When I first found the discussion alluded to in my last entry, my intent was to ignore it entirely, as is my policy in such situations. Imagine my surprise to find that my other cheek simply would not turn that far. This has jeopardized my standing as a card-carrying member of Pathologically Conflict Averse Citizens for Change if it’s All Right With You, but c’est la vie.
I do not want to prolong the brouhaha and won’t be writing about it further, but I do want to thank you all for the lovely email. When one is already blaming oneself for, oh, everything, even the most logically (and scientifically) dubious accusations can salt the wound, and the perspective you offered was much appreciated.
In other gratitude-related matters: I am participating in the March for Babies (an event I keep mistakenly referring to as the March OF Babies, which, while a more entertaining visual, is not, strictly speaking, correct), and when I signed up I planned to find sponsors by sending an email to my relatives, reminding them that there is still time to squeeze in another charitable deduction before tax time. To no one’s surprise, I am sure, I have yet to get around to writing said email, but in the meantime I received a message from the March of Dimes showcasing their cunning html buttons and slapped one up in my sidebar. I didn’t mention it in a post because I am squeamish about these things—perhaps it is my Midwestern upbring, but I even felt awkward selling Girl Scout Cookies, and when the subject of payment arose would toy with my sash and more or less offer to front my customer the Thin Mints just to stop the incessant money talk. The point is, I put up a sidebar button and within 72 hours you all managed to exceed my fundraising goal, and I am…well, I am touched. So thank you. Without the research funded by the March of Dimes, Simone wouldn’t have had access to a truly reliable blood circulator (I’m done now, I promise).
Actually, my discomfort about the subject of money is about to become an issue, because I have decided to leave my current editorial job and return to freelancing. Not only am I going to have to begin the tedious process of finding people who will pay me to write or edit for them, I will eventually be asked how much payment I require, and god help me will probably stammer and blush and end up doing the entire project for a box of Samoas. It has been three years since I actively looked for freelance work, and I don’t quite remember how it is done. Are we still putting red lights in our windows to advertise our services?
Last weekend Simone finally broke three pounds, the weight of a MacBook Air, an adult human brain, or Mr. Peebles, the world’s smallest living domestic cat. Soon she will be out of the isolette and into an open crib. This both excites and worries me, as she seems to have developed super strength, perhaps via an accident in the embryology lab involving a carelessly placed toaster and some culture medium, and I am afraid she will shimmy up the crib bars and leap out in search of milk. When she is angry enough (say, 20 minutes before a feeding) my baby hulk can lift her whole body on her arms in a push up, something I cannot do myself, despite having 28 years and an unspecified number of pounds on her. Simone has become so strong, in fact, that they have decided it is time to give her another shot at CPAP. She will be extubated half an hour from now. Let’s hope it takes.
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This recent post relieves me very much. I was really worried about all three of you. I’m an occasional lurker who enjoys your writing. Good luck on the freelance front!
And Simone, Girl, get on with your bad self. Keep puttin’ on that weight and give em’ hell!
I can understand why the comments below are closed, but I did want to give you a giant kudos for standing up to those bullies. Your response was brilliant. I wish your daughter and you the best.
I’m picturing a tiny American Gladiators battle. Simone v. Ice, both dressed in silver spandex … Go, Simone, go!
Good luck with all things, most especially Simone and the CPAP!
Sitting here praying that the CPAP thingy goes well. I hope you find lots of freelance work for lots of money. Remember, while it’s difficult to have the money talk, you’re now doing it for Simone, too, so perhaps that will make you feel more comfortable? Or more forceful? Oh, it’s always awful, isn’t it? ;) Good luck!
I’m so glad you’re not giving these hateful bitter internet crazies the emotional energy that they tried to steal from you. They’re wrong, in addition to being vicious and cruel human beings.
Here’s to a successful extubation today. Sending good thoughts your way.
Glad you are back. I get nervous when there is no new news. I somehow picture Simone in a Wonder Woman suit terrifying all the other NICU residents as she flies around. When life returns to normal(when she’s say,30) you really should give some thought to writing a book, ot maybe a newspaper column of some sort. Erna Bombeck redeaux? You write so well.
Those preemie baby push-ups are SO funny! Isaac could do some amazing things that went away once he got bigger — I never figured out WHY and HOW these preemies could do push up on their arms, put their butts up in the air, pull out their feeding/breathing tubes, but not be able to breathe on their own! :)
I am so excited about the intubation, and I hope it goes well. Isaac had to be re-intubated countless times, most notably the one time I went out to lunch with visiting friends or the one time I forgot to take my cell phone with me and so was not reachable. Of course, I blamed all the re-intubation on myself — my selfish, selfish self who the GALL to forget her cell phone and thus endangered her baby’s life by, GASP, not being at the hospital 24 hours a day and not being available by phone ONE TIME in 99 days!
