When I was pregnant with Simone and her brother, I had two strong feelings about breastfeeding. One was that I really wanted it to work, and the second was that I would not feel guilty if it didn’t.
And then I gave birth fifteen weeks early. Providing food was one of the few concrete things I could do for my daughter, and I asked for a breast pump immediately after surgery. When I was wheeled to the NICU the next day, I proudly clutched two specimen containers each containing a teaspoon of milk. I was like the three wisemen, with the addition of a morphine pump and postpartum swelling. Myrrh schmyrrh—I come bearing colostrum! Take me to the child!
Even if you know better, it is hard not to feel guilty after ejecting a baby who weighs substantially less than your own liver. I felt that motherhood and I had gotten off on the wrong foot, and while I may have been laissez-faire about breastfeeding before Ames died, I was now determined to succeed. After all, I’d ended up with only half the babies I had expected. Surely “I’ll try” for two babies becomes “I will” with only one. Breast milk is important for preemies, both for the immunities it provides and because it reduces the risk of Necrotizing Enterocolitis. So for the next three months, I pumped, at the hospital and at home, filling my freezer with bags of milk arranged in neat rows by date.
Two months into her NICU stay, Simone was cleared to breastfeed, and once given the opportunity she lurched toward my chest and took it with gusto. Her mouth was still too small to latch effectively, so we used a nipple shield, and within a week she was taking full feedings from my very own bosom. Many premature infants have trouble learning to breastfeed, but my daughter has always been single-minded in her pursuit of food, and we became a kind of NICU sideshow that nurses and lactation consultants would travel hallways to see: the incredible nursing preemie!
And then, a month later, we brought that preemie home.
At first things were fine and then, abrubtly, they weren’t: my supply took a nosedive, and during feedings Simone began sobbing in frustration until we were both in tears, windmilling her arms and sometimes screaming until she couldn’t breathe. The nipple shield was no longer necessary, but any attempts to wean her from it were met with the rankest scorn.
I have been hesitant to post about this, because nothing brings out the “ire” in “Internet” like the subject of breastfeeding, but I just spent 70 minutes nursing, sixty of them punctuated by shrieks and deranged thrashing, mostly Simone’s. There was milk to be had—I could express it manually—but she was unimpressed, and eventually I gave her a small bottle I’d pumped this morning. She gulped it clean in ten minutes, sighing quietly between sucks, and I thought to myself: What am I doing? Why am I doing this to us?
At the risk of sounding like a woman defending her abusive husband, allow me to tell you that sometimes Simone and I have perfectly lovely feedings, wherein she nurses happily and neither cries nor hits me. But these are inevitably followed by one that traumatizes the both of us, and as much as I used to enjoy breastfeeding, now I am coming to dread it, not knowing which baby—the content, sighing model, or the version whose head spins at the mere suggestion of areola—I will get. And to be fair, Simone will occasionally scream just as loudly during a bottle feeding as she does at the breast.
Some of the screaming is caused by how contrary she is when hungry, but her anger at breastfeeding, I suspect, stems from both my low supply and the fact that after a month of three pediatrician-mandated bottles a day, she has cottoned on to the fact that with a bottle, the work to food ratio is much lower. I am not saying that bottles are evil, mind you. I like bottles. I doubt I would be adjusting to life with a baby so swimmingly were it not possible for Scott to handle the occasional feeding, so bottles are here to stay.
It is common to experience a decrease in supply around the three to four month mark, and mine coincided with the reappearance of my old nemesis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. One symptom was an upward creeping of the numbers on the scale, numbers which had remained steady since the return of my Lady Cycle eight weeks postpartum. The impetus for my recent return to the world of Points(tm) was more than my desire to lose weight, it was also conversations with a nurse and lactation consultant, both of whom suggested that skipping breakfast and subsisting on tea and pasta might be affecting my milk production, and both of whom thought the WeightWatchers plan for nursing mothers was an excellent one. And things have improved since two weeks ago. But they haven’t improved enough. I’ve considered exclusively pumping, because I can pump, prepare a bottle, and administer it in less time than it takes me to nurse. But I don’t know if I’m ready to give up on breastfeeding.
And then there’s the guilt. One of the lactation consultant’s suggestions was that I pump after every nursing session and then pump whenever Simone gets a bottle.
Woman, I thought to myself as I gaped at her, you have got to be kidding.
