Sep
05

8dp3dt.

Excuse the lack of a clever reveal, but all cleverness has left me at the moment:
The test this morning was positive.
Faintly, faintly positive, so faint I wondered whether it was wishful seeing of some kind, but I have never been able to imagine a second line onto a pregnancy test before (and not for lack of trying, I assure you) and it seems unlikely I would develop such a talent now.

Yesterday’s test was baldly negative, and I spent the better part of the day tearfully researching jobs that might offer me better infertility coverage and applying for IVF financing (denied!) and noticing that my breasts weren’t sore anymore and that I didn’t feel pregnant at all. WOE, SOB, etc.
Last night I took yet another test, and could have sworn I saw something. A shadow of a line, maybe. Scott could not see this “line,” and I think began to worry for my mental health when I bounded out of the bathroom carrying a urine-drenched pregnancy test and insisting upon the existence of a line-ish formation that was not visible to him at all. He became suddenly solicitous and ran out to buy me macaroni and cheese, no-doubt hoping the cheesy embrace of a noodle would return me to my senses, as it has so many times before. I checked on the test every few minutes throughout the evening, and I would say that 7 times out of 10 I saw something there. Maybe.

This morning, though, I can see it clearly. Well, not clearly, but without tilting it at a precise 39 degree angle under an interrogation-grade bulb. I am trying not to worry about whether tomorrow’s test will be darker, or the beta results, or how I am going to wait for an ultrasound, or the fact that this is my fourth pr…gestation and I am suspiciously lacking the five-year-old, two-year-old, and live-38-week-old-fetus that should be the fruit of the first three pregn…gestations.
I am trying not to worry about those things, because today the test was positive, and I am happy, happier than a scallop wrapped in bacon, and (for now) I am, well, you know. It starts with a “P.”

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |