Well, my posts are going to have to be much shorter until I either get a secretary or figure out how to type comfortably while lying down. My bedrest got stricter after today’s four hour sojourn to labor and delivery, and it is beginning to look suspiciously like I will be remaining here, on my couch, for the duration.
I have been continuing to have contractions, some so strong and painful I cannot catch a breath during them. I don’t have six of those an hour, but the monitors show irritability in addition to the stronger contractions. That is the bad news. The really bad news is that my cervix is now “very soft” and Ames is extremely low and causing that part of my uterine wall to bulge outward. On manual exam my cervix appeared to be barely two centimeters, which sent me into a tailspin, but happily transvaginal ultrasound showed another centimeter on the inside, so my cervix is still three centimeters. The best news is that it remains closed with no funneling.
Simone continues her campaign of frustrating the nurses by not allowing them to keep her heartbeat on the monitor, preferring instead to kick it (hard) before scuttling away. A couple of the nurses had a competition to see whether they could succeed where the other had failed, but eventually they gave up on the monitor and instead came in and chased her on the doppler once every five minutes to get a heartrate. My heartrate kept setting off the alarms at 125, and my blood pressure was so low I think I may have technically been dead. But no fever, and no bladder infection.
Seeing Ames on the ultrasound today hurt. There’s not much more to say than that. I know it’s stupid, but at first I hoped maybe they would see him moving, and that it would all have been a mistake. That didn’t happen.
I am scared. Every time Simone isn’t actively kicking I wonder if she is dead, and I can’t tell myself I am being irrational, because, well, I’m not. I know the longer she is inside the better, but it is hard not to think of my uterus as a trap, a bomb that could kill her at any moment, especially as we still don’t know what happened to Ames. But I am also terrified that things will continue to go downhill and I won’t make it the nine days to viability, much less to 36 weeks. Frankly, 28 weeks seems like a scarily distant goal right now, given the progressing contractions and softening and shortening cervix.
Unless I improve drastically overnight with fluids (I was dehydrated, and apparently need to better balance the three demands of my medical team: keep hydrated, keep my bladder empty, and stay horizontal. It is a diverting riddle.) I am to report back to the clinic tomorrow, and I already have an appointment for Monday to repeat clotting bloodwork, etc. I have been told it is too late for P17 shots, but I think they will be putting me on some unspecified medication if my contractions continue to ramp up and my cervix continues to change. They will start fetal fibronectin testing at 24 weeks. I am terrified of the problems Simone will face if born early, but I am trying to focus on one thing at a time.
Scott and I have been overwhelmed by the support you have shown us, and I cannot tell you how it helps to have so many people remembering Ames and rooting for my wee girl. Someday she will know how many strangers were holding her in their thoughts, and I hope she will be as moved as I am by the capacity of people to care for each other. I will write more as soon as I figure out how to do so while in proper bedrest position (this short entry has taken me embarrassingly long to peck out). I find the prospect of continued prone-ness a bit daunting, but it helps to have all of you. Truly.
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I am holding my breath for 28 weeks for you.
Still thinking of you and yours. (((hugs)))
Hang in there, Alexa. (And that goes literally for you, Miss Simone.) Hopefully you can get in some reading time while on bedrest… anything to make the time go by faster.
Eagerly awaiting your next update and still thinking about you all the time. Wish there were more I could do to help.
I’m sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Holding our breath along with you. Wishing we could do something, anything to help.
The hope to see him moving wasn’t stupid, I was hoping too.
I will think of you every single day. I am so very sorry that you are going through this.
With tears in my eyes, I am still remembering, and still rooting. Loudly.
I had my son at 32 weeks 5 days after my water broke 3 days before. The doctors told me that every hour makes a difference for a developing baby. I know every day is agony and every week seems like an eternity away but every minute she is in there she is growing stronger. I will keep praying for you and for her. Make sure you lay on your back and not on your side. My contractions were always worse when I laid on my side and the nurses kept coming in and yelling at me to lie on my back to stop them. Simone sounds like an extremely strong little girl. She must take after her Momma. And keep drinking that water.
Thinking of you, always.
A little assvice from someone who’s done the bedrest tango: Try not to freak yourself out by worrying about 28 weeks. Just focus on getting through the next 9 days. One day at a time. Hang in there, Simone! Stay strong, cervix!
(And yeah, the whole drink 87 gallons of water/but don’t let the bladder get full lest it anger the uterus! thing is a conudrum, isn’t it?)
I just wish we could all be there with you, holding your hand and feeding you cheese-covered things and being a real shoulder to cry on–but a virtual one will have to do.