In a couple of years, you will be the one writing comments on someone else’s blog — giving them comfort in recounting your memories. You will have a beautiful daughter at home with you, and the NICU will be a memory — a crazy, scary, amazing, wonderful, terrible, memory . . .
Erin
Sending happy, healthy thoughts your way! I’m sure Simone is going to do great with the CPAP!!
Oh, this was just so lovely! How about some pictures?
It’s nuts how crazy strong preemies are. My daughter could hold her head up, push up on her arms, etc WAY before she should have been able to – preemie strength should be bottled and sold. When you bring her home, people will be amazed at the tiny thing that can do so much. It’s pretty fun.
Yay for three pounds, push-ups, and another try at breathing!
You have some pretty super-human strength yourself – don’t ever think you don’t! Your last post was perfect, and I hope cathartic. Get it off your chest and deny them the satisfaction of thinking they have gotten to you – you are WAY above that nonsense and aren’t going to give them the time of day. Good luck on the CPAP and make sure Simone’s super hero tights are on straight – it’s so uncomfortable when they twist around……….
yeah! so glad to see this post. Simone is amazing, no doubt. Fingers crossed for the CPAP!
For what it’s worth, I quit my fulltime editorial job and went freelance when my daughter was born. What a great decision it was. I’m still at it, almost 15 years later. Best of luck to you and Super Simone.
I know nothing of freelance work, but if I could afford to pay you to write my daughter’s baby book I would. Then I could go back regularly and read it and laugh at when her reflux was so bad I thought about trying to give her back.
Good luck on CPAP and I’m glad you’re doing the march OF babies. I’m especially fond of the team you’re on and will do my part to help with the overall goal.
Oh, take. take. TAKE!!
I’m wishing so hard that it works this time.
Another shot at CPAP? I await pictures of Simone playing cats cradle with her intake line, while shooting you the F off look. That or another version of the bird. THAT’S my girl!! (And damn, that last post had me on the floor I was laughing so hard. And I went and checked them out too, and you know I’d be slightly sympathetic to things like kids on planes if they weren’t so, um, batshit.)
Hoping, hoping, hoping for successful extubation!
I thought the pic of Simone giving the camera the finger was funny, but I’m pretty sure the baby push-up would be hilarious. I realize you’ve got better things to do than conduct photo shoots in the NICU, but if you happen to catch one of those moves, do share!
YAY! I am SO happy that she’s bigger, and super freakishly strong as well! :) I’ll be pulling for her to get this CPAP thing done like a pro!
“Without the research funded by the March of Dimes, Simone wouldn’t have had access to a truly reliable blood circulator…”
OMFG AWESOME.
Thinking positive thoughts for Simone on CPAP.
I am so happy to hear that things are going better. While worrying is, of course, of the ego and much to be avoided. I have to admit that I have thought about you and I am glad you all are doing so well.
Sending you some positive juju for a successful CPAP!
Jeffrey used to do little NICU leg lifts. I boasted that by the time we left, he’d have six pack abs and all the girls would be after him. I also loved the posturing of his arms when he was angry. It made him look like he was about to fly away.
I was bummed that comments were closed on your last entry. I wanted to chime in, shrieking (as much as you can via prose — lots of !!!s) at your attackers with a hearty, “Go straight to Hell, you big, giant a-holes!” Alas, I kept my expletives to myself until you posted again and allowed me to unleash said comments in an unrelated post. :-)
Glad to hear Simone is working out while in the NICU. It would be pretty tough to get her all packed up and to the local gym for a healthy round of pushups in her current state. She is a SuperBaby.
I will have everything possible crossed that things continue to go well.
Darn, you are one fine writer. Good luck with that red light freelancing thing.
Kel
Ignorant people are, well, just that, ignorant. Your daughter is beautiful and you my dear are doing an outstanding job. My little world is routing for you three.
Do not work for Somaos. Those peanut butter ones with the chocolate? Hold out for those.
You are doing a great job of turning the other cheek. I know it must be hard. I am glad you are setting a good example, because my daughter who reads you was incessant last night (her searching finally paid off), but I told her not to waste her time or energy. It is just not worth it.
Go, go, go Simone the Super Baby! Can’t wait to hear how it goes. Positive thoughts and prayers still flowing your way.
I sincerely hope that none of the commenters to whom you alluded in your previous post ever have to deal with the raucous rollercoaster-ride (hey! alliterative!) of a premature infant. My crystal ball tells me that should this ever happen, their heart will implode from the sheer crushing weight of embarrassment and despair for those hateful things they said. Enough about them.
I am really happy to read your latest; go Simone, you crazy pushing-up neonate! I hope she pwns CPAP.
A fond reader in the UK ;)
You guys are so wonderful and amazing and I am SO EXCITED that Miss Simone is doing well. She’s my favorite NICU patient EVER and I can’t wait to see more pictures of her.
(the anger thing seems to be inborn. Specifically, I’m referring to my own son who, at now 11 months, rivals me in terms of temper. It’s so unbearably CUTE when they get so mad.)
Holding my breath in anticipation of Simone breathing on her own.
The freelancing work will most likely come to you without you having to look too hard. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Simone is doing beautifully. Three pounds? She’s a hulk! Congratulations!
Good luck with the CPAP. I was terrified about the graduation from isolette to crib, but it was a wee piece of heaven. Once she got to a crib I could pick her up any time I wanted! Nobody had to tell me when I was allowed to hold my baby! And I would spend a ton of time just holding her and watching her sleep. It really is a gift, to have that time when you aren’t focusing on the laundry or the house or the ringing phone, but instead given the luxury to just stare at the wondrous being that is your child.
Aleeeexa! You don’t have to put on the red light! You don’t have to seeelll your writing in the niiiight!
Okay, I’m done now.
Go Simone! You show that CPAP who’s boss! We know you can do it, baby girl.
Many prayers coming Simones way that the CPAP trial goes well this time.
Our Simone is up to three pounds?? What super news! Prayers are on their way for success on the CPAP, and of course love to your whole family.
Love, Laura
Alexa,
You are wonderfully witty and brave.
Simone is so lucky to have you as her mom.
May she continue to get stronger – she couldn’t possibly be any more beautiful!
peace,
kath
Yah for simone’s growth and progression. Sending you positive thoughts for the cpap! You both are just so strong!
I have been checking your blog everyday…a few times a day for updates on Simone. Glad to hear that she is gaining weight and I hope that she takes to CPAP better this time. I never thought that I could get attached to someone that I have never met, especially through a blog, but I have cried and laughed and cheered for joy at Simone’s (and your) accomplishments. NEVER let what other people say affect you deeply enough to start doubting yourself as a mother! They obviously don’t know what they are taking about. I will continue to send prayers and good thoughts your way throughout the afternoon!
Oh, that’s wonderful for Simone! Sending good thoughts and prayers your way for a smooth process on the CPAP.
You go girl(s)!!! Some babies come home from the NICU at slightly over 3 pounds, so that is good news!
Believe it or not, pushups and “spider walking” (when they put their arms behind their heads and push up on both arms and feet) is also done in the womb – which is what you feel when you get to about 6 or 8 months and you wonder what on earth they are doing “in there”. Gymnastics for sure. In the future, Simone will be great in her gymastics classes!
I’m quite sure a LOT of places need freelance editors Alexa. You could start with your local newspaper and work from there. A friend of my daughter’s was doing freelance for both the Hallmark card company and Yamaha (the instrument company), while being a single mother, and she earned a great living. So, more power to ya!
Happy to see you are over your goal for the March for Babies. They are advertising the March for Babies in my area now.
Keep on truckin’ Flotsam family!
Rock on, SIMONE!
I suspect you are going to do just fine getting freelance writing work.
So happy to hear form you again and not at all surprised to hear of Simone’s strength.
I’m glad you’re back. I think Simone is beautiful, but what do I know? I have visible blue veins at my temples. All kidding aside, I happen to know a magazine that pays well for freelance articles. I’ll be glad to give you the name and other info if you email me.
I’m a midwesterner, too, and I can verify that selling girl scout cookies is agony. I’m glad someone finally stood up to the trifoil conglomerate and spoke truth to power. My nonconfrontational heart also leapt to see the way you took on those crazies at the childfree site. You’re a hero, Alexa.
And Simone! Three pounds! Hope your little full-figured diva shows that CPAP who’s boss.
Your writing is sharp as ever, I’m sorry to hear you ran into a hostile crowd. Since when is picking on 3-pound babies PC?
Well done Simone on the 3 pounds!
There are so many idiots out there that it makes me sad. Your response to those idiots was amazing.
Also…and more importantly your baby girl is BEAUTIFUL. Good luck to your family!!!
Hazzah for a lusty and evermore-robust three pounder! Hope she kicks CPAP ass.
I hear you on the money thing. I still avert my eyes and feel a little sick to my stomach whenever something odious like “billable rate” gets mentioned. Hell, I can barely ask my own sister if she’d terribly mind remembering to pay me — in her own time! whenever it’s convenient! — that 50% of my parent’s Christmas present. Frankly, I’d prefer to have a little price written on a slip of paper that gets pushed across the table with a smiley face on top. (Luckily for everyone involved, I have little-to-no dealings with actual billing). But best of luck in the relaunch of the freelancing. You are a divine writer, m’dear.
crossing my fingers for a good CPAP experience this time. Go, Simone, Go!!!
so glad to see your new post! you have SUCH a gift with words.
sending thoughts of health and strength Simone’s way.
If Simone has a CPAP success on my birthday (today), I hereby declare that… uh, the two are correlated somehow in a way that means she is made of awesome. If it doesn’t quite work out, I hereby declare that she is a brilliant child who knows some very good reasons why it shouldn’t happen yet, and is therefore made of awesome. Win.
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