Weddinggate.
I am currently embroiled in a brouhaha over a misaddressed invitation.
When addressing envelopes, I decided not to preface names with Mr., Ms., or similar. Ironically, this is because I wanted to avoid offending anyone—some people like to be called “Mrs.,” while others prefer “Mademoiselle” or “Her Royal Highness.” To some, “Ms.” symbolizes a hard-won freedom from the tyranny of social titles, while to others, it means only “manuscript.” In an attempt to avoid these issues altogether, and yet keep the invitations fancy-like, I decided to use full names without prefixes.
(This story is already enormously boring, but I can’t seem to stop myself. Forge ahead, if you can stand it.)
The Actually has an aunt–for the purposes of this story, we’ll call her Shelly. Shelly is only ever referred to as Shelly, but on the invitation, she became Rochelle (her full name). I actually quite like Aunt Shelly, though I only met her for the first time two weeks ago, at the shower.
A few days after the invitations were mailed, the Actually received a phone call from his mother, who had received a phone call from her sister, who had received a phone call from her other sister. Apparently, I had addressed the invitation to Michelle instead of Rochelle, and Shelly was furious. Furious, and demanding an apology from the Actually (for bringing such a careless girl into the family? For failing to proofread my work? Your guess is as good as mine).
This has developed into quite the scandal, and no, I’m not kidding, I wish to god I were. Admittedly, a mistake was made. Some combination of exhaustion and wine (two parts exhaustion to one part wine, if you must know) caused me to misaddress the envelope, and I am suitably embarrassed. I actually cried when the Actually told me, though I also cried last week over a particularly delicious piece of Easter candy, so make of that what you will. In my defense, I was addressing invitations in the midst of finals week while working a full-time job, but still—my bad.
However…isn’t there something more pressing we could all be giving our attention to, like Iraq or tax season or what I’m supposed to wear now that I’ve lost seven pounds and nothing fits correctly? Also, wouldn’t the very rules of etiquette to which Shelly is apparently so devoted demand that she handle my faux-pas graciously, rather than reacting as if I had spit in her face and then backed over her with my car? The wedding is six weeks from yesterday, and instead of taking the soothing hot bath I so desperately need, I am spending my time navigating the choppy diplomatic waters and trying to calm the Actually, who is refusing to supply the requested apology, which has caused a tearful phone call from my NMIL and further Hrrumphing on the part of the wronged aunt.
All over two letters on an envelope, my friends.
It’s like a really, really boring Jane Austen novel over here. Someone send help.
23 Comments
People are crazy, dear. And add a dose of wedding planning to the mix and suddenly normal people turn into deranged lunatics (the kind that can’t be helped by the science of medicine.) Roll with the punches, have some more of that wine, send ROchelle a nice little note on nice stationery and call it a day. Throw in a nice piece of dark chocolate and you’ll be back track.
Although I must say, it is better to disappoint the relatives early on. It’s like George W. Bush…if you come across as stupid from the get-go, they have low expectations. This will then allow you come across as brilliant, polite and lovely when you send out the thank you cards in a timely manner.
I always say “Aim low.” You’ll either impress them next time or hit them really hard in the crotch. Either way works for me.
Good motto, Cricket! I’m going to remember that one…
And seven pounds already - congrats! You can’t care too much about silly neuroses when all your pants are too big :)
You just can’t win with some people, can you? She should be lucky she got an invitation at all. Not like your wedding bouncers are going to turn her away at the door for having a faulty invitation.
Maybe send her a note and say it was your bad, that you got the NAME right, but mailed it to her address by mistake. You didn’t really mean to invite her.
If it makes you feel better, I misspelt MY FATHER’S name on the official wedding certificate. And he noticed at the ceremony as it was being signed, and burst into tears. I thought they were tears of joy until he took me aside later and asked me why I was so unimportant to him that I hadn’t bothered to check the spelling of his name on an official document… :(
Really? She was that upset over that? That’s rediculous. Wedding politics are such a pain. I agree with Joan of Arf. Just send her an apologetic note and hope that it settles it. Sorry about the drama. Hang in there.
Been there, done that to the new in-laws when I got married. I still to this day(7 years later) don’t exactly know how I spelled the name in question and I don’t think I’ve ever met the person I offended by getting their name wrong(no, they didn’t attend the wedding. All I remember is hearing from my husband that I spelled Aunt so-and-so’s name wrong.
Just send her a note with the correct name saying sorry and it should be good.
Some people are odd, though apparently your name is the most important thing to you.
Once, when I was about 6 I wrote a birthday card to my sister (~14) and spelled her name with 1 L and not 2, she couldn’t speak to me she was so upset and made my mother explain my faux pas. When. I. Was. Six. Apparently adults don’t get any better at this.
