I would bite your head off, but I’ve already used all my points for today.
So, last week I started Weight Watchers. I am doing the online program, because the idea of weekly meetings is fiercely unappealing.
The first few days were…volatile. Poor Schnozz had to put up with my frantic instant messages about how I was so hungry my cats were starting to look like “succulent little roasts,” and then, two days in, my Girl Scout Cookies were delivered and I lost my fragile grip on sanity.
I am a grown woman. I have muscled my way through a difficult youth, three miscarriages, and infertility. My ancestors were farmers and pioneers. My grandfather fought in the Battle of the Bulge. And yet I was brought to whimpery, frustrated-baby tears by a cookie. Basically, a Girl Scout broke my spirit, and ground it under her loafer-clad heel. I lay curled on my (soft) couch in my (sheltering) apartment, my stomach full of (nourishing) salmon, holding my unopened box of Samoas and crying quietly, wondering if ever there had been such suffering in the world as mine.
I also became crabby, which is unusual for me. No, really, it is. Not that I am always a ray of sunshine or anything, but I am pathologically polite. I once gave my phone number to a middle-aged hobo who told me he needed a place to stay because I couldn’t bring myself to say “I’m sorry, but I don’t make a habit of letting ITINERENT STRANGERS sleep on my floor, even if it is cold outside.” But that is another story for another time.
Anyway, the point is that the knowledge that I had eaten my last piece of macaroni swathed in cheese unhinged me, and made me deeply resent anyone who looked like they might have had bacon in the last 24 hours. Walking through the cafeteria I passed a man carrying a basket of hot, salty French fries, and I gave him a glare that fogged his glasses right up.
But I am warming to the plan. For one thing, it meant that this evening I had homemade tandoori chicken (4 points) instead of my usual frozen cheesy something (12,341 points). I thought nothing could induce me to cook after a 12-hour day of work and homework, but the prospect of only having one mouthful of my usual foods as a result of my draconian points allowance has been enough to send me scrambling for healthier alternatives that allow me to eat more. I am also exercising sporadically, because, you see, exercise earns you Activity Points, which can then be used to “buy” 1/8 of a Girl Scout cookie (and confidential to any other Weight Watchers folk: How many activity points do we get for sex?). I am also saving the eleventy dollars a day I normally spend on cafeteria food by bringing wholesome lunches from home, which makes me feel thrifty and virtuous and possibly justified in keeping one of the rejected pairs of wedding shoes I was supposed to return. Because a girl can never have too many pairs of kicky patent flats.
And I like the charts. I like the counting and tracking and plans. Most of all, I like feeling in control of my body. Gaining the weight was not within my control—it came on suddenly, like a disease, 50 pounds in just over a year. I have talked about this before, ad nauseum, but it is a subject I keep returning to because possibly the most disorienting experience I have had is passing a plate-glass window and not recognizing—and I don’t mean this metaphorically, I mean really not recognizing, as in who is that rumpled girl, and why is she staring at me—the person reflected there. Watching your body morph quickly in front of you is bizarre, and serves as a rather sobering reminder of all the forces that act upon us without our permission, that can sweep in and change the shape of our lives.
Here is a picture of me a few years ago:
Back then I drank an Ensure every morning to try to gain weight. I had never seen three digits on a scale. I was much too thin, and terribly self-conscious about it.
Here I am now, wearing the same shirt:
If you can stop being horrified by the grimy mirror in the second picture for a moment, think about this. Imagine what it would be like to go from a size 0 to a size 12 in about a year. PCOS effectively staged a coup in my body, altering its form and rendering its reproductive system useless. I didn’t ovulate for almost two years, and when I did, I got pregnant only to quickly miscarry. All of my research and charting and planning seemed, time and again, to be thwarted by nature.
But now, I write down what I eat. I keep track, and I plan. I plan my meals so that they include lean protein and whole grains. I record my points in an online system that charts my progress with alluring graphs. And I have lost two pounds.
I do not want to go back to weighing less than some children. I have no desire to be on the thinnest end of the spectrum. I merely want to take better care of myself, and exert some control over my body. I want to feel healthy and strong. My weight is not completely in my control, due to my insulin, but I can control what I eat and whether I spend my afternoon lifting weights or watching The West Wing.
I would like to have wedding pictures that show me fit and happy, rather than pudgy and defeated. We’ll see how it goes.
25 Comments
I had a similar experience in college, except my weight gain was due to hypothyroidism. It was such a burden - I felt trapped in my body. I ended up moving to another city and while looking for a job, I committed myself to losing weight. I think I lost about 30 pounds, and even though it was a real struggle, the results felt great.
