great.
Did you know that you can ask any of your friends to simply get ordained at http://www.universallifechurch.org It is free, and takes like 30 seconds. Just make sure that they have their certificate of ordination (hot off the printer tray!)registered at any MN county courthouse. I had mine done in downtown St Paul, because the good people at the Hennepin County Govt center were assholes about it. I paid $4.50, and I was able to officiate at my own brother’s wedding. I can also provide the 12 hours of marital counselling that you must have prior to buying your marriage license if you don’t want to pay a penalty to the state.
Anyone can do this. Fun, easy, and (almost) free.
Cheers,
Reverend Dan, the Nasty Minister
Note that ANY ordained minister can provide the 12 hours of marital counseling.
I find that beer is a great aid to a marital counseling session, as is loud, live music.
I like those vows. Best to keep it short and sweet is what I always say. Or is it blah blah blah blah blah that I always say? Either way, I can identify. =)
We had a friend get deputized by the state of California to perform our marriage. He did not harass us about living in sin, nor was he required to counsel us. (I guess they figure we don’t need any stinking counseling in California.)