As it is, I have less than 90 minutes between feedings in which to go to the bathroom, eat, and write—forget the things I have let slip through the cracks, like bill-paying, laundry, and personal hygiene. You are high if you think I am going to pump after every breastfeeding session and then ruin my only four-hour stretch of sleep by waking when Scott gives Simone the midnight bottle. I get the distinct impression from breastfeeding advocates that they think I ought to lock myself in a room with only my baby, a hand-whittled nursing stool, and a tube of organic lanolin, not emerging until I have established exclusive, nipple-shield-free breastfeeding, but I am finding that as much as I want this to work, I am only willing to do so much. I take fenugreek. I pump twice a day, and I nurse for four or five feedings, each over an hour long. It’s not the path of least resistance, but it is the path of less resistance, and part of me feels like I should be trying harder. But the other part of me just wants less screaming and more time playing Crazy Arms, you know?
I should mention that as I type this Simone is sleeping against my chest in her sling looking cute as a goat. Which makes me think “Aww, never mind, it’s not so bad!” but I AM POSTING ANYWAY because I know this is infant trickery on her part, much like the way she is silent and angelic as soon as a childless guest enters the house in order to encourage the perpetuation of her tiny species. I’m on to you, baby.
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My mom was an LLL leader. I’m currently nursing a 20-month old. I am a firm believer in breastfeeding, that it is the right thing to do all things being equal.
BUT: SOMETIMES THINGS ARE NOT EQUAL. Nursing is a relationship, and like any relationship, it takes cooperation from at least two people to make it work. You need to keep your sanity, and Milk Lady needs some time to her damn self.
OF COURSE breast is best. OF COURSE exclusive shield-free nursing is the best of all possible worlds, when it is possible. But I’m with you on the Crazy Arms vs. Screaming equation, and if moving towards more pumping and less nursing is what makes that happen, then it’s what makes that happen. Feed your daughter in whatever way gets her fed.
And, as a pre-comment to anyone who comes in here all self-righteously yapping about nipple confusion or Evil Evil Bottles or “just nurse more!” or whatever, let me just remind you that Simone was born at twenty-five weeks and change, that it is a miracle and a half that any sort of breastfeeding relationship has been established at all, and that Simone’s DOCTORS — doctors who have ACTUALLY SEEN AND TREATED HER — have mandated the fortified bottle feedings. If things had been different; if Simone and Ames had been born healthy and at term, or even if Simone had been born eight weeks later, than things might be different. But they weren’t, and they’re not.
Every caring bonded mother knows what is best for her child. Trust your instincts, Alexa, and roll with the punches as best you can.
Ah, breastfeeding… The best of times, the worst of times.
My milk supply started dwindling around 4 months too and my daughter would do just like Simone. I’ve been taking all things homeopathic plus fenugreek tea and doing the milk dance to the gods… to no avail.
In Brazil doctors usually tell mothers to take metoclopramide, which I’ve been doing every 12 hours for the past ten days. I did work wonders, but I can’t live on that. Still, I’m struggling with the very idea of having to wean my 6 month-old. Guilt, sadness and an overall need to punch the next person that says breastfeeding is the easiest, most natural plug-and-play thing in the world. One of the best things I’ve ever done? Sure. Easy? Never.
Dude
I went through the EXACT same thing, starting at 5 months. We ended up weaning at 9 months. So I suffered for FOUR MONTHS and I hated myself and finally had to give myself permission to STOP. The Boy would nurse fine in the early mornings and at bedtime, but fought me tooth (har har, not until 11 months!) and nail the rest of the time.
It was exhausting and I hated myself and was scared to really talk about it with anyone for fear of being judged. Ah how I wish the Internets was as big in the Blogosphere back then as it is now.
Keep on trucking if you want to, but it’s all good if you don’t. You’ve gotten her through the most critical time, so SCORE!
You are going to get a lot of comments from people who persevered through misery and loved breast feeding and are so glad they did it.
So I will just say that I have a whole category over my way called “I hate breast feeding,” should you need support if you decide you want to stop dreading feeding your child.
I don’t even need to leave a comment other than to say “everything Kathryn said” because she said it all!
Alexa you rock. You are an amazing mom and you and Simone will figure this out. This is from a mom who uses breast and bottle with her own baby due to low supply. I’ve done the fenugreek thing and have now resorted to domperidone. I’ll let you know if it helps. I’m just on day one.
p.s. I’m here from my new blog.
Being 18 some years past breastfeeding my own daughter, perhaps I should just shut up but I just want to give you a little pat on the back and say, “You do what’s right for you and Simone. And you (and Simone) have a better idea of what’s right for you than anyone else.”
