Thursday I signed onto my checking account and found my money missing. “J’accuse!” shrilled the minus sign before my balance, and I scrolled through my transactions in a panic. How had this happened? The $200 in overdraft fees lovingly applied by my bank hadn’t helped, but it appeared the real culprit was a mysterious transfer to an unfamiliar account. The account number was followed by the initials CA—California? Was someone in California stealing my money? Squirreling away my hard-earned nickels to spend on organic produce and Mystic Tan sessions?
The next hour was a busy one, what with all the tears, confused phone calls, and flushes of shame and futility. I could chronicle every excruciating second, but why keep you in suspense? Somebody was siphoning money from my account into their own: Me.
To explain, I must take you BACK IN TIME, all the way to LAST WEEK. If I cast my mind back to this forgotten era, I can remember that my bank was located in the same building as my office, some 25 minutes from my apartment. Having just officially(!) resigned(!) from my job, I decided to open a new checking account ( “CA”) at a bank closer to home. I transferred money from my old account to open the new one, and then…I promptly forgot about it.
Did I redirect my automatic withdrawals to the new account? No, of course not! Did I retain any memory of opening the account at all? Well, sort of, in that I kept checking the mail for my new debit card, but I failed to recall both 1) that actual money had been required to set up the account, and 2) the provenance of said funds.
I have never screwed myself more efficiently. Following years of subtler, more complicated self-sabotage, the directness ought to be refreshing. At least that’s what I told myself as I kissed my money goodbye.
Happily, the next day was much better:
After more than two months of lolling about in her own filth, Simone had her first bath.
She loved it. I loved it. One of her favorite nurses held her upright while I washed her slippery little limbs (Simone’s limbs), and at one point I started to giggle—I think it was while utilizing what appeared to be a hospital-issue Barbie comb.
“This is the most fun I have had…Well, ever.”
After the bath, I dried Simone with a warmed blanket and dressed her in one of those snap-laden garments all the babies are wearing. Where did all this snapping take place, you ask?
Oh, just in her CRIB.
Yes! A crib! All open to the air, and whatnot, so that I can rush over and touch her whenever I feel the need. Don’t mind me—it’s just your mother, rubbing your fat little belly.
Excuse the tardiness of my epiphany, but OH MY GOD. I have a baby.
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Oooh! Sweet baby baths and cribs and snappy onesies!!!!
And I’m sure that the account thing will work out. You need to give yourself a bit of a break about it.
OH MY GOD, you have a BEAUTIFUL baby. First bath, yipee!!!
So happy for you all.
Simone is so beautiful! What fun a first bath. I am so glad that she has come so far and is doing so well. We are so happy for you.
Heather
A crib?! And a bath! Simply amazing.
Simone is so gorgeous!
Oh my gosh! That video is gorgeous–I just watched it twice and showed it to my husband. What a beautiful, alert, soft, clean, pink baby! I don’t have anything interesting to say, just that I’m so happy for you and Scott. So so happy!
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now and just wanted to say that Simone is beautiful! Congratulations on the first bath and her move to a crib!
Yes, indeed. You do have a baby! I love the very end of the video where you’re rubbing her tummy. It’s very sweet.
Oh my Alexa, she is just gorgeous and getting so big! What a fun day that was I’m sure!! So glad to hear how well Simone is doing. With all that’s going on, it’s completely understandable about that whole bank thing. Wish they’d be more understanding and give you your money back!
Ahhh! Forget the checking account, you have a BABY – who wears snappy clothes! SO happy for you!
She is so beautiful! I love the millions of chins–they are just the way a baby should look (though it is hard to wash their neck when you can’t find it)! What a gorgeous, sweet girl you have in her CRIB!
tears of joy. really and truly. i am simply ecstatic for you and overwhelmed by the perfection of that wee little genius.
much love.
also. the money. don’t feel bad. i’ve screwed myself more directly and worse. more than once. sigh.
That is just beautiful… the video, the bath, everything. I remember all too well the excitment of the crib – such a huge stepp towards being a real, normal baby. Congrats Simone! Sorry about the moolah though… funny how things that would have seemed huge a year ago, suddenly seem small, isn’t it?
Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl! What a great day. As for the money, I’ve screwed myself plenty of time but never in that matter. That’s one I’ll have to remember. I’m sure it will be okay.
Dude, not only do you have a baby, you have a damn cute one.
Seriously, I want to reach through the screen and smoosh her cheeks up and give her a big fat kiss (we’re both MRSA carriers after all).
I’ve been lurking for a few weeks and I just want to de-lurk and say CONGRATULATIONS on your first bath with your beautiful baby girl! She is getting bigger and stronger every day and with this determination, she’s going to be a real handful when she’s 2! :)
beautiful video, Alexa–Simone looks fabulous! And how excellent that you get to do some wonderfully normal baby things with her now!
Oh, Alexa, she’s gorgeous. So round and pink and sweet. Just lovely!
Popping out of the woodwork to tell you how adorable she is! And it looks like she’s getting bigger every second! Congratulations! :)
HAHA, it’s so nice to know that I’m not the only woman in the world with the WORST memory possible! And I’m so happy that your daughter is doing so well…a bath! and a crib! YAY!
Omg. I’m in absolute tears. was it just days ago when it was all scary oscillators and kidneys and blood gases and scary scary stuff?? a crib! a bath! real clothes! I’m crying.
may she get strogner and stronger each day and be home very soon!!!
