Dear Science Babies,

by Alexa on November 30, 2007

Pregnancy is a strange experience. Why, only this morning, I saw a drop of clear fluid on my nipple. I thought maybe I had gotten a little water on myself somehow, but further experimentation revealed that this liquid had come from my very own breast. I couldn’t have been more surprised if one of the cats had started wearing spats. A bit of research reveals that this is normal (the nipple liquid, not feline spat-wearing). “Normal,” that is, for the neverending circus of oddity that is pregnancy.
Another curious development has been my feelings for the two of you. Today I was imagining Worst-Case Scenarios, something I do from time to time. Since I have been pregnant, these Worst-Case Scenarios have dealt with your demise. Now, don’t go getting all upset and rending my bladder—I do not enjoy these imaginings. I consider these possibilities only as a way of managing my anxiety, by planning my responses to fictitious catastrophes (don’t let anyone tell you your mother doesn’t know how to have a good time). Considering this particular Worst-Case in the past, I have wondered whether I would have the courage after such a tragedy to try IVF again, in the hopes of conceiving another child.
But this time I found myself getting angry at the very idea, angry and despairing. I don’t want “another child,” any other child. I want the babies I have now, the ones I have seen growing and bouncing inside me, the ones whose hearts I have heard galloping through the crackly speaker of my doppler, whose heads gleamed roundly on the ultrasound Wednesday night. I want you, both of you, and only you. The knowledge that I have so little control over whether you make it safely into the world wakes me up at night, or would, if I weren’t already up to go to the bathroom.
The point is, you have started to be real little people to me, more than the sum of this pregnancy. I cannot pinpoint the moment this happened, and I am not certain of the mechanism that brought it about. It is part of the mysterious alchemy of gestation, I suppose, along with nipple liquid and the fact that I threw up this morning despite being sixteen weeks along and on two separate anti-nausea medications (we’ll talk about that later, don’t think we won’t). I think it is both the most dangerous and most miraculous part, probably. More miraculous even than a cat in spats.

No fighting, and keep your sweet, bony heads off my cervix.
Love,
Your Mother

Leave a Comment

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Dooneybug November 30, 2007 at 8:24 pm

I’ve been following you along but just haven’t commented in a long time (for shame!). I’m so happy for you Alexa and so glad that this feels (and is) so real for you.

Reply

Amanda November 30, 2007 at 9:28 pm

Good grief, if I were not in my 18th month of breastfeeding my daughter, after 18 months of feeding her sister before her, I do believe this post would have made me spring a leak.

Lucky science babies.

Beautiful post, and as always, you leave me envious of your unique brand of wit.

Reply

All Adither November 30, 2007 at 10:12 pm

And more of that to come. You mommy you.

Reply

Becky November 30, 2007 at 10:52 pm

It’s terrifying, isn’t it? Pregnancy absolutely renders me awestruk and terrified at the same time.

It’s an amazing time, and I wish that I’d allowed myself to enjoy it more than I ever did.

Reply

Farah December 1, 2007 at 8:59 am

sweetsweet post! You are such a great mommie!

As for nipple-leakage ….weird and sorry for that

Reply

Brid December 1, 2007 at 9:06 am

You make me cry; you make me smile; you make me laugh. Thanks!

Reply

Geohde December 1, 2007 at 5:32 pm

I hope those science babies are listening :)

J

Reply

Ashley in NY December 1, 2007 at 9:18 pm

This was beautiful. I’m so very happy for you!

Reply

Ginger December 1, 2007 at 11:02 pm

This is probably something we all should have realized by now: Boobs and their magic are very powerful. Feelings for your sweet Science Babies are even more more so.

I loved NaBloPoMO. In the words of a bad pop song, and on behalf of all your readers, “. . . tell me how am I supposed to live without you? Now that I’ve been loving you so long . . . “

Reply

LetterB December 3, 2007 at 1:46 pm

Brava! This is a beautiful end to the nablopomo madness. Although I think the stealth posts were my favorite. Very “Alias.” Will be missing the daily Alexa but glad you have a break now.

Reply

TB December 3, 2007 at 8:20 pm

This is a great milestone for you Alexa. I remember starting to feel really and truly invested in my pregnancy right around 16 weeks… when I felt Myles move for the first time. It just suddenly got so much more REAL.

Reply

Jess December 5, 2007 at 12:18 pm

Cats in spats!! :)

I’m so very excited for you and your babies. You already are a wonderful mother.

Reply

Previous post:

Next post: