I got only one uninterrupted hour of sleep last night. One hour is enough time for many things—making piecrust, getting a haircut—but a night’s restful slumber is not one of them. I am realizing, belatedly, that sleep deprivation is cumulative, meaning that what seemed manageable a week ago now results in me whisper-snapping “What is the matter? WHAT??” at my poor crying baby at three a.m. Mother of the Year!
Said baby has become exponentially fussier, either due to her reflux or the fact that she has decided to really commit to the role of newborn now that her adjusted age is out of the negative numbers. Tragically, the gypsy swaddle seems to have stopped working, and Simone has now decided she must nurse to sleep after her night bottles, which would be fine—not great, you understand, but acceptable—except that she will then only sleep until I attempt to move her.
When she is not actively crying at night she is grunting angrily and whining “Meeeh. Eh. Ehh. Ahihh. Meheh. Ehhhhhh!” But the moment someone gives up on sleep, disconnects the apnea monitor, and takes her into the living room to hold, she is down for the count. Not that either Scott or I can remember how to count, at this point.
Simone had her first appointment with the pediatrician yesterday, and holy hell, but I hate car seats. I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to force Simone’s legs through what turned out to be the arm straps, and am already experiencing anticipatory anxiety about repeating the whole rigmarole tomorrow for her eye appointment.
The pediatrician, in what was undoubtedly a move calculated to soothe anxious mothers, shook my hand at the end of the appointment and said “You’re doing a great job.” Calculated or not, it was appreciated, especially after being told that Simone needs to gain more weight. Full-term babies are expected to gain half an ounce a day, but preemies are held to a higher standard, which hardly seems fair. I have taken the doctor’s pronouncement to mean that I must introduce more bacon and heavy cream into my diet. To fortify my milk, you see. For the baby.
But while Simone’s growth concerns me, it is in a “Huh, I guess I’ll step up the feeding schedule” way, rather than one characterized by diaper-weighing and Google-induced hysteria. This has been the biggest surprise since our homecoming, just how calm and almost…lackadaisical I am as a mother. It is easily the best thing to come from Simone’s varied and several brushes with death, this feeling that as long as she’s breathing, the rest is gravy. I always expected that I would be the sort of parent who keeps spreadsheets detailing her kid’s every feeding and bowel movement, but instead I make sure she eats every three-ish hours, and gets her medicines every 12-ish hours, and otherwise merely go about my business with my baby in the sling all day, licking the occasional dropped crumb from her head.
Simone has started spitting up more, and your recommendation that I stock up on cloth diapers was the best baby advice I received. In fact, if you are pregnant right now, let me tell you that no matter how silly you feel filling your cart with what seems like an excessive quantity of Gerber prefolds, trust me when I say that YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH. Take the number of packages you think would be reasonable, double it, and then add two or three more.
The spitting up doesn’t seem to faze Simone one bit, and in fact only renews her appetite. She is like a tiny Roman.
She also appears to be under the misguided impression that milk courses under my skin like a river, and will attempt to latch on to whatever part of me happens to be closest—thigh, shoulder, collarbone—and become furious when no sustenance is forthcoming. If she is hungry enough, even eating will upset her, something I find baffling. Say you’re a baby. You want food, the food source is in your mouth, but instead of eating you prefer to wail and fling your giant bobbling head from side to side? What’s your motivation? Simone would be a star on this website.
This last Saturday was my due date. Go ahead and roll that around in your mind for awhile. Though I would be hard-pressed to categorize the pregnancy as “successful,” I am ever, ever mindful of how much worse things could have been, and how lucky I am to be here, with my sweet, wiggling, living daughter.
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I used to get through the more insanely exhausting moments avec the shrieking baby and the flailing limbs and the general drama with the following statement (dripping with sarcasm, natch): “Oh of course, good sir. It’s all about you. Let’s go ahead and fuck Mama’s needs.” It helps. Probably cuz yer not supposed to swear in front of an infant, which made it all the more helpful.
We’re 5 months into this new baby and things have become markedly better. Even so little removed from those early months and already I want to give you a big cookie and a thumbs up and tell you that yes, you are doing good.