You do what gives you the most happy time with your daughter. Life’s too short, and your baby’s grown too fast, to spend much time with an Exorcist baby if you don’t have to.
You know, there is always a line a person is not willing to cross. I loved BF my first. Only quit at 9 months b/c I was working and I couldn’t stand the pumping any more. Loved it with my 2nd too — until at 6 months she started fighting me, nursing deteriorated, supply nose-dived — you get the picture. Not uncommon at that age to be too interested to nurse — but when I researched how to get past that stage (which consisted of either (a) pumping many, many times a day) or (b) letting her nurse all night long), I thought, “you must be f*ing kidding me.” So even for me, super-zealous BF’er that I was, there was a point at which it was no longer worth it. She was weaned by 7 months.
All of which is to say, that point comes at a different place for everyone. Some people never get pushed to that limit — some find it at 2 weeks old. Whenever you get to your limit (or if you never do) — it will be FINE.
Breast feeding is hard. Duh. I quit after 4 months when a. ) my DD decided she only wanted to nurse off my right boob and screamed holy hell when I offered my left (unless it was in the middle of the night and she was half asleep) and b.) firmly rejected any sort of bottle after taking one happily since she way 3 days old. Drove me out of my skull and in my sleep deprived stupor, I declared, I quit. Bottles for you from now on, enough of this. You are the momma, you can decide what is best for you AND what is best for your screaming demanding precious child. Whatever you decide she will be fine with it, I am sure.
First child = 3lbs 9oz. Breastfed and/or manually pumped for 3 months…unsatisfied baby…WIC formula = happy baby, happy momma.
Second child = 3lbs 8oz. (11 years later). Pumped for 11 months, nursing never quite took off and I don’t think we ever had a complete meal from the breast. But, he got breastmilk exclusively until his ped. gave the all clear to go straight to cow’s milk and skip the formula.
All this to say…do whatever works and don’t beat yourself up about it. If you have the desire and supply, continue to pump and continue to try to breastfeed. (Eating oatmeal helped my supply while pumping, though it may not for everyone). If you’re miserable and Simone is not getting satisfied, then formula does *not* equal failure. It is merely a different means to the same end: nourishing a growing, beautiful, healthy baby.
Best wishes.
De-lurking to say – I think Sarah R. said it all (how’s that for laziness on my part!). I’m a firm believer in the life’s too short philosophy and you’ve already done such a good job giving her the best start possible.
Infant trickery – it’s so true. I have a 6 week old myself and he’s the master at perfect baby disguises!
ps – I love your blog, love the way you write and so glad you have Miss Simone in your life now.
I have 4 children, 2 were exclusively bottle-fed, 2 exclusively breastfed. They are all smart (or at least smart ass), charming, compassionate, not likely to be serial killers, bonded to me and only hate me as much as they should.
Do what works for you and Simone. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Don’t worry about what you should do, do what you can do and make peace with it.
My oldest is going on 17, and sincerely, from this end infancy is so short. Enjoy it, it will be gone before you know it. And the parts you hate? They will be gone before you know it too.
Enjoy your beautiful baby, do whatever makes you both as happy as possible.
My goodness, Woman, you’ve done a hell of a job thus far. If you decide to keep at it, then more power to you. If you decide you and Simone have had enough, then surely you’ll feel some guilt, but it will pass and you and Simone may just be a bit more peaceful. No need to beat yourself up or second guess yourself.
I don’t think my milk ever came in properly as I had an emergency c-section and didnt’ get to hold my baby until he was two weeks old. I pumped a lot, but I just never really made a lot of milk.
I will add one thing that may or may not be coming into play here. My son was recently given the all-clear to have thin liquids at ten months. I was over-joyed to skip the thickener. Only problem was nobody told Charlie that he didn’t need it any more. He prefers his milk thickened and we’ve had to wean him off of it very slowly–he’s getting about 25% of what he was getting before at Nectar consistency. Perhaps Simone is simply showing a preference for that thicker milk?
Anyway, I tried to pump until the three month mark when I couldn’t keep up at all with his demand. I felt super-guilty, but life goes on. AS much as you can do is as much as you can do and no one should demand any more than that.
Parenting a new baby is hard enough when everything goes perfectly – please take a moment to pat yourself on the back for how well you have coped so far. You will figure out what is right for you and Simone and then you will do that because parenthood is a lifetime of feeling your way, experimenting and doing what feels right in the end.
I haven’t read any of the comments, but *if* you want to keep breastfeeding (which I did, because I was an emotional sadomasochist, having lost a twin too.. nursing was a very loaded thing) – forget everything anyone ever tells you about pumping more, or magical east indian herbs, or drinking water, or la leche support groups or latching diagnostics.
Run, don’t walk, to your doctor and ask for Domperidone, a lovely, teensy little pill that boosts your supply in a matter of a day or so. Simone will be drinking from a firehose, I promise you: for me, knowing I had milky bazongas took away so much stress for us both. Domperidone is safe, and you decide when you’ve gotten over the dry spell (and thus stop taking it). I took it for two spells, about three weeks each time. It worked beautifully. No angst whatsoever, except for the fact that Ben nursed like a frigging dog with a bone. RRRAAAGGH.
Anyway, this is all assuming that you’re 1) looking for advice, and 2) keen to keep it up. Do whatever you need to get calories into that girl – and if it happens to be your emotional ideal, then that’s gravy. If not? Pour yourself a nice, stiff drink and treat yourself to a proper underwire bra and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
xo
I think it’s amazing what you have accomplished. A friend of mine had a preemie (28 weeker) who never took to nursing. My friend pumped round the clock for the first year of his life. I pumped when I went back to work (and beforehand trying to build my stash) and hated it. My supply sucked, it took forever, it HURT, and I was gulping oatmeal and fenugreek every other hour.
I ended up having to fold and give the girl a bottle of formula a day, and the stupid part of it? I felt guilty. Guilty! FOR FEEDING MY CHILD.
It’s insane the guilt and angst that surrounds feeding babies. Feeding is what’s important, not the method. I support either method, just not those that look down their nose at the other side for whatever reason. We’re already our worst critics, we don’t need other mother’s coming down on each other.
You’ve done good, Mama. And you know what’s best for your girl.
Hey Alexa, I nursed both my girls with nipple shields (hello, inverted nipples!), and for 8 mo with one and 13 mo with the other….while working full time. The first time around I beat myself up about it b/c I thought it was affecting my supply, her latch. blah blah blah. But she would not nurse w/o it. The 2nd time around I tried (half heartedly) to nurse w/o it, but again she could not latch, and I was more c’est la vie about it. And it went better. Also, for supply issues, please look into domperidone — it works like a dream. You have to have it made at a compounding pharmacy (at least you do here in WI), but man oh man does it work great. If you can’t do that, I had some good luck with fenugreek (but then your milk and baby stink like maple syrup). And if you are done with nursing, that’s ok too. You’ve done awesomely great already!
I BF’d my two children — the first for 8 months (quit because of a work out-of-town thing) and the second for 11 months. With both, right along the 4 month mark, I experienced the same thing as you — supply nose-dived, kids took a growth spurt, and I was frantic. I don’t mind a bottle, I mean heck, my kids both took bottles during the day when I was working, but it was breastmilk. I am too cheap to buy formula if I can “pump it for free.” (Considering the cost of a good pump, and the bags, and the other supplies, plus the time, hassle, etc, not sure if it is really truly more “economical). Cheapness aside, I researched (i.e. Googled) and found someplace that sold Domperidone/Motillium. Loved it. Two days on it, my supply was back up to engorgement stages. Good for you, good for the baby. It worked great for me, and our relationship was back on track, so to speak. It may not work for you. Trust me — in the mommy grading game, I’m not sure this really scores all that high in the long run.
I just want to put this out there, because you may never hear it from another source, but we’ve NEVER nursed without the shield successfully (unless you count that ONE time) And we’re going on 14 months. Seriously, no, not kidding. No really. And my supply has been fine, pumping for full time job and daycare and all. There were dips, but I pumped one extra time in the AM, and froze, and we were good.
That being said, do what is best for your, and only you. Full boob, part boob, no boob. You’ve already done more than most, and everyone is better for it, but no need to kill yourself.
whew, there are some things Simone is right on track with!! We also went through the dark and screamy time with nursing at about 4 months… I was lucky, he recovered after a couple weeks, and we are still nursing several months later. But oh, man, it’s so frustrating, particularly that bit about not knowing which baby you will get at a feeding. I used to get all freaked out about it, and then when we sat down to nurse, Bonzo was a little angel and my husband/mother/well-meaning neighbor would look at me like I was crazy for not wanting to nurse my baby. Ah, good times.
Anyway, whatever works for the two of you, you go for it.
Alexa, you are awesome!!
I am the mom to three BF kids- the first one 6 weeks with supplements, the second one 8 months, no supplements. The third, well that was a whole
“other story”. Very severe Jaundice, told to stop BF, but my stubborn self would not give up.