My in-laws STILL don’t spell/say my name correctly. And only one of them has figured out that I kept my last name. I have been with my guy for 12 years, married for nearly 5. I do not get bent out of shape about this (I think it’s funny) because it’s the downside of having an unusual-ish name that is similar to a more normal-ish name. Seems to me Shelly needs to take a Valium. I would be very tempted to send one of those “Sorry you were offended (hypersensitive, much?)” non-apologies in your place, but I think Cricket’s suggestion is probably the more sane option. So sorry about the wedding madness. Just remember it will all soon be over, and you will have lots of shiny presents and a shiny new husband, which will hopefully make up for it all.
I put the totally wrong name on a friend of my dad’s (last name) and she simply wrote it correctly (very clearly) on the RSVP card when she sent it back. no biggie. Amazing. Tell the Actually that he only has to fake the apology. If he’s doing it over the phone he can roll his eyes the entire time.
Yah 7 pounds. Thats great, all problems seem lighter when you shed lbs. It’s hard not to let family politics, created by unnecessary parties, suck the fun and excitement right out you.
Do NOT send an apology note! This woman is working through back channels, unwilling to contact you directly to let you know what happened. Don’t play into the passivity! Call her on the phone, tell her you understand she’s upset, and force the issue: make her be a grown-up and tell you what’s on her mind. Apologize to her, ask if you can expect to see her at the wedding, and tell her you’re looking forward to the big day. Your call will require her to put up or shut up. Families! Ugh.
All I want to say is, good job on the seven pounds. Isn’t it better when your clothes are too big rather than too small?
People are always misspelling my name, even after they’ve spelled it correctly for years, and I just get amused by it. For someone who doesn’t actually even USE her own real name, RoShelly is getting a little overexcited.
Sometimes I wonder if people lie in wait for these things for years, hoping they will get to be the offended party at the next big family blowout, just so they can repeat the story ad infinitum. I’d never even tell someone they’d done that with my name, knowing how mortified they’d be, much less light up the family party line about it.
I bet if you brought it up with her, though, she’d never admit to having been nearly that offended. So, might be worth just a cursory, “Gawd, I can’t BELIEVE I did that, hehe!”
My two cents: Call AUNT SHELLY yourself and apologize… but then say ‘I wish you would have called me/us directly and let us know about the mistake… because that is what it was… a mistake, an oversight, that was made during a very stressful time. I hope you can forgive me my trespass and join us on our wedding day, because it wouldn’t be the same without you’. Let her chew on that. What nonsense.
Is this the kind of thing that’s going to turn into “you wound up marrying “her”?” from sassy aunt Rochelley?
Oh brother. Can you offer to withdraw the invitation entirely?
Holy moses, families can be annoying, particularly the Great Aunt Panties-in-a-Bunch ilk. My mom, who had nothing to do with the cards whatsoever, nevertheless received a huffy call from my rather grand Great Aunt Connie because I had inadvertantly put “Mrs.” instead of “Miss” on her invitation.
Dakin’s been on the receiving end of so many misspelled invitations, he just throws up his hands at this point. David, Daniel, Deakon, Daiken, Dacon etc. Shelly — er, Rochelle — should be so lucky. At least you invited her. Good luck and congrats on the 7 lbs!
Of all things to pick at. Sheesh. Send her a card, falling on a sword over your “incredible” mistake, then seal it up in an evelope and send it away. But don’t forget to put a little fragrance on the stationery — fart on it first.
In my family, we have a saying: “If that’s the way you’re going to be then to hell with ya.”
Jeez, talk about overreacting. I guess for the sake of family peace you can either call her or send her a little card as MsLieder above suggests (LOL about the fragrance).
One time I got a Christmas card from a work acquaintance who must have been stressed out from all the cards she was writing; she wrote my name and the name of my husband on the inside of the card - but the name was not my husband’s name, it was another name. Both my husband’s name and the other name are very common so I can understand the mental misfire that caused it. But it was amusing to me because the wrong name happened to be the same name as my ex-boyfriend from the past! Hopefully my husband never noticed. I think it was just a coincidence…unless I was yakking about Ex-Boyfriend at work…
i NEVER understood the name thing. people have spelled my name wrong since i was four, even, most of the time, if i write it down first, or if i spell it out for them. and i dont even consider it an unnusual name, compared to some of the names out there.
i admire your patience and tolerance over the whole thing. i’m int he middle of planning my own wedding (november) and i can say with certainty that if anything like this happened to me - well, i’m with Mslieder - if thats the way youre gunna be, to hell with ya.
congrats on losing the seven pounds! i think i might have found it. let me know if you want it back.
It was a Creme Egg, wasn’t it. Oh, PLEASE tell me it was a Creme Egg. I love Creme Eggs.
Ugh. Wait til you have to put together the reception seating chart. This is the downside of a formal wedding, but don’t let it get to you. Aunt Shelly needs to get a grip and if she’s really that upset, maybe she’ll do you a favor and not come to the wedding.
Seven pounds? Dude that’s awesome!
It sounds as if Aunt Shelly is trying to hijack your wedding and make it about her. I mean really, who picks on a bride?
If she can’t forget herself long enough to be happy for her nephew and his intended wife, she has no business attending the wedding.