My daughter is 3 weeks old and does the same pull off and scream thing on the boob! She will suck, like, twice, and if milk does not immediately appear, she starts to cry and shake her head! Doesnt do it all the time, just sometimes. V v funny, though.
She is lovely, I’m so happy for Family Flotsam that she is home and doing well!
Congrats to you all! Re: everything-is-gravy, I think your parenting style is similar to mine, in that I’ve always had only 2 rules:
1) (for birth through 12 years) Don’t Kill The Baby.
2) (ages 12 and up) Don’t Let The Baby Kill You.
That’s it! So far we’re all alive and well through age 13!
Best of luck to you all, you’re doing great.
She is absolutely gorgeous!!! I am just so happy for you.
And so proud of you that you are staying so relaxed and calm. It makes a world of difference.
And yeah, the sleep deprivation. Totally sucks, don’t even have any good suggestions for you because I’m still struggling with it. Oh wait…I do actually…when Kiel was 2 months I splurged and got an Amby (http://www.askdrsears.com/amby.asp). It is amazing! First time we were able to get him to sleep without me holding him. He is still up wanting the boobie every few hours, but its so much better! I found mine on craig’s list so didn’t pay full price. Worth every penny I spent!
i don’t have a flickr account so i can’t comment on all those GORGEOUS photos like i really want to. your baby girl is just stunning. (i think she looks like you!) so happy for her safe arrival home and absolutely overjoyed over your good news about how you have settled into being her mom. you are wonderful.
You’re doing fine! I love reading all the comments from other moms on here!
My girl did the angry thing at the boob, too. I would (very) gently pinch her lips around my nipple until she “got it” and that usually worked.
And it does get better. One day you’ll lift your head and she’ll be four months old and you’ll wonder where the time went.
Anyone who says babies will eat when they’re hungry and sleep when they’re tired has never spent a night with an infant. It always baffled me, too, how they could get too hungry to eat or too tired to sleep.
And you’re totally right about sleep deprivation being cumulative. I reached a breaking point about week 4 with a newborn. My baby was born in the winter – I remember clearly sitting in the twilight, feeding him and trying very hard to remember if it was 4:30 a.m. or 4:30 p.m. In the end, I had no idea. I had to turn on the t.v. to see what was on – only Oprah convinced me it was still daytime.
The good news is that this really is the hardest part. And it really does end. Good luck.
awe! she is so cute! You are doing great : )
Had a preemie at the end of September who came home a month later. We had little to no outside help b/c he was quarantined. Developed pathological fear of sun setting because he was so difficult and unpredictable in his feeding (bottle issues). Don’t remember much about Thanksgiving (his due date) and Christmas that year except the overwhelming exhaustion.
Somewhere around January — the 2-month adjusted mark — it all changed and I felt like I knew what I was doing. It got better. What kept me hanging on through the panic:
The advice from a friend:
The first month is awful. You think your life will be this way forever, but it won’t. Just get through the first month. (Adjust for preemies, but it’s true.)
The knowledge that — with six billion people in the world, many thousands born from negligent, stupid parents — it was near impossible for me to accidentally kill my own child.
I cried the first 2 weeks home… literally, tears streaming down my face crying. And the guilt, oh gosh, the guilt bc wasn’t I supposed to be ecstatic that I FINALLY had my baby?
And then, bless her heart, my friend lent me her cradle swing. And all was well in our home. Don’t know if Simone is big enough for it, but my kid spent the first 6 months of his life strapped to that thing. I give it full credit for saving our sanity.
Enjoy these months. I promise they DO grow out of it ;)
Man, your daughter is CUTE.
I heard somewhere that babies who spent a long time in SCBU can be hard to settle when they come home – something to do with all the noise and attention they had at the hospital. Have you tried a radio on low, or the hairdryer??! weird as it sounds, it can work.
Even full term big babies can be a nightmare to settle – I dont remember sleeping at all with number 2 for 2 weeks solid and he was a week over and 10lb! The radio trick did help a little though.
