I will write a meatier update tomorrow, but am posting briefly so as not to be held responsible for any heatstroke deaths as a result of the white hot flame of anticipation that is surely lapping at your heels even now as you pace your living room, wondering about my ultrasound. I am always thinking of others, you see, and their no-doubt insatiable curiosity about the inner workings of a Target-shopping, progesterone-oozing editor who may or may not be writing this while reclining on a couch and balancing a small bowl of Cherry Garcia between her breasts (we call that “multitasking.”)
Anyway, the ultrasound went well. Sort of. It is hard to tell. Good news first: there were two heartbeats. This is more than good news—it is stupendous news, better than any news I have had, ever, better than macaroni and cheese or the comma (two of my favorite things), better than Hugh Laurie appearing on my doorstep nude and bearing a first edition copy of Leave it to Psmith.
But the sacs are measuring small.
They look bigger than last time, and more…sac-y, and they contain fetal poles with beating hearts that resemble oysters opening and closing their mouths (if oysters have mouths). And the heart rates were fine: 124 for A and 122 for B.
However. Last week, when I should have been five weeks, five days, both measured five weeks, three days. Today, when I should have been six weeks, five days—or, with a week of growth, at least six weeks three days—B’s sac measured only five weeks six days and A’s was one day ahead at six weeks even. The nurse practitioner was less perky than last time, and I will be returning Wednesday for another ultrasound. My beloved OB, on the other hand, was not at all concerned, told me the machine has a one-week margin of error, and dropped my miscarriage risk down to 25% per Science Baby. Then he gave me a vigorous pap smear and starting talking about “delivery” and how he’d like to take me off work at “24 weeks” as if these were actual things in my future, which made my head spin. This evening, presumably he will mount his pig and fly home to an icy hell.
I am fretting, a little. I am doing it quietly, because Scott is firmly in the “nothing to worry about” camp and gets angry if I voice any misgivings, but I wish the sacs had been larger. Everything looks just right for six weeks, but as I am supposed to be five days further along than that, it is hard not to worry about being not just behind, but further behind than I was last week.
Am I being silly? Or alternatively, am I doomed? Heartbeats are good! Three cheers for heartbeats! Or two cheers, to be more accurate! And yet, the worry whispers at me, refusing to be muffled by ice cream.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Try to relax Alexa. The odds are overwhelmingly in your favor for not having a miscarriage! You may not be able to control the outcome (speaking from one control freak to, well, ya know….), but you can control your worrying. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
I do not think that your worries are silly in the least. I would never dismiss concerns about scans, but I am understandably biased.
When I was pregnant I kept getting told not to worry about piffling matters like measurements on scans, and, well, it didn’t end too happily.
Anyroad, I really hope that all turns out well for you and your passengers :)
xx
J
Wishing happy thoughts to overpower the whispering worry
It drives me crazy to think about the worry you go through every second of every day. I wish I could temporarily forget about this blog until about 34 weeks from now when you have successfully delivered twins. But I can’t as long as you can’t.
I think Scott doesn’t like it when you voice HIS misgivings.
In your honor, I am going to go eat some ice cream. It’s a sacrifice, but I’m willing to take one for the team to, you know, show solidarity or something.
Heartbeats are magical, and there really, really is a huge range of what can be seen this early in the game. If you ever doubted it, go check out Larisa at The Waiting Womb… she had scary scan after scary scan after scary scan and yet is perfectly pregnant despite it all.
I know it’s hard to have faith — I’m currently in the grip of a wave of terror so bad that it’s literally taking my breath away — but you just need to have faith. In my case, whatever will happen will happen. I have no idea if we’ll see a heartbeat next week, but the eternal pessimist in me says “no way.” Do I “deserve” it? Hell yes. But will that make it so? Nope. However, I’m trying (desperately, oh so desperately trying) to just have faith and trust that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I’ve done more than everything I could possibly do to make this a viable pregnancy and if it’s going to be, it’s going to be. If it’s not, you’ll find me teetering on the edge of roof on a very, very tall building.
I will be thinking about you and wishing wonderful things for Wednesday’s scan.
I’m a lurker and understand how you fret because I’m a worrier too but I just wanted to let you know I am heartily rooting for all four of you!!!
Heartbeats!!! 2 of them!!!
Just keep that firmly in your mind.
I had scan after scan to measure my daughter (she’s now 13mths). She measured small at every single one of her scans, as did my uterus.
At 7weeks she measured 5w5d. The margin of error is just huge. I was told to expect a 5lb baby if I was lucky and she was 7lb6oz.
Good luck with the worrying, I just wanted you to know that you can measure small and still have perfectly healthy babies.
Yay for heartbeats!
I would be a little worried too about the sizing. But as Jenn said, nothing you can do anything about. Just wait on pins and needles for the next scan.
I’m on pins and needles too, hoping, hoping, hoping that everything is going to be just hunky-dory fine.
This is good news. That’s it – it’s really good news. I believe that you have nothing to worry about, there really is a large margin of error this early.
No one can tell you not to worry. You’ve been through too much not to. Just try to keep it to a minimum because it’s not good for you or the babies.
And last week there was only one cunning fetal pole. This week there are two. So there is progress. And two beautiful heartbeats.
It’s great. Try to enjoy it.
Do try not to worry– heartbeats, and with good heart rates, is the main, huge thing. I know you’re going to find something to worry about no matter what at this point, but the sizing should not stress you much. There truly is a big range of acceptable at this point– both in terms of the capability of the machine and the size of the sacs and embryos. They grow at uneven rates and being so small, a few millimeters here or there changes things a lot.
I was similarly worried with my last child, and he was 9 lbs. at birth. I think you’re all doing great!
Hi Alexa,
I am thinking of you and the science babies and wishing you well.
Seeing two heartbeats is fabulous!!!!!! I am looking forward to another update.
M.
think heartbeats. boom diddy boom diddy boom…
Stupid machines and their stupid margin of error! I’m so sorry that they’re causing you stress. Crossing everything that all is perfectly okay and it’s just a measurement issue!
I dunno alexa. obviously it’s not what we all want for you. I will say that pob measured way behind at 6 weeks, although her heartbeat was there. She’d caught up at 7 weeks. I freaked out the whole time, as you know. I will say that the heartbeat is the best diagnostic you can get right now, so I understand your OB’s enthusiasm.
Hoping very hard for a spot on size measurement next scan.
It’s hard not to worry – I’m sure you’ll be doing that the entire time unfortunately – each step brings its own worries.
That said – A. was behind the entire pregnancy and now she’s a strapping lass who is ahead in most developmental milestones (knock wood*).
*see??
NBHHY. You saw heartbeats and that’s a better-than-good thing. Hang in there, I am hoping and praying for you and Scott and Science Babies.
I re-read this post this a.m. What stood out to me during this read is that your wonderful OB wasn’t alarmed and started making long-term plans. I think that is great news.
My little sweet pea always measured small and she came out 7lbs 10.5 oz.
I like Flicka’s NBHHY.
Congradulations on the heartbeats! Personally, I no longer set stock in ultrasound measurements. When I was pregnant with my son, I once went to the doc because of cramping and spotting, convinced I was having another miscarriage. The doc did an US and said that the Bean was doing fine but was TWO WEEKS too small for his gestational age, measuring 7 wks instead of 9. Doc thought I had gotten my dates wrong, but I was pretty sure of them and left the office still very worried. 4 wks later, the Bean had mysteriously caught up and measured 13 weeks. Later on, I was told that the Bean had turned into a giant baby and probably weighed well over 9 lbs, prompting my husband to talk about an elective c-section. I ended up vaginally delivering a 8 lb 1 oz, 21 inch long boy who was perfectly healthy.
I’d listen to Veronica & Melissa (maybe more, but I didn’t read all the comments)!
Of course you’re going to worry. You’re not human if you don’t! But remember those machines most definitely are not perfect!
Two heartbeats…Wow! That’s wonderful! I’m cheering for you!
While I can say I understand a little what you are going through having been there myself, I also can say that that there is nothing anyone can say at this point to make you not worry. I know you must feel as if you are losing your mind, and rightly so. Unfortunatly it may be an everyday uphill battle from day one through the end of day 280. Take as much comfort in the fact as you can that machines are not accurate, especially in the OB office itself, and you have two wonderful healthy heartbeats! Two little heartbeats that are strong and aching as much for a mommy as you are for a baby.