I rented the hospital grade pump, with awful results, but after the jaudice resolved, I BF that baby for 18 months.
Might I add that this was in 1982, you know, back when dinosaurs ruled the earth.
My children are now 34, 30, and 26, and could care NOT A WHIT how they were fed as infants. As a matter of fact, if I ever tried to discuss this, I would get major “rolling of the eyes”.
I truly believe in BF. You have given Simone an awesome start…..but….
15 years from now she will not give a rat’s ass as to how she was fed as an infant.
Hang in there Alexa. Whatever decision you make for you and that beautiful daughter of yours is the right one..
Hugs from…
Grandma Debbie
I love the funny ending of this post. I say forget what ANYONE says about the reasons to or not to breastfeed. You have to do what is right for your baby AND for you. Being a good mother is also about being a happy woman. I think anyone who says you have to sacrifice everything for the sake of your children, become some sort of automaton… well, they probably need a hug and some strong whisky.
Alexa my dear, you’ll get no prizes for suffering. Your aim is a contented, well-fed baby, and if that means resorting to a bottle – so what. You have done amazingly well to get this far with bf and there should be no shame or sense of failure attached to stopping now if that’s what happens. Give yourself a break. You have been on an emotional and physical rollercoaster for so long that a bit of good old coasting along wouldn’t come amiss!
I nursed all 3 of my kids to 15, 17.5 and 20 months(I just weaned him saturday) and I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding. Sometimes I get opintionated about it when I hear moms saying “I could have breastfed, but it wasn’t worth the hassle” Because I hate that some woman thinks of her child as a hassle. Its not my business if she breastfeeds…but I get pissy on behalf of her child.
THAT SAID…I think you’ve done amazing…and you don’t need me or anyone else to tell you that. You’re daughter is a survivor and she’s lucky that her mom has care enough…hassled enough to give her what she can. Given the amount of stress I am sure you’ve been under…the sheer emotions that must be burbling around…I think its phenominal that you have done so well.
Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty…especially yourself…if and when you wean Simone from breastfeeding…it will be whats right for you both.
She’s adorable…you’re doing a great job.
Ugh. Been there, done that, minus the 25-weeker who would actually nurse (we got ONE WHOLE FEED!!! the entire time I tried to convince her that really, boob was better for all of us).
A thought – could her cannula be irritating her nose when she’s nursing? I thought this might have been part of S’s problems with nursing. Don’t know why that might show up now rather than earlier, but it might be worth looking into.
Do what is best for both of you, and by “best” I mean getting calories into the child and you not going completely out of your gourd. Guilt is not your friend, blah blah blah.
Hang in there, whatever you do.
In my experience with breastfeeding, which was largely successful but ended too soon for my taste, was that at the end of the day you will likely remember mostly the good times and also any guilt if things did not go smoothly or go as long as you would have liked.
Just remember that you did. Pumping continually is cruelty, in my opinion; that you don’t go to that nth level of sacrifice for a bit more boob juice merely means you will remain level headed and sane for your child. Sanity really should be more of a priority.
I ended up quitting nursing earlier than I originally planned due to the decreased milk supply issue. It was pretty emotional for me even though I didn’t love breastfeeding.
Whatever you do, you are doing what is best for you and your daughter given the information and experiences you have had. Don’t feel guilty if you end up quitting. And, if you are able to continue, good for you lasting as long as you have.
Sometimes you just do what you can. I made it to six months with my daughter, and we went through numerous fighting stages. It seemed like they were during growth spurts, but who knows. At four months my supply diminished and it pretty much quit at six. If you can get through it, great. If not, don’t feel guilty. You do what you can. I have PCOS as well, and I definately felt like that might have played a role. It supposedly causes an oversupply in some women, but I think that may have been why my supply diminished.
I’m easily nursing my 2 1/2 year old, but it took a full YEAR for breastfeeding to be easy. Was it worth it? Oh, who knows. Just do whatever works best for the two of you!
Delurking to join the chorus of support – you are doing a good job, under very challenging circumstances. You will continue to do a good job, because you love that baby. Everything else is just details.
Ian was never a good breastfeeder – jaundiced, couldn’t stay awake, combative when he was hungry. We did syringe feeding for weeks, then went to bottle, and I felt pretty bad about it – couldn’t I have tried harder? – but there was really no choice, as he needed to eat.(between pumping and finger-feeding every 90 to 120 minutes, getting calories in this kid was a full-time job for both of us.) Husband and I quickly decided our priorities:
He must eat enough
He must eat good stuff (for us, that turned out to be about 80% pumped milk, supplimented with soy formula)
and the delivery system was immaterial.