I cant believe this Saturday is her due date – she’s older than my son and he was overdue ;-)
Shes beautiful as well xx
Oh gosh do I remember the long nights. Our twin daughters were like this and they weren’t ever on the same schedule no matter how hard we tried. Our son, a totally different experience.
I know you’ll get a lot of advice and finger waiving on co-sleeping. But you all need sleep and at some point (hopefully before your breaking point) you just gotta do what you gotta do. If moving her is what kicks off the no sleep thing, then don’t move her. Make the space safe and catch some z’s with her.
Good luck & enjoy!
Been home with my 3rd daughter for three weeks, and while she was no preemie, I feel your sleepless night pain. It does add up, but like the car seat hell you are currently in, it gets better. And, one day down the line, you’ll find your modified sleep requirements will be a bit like a superpower.
Hip hip hooray for the rolling with the punches attitude you’ve got!
she’s adorable!
Have you read the Happiest Baby on the Block? It really helped with our fussiness and getting them to sleep.
You’re in the hardest part right now – you’ll start getting some sleep soon, and after just a little sleep, it all seems so much easier.
And definitely – at this point – let her sleep where ever she is willing to sleep – don’t worry about getting her in the crib, you’ve got time for that.
I can’t even tell you how much it makes me smile to read you writing about motherhood and being home with Simone. And to see that gorgeous girl squirming about in her adorable onesie.
I’m coming back just to second the suggestion about the noise. One of the NICU nurse practitioners told me they feel a little guilty because they send babies home with all kinds of bad habits. NICU babies are allowed to sleep on their tummies, and they like it. It’s also never completely dark in there, and there is always noise. We started using brighter nightlights for our daughter, and that helped a bit.
You are doing a wonderful job Alexa! I’m so happy Simone is finally home! My one and only full term newborn girl weighed 6 pounds 12 ounces at birth, lost about 4 ounces in the hospital until my milk came in, and then gained it back on the day we went home – all in 3 days! She was colicky and I had a swing, and that was a godsend! The swing soothed her and she slept and I had some peace.
I type medical reports for my job, and I type a lot of pediatric radiology stuff. One of the pediatric radiologists told me that a baby with reflux should immediately take a pacifier after eating, because it helps the stomach not reflux the food back up. So, you could stick an orthodontic Nuk pacifier in Simone’s little sweet mouth after she was done feeding and let her suck away.
How I miss those times. I only had one baby, and never had a chance again. She’s 33 years old now and a mom herself.
Yeah, you’re doing a great job Alexa and Scott! God bless this Flotsam family!
You are doing a great job, and we all hate carseats!
The unfortunate part about being a mother is that the little ones don’t come with instruction books so we just have to fumble our way through.
Simone is adorable!
http://www.mypreciouskid.com/sleep-positioner-reflux.html
Saw this on the web and thought of you.
http://www.webmd.com/news/20000619/pacifiers-baby-acid-reflux
And this. OK nuff for now. You’re doing a wonderful job. She is a beauty!
Your post brought it all back. The sleeplessness. The confusion. The crying. My son used to make a sound like “ah-ha-ha-ha” that sounded like it came from the chorus of the T-Rex song “Jeepster.” It never failed to amaze and amuse, which is a good thing because the crying had us weighing the consequences of taking him to a gypsy encampment and bartering him for a nice pair of gold earrings. Or a horse.
You will get through this. White noise works well. If you turn it up loud enough you won’t hear the baby crying.
-Jill
Oh, how I remember those days. The delirium, the diapers, the lack of brain power.
We let Oscar sleep in the bed with us and it made all the difference. There are probably stricter rules for babies with apnea monitors, but we thought that since women all over the world do it, so why not us? It truly was a turning point. No covers, no pillows by baby. Another option, and I kid you not, is to put Simone in a cat bed with sides and let her sleep between the two of you. I have several friends who have done this and it has worked well.
Good luck and you ARE doing an awesome job…she looks pretty darn happy in those photos!
P.S. Can you send me your street address to my email? We have a little something to send to Miss Simone.