Sitting on the edge of my seat, prayig for you, and waiting for the next post…
I say go with the heartbeats. They are going strong and like every one else, the margin of error on those machines is too much at times.
I still worry even when people tell me not to worry, but I’ll say it anyway, try not to worry, you had two heartbeats!!
I have to say — through all of this — your writing is achingly funny and beautiful.
From one fretter to another I hope your mind is at ease soon — I’d suggest ‘coffee coffee buzz buzz’ which was my favorite Ben & Gerrys, but now, sadly, coffee in all its form is verboten. Chubby Hubby?
I can’t keep you from worrying, but I will say that in my case the measurements were WAY off, in a good way.
Science isn’t perfect.
Thinking positive thoughts!
UGH, this is the worst stage of pregnancy. Nothing to do but get through it. Hang in there, my friend. When’s the next ultrasound?
Heartbeats trumps dating on u/s. I know it doesn’t matter if I tell you not to worry, so I will tell you to finish that pint of ice cream.
Thinking of you and sending the most positive thoughts.
I agree with Shelli—heartbeats trump dating, especially with two of them in there. The fact that your OB is not concerned is also a great sign. My SIL’s baby consistently measured anywhere from 3 to 4 weeks behind, and she delivered a perfectly healthly girl who was almost 2 pounds heavier than the doctors told her to expect. The technology just isn’t perfect!
Carla
I would worry too Alexa, but I worry about everything. I think that the fact that you have 2 beating hearts and an unconcerned OB is a great sign. Hang in there.
Aren’t twins notorius for being small for their “Age” in general? Maybe that is it. I knew a girl in school who was a twin and she was this tiny little thing, vs her brother and father who were average to very tall (her mother was average sized as well) – they chalked up her size (even to adulthood) to the twin thing – not having as much room to grow or something. The scans are all about averages, so you never know.
Aren’t twins notorius for being small for their “Age” in general? Maybe that is it. I knew a girl in school who was a twin and she was this tiny little thing, vs her brother and father who were average to very tall (her mother was average sized as well) – they chalked up her size (even to adulthood) to the twin thing – not having as much room to grow or something. The scans are all about averages, so you never know.
NBHHY. And better yet, SIX cheers for heartbeats.
And that one-week margin of error REALLY DOES MEAN SOMETHING. They don’t just make that shit up.
Hooray for heartbeats! And I’ll just reiterate my last comment, which was that the margin of error on those US machines can really fuck with your head–again, as evidenced by my first OB scan which seemed to indicate BG had actually shrunk since my last RE scan. Hope the next US lays your fears to rest–at least THIS set of fears (I know you’ll find something else to worry about!).
You have crossed a major milestone with these TWO heartbeats! That is HUGE, simply huge may I remind you. Huge!
For all of the machinery and technology and medical degrees, there is nothing definitive in the medical world. And, no one is ever really typical according to the textbooks. Sometimes they tell women they will have a 10 lb. baby and then the child ends up delivering at 7.2. Believe in yourself. Believe in these little ones. And it will get you there.
Two heart beats! Wooohoo!
Take a mini tape recorder and record those babies!
That is great news about the heartbeats! I wouldn’t worry too much about size, especially if your beloved OB is feeling calm about it. I’ll be thinking of you on Wednesday!
I think it is natural to be concerned. They’re yours and you want the best for them. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for your Wednesday appointment. Good luck! I’ll be thinking about you!
for what it’s worth (becuase i know that nothing can really calm your worries right now), they aren’t fooling around with that one week margin of error. i had an ultrasound tech tell me that i was measuring 5 days ahead of where i thought i was and i got all excited but my doctor pulled the reins in on that and i had to readjust myself back 5 days. i see someone already suggested that you go and visit Larissa @ the waiting womb. if you haven’t already, you should. she really did have a rough go of it at every early scan and is now really quite pregnant.
hang on to those heartbeats. i think that is the most important part right now.
Wow. That’s a lot of love in your comment box.
I measured small for the last half of my pregnancy (#3). The dr.’s and technicians had my head spinning with this could go wrong and that could go wrong and… 4 days after my due date, I delivered a 6 lb. 13 oz. PERFECT baby girl. She was (and is at 18 months) a bit of a peanut.
****You have TWO HEARTBEATS!****
Yeah!
The problem is the flavour of the ice cream. If you were eating something with a higher chocolate content you wouldn’t need to worry at all.