Now I’ve had a baby, and to get back to that low weight I’d have to lose 20 pounds, but I’d settle for 10. So just know you’re not alone - I’m fighting too. Congrats on the salmon… I’m trying my damndest not to go straight for the Thin Mints in the freezer this evening.
In college, I took ephedra regularly and lost about 60lbs in two months. I’m taller than average and my best friend told me that I looked like I had an ‘eating disorder’. I pretty much lived on cantaloupe for months on end. The only time I ate real food was after I got ridiculously high. Then I got seriously depressed and stopped taking the ephedra.
Some four years later, I’m not tiny - not that I ever have been - but I go to the gym regularly and run road races and look and feel considerably better now that I’m not trying to get down to a certain weight.
I don’t eat perfectly. But I eat well, bring my lunch everyday and currently subsist on a lot of peas and veggie burgers and pinot noir. Like I said, not perfect, but I generally feel better.
Weight is a difficult thing and at times it’s hard to find a happy medium. Good luck and congratulations thus far. And try to stay away from the thin mints. It’s a slippery, slippery slope.
(Ok, that’s a lie. They’re delicious. It only happens once a year. Have one)
Me too. I just started Weight Watchers, and, like Emily, my weight gain started as a result of hypothyroidism, but it’s stuck around because I’m lazy and overeat.
You’re not alone, dude. The one thing that’s helped me is…chicken broth. Gross, I know, but seriously, every night, I sit here and crave potato chips! Cheez-Its! DORITOS! And so I make myself a steaming cup of stupid chicken bouillon with curry powder thrown in. And well, it helps. And it’s like 15 calories and .5 points or something. But…well, it’s better than nothing.
It’s got to be a bizarre experience to have your body change so rapidly while dealing with all of the other effects of PCOS at the same time. I’m sure that the fact that it happened rapidly sometimes makes it harder to see this, but my gosh Alexa, you’re stunning! More so now than when you were too thin.
You are going to be working that wedding dress, girl!
Don’t discount the incredible amount of stress you’ve been under. It can also wreak havoc on your body, as you and I both know.
It’s a vicious cycle when your body is letting you down and you’re taking medication that also causes weight gain AND you’re dealing with some of the most emotional and stressful things a person can go through.
I think it’s awesome that you’re taking control of what you can and I know you’ll succeed.
well WW worked for me. i’m now down about 8 pounds, which puts me right smack in the middle of the BMI chart and at the low end of my lowest adult weight, a weight I think i can maintain. hope it works as well and as quickly for you.
(i was never skinny! dammit! at least you had your skinny years!)
But guess what? They’re not even called Samoas anymore! I bought a box of Thin Mints at the weekend (I KNOW! You couldn’t possibly be any angrier with me than I am with myself) and noticed, while glancing at the rest of the loot on the table, that the former Samoas were now called Caramel Coconut De-Lites or something like that. I mean, REALLY. Still, if it’ll stop me buying them…..
(PS: I inhaled three quarters of the box of Thin Mints last night, after a very healthy day of fruit and bulgar wheat and leeks. You are doing very, very, very well to stick with your salmon and not cave.)
My dearest Innard Twin may not find this surprising, but I went from a 2 to a 12, but it took me about a year and a half. When I was cleaning out my closet before moving to England I came across my tiny me wardrobe and fuck, was that depressing. Even more upsetting was the fact that when I showed The Dude, he couldn’t believe that I ever wore such little items of clothing. He’s only known me as :::ahem::: “bigger”, and that really bothers me. I still feel as if that old self is me more than the larger self I’ve been for nearly 10 years now.
As for Weight Watchers, if I could be asked to join I think I’d like it. The obsessive creation of charts and anal fixation with points? Just my thing!
Oh, and by the way…that it some beauteous rack you’ve got there! I’m actually hoping that if I lose weight the boobs are the first to go. They’re so cumbersome. They don’t look as lovely as yours though.
Dear Alexa, I wish you great success with your Weight Watchers plan. Congratulations on your loss so far! Gaining so much so quickly must have been utterly disconcerting. I went through something similar in college, but managed it without the help of PCOS… of course I never was in any way, shape or form thin before that, nor was I ever as beautifully proportioned as you. But that feeling when you pass a mirror and say “Who is THAT?” is awful.
Holly: Whether they are Samoas or Carmel DeLites is a regional thing. They’re called both, just like shortbreads are either Trefoils or Shortbreads, depending on who bakes them, and where. I grew up with Carmel DeLites, and was HORRIFIED when I moved to Boston and they were suddenly called Samoas. SAMOAS. That sounds so…I don’t know, but it sounds far too exotic for a coconut cookie.