It has been almost 38 years since I brought my itsy bitsy baby home and this post brought all those feeling back to me! Of course, back in the stone ages, we used those “spit up” diapers as the real thing! She’s adorable. I pray you get some sleep! Congratulations, mama on getting her home! Before you know it, she’ll be pushing 38 and you’ll feel old, like me! :)
She’s just gorgeous. You’re doing great! (And the cloth diaper tip is duly noted)
You didn’t say how often Simone cries while eating, and this is probably a ridiculous idea, but since it is something I heard at the pediatrician myself two days ago, I’ll pass it on so you have one more thing to dwell needlessly on: It’s allergy season (here in Texas, anyway–God knows what season it is way up there where you are) and my baby’s doctor mentioned that sometimes a baby will cry while sucking at bottle or breast even if very hungry because the pressure in the baby’s head, caused by a cold or allergies, is worsened by the sucking.
I love looking at pictures of Simone. More photos, please.
We had a terrible period of colicky fussing shortly after my son came home, thanks to the doofus obstetrician who prescribed Flagyl for me, even though I was breastfeeding, without telling me that it would kill his brand-new, fragile intestinal flora and leave him in misery. That went on until my husband went out and bought a brilliant soothing device.
The device that saved us all? A swing. The Fisher Price Ocean Wonders swing, which turned sideways to swing side to side as well as the conventional forward/backward motion. The side to side swinging motion lulled him to sleep. I must confess that he actually spent a couple of nights in the swing, happily snoozing away – as did we. Bliss.
And for heaven’s sake, no matter what else you do, make sure your doctor knows you’re breastfeeding if they are prescribing antibiotics! :)
Simone is such a beauty. I love seeing the photos as she grows. Thanks for keeping up with the updates, despite your incredible lack of sleep. My hat is off to you!
I had totally forgotten about the random latch. Ohhh, good times…
Hey Mommy you are doing just fine. My first son was a complete pain as a baby and never slept more than 90 mins at a time, day or night. We just kept feeding him and plugging in the pacifier and eventually it improved and he only woke once or twice a night. With regard to Simone (She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed) waking when you put her into her crib I do have a slightly ‘icky’ suggestion. When I was childminding I had a baby boy who had huge separation issues when his Mother had to return to work so, along with the expressed Breast milk she would send the T-shirt (baby drool, Mommy sweat and all) she had slept in the previous night and I would put him down for a nap with that. It was a great help. I know it is warm in your half of the world now but if you could keep some cotton jersey or muslin in the sling with Simone during the day, perhaps transferring this to the crib may lessen the impact of the change of venue. Also I think someone else mentioned warming her sheets with a hot water bottle so the temperature change isn’t so abrupt, I assume you already do the low level noise and dim light thing. However, even if none of these ideas work, you will survive and I’m sure that beautiful little tyrant of yours will thrive.
Now go and EAT something!
First let me tell you. You are doing a GREAT job!
Trust me the night I stuck Jeffrey in the crib, let him wail and went out on the porch (where I couldn’t hear him) and just sobbed; I thought I was the worst mother ever. In hindsight, I did the right thing. I did not for example give him to a random stranger walking down the street as I was sorely tempted to do.
We were pretty lucky in that he settled into a sleeping pattern after a few weeks. We tried as best we could to stick to the same schedule as the NICU since it was familiar to him.
Also. Totally on board with the “calmness”. I really thought we would be hyper-vigilant psycho parents but instead we took the “hey he’s breathing” approach and became very laid back parents. And two and a half years later it’s still working for us. A little blood? Meh, he’s crying. That means he’s moving air. He’s fine.
One other thing about sleeping. Have you tried putting her in a bouncer or swing post feeding? I know they’re miniscule inside them now but it seemed to help Jeffrey’s reflux when he was a little more “sitting up” and he would get to sleep a bit easier.
Hope some of this helps. Now go try and sleep and if you can’t sleep at least eat something yummy. Good luck!
She looks beautiful and so cozy in her sling.
Milk shakes! Eat a milk shake every day!
