Stim Day Five.
I first noticed it yesterday—sharp pinches coming from my ovaries. After the call with my low E2 number, I decided it must be my imagination. Today, though, there is no doubt: I am bloated, and my ovaries ache. In bed this morning I could feel them resting in my abdomen, particularly on my right side, where the Good Ovary is. God only knows what Lefty is up to.
The spotting has stopped entirely, which is a relief, but still I am uneasy: I am fairly certain there are follicles in there, as that is the only explanation for the (uncomfortable, actually) fullness I am feeling. But what does that mean? Why is my E2 so low? How does one normally feel on day five of stims? I am ricocheting back and forth between fears of under- and over-stimulation. I doubled my Bravelle today, as instructed, and I suppose there is nothing to do now but go out for a delicious Szechuan dinner with my brother and wait.
Tomorrow will be busy. I have an ultrasound and bloodwork in the morning, and an appointment with a hematologist in the afternoon. Scott is coming with me to my morning appointment, in case things go badly and I am too busy shouting expletives to drive myself home. He was very upset by yesterday’s news, and I think that has been one of the hardest parts of this cycle so far. There was a time when I would have sold my left ovary (not a terribly enticing offer, I know) for him to be as invested in our attempts to get pregnant as I. Well, I got my wish: the pregnancies of his friends make him sad now, and he can’t bear to pass through the baby section at Target. When I told him about my E2 level yesterday, he peppered me with questions, panic in his voice,
“Does that mean you’re not producing eggs? Does that mean this isn’t going to work?” And all I could say was I don’t know. I don’t know.
I know you’re not supposed to feel guilty, that couples are infertile together, regardless of whether they are dealing with male or female factor. But I do feel guilty, terribly so. Scott’s sperm are obnoxiously healthy, and if he had married The Other Alexa (he dated another—obviously inferior—girl named Alexa not long before we met) he would probably have a passel of strange, Habermas-reading kids by now. I am the reason we are spending all of this money, the reason that when we do get pregnant it doesn’t last, the reason that this IVF cycle is off to such a perplexing start. It is my body, my ovaries, my hormones that have failed to produce a child.
Of course I like having the company (misery loves it, you know), but I hate to see him down here in the trenches with me.
18 Comments
Good Luck at your appointment tomorrow – sending good right and lefty follie vibes
Had to de-lurk to say I totally understand your feelings of guilt. We’re dealing with secondary infertility (after a lovely round of primary infertility) and apparently at 34, my eggs are over the hill. We’ve had no luck with any treatment, and every month as I pay on our bills, I am racked with guilt that it is my fault we’re so in debt. I have to remind myself that we are in this together-in health or sickness, good eggs or bad. Hope your appointment goes well.
Wow. we are like ovarian opposites! My Lefty is like Ol’ Faithful, while Righty barely even deigns to show up on the ultrasound.
Sending good follicular mojo to you for your upcoming cycle~
I know exactly, exactly how you feel – from Scott’s original disinterest changing to quiet hurt; to the guilt (D’s are obnoxiously healthy as well). I hope you get good news tomorrow.
I am rooting for lefty, by the way. It’s always the quiet ones that surprise you.
Best of luck to you both. It IS shared, screw the other Alexa and her non-existent Habermas-reading kids. My husband and I have balked at the testing phase, and I’m not sure why. Either it’s me, him, or us, and it seems silly not to find out what’s what and what to do about it. Getting older by the minute here.
My hubby and I are in a situation where I’ve been the one with many medical problems, and tho it’s not infertility, I can understand your guilt. It’s hard not to wallow in it sometimes.
Thinking good thoughts for you both tomorrow.
Anne Glamore
Shit – thinking of you. I really, really hope the scan brings good news.
Scott made his decision knowing all the facts. He loves you. It’s no small thing. Kick thoughts of that other Alexa to the curb because in his mind, the thought of you forever with possibly no kids was infinitely preferable to her forever, with kids. You mean more to him than anything. Take that, Other Alexa! Besides, she’s a slimy bitch. I don’t even have to meet her to know. ;-)
Good, good luck tomorrow.
xo
Still hoping for some light at the end of the tunnel! Good luck. HUGS X
We’re lucky in that we’re BOTH to blame for needing IVF. Nothing like spreading the guilt around :)
I hope that your ovaries are neither under, nor over, but doing jeeeeuuuuussstttt the right amount of egg action right now.
Wishing good positives thoughts for your scan today. Good luck and I hope the follies have been in overdrive.
Ah, but see… you’re also the reason that he’s so excited to have babies in the first place because you’re the reason your expletive shouting, Habermas reading kids are going to be so utterly fabulous.
I definitely think you should take those twingy heavy achey bloaty feelings as a good sign. I know it’s dangerous to say such things, but I really think there’s good reason to expect better news tomorrow.
I had a long, cathartic cry in my car on my way to work this morning, over another endless cycle trying to conceive ending in the unsurprising failure, over our delicious toddler-boy who we conceived without trying after ten weeks of marriage, over the fact that nothing’s wrong and after almost a year of trying, we should be pregnant by now, but mostly over the fact that I’m married to the best dad alive and he deserves another kid to love. I getcha on the guilt. But congrats on the twangy ovaries. That can only be a good sign, right?
De-lurking to give you a quick hug. I know you have had all the best advice; has anyone mentioned acupuncture? We have chosen not to go the ART route (too old to mess with the drugs and the little time we have left to give my erratic ovaries their best shot)–I am having regular cycles and ovulating for the first time in, well, too long. It has taken patience though, it was three months before things evened out, and now we’re just a bit over a year into it. We’ll all get there! Rooting for you.
Here’s hoping things went well today. I know it’s hard not to feel guilt or anxiety or hell any of the negatives that go along with infertility, especially after you’ve been dealing with it for so long. But I really, really hate to see you blaming yourself for something you have no control over (which is the problem to begin with, isn’t it?).
Sending positive thoughts and energy for this cycle.
Yep – you can feel the twinges around that time. Try not to worry (ha ha I know) too much about the e2 – a lot of clinics don’t even check you until day 6 or 7. I’d say look at my e2! But you sure as hell don’t want to be me. Also, don’t most protocols drop the lupron to 5 with stims?
As the “culprit” in our relationship, I can relate to the guilt that you are feeling, but seriously, Habermas? You’ve done Scott and his progeny a great favor by agreeing to have his children.
Hope this morning went well!!
And I know no one can tell you not to feel guilty, but I’m pretty sure your husband would not want babies with that other Alexa….I mean, she’s sooooo inferior to you!