Hi, I do not have a bog or website, but I have been reading your blog regularly for the past few months and this is first time I am writing. I just want to how sorry I am to hear about Ames and your loss. My heart breaks at the thought. I’m pregnant with a singleton – a boy – after 3 years of trying and 4 unsuccessful IVFS and just a week away from you. I can relate to your fears. I pray for you — May you find the strength to carry on and may Simone grow to be into a beautiful healthy baby. Please feel to email me if you ever need someone to reach out to. ~Sheba
I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to stay positive at this time. I wish I had advice. Mostly I just want to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Can they give you meds to help with the contractions? Around 24 weeks or so I got put on terbutaline to help control my contractions. Seems like my uterus was always irratible. I hated drinking water by the end of my pregnancy.
All that aside, please take care of yourself and your heart. You have been through so much.
Dear Simone,
Beautiful baby, please keep kicking your mother. Say put, grow strong, and keep kicking.
Seeing Ames. That must’ve been so hard.
I’m sorry.
Sweet baby, YOU STAY PUT AND GROW FOR YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY. They love you very much, and can’t wait to meet you BUT NOT RIGHT YET. YOU NEED TO GET BIGGER FIRST!
Then you can come meet Mom and Dad and see how great the world is. It’ll be a better place with you in it. I promise.
I am WILLING Simone to stay put and kick you until you can’t stand it anymore. Stay horizontal, stay hydrated, and you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Alexa,
I am a stranger delurking to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this awful time. I have enjoyed reading your posts for some months now as I find your writing witty, honest and literate. I remember being oddly surprised at how pleased I was to learn about a complete strangers pregnancy. I kept checking back to make sure all was well and was truly saddened to learn the latest news.
The thoughts, hopes and positive energy of many including myself are with you and I long to read the post (more than 9 days in the future) about Simone’s healthy entry into the world.
In the meantime, take another sip of water and find something to pee in that precludes you from having to move from the couch. I Tunes has movie rentals now… try to get through the hours rather than thinking about the weeks. I’ll be checking for updates.
Dear dear Alexa. You are so very very brave and strong. Even though it might not feel like that sometimes right now, you are. And you are so very loved. So very very loved and hoped for. I have no idea how you are managing these far too heavy burdens. And I wish desperately that I could take them from you. Obviously we ALL wish that for you. All that I can offer is my promise to keep you in my thoughts and heart constantly. And to be hear waiting to… hoping to… believing to… rejoice with you when you and Scott meet your baby girl.
Dear dear Simone. You, my small friend, have a lot of responsibilities for one so tiny. First, you must stay put. Second, you must keep dancing. Are those contradictory? I apologize. Life is that way pretty much all the time and I am sorry to intrude upon you so soon, but this is not the time for ambiguity. The hearts and minds of hundreds of strangers are doing our best to love you into this world because we all need you. Like I said, this is a lot to share with you so soon, but please know how much you matter and how much you are needed and wanted and loved and cherished. Most of all by your incredible mom.
Dear dear Scott. We love you too and we know that you are shouldering your own grief and are most likely unsure of how to help and how to feel and how to react. May you find peace and strength and solace. And may you have wisdom to know how to balance these huge demands that are being made of you. I believe that if Alexa loves you, you are capable of anything.
Dear baby Ames. We miss you.
You should be given someone to type for you, as well as someone to pee for you. It’s only fair.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this awful time, and for the loss of your good little boy. His was a short life, but you were there for all of it, and very generously shared it with us and we will remember him with you. I am rooting for you and your good little girl. You are in the trenches of motherhood, inching forward, and you are showing incredible strength in moving forward. You are an amazing mom.
I just had a baby girl and named her after the baby my mother lost before she had me. It made her happy to have her daughter remembered in this way.
Another option for calming the contractions is mg sulfate. I was on it for 24 hours when I was having threatened pre-term labor, and it really helped calm things down. Hopefully your contractions will continue not to change your cervix much, or there are meds that can help!
I hope that little Miss Simone can stay put for at least the next nine days. At least.
I’m sad about the u/s too. I wish it were all just a bad dream and baby Ames would give us all a nice little wave.
We are just physically hoping for you. We are thinking of you and loving you, even as complete strangers.
Perhaps it’s good thing we don’t all know where you live, or you’d have 500 people in your living room asking if you’re quite sure you couldn’t drink another drop right now? The upside would be a secretary, though.
Thinking of you all, and hoping, willing, wanting…
Hang in there…
I’m so sorry for your loss, and will keep you and your babies in my thoughts.
You’re all in my thoughts. Hope you and Simone are able to stay in your respective homes (apt, uterus) for a good long while to come!
we’re with you for the duration. All kinds of good thoughts coming your way.
Wishing and hoping that Simone gets to stay put for a lot longer.
Maybe you have an Amazon wishlist that you could link to so we could help alleviate bedrest boredem with some new reading material?
I just “met” you and am so relieved to see you have updated.
I have no advice on the bedrest, only that I will continue to keep you and Simone and, yes, Ames (seeing him must have been so hard; I get that) in my thoughts.
I do see from your blogroll you know Julia (of Hippogriffs). Her musings while on bedrest amazed me, and from her and from Akeeyu (http://herveryown.typepad.com) I do know that there is much that can be done to reduce the probability of preterm labor. I realize your situation is different from theirs, but hope you, too, will get the medical care and support you need and will find your pregnancy lasting far longer than you may now dream possible.
I wish you continued strength.
Just thinking of you all.
Stay put, Simone. Be at peace, Ames.
simone– kick, kick. grow strong on all these thoughts of love.
ames– peace to you.
continuing to hold you (all) in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, I can’t even imagine. You all are in my thoughts.
I’m sending my very best wishes to you, Scott and Simone. And a silent prayer for Ames. You all deserve good things, thanks for keeping us updated.
Hmmmph. I have just started to write seventy-eleven-thousand comments and none of them sounded right. I have never had to use the backspace button so many times.
Just know that I continue to keep you, Simone, Ames, and Scott in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that we in the ‘outer’ world can buoy you up with our hopes.
Thinking of you.
I am so amazed at the bravery and courage you continue to show. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
Alexa,
I am only now just catching up on your blog.
I am so very very sorry for the loss of your little boy. It was such a sad shock to read what has happened. My heart sank a mile.
I can offer nothing but my sincere condolances via the internet, but I mean them LOTS.
xx
Jo
We all love you and Simone and Ames. Try to be as strong as your body allows.
Here from Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka.
Sending your little one all the positive energy ai can muster.
Simone, if you hang in there for at least another 9 days, I’m sure your Mummy will buy you a pony. Stay strong, little girl!
Stay comfy in there Simone…
thinking of you all
Yes, a pony! Doesn’t a pony sound marvellous, Simone!?!?
It’s all just so horribly impossible… to be dealing with your grief and fears and trying to juggle the demands of hydration and empty bladder and bedrest. Wasn’t there a website somewhere selling all sorts of odd contraptions to help women pee in bizzare circumstances? I seem to remember something called a “Shenis.” Put Scott to work on figuring that one out.
Thinking of you and yours.
I am thinking of you. Wish there were something I could do….
Holding you in my thoughts … and willing Simone to hang on .You need one of those voice recognition software things to records your posts !
I’m so very sad to hear you’re having to deal with all this and I sincerely wish I had come across your blog on better terms. (Found you through Becky) You and you babies (Simone AND Ames) will be in my thoughts. I wish you the very best.
♥
Stay strong, stay put, and kick your Momma lots Simone.
Alexa and Scott, I just wanted to say again how sorry I am about Ames. Inadequate words for an horrible situation, but they’re all I have. Just count me as one more person pulling for you guys.
I am holding you and yours in my thoughts and willing the baby to stay put and get bigger. I am so sorry for you loss.
Keep kicking Simone! And stay put!
I’m thinking of you every day and hoping that things stay stable for 9 days and then many more.
Dear Alexa, if only I could somehow fast-forward time for you — I’m sure it has never passed as slowly as it’s doing now. How I wish I could at least sit on the edge of your bed and provide an ear, a shoulder, snacks and entertainment while you wait this interminable wait…
I’m thinking of you and your family all the time. All the time.
Yes, Simone, help mommy keep her sanity by kicking when she needs reassurance.
Thinking of you and Scott. Hang in there.
My heart hurts for you, and I am eagerly pleading for Simone to be healthy and happy and to continue her womb acrobatics for as long as possible before she makes a grand entrance.
I found your blog through Becky and wanted you to know that I am sending many good thoughts your way. I can’t imagine the heartache you are having over Ames right now, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can however understand how scared you are over Simone and premature birth. I was on bed rest for a month before giving birth to my daughter at 31 weeks. I can tell you from experience that if you look at how far you have to go it is only going to make things harder. Try your best to take it one day at a time, little steps. I will continue to think good thoughts for you and Simone.
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