Hey, it’s probably the easiest, most pleasant unsolicited advice to follow, right? Someone told me to try that to increase my milk production, and holy moly did it work. The milk I put in the fridge after that started separating like cream.
She is absolutely adorable. Congratulations!!!!
She is so beautiful.
Mine wasn’t a premie, but I do empathize with the exhaustion of those early days. I may remember that you don’t have family in the area, but if at all possible I would advocate doing — even occasionally — what I did: handing baby to someone else and saying, “Keep this baby safe, don’t disturb me for 2 hours,” and going and taking a nap. God I needed those.
For what it’s worth, at a little over a year ago, those early days are just a (pleasant — go figure) blur in my memory now.
Oh, as some others have posted about, I, too, nursed in a lazy boy (or equivalent) at night, and would let him fall asleep on me when we were done. I don’t know if this would be safe for Simone but in case you can (or will at some time in the future) be able to do it safely, FWIW, it did help me be marginally less sleep-deprived than I would otherwise have been. And the skin-to-skin sleeping mama-baby time was wonderful.
Our girl was the same way-she came home at 37 weeks (and 4 lbs on the dot) and when she hit the due date things got hairy. We had a cosleeper next to the bed, but I found we both actually got better sleep if she was actually in bed with me (the skin to skin was reassuring for both of us)-then she could nurse with wild abandon as I had mastered the art of side-lying nursing (which changes ones life). After a few months, we got her in the cosleeper, and by 4 months CGA, she was in her own crib and in her own room. She is a great sleeper to this day (just *not* a great eater; 21 lbs at 20 months…ho hum). I also nursed on demand those early months, and didn’t really have a schedule, and she started gaining weight at the clip of about 2.5 lbs a month (which I monitored neurotically with my rented Medela scale). The groove will reveal itself to you, and it will just fall into place somehow. And you ARE doing a great job. All that said, and you never catch up on the sleep. Not really.
You’re doing it right, my dear. You’ll be saying, ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?’ at regular intervals for the next several decades. In fact, I said the very same words over a homework protest just last night. And then I lost my rag. And then I felt guilty. And so the circle circles.
I second what your doc says. It may not look pretty, but you are doing a fab job. Simone’s major advantage is that she has such a realistic as well as funny mummy. Great combo. Keep rolling….
Those 2 picture sof her at the end are just adorable!
My son didn’t sleep through the night until about 18 months. I nurse him to sleep for both his nap and bedtime. I finally figured out when to tell that he asleep “enough” to move him although it still doesn’t work all the time. Also, he doesn’t need me to fall asleep. He can fall asleep on his own. BUt the nursing to sleep has it’s benefits…he asks to go to bed at night and asks for his nap becasue he will get to nurse then.
It will get easier. Hang in there!
She is just adorable, really, too cute for words! You’re doing an awesome job.
(And my offer to send a little box of clothes still stands if you’re interested.)
And the hard parts will get easier, I promise!
Simone is absolutely adorable!
When I brought my girls home from the NICU they both would get overstimulated *very* easily. The television at night was a big culprit, but really, anything could set them off to hyper mode. The smaller one would also get crazed when eating. Telling her to focus and calm down seemed to remind her of what she was there to do. Also, a sound machine has been our savior! The ocean sound is the perfect shhhing.
I know you have a lot of advice already, but here’s someting that may satisfy both you and Simon.
Buy one of those bassinets/cribs that attach to your bed. It’s basically an extension of your bed. You put the baby in there, and you can squeeze in part of your body to breastfeed lying down. When she falls asleep you do not need to move her. There is no danger of rolling over her, she has her own space, you have yours, and you can still attach the apnea monitor. Here’s one
http://www.babynewsonline.com/store/shop_product.php?UPC=10186
Good luck. (P.S. You will not roll over your baby, you will not squash her in the same bed! Unless you are passed out drunk or on crack cocaine, you are always aware of your baby. Just remove any heavy bedding or pillows from her vicinity and slumber away, together. Don’t torture yourself.)
I meant Simone not Simon. Sorry.