(Shockingly, he actually learned to latch great at 3 about months! After months on the bottle! He enjoyed breastfeeding for about 5 months, then started to fight again…and at that point, he was eating solids and when my supply dipped, I said “fine” and tapered off pumping.)
You’re doing a great job.
I’m sorry for posting this piercing glimpse into the obvious, but it actually took me a while to figure this out when I was nursing my firstborn (born at 4lbs. 2 oz). I am now nursing baby #3 (11 months old), and it really makes a big difference how much water you drink. Tea, for instance, is a diuretic, and will cause you to pee out fluid which might otherwise be channelled into the boobs. Coffee likewise. You need to drink lots of glasses of water throughout the day, Also (and the nurses in my prenatal class gave us this tip, so please don’t lynch me for passing it on), beer which still contains live brewers yeast will aid in the milk production. Guiness is reputed to be very good, although I’m not much of a stout drinker myself. You could check out your local microbrewery though. A pleasant (and relaxing) way to boost the milk production….
I have breastfed my three daughters, and I had supply issues with each one. Pumping helped, but I still had to wean them earlier than I wanted to because their skinny little selves kept falling off the weight charts. So I understand what you are going through.
When I weaned each of my girls, the relief of finally being able to feed them as much as they wanted was so great that it obliterated any mommy guilt or pressure from the lactivists. There is peace in seeing your baby full and content, and I would wean them early again in a heartbeat, no matter who gets judgmental about it.
“what works for you as a family” has been some of the best advice ever given me, one that has guided me through some pretty complex decisions with my husband and twins. So I’ll just add that to the waves of encouragement found in the above comments.
One piece of potentially valuable information in case you decide to pursue breastfeeding a while longer: the midwife who saved my reproductive life suggested that I drink a product called Oat Milk to enhance my milk supply. Turns out it’s tasty. The most common brand is Pacific, and it’s found in the soy milk/rice milk section of your local natural foods store, or Whole Foods, or your local food coop. It really did seem to help with supply for me.
I echo everyone else when I say: you’ve done the most important thing already. Now whatever happens will be fine.
It’s amazing that you’ve done so much already. You know yourself and Simone best. Breast might be best, but you are the momma so YOU get to make that determination for yourself. Many of us from our generation were bottle-fed from our first feeding and we grew up happy and healthy.
I am just winding up the last few days of lactating for my 10 month old. Breastfeeding sessions were bad for her first three months – low supply, PPD for me, etc. She decided that she only wanted either the breast, or the bottle – none of this switching back and forth for her – which was inconvenient since I didn’t have enough supply to make her gain any weight whatsoever! She did the screaming thing. I can remember getting SO MAD at her! It was really tough for me. Finally we decided that we would give up the nursing part and just give her the bottle. I pumped and got about 8 oz/day (total, through about 6 pumping sessions) until I started taking Domperidone. It’s really a miracle drug without some of the Reglan (metaclopramide) side effects. I ordered it from New Zealand off the internet. After I started taking domperidone I got about 20-24 oz daily which was pretty incredible for me.
Now, after 7 months with no side effects from domperidone, I’ve decided that enough is enough. It really wasn’t so bad – pumping and giving her the bottle – once I started taking domperidone, but I’ve had one too many plugged milk duct by now. Plus she’s at a really fun age, so I’d rather spend that time interacting with her and growing her brain that way.
Eliminating the nursing stress but still being able to provide breast milk made it worthwhile for me somehow. I don’t know how I found a way to make it work for myself for that long, but I did. I can’t imagine that way would work for everyone but it might work for some.
The biggest thing I learned is that it doesn’t all or nothing. I thought if I stopped physically nursing her that my supply would go down to nothing and she would never get breast milk again. Now I know that if you pump and/or nurse a few times a day and give her a little breast milk for a while, it won’t spell the end of your supply! You can always boost it again if you absolutely want to. And, you know, are willing to order semi-illegal drugs off the internet. And all that.
Oh, and the other thing I learned is that getting mad about the nursing thing was actually good momma training! It felt shameful back then to get so frustrated with her, but I learned the valuable lesson that it’s ok for her to do frustrating things and ok for me to get irritated or mad about it. I really notice the difference in the way I interact with her now when she does frustrating things (such as refusing to let me change her poopy diapers because she wants to be crawling around). I feel like I can roll with it really well, because of all we went through nursing, whereas my husband is just now learning the lesson. So, it’s an opportunity for more momma training (not that you need it because you’re doing great).