First and foremost, a big WOOT for you going on WW. I have done it a few times since turning 30, and I was down 35 pounds for my wedding (pics on my website… or the link, anyway). I was by NO MEANS a rail… I was a size 12 at my wedding (wearing a sizze 16W dress, damn them)… but I was happy. I’m not thin, I don’t know if I ever will be… but my husband adores me, belly and all, so I don’t worry too much about it. Remember… being thin isn’t equal to being happy. Your wedding day will be fabulous… because you will be marrying The Actually. Good luck!
The eating healthy and ignoring the sweets tends to be cumulative. For me, if I can do it one day, it’s easier to do the next day. I’m hearing you on the whole grains and lean protein — that’s the same thing I had recommended to me to go with the met. I’m hoping this gets easier for you!
Girl Scout cookies are all the evil in the world, drizzled with chocolate and sprinkled with coconut. Believe me, I sold those bastards for 12 years.
Whatever you do, Alexa — don’t lose that luscious rack. I just want to nuzzle my head in it.
Your boobs look great, if that’s any consolation.
Wow. I had a similar sense of disorientation/out of control-ness when pregnant — and a similar hunger. Until then, I’d never really known what hunger was. The hunger and weight went away after, but if that hunger ever comes back, I sure don’t look forward to fighting it. I hope your hunger goes away soon.
I was honored to be the one chosen to desperately distract you from food. I failed miserably, of course. I blame myself. The appropriate response to “I would kill for some bacon right now” was probably not “Mmm bacon.” I’ll try harder next time. :)
Wow -
I am so impressed with your ability to live out loud even if anon you are an inspiration. Check your thyroid levels. Nothing sucks more than a body that can just set its own thermostat lower seemingly just to f*ck with the best laid plans of women and weddings.
Ditto on the cleavage hope you get to keep it.
I went from a size 4 to a size 10 in about a year, thanks to PCOS. It was brutal. But you got that kick-ass rack, while mine pretty much stayed flat - I feel gipped. I lost weight because the Met made me too sick to eat, but I’m starting to gain it back now that I have an appetite again. As someone who recently inhaled a box of tagalongs, I applaud your willpower.
Why is it that Girl Scout cookies always arrive at the beginning of a diet? That has happened to me several times.
The beginning of a diet always makes me grouchy - you are not alone. Good luck.
I had to do a quick crash diet 3 weeks before my wedding because I didn’t fit in my wedding dress. Keep it up.
Wow. I had no idea PCOS could cause the pounds to come out of nowhere like that. It sounds terribly disorienting. I have recently begun a diet to lose a bit (10-15 lbs, which doesn’t sound like much except I am fairly short and it really shows). I am currently about 30 pounds about my weight at 18, so I guess I had my skinny days, though I am not planning to try and get back there.
I remember knowing those cookies as Samoas except I thought they were “Samoans,” and then when I moved to LA and they were called Coconut Delites I thought it was some kind of PC bow to Samoan people. You know, the big Samoan girl scout cookie lobby.
Good luck –
Go Alexa! Good luck!
I like the 2nd picture better=) You look great, and good for you for doing WW! It works! I am a “member” for life!
I did the WW online a few years ago. I can tell you for certan that the first two weeks is the hardest - but it gets waaaay easier. Because you start out looking at how many points all your “normal” food is, and it’s really daunting and you feel like you don’t get to eat anything you like. But once you get the hang of it, and really learn what foods are low in points - you will find that you get plenty to eat. And I actually started to enjoy the challenge of figuring out the kinds of creative meals I could build for very few points. I made myself a few cheat sheets - wrote down the points of some common things on a sheet of paper to keep in my purse.
I also agree with some of the commenters that I think the second pic looks better. The first pic is soooo skinny. But somewhere in between would probably be a comfortable place for you. So I wish you the best of luck in getting to the place you are happy with.
Wow - I found it shocking to go from a size 10/12 to a tight 16 in two years, but 0 to 12? I can imagine your body is in shock!!! No matter how great we all think you look now, (and you do - I’m envious) it’s important how you feel, so I hope WW works for you. It worked for me (I lost 30 pounds), and I also liked it because of the counting and control of it all.
There are lots of great WW blogs out there, and they have tons of low-point suggestions for snacks and stuff. I remember I used to eat whole meals of frozen vegetables (like giant platefuls) so I could save up points to have french fries, or whatever the craving of the moment was.
Good luck, and keep us updated!
“And yet I was brought to whimpery, frustrated-baby tears by a cookie. Basically, a Girl Scout broke my spirit, and ground it under her loafer-clad heel. I lay curled on my (soft) couch in my (sheltering) apartment, my stomach full of (nourishing) salmon, holding my unopened box of Samoas and crying quietly, wondering if ever there had been such suffering in the world as mine.”
Oh my dear, dear, Alexa, I’m crying with you.