Seriously. I’d trust your OB. Thinking back to my twin pregnancy, I recall them not always being the size they were supposed to be and not always being the same size, which freaked me out more. I mean, how could they be different sizes? I’m still not sure how but after all the effort of getting pregnant I needed to be induced to get them out. I spent my entire pregnancy in a state of high alert, worrying about every scan, every movemenent and every non-movement with my husband telling me to shut up already (albeit more politely). So, I can relate to the worrying and say, not a lot. People told me not to worry. I worried. Now, they’re six and I worry about them for a whole lot of other reasons.
I think your new mantra should be “two heartbeats.”
Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
TWO heartbeats – yay!
I second Cupcake in the ice cream department – I shall have some tonight to show solidarity.
And if it helps (feel free to smack me around if it doesn’t) – twins run in my family and they’re teensier than everyone else. :)
Ugh. I am sorry the u/s wasn’t more reassuring.
There is absolutely nothing you can do one way or the other to change the outcome. You are doing, and have done, everything right so far.
Seeing two heartbeats is HUGE. I wish you could just bask in that for awhile without the worry.
Thinking of you and the science babies.
You may or may not be screwed here, but if you are, it is because you probably don’t know what life will be like with infant twins. Seriously. I see these Mom’s of twins sometimes, and they look haggard (like Merle). Seriously. Start stockpiling the crank. You’ll probably need it.
On a more reassuring note, on our first child, the lad measured small. We were jazzed to see a + HPT, jazzed to see a heartbeat, and then our very experienced, elderly, bowtie clad RE looked at us and asked if we had told anyone our news yet. We said no, and he suggested that we keep it to ourselves and come back in a week or two for another ultrasound.
He mentioned that there were reasons that the embryo might measure small, but he tempered our joy a bit. We chewed fingernails until the next ultrasound. and then…….well, the boy is now 2.5 years old, and he just barfed on the livingroom carpet.
Oh, the joys of illness procured at ECFE!
Don’t sweat it. And start stockpiling crank. And diapers
Alexa,
Please don’t beat yourself up for worrying. You’re GOING to worry. It’s inevitable. Try to accept it. And furhtermore, don’t believe anyone who says your mind-set influences the pregnancy whatsoever. Healthy babies are born to women in war-torn countries…unhealthy pregnancies do not move forward in women like me, who (at the time) believed wholeheartedly in “The Secret” and that if you just think positively, everything will work out perfectly. Your babies are soaking up nutrients, not negative thinking. So just relax, and uh…worry away!
You would feel worried if the sacs were 6w6d – ahead of schedule. You worry because that’s what we do when we are left to the mercy of science to get us this far and then suddenly science can do nothing.
I’ll be thinking of you and Scott and hoping you both can go through the next days up through your next US in contented silence of having each other and two heartbeats.
First of all, seeing two heartbeats is great. Both are in the running!
I can imagine you’re worried at the measurements. Worry is the companion of any science baby gestation.
I hope you get an euphoric buzz that makes it all easier, I enjoyed that for a while.
You will worry no matter what. Even if testing and ultrasounds are perfect. My best advice is to focus on what you know right now, the information at hand – two fetal poles, two beating hearts and a one week margin of error. These are all wonderful things and I’m so happy for you and Scott.
Super huge congrats on seeing two h/b’s! That is excellent news and the best possible indication of a good outcome for this wonderful pregnancy. I know you are worried about the sizes, I would be worried too only because I went through hell getting pg w/my twins too and I worried every step of the way too. But I also know that u/s machines vary greatly. I’ll bet they just don’t have enough resolution on their machine. And also the accuracy has alot to do w/the tech that does the u/s. Aren’t you having another u/s at the RE’s office? I would try not to worry and hang in there for that one. RE offices generally have awesome u/s machines. Stock up on ice cream now because after you stop worrying about the sizes being off, you’ll find something new to worry and obsess about for oh about the next 8 months. Try to pace yourself.
I’m just hoping for everything to continue as well as the two heartbeats! And extra ice cream is always a good thing.
Two heartbeats is good, Alexa. I am sorry the size issues are worrying, but I am with the rest of the crowd (and your doctor, even more importantly) that this may all be nothing but a blip along the way to happy pregnancy in the end. Thinking of you.