You have done a wonderful job this far and keep doing whatever feels right to you. I am unable(no supply..none..zip…zero) to breastfeed and all my boys 6,3,4m were/are bottle babies and are just fine. I figure as long as they are healthy and happy, and have a happy mommy then that is what is important.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide and remember it is what is best for you and Simone.
I’m going to post because I can’t not, though I’m sure that the last thing you need is more advice. That said – if you *want* to keep breastfeeding, or *want* to keep pumping, and are having issues with supply, please look online for domperidone/motilium.
I went from pumping 8 times during a workday (seriously – I’m surprised I wasn’t fired for not actually working) and getting 12 ounces, to pumping 3 times a day and getting 18 ounces. And when breastfeeding had a milk drunk baby on a consistent basis.
And, big advantage – my period said bye bye and hasn’t come back (I’m at 10.5 months), although I think it’s on its way now that I’m down to 10mg twice a day.
Anyhow, having a bigger supply might make life easier for Simone, or at least help you pump more faster, so that you can keep giving her breastmilk, even if you supplement.
Best of luck.
Kat
I’m a veteran of the nursing wars, and I have one BTDT thing to add that no one else has: you should get your thyroid checked. If you have post-partum thyroiditis, your thyroid levels will be on the way down — and so will your supply. Your weight creeping up could also signal this. My advice is to have a blood test, no matter you decide about nursing.
good luck to you both,
Amy
Ugh. I drove myself INSANE with the breastfeeding issue. It was a challenge for us from day one and continues to evolve into new challenges. The day I finally agreed to supplement with 8-10 ounces of formula a day, I cried for two days. Until I started talking to non-internet moms. Online one would not be mistaken for assuming that everyone breastfeeds and it is the easiest and greatest thing ever. But I fell in with a circle of new moms in my own little hamlet and I was shocked to discover how many of then supplemented with formula and thought nothing of it. Online moms, when you have a question, will send you right to kellymom.com because the people that often answer the breastfeeding questions seem to be the ones that don’t have a lot of breastfeeding problems to overcome. Kellymom is a great resource for breastfeeding, but that site always leaves me feeling like a tremendous asshole because I never found breastfeeding all that enjoyable and dutifully continued because I refused to believe that any other way was ok. Offline moms, when you have a question about breastfeeding, grab your shoulder, pat it and tell you to get through your day any way that you can FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. My son is now 6 months old and his diet is now about 70 percent breastmilk and 30 percent formula. He’s really fighting the teat as of late and if it continues, I don’t know if I have the energy to keep fighting for a nursing relationship with him. I can’t pump worth a damn, so he may get more formula. I’m so tired of this whole formula/breastmilk bruhaha. I feel for you. Sincerely!
32 week preemie. Pumped for three months because he never latched on. Quit doing that. Felt horrible for not continuing on despite the pain, despite the pathological fear of nighttime when the screaming and non-eating was especially bad.
Took me about a month and I was over it. He’s fine; great, in fact. Simone will be fine. When Mama’s happy, everyone’s happy.
Be good to yourself! Don’t spend time beating yourself up, it just does no good. That being said, I loved to suffer over BF issues – my 3lb2oz daughter was not good at it, needed a shield, never got great at it and gave it up at 8 months, but being stubborn I pumped for 7 more months, until I started trying to conceive again. The pumping I could do, and I did do, and the one good thing about it was when I was pumping the Daddy had babykins, and I would read. I missed my reading time so much, so I got good at holding two boobie bottles in one hand so I could turn pages and snack with the other. I’m pretty sure you could blog while pumping handsfree, if you can stand the pump.
But you get to make the call – I also said ease and naturally being good at BF were motherhood’s dirty little secrets. Don’t be suckered into feeling bad!
Remember when you were pregnant and you didn’t feel real, you felt like a fake pregnant mommy and freaked out in stores? And some of that baggage you have been able to drop off by now, because your life is pretty damn real indeed? You have earned the right to forgive yourself.
I can totally sympathise! I have a 20 week daughter, who was 6 weeks early and a NICU baby. I tried until she was 16 weeks to breastfeed, including the use of shields and a supply line (a bottle connected to a tube that goes to the breast.) I had a lower milk supply and my daughter seemed to prefer the bottle as it was less work. I also have PCOS but didn’t realise until week 17 that it is a factor in low milk supply. I express three to four times a day and supplement two feeds with formula a day, but every day. I wanted her to have breast milk because I also felt it was the one thing I could give her when she was sick. It’s very tiring, especially as I get up in the night to do it, but I feel good about it. I am taking Motili.um which is a medication for digestive problems but a side effect is lactation. It gives me about 100 to 150 mls extra per day. I found fenugreek worked initially but then it kind of dropped off with its effectiveness.
