Jan
17

V Minus Nine Days.

Well, my posts are going to have to be much shorter until I either get a secretary or figure out how to type comfortably while lying down. My bedrest got stricter after today’s four hour sojourn to labor and delivery, and it is beginning to look suspiciously like I will be remaining here, on my couch, for the duration.

I have been continuing to have contractions, some so strong and painful I cannot catch a breath during them. I don’t have six of those an hour, but the monitors show irritability in addition to the stronger contractions. That is the bad news. The really bad news is that my cervix is now “very soft” and Ames is extremely low and causing that part of my uterine wall to bulge outward. On manual exam my cervix appeared to be barely two centimeters, which sent me into a tailspin, but happily transvaginal ultrasound showed another centimeter on the inside, so my cervix is still three centimeters. The best news is that it remains closed with no funneling.

Simone continues her campaign of frustrating the nurses by not allowing them to keep her heartbeat on the monitor, preferring instead to kick it (hard) before scuttling away. A couple of the nurses had a competition to see whether they could succeed where the other had failed, but eventually they gave up on the monitor and instead came in and chased her on the doppler once every five minutes to get a heartrate. My heartrate kept setting off the alarms at 125, and my blood pressure was so low I think I may have technically been dead. But no fever, and no bladder infection.

Seeing Ames on the ultrasound today hurt. There’s not much more to say than that. I know it’s stupid, but at first I hoped maybe they would see him moving, and that it would all have been a mistake. That didn’t happen.

I am scared. Every time Simone isn’t actively kicking I wonder if she is dead, and I can’t tell myself I am being irrational, because, well, I’m not. I know the longer she is inside the better, but it is hard not to think of my uterus as a trap, a bomb that could kill her at any moment, especially as we still don’t know what happened to Ames. But I am also terrified that things will continue to go downhill and I won’t make it the nine days to viability, much less to 36 weeks. Frankly, 28 weeks seems like a scarily distant goal right now, given the progressing contractions and softening and shortening cervix.

Unless I improve drastically overnight with fluids (I was dehydrated, and apparently need to better balance the three demands of my medical team: keep hydrated, keep my bladder empty, and stay horizontal. It is a diverting riddle.) I am to report back to the clinic tomorrow, and I already have an appointment for Monday to repeat clotting bloodwork, etc. I have been told it is too late for P17 shots, but I think they will be putting me on some unspecified medication if my contractions continue to ramp up and my cervix continues to change. They will start fetal fibronectin testing at 24 weeks. I am terrified of the problems Simone will face if born early, but I am trying to focus on one thing at a time.

Scott and I have been overwhelmed by the support you have shown us, and I cannot tell you how it helps to have so many people remembering Ames and rooting for my wee girl. Someday she will know how many strangers were holding her in their thoughts, and I hope she will be as moved as I am by the capacity of people to care for each other. I will write more as soon as I figure out how to do so while in proper bedrest position (this short entry has taken me embarrassingly long to peck out). I find the prospect of continued prone-ness a bit daunting, but it helps to have all of you. Truly.

By Alexa | Posted in Ceci N'est Pas Une Ecrivaine |