Yay for first baths! She’s looking more and more beautiful with each picture I see. What a big girl she’s getting!
As for the bank thingy … hey, with so much on your plate, it’s no wonder this little boo-boo happened.
Thanks for more beautiful pics!
OH. MY. GOD indeed! She is the most adorable baby EVER!!! I can’t WAIT until you get to bring her home!!
look at those big dark eyes! & do I even see…..some baby chub?? delightful. she is wonderously perfect. congrats!
That was wonderful, thank you. Congrats on the job/baby and SORRY! about the banking incident. You are not the first mother to have a complete and total brain fart. Welcome to the club.
SO GREAT!!! The first bath is the best. There is nothing cuter than a little preemie in one of those bins. And the move to the crib is awesome!!! Next thing you know, she’ll be ripping off her cannula and walking out of the joint.
I did the EXACT SAME THING re: bank accounts. Except I wasn’t going through a stressful situation, I was just an airhead. And I screwed myself out of waaaaaaay more money. It helps to go to the bank and cry. They hate that.
Yea for baths and cribs! Congrats on the big move up, Simone!
Wow! She’s beautiful and looks really happy for her first bath ever. You must be so incredibly proud.
What a fabulous day! Those pictures are so beautiful I can almost smell that wonderful, new baby smell.
I am so happy for you and your family. Simone looks incredible. My 6 week old son flails his arms in just the same way. A friend told me this comes from the primate reflex not to fall out of the trees. LOL! Hang in there Simone!
Another quick note regarding “post baby” memory: Try not to cook much. I have found that “post baby” I often forget what the hell I’m doing while I’m doing it even. Glad we have a smoke alarm. My driving isn’t much better. If you’re anything like me, stay off the highways, too. I’m hoping the fog will clear soon.
A CRIB!!! So exciting! What a perfect post. Thank you.
OMG she made that little grunty newborn sound, SQUEEE!!! I think I just lactated a little bit.
Way to go Flotsams!!!
BTW, the ‘forgetfulness’ thing, it lasts forever now. You have far too much on your mind to remember piddley little things like bank accounts etc – you are a MOTHER WITH A CHILD and therefore excused such trifles.
How’s the packing coming along? Although I can quite see that bathing Simone is far more interesting lol!
Congrats!! Simone looks so much bigger now doesn’t she.
I’ve been checking your blog every day, waiting for this! Whew! I can relax now, confident that she’s going to be just fine! :-D
And the money thing is just because you’ve got your ‘Baby-head’ on. But yeah, the poster who said it doesn’t go away has a point ;-D
Oh my goodness, she is just so BEAUTIFUL! I too have been checking in daily for Simon updates and this one couldn’t have been better! :)
I’ve never watched a home video so eagerly! Simone is Officially the Queen of Cute. How heavy now?
As a seasoned ricocheter from one monetary low to the next, and also as someone whose paid section of maternity leave is ending… God, imminently, now I come to think about it… don’t sink in shame. I’ve done dafter things, without the excuse of baby stress.
Wonderful news! (Well, not the bank thing), but all the rest!
She’s LOVELY, Alexa! And so alert! You and Scott must be over the moon. What a little miracle.
Joy! squeaky-clean yumminess, and now so grown up with a cot of her own, enjoying the open air and ready for some hardcore nuzzling whenever mama and dada darn well please.
Hooray!
Dear Alexa, I did *exactly* the same thing with a new account a few months ago, and with the self-kicking later — I was just waaay luckier in that overdrafts are no big deal in Germany. No bank would penalize you $200 for that. I hope you manage to cut yourself some slack and not beat yourself up too much about it. You’ve got far too much on your plate as it is.
YAY for Simone’s first bath! That makes me quite giddily happy. And the video — the video just made my day. What perfection she is!
I totally would have done the bank thing. Sounds just like me, even though I always think I have it together.
Wow, she looks so great! Awake and alert and just… like you said, a baby! She’s lovely.
Wait, you had a BABY??? When did this happen?? Here I’ve been anticipating more apartment updates and haircutting advice. I completely lost my short term memory last year, all of it. I believe it comes with the PTSD territory which m’dear, this all qualifies. Sad, really. And no, despite doing the daily crossword, it has not returned. Simone is a vision. And a CRIB! incredible.
Bath+Snappy Clothes+Crib+Baby=Sheer Ecstatic Happiness!
Wow, she’s huge! And alert! Baby-like! Clean! Marvel of all marvels.
I showed the photo and video to P, who kept screeching, “Bobby! Bobby!”, which is P-speak for “baby”. I told her Simone’s name, so for the next 20 minutes she was walking around the flat mumbling about “Baby ‘mone”. See, these are the things you have to look forward to you!
Also lady – I know you’re busy, what with the having-a-baby-thing, but respond to at least one of my emails, will you? I have many important questions!
My heart just grew two sizes!
WOOO HOOO! Happy happy news! You go Simone!
Oh my… Yes you do.
;)
Hooray Simone.
And those bloody overdraft fees are an outrage. There’s NO charge for overdraft insurance… BUT of course you have to actually request it. They link to a credit card. Do it.
A bath and a crib?!?! Wow, Alexa!!! That is AWESOME! I am so, so happy for you. You are a zillion steps closer to coming home. Oh, hooray!
Hooray, Simone! I’m giddy at how your delight in her just oozes out of the words in this post. Checking account, schmecking account.
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