Our wee baby liked the sleeping wedgie to prop her up, with rolled towells on either side to act as bumpers to keep her in position, and keep the food down – it worked for months until she started trying to roll over. Rocking chair, never a bad idea, and the ocean sound machine still works at age two (and puts me to sleep when I put her to sleep). You’ll make it Flotsams! In a month this will all seem so hazy . . . as will that month!
I have a 5 week old daughter (full term). She does the *exact* same thing with her head. Hopefully this isn’t assvice but here what has worked for us: I give her my finger to suck on for a minute or so, until she calms down and then she usually latches without an issue.
Re: the milk rivers. Yeah, our believes that too. And not just of me. Of anyone, including my husband (she tried to latch onto his nose when he was snuggling her, a moment we recreated and photographed for our blog) and FiL.
You are doing so great. After having a baby that had extreme reflux (we didn’t know it was from food allergies and protiens he was getting through breastmilk) we fell in love with the AMBY BABY HAMMOCK!!!!! It helps reflux, sleep improves and babies are just happier. Check ebay you can get them cheaper.
I had IVF twins and lost my daughter, but have a surviving son. I have enjoyed reading about your daughter’s successes. You sound very happy and content.
Simone has the BEST clothes! Love all the red – just beautiful!
I haven’t read the other comments but I wanted to say that it is *okay* to sleep next to her for a while. I promise that if you do it safely, then things will be fine. I have two children that I’ve done this with. Sometimes it’s the only way to catch some rest. And all those naysayers have probably done it at least once if not more.
http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/cosleeping.asp
You can even take one side of the crib off and shove it next to the bed and fasten them together with those pull ties they sell at the hardware store. And then when she is asleep and finished eating instead of picking her up, just scootch her over to her own space. Or in desperate times, fling your body into the crib, nurse her to sleep, unlatch your breast and roll over for some sleep in your own space. Good luck!
De-lurking with a sleep suggestion, if you haven’t already tried it. Since she nurses to sleep, swaddle her and then nurse her. Make sure to rest her on a boppy pillow or something else comfortable for you to keep her there for a while. Once she appears to be asleep, unlatch her and then wait 5-10 minutes and then carefully transfer her to the crib. Obviously you’ll want to be near the crib when you do this. Hopefully the swaddle will keep her from startling awake and waiting after you unlatch will get her into a deeper sleep first. I had to do this a lot during my daughter’s early weeks, it worked a good amount of the time.
Sometimes I didn’t even bother with the transfer to the crib, I’d just lean back in the chair and sleep. I was too afraid to risk moving her. Don’t know what the professionals would say about the safety of that though.
Hang in there. Believe it or not the sleep stuff does get better.
please don’t call the SIDS police, but after two weeks I gave in and slept in the lazy-boy with baby attached. Until he was four months old. Only way we could both sleep for three hours straight! Helped his reflux as well. Best thing I ever did, it retrospect I can’t imagine giving up that time that was so fleeting and comforting for us both. Try your best, but do what feels right for you. Best wishes
okay, i’m delurking. that’s what the kids are calling it these days, right? :) i’m an early intervention physical therapist with no kids, so probably less qualified than any other commenter, but has that ever stopped me? noooooo. i can only say that i treat a LOT of preemies. and yours is extraordinarily beautiful, and lucky to have such a witty, chill, grounded mama. feel free to take none of this advice, but here’s what i got:
-re: sleeping position, refluxers nearly always want to be elevated/on a slant. i’m assuming the hospital told you at discharge to elevate one end of her crib mattress, but you never know, so thought i would mention it. the propping on the boppy idea sounds darn good to me too! provided it’s safe, of course.
-re: swaddling. get that gypsy to show you exactly how she swaddles, then have her watch you do it a couple times. i hope it starts working again! your little one sure sounds like she loves a swaddle. and the doorstop image is highly entertaining. :)
pssst. even more fun to read you b/c you live in the midwest. i’m a wisconsin girl at heart. :)
and just remember…you ARE doing a wonderful job. the love always comes through.
Longtime reader, first time commenter. I think.
You are so AWESOME, woman.
And your blog puts everyone else’s to shame.
I am such a huge fan.
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