Well, That Got a Bit Darker Than I Intended.
The Colace worked last night, but I must warn any of you in a similar position that waiting six days before taking said Colace may not be the best idea. I am not sure how to put this without offending the delicate sensibilities of my readers, but the experience left me shaken, not a little depleted, and to be perfectly honest, feeling strangely violated. Let’s just say I wondered afterward whether I ought to send out birth announcements.
In other, less scatological news, the ban was officially lifted this afternoon, and it seemed to go well. I think Scott may have been slightly traumatized, but I can live with that. Though when I said, in a tone somewhere between reassuring and scornful, “It’s not like they’re even kicking yet, or anything,” his eyes widened and glazed slightly, like those of a panic-prone, slightly retarded deer who has just heard on his transistor radio that hunting season has begun.
“We won’t be doing that!” he shrilled. “After the babies are born, we can have all the sex you want,” (here I snorted—because I’ll bet I will never feel sexier than just after I have GIVEN BIRTH TO TWO ENTIRE BABIES) “But once the babies start kicking…we won’t be doing that.”
Luckily, I have taken this to mean after the babies start kicking so he can feel it from the outside. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?
Speaking of which, I am really, really looking forward to feeling something, anything from my uterus. I can only ever pick up one heartbeat on the Doppler, presumably because Baby B is A) perpetually uncooperative and B) the proud owner of an anterior placenta. Or, obviously, because only one of the babies HAS a heartbeat, but I am trying to stop thinking like that. Still, it would be nice to know when I can expect to feel movement—I have heard it is a bit earlier with twins. I think it will calm me down considerably. I hope it will calm me down considerably…I think we can all agree that some calming would be a good thing.
I seem to go back and forth, sometimes within the same moment (sometimes within the same sentence) from thinking about things (names, cleaning out the room that would be the…baby-housing room) that assume a successful outcome for this pregnancy, to assuming the very opposite. I have not bought a single baby-related item—not that I should have, at this stage, but I don’t feel remotely capable of doing so, and frankly cannot imagine a time when I would feel safe having such a thing as a crib in my apartment. One moment I am fine, happily basking in being where I have longed to be for so long, and the next moment I feel suffocated by the weight of my own terror, and the weeks before viability stretch before me like an impossibility, an uncrossable, treacherous terrain. And honestly, viability is slim comfort, knowing what I do about the outlook for babies born that early.
But most of the time I forcibly push these thoughts from my mind, and if I keep things theoretical—what color we might paint the hypothetical baby-housing room, what I might do for work after the hypothetical babies are born—and avoid purchasing/doing/deciding anything, I seem to be fine. Denial may not be healthy in many situations, but I am supremely thankful for it in this one, as it lets me enjoy this pregnancy as long as I don’t think about it too carefully. The problem, of course, is that eventually—not for quite a while, but eventually—I will have to make things less theoretical, especially as regards work and the apartment, especially as my OB wants me essentially off my feet by 24 weeks, and I honestly wonder if I will be able to do it. And I type things like that, “eventually,” and “24 weeks,” and I feel terrified and arrogant, and I think: it could be tonight. Tonight could be the night this pregnancy ends. And let me tell you, there is not enough ice cream in the world to wash my brain clean of that.
13 Comments
Hang in there hon. BTDT and I have the twins to show for it. Honest to God, and even though I know you won’t stop worrying anyway, you are doing well and you have greater odds of having two healthy babies than not at this point. Try to just sit back and enjoy this pg because it will likely be your only pg (as it was for me) and although it doesn’t seem like it now, it will fly by and then you will be in the never-ending cycle of feeding, changing and catching sleep when you can. Enjoy your freedom, what little you have, while it lasts for it is precious and soon you will have no freedom, unless you count lugging two baby carriers and a massive diaper bag around w/you at all times. Once you are truly showing and huge (and you will get huge, I measured 45 weeks when I gave birth at 35.5 weeks) you might relax enough to actually enjoy setting up the baby room. BTW I started feeling movement at about 15 weeks and it just felt like gas at first so I didn’t realize what it was for awhile. Dh didn’t feel anything from outside the tummy til about 22+ weeks at least and then the babies would never cooperate and would stop kicking the moment he put his hand on them. I worked right up until 30 weeks and had no problems doing so although I did sit at a desk most of the time. I never went on bedrest and was induced at 35.5 weeks due to high blood pressure, otherwise I’m sure I could have gone longer. I was extremely “frisky” shall we say until the very end and my doc had no restrictions in that regard since I had no pg issues. HTH and feel free to email me if you have any questions. My twins are now 4 and I still have some memory left of my pg and early baby years although mommy brain has dimmed it considerably.
I reckon that worrying comes with the territory, but it doesn’t make it any easier to know that, does it?
xx
J
The icecream won’t cure the worrying, but it is a great thing to have for when you are worrying.
I agree, Ice Cream makes a great salve for worry. Hang in there.
And when they do start kicking you will panic everytime you feel it’s been too long since the last kick… I was the same way. Try to keep cool though, they’ll be just fine and in your arms before you know it.
You can order all those things online if you have to get off your feet. No worries!
that is one adavantage to adopting. that i feel but haven’t really told anyone…i won’t have to worry about miscarrying for months.
not that that is a rational thought. but fear by definition isn’t rational.
they’re going to be fine. they are.
I know that I am not nearly as far along as you are but i can’t help myself from those same feelings. I was wondering if/when they go away- maybe for the Infertiles, Never? I can’t even bring myself towrite about it on my blog for sake of some thing bad to read it and take away my pregnant state …
I do wish I had some magic words… a magic future-reading ball… all I’ve got is the personal feeling I have that you are going to welcome two beautiful, amazing, perfect children into a baby-housing room… and then into a child-housing room… and then into a moody-adolescent-housing room. I even believe that you are going to attend proms and graduations and weddings.
Hang in there. I’m happy you have the denial and the happy-basking moments. You will all be great.
I worried worried worried through my pregnancies too (and I only ever had one baby in there). Probably it was because I was off Zoloft, but also, I was learning what it is to be a mom and worrying is a huge part of it.
You’re already concerned about those babies because you’re their mom and it will last for their whole lives. And yours.
The worrying never ends, does it? I’ve worried through both of my pregnancies and until I had the babies in my arms, I breathed a sigh of relief.
It’s tough, really tough.
I totally understand your worry. Especially, like so many of your readers, you’ve been trying to get to this place for so long. I wish I had some great advice for you that would help, but being an extreme worrier myself, I’m afraid I’m at a loss. But honestly, Sandra is right, you have a better chance of having healthy babies than not at this point. I think that counts for a lot. And hey - if you think you’re worried now - just wait for the next 18 years!!
If it makes you feel better WRT sex, by the time he can feel the babies kicking from the outside, you will be too big for him to reach you from the front. So it’ll all involve other positions from which he would have to put hands to stomach in order to feel them kick. No problem!
I’m still thinking good thoughts for you and can’t wait to hear if you do, in fact, feel sexy after having given birth to two entire babies. I felt sexy after having given birth to one (the loss of 16 lbs in 2 days will do that), so maybe you’ll feel twice as sexy! And equally frustrated because you really can’t do anything.