I just wanted to say you are doing so well and congrats on your beautiful daughter!!
Have you thought about metformin? Fenugreek, oatmeal, beer, and metformin saved my PCOS butt. We’ll have been nursing a year on Friday. And I had a hellish start – nine days before any white milk came in and I did the pump after each feeding and with each bottle, but I don’t get milk when I pump.
You might step back and just try to get through each day. Tell yourself you’ll decide in the morning whther or not you want to continue. That was the only way I made it through the six or eight weeks of “But I’d rather have a bottle and its fast milk, you wicked shrew!” I got from my son.
Good luck whatever you decide!
This is off-topic – but when I saw the baby feet photo in your “I Like It” list – I wondered if you were familiar with this poem by Edgar A. Guest.
http://www.sofinesjoyfulmoments.com/quotes/babyfeet.htm
and speaking of baby poems – here is my favorite….
http://www.bartleby.com/246/315.html
ps – you are an amazing mother & writer!
My one and only (full term) is now age 33 and a former breastfeeding mom herself (4 kids ages 10, 8, 6 and 3). I recall not having very much milk starting at about 3 to 4 months as well, and she weaned herself at about age 9 months, which made me feel like a failure. But….she was fine. Kathryn way above, said it all and I agree with her. I agree with what most everyone has said here: Do what is best for you and Simone. She’ll be fed and nurtured, whether it’s breast milk or formula.
My late mom told me once that at about 3 months of age, doctors figured out that I was allergic to cow’s milk, so my mom attempted to bring her breast milk back in, but could not. So….I was fed soy milk way back when (I’m age 57 now). Mom said it was scarce, expensive and hard to find. However, I made it too.
Simone will make it. Do what’s best for both (or all 3) of you so you can have some peace and enjoy your baby before she grows up.
PS: I just had a thought…..goat’s milk is much richer than cow’s milk and has a similar flavor (I’ve tried it). How about considering goat’s milk for Simone. It’s pricey and a little hard to find, but available.
Just an after thought. ;)
My opinion is that mother knows best. Certainly if she is still getting breast milk whether by bottle or not she will be fine. Do what feels right and the rest will fall in place.
Lurker here …
First comment …. In order for baby to be happy mama has to be happy. So do what you need to do in order to make mama happy … the rest will follow.
I have two kids … both were breastfed babies. One thing I want to point out is that there will be multiple times during your breastfeeding relationship with Simone that it will just seem like too much work. It is this way for everyone and if they say different they are likely viewing the past from a perch several years in the future. There will be times that you will just need to get through this period. The reward will be immense.
Lastly, I don’t know much about PCOS and its affects on lactation. However, if your cycles have returned low calcium could be an issue for you. This caused me all sorts of milk supply issues with my son. See the following … in fact go to kellymom.com if you haven’t and browse around.
Low milk supply associated with menstruation: Calcium/magnesium supplement
Some women experience a drop in milk supply from ovulation (mid-cycle) until the first day or two of the next menstrual period. A woman’s blood calcium levels gradually decrease during this period of time, and for some women the drop in blood calcium causes a drop in milk supply. For women who have this problem, calcium/magnesium supplements may be helpful. This practice has also been reported to eliminate most uterine cramping and some premenstrual discomfort such as water retention.
The recommended calcium supplement dosage is between 500 mg calcium/250 mg magnesium and 1500 mg calcium/750 mg magnesium (the higher dosage is generally more effective). Calcium dosages this high should not be taken alone, but as a calcium/magnesium (or calcium/magnesium/zinc) combination. Otherwise the calcium will not be adequately absorbed into your body. The amount of supplement depends on the composition of your diet — the more animal protein, the more calcium/magnesium needed. If you are a vegetarian or vegan, the lower dosage may work fine for you.
Start the supplement when you ovulate, and continue through the first few days of your menstrual period. If periods are irregular, then begin calcium/magnesium at 14 days after the beginning of your last menstrual cycle, or simply take the supplement every day.
Another (past) extended-BFing Mom agreeing that you gotta do what works for you. Like some of the other posters, I have been know to get a little pissy with the Moms who “couldn’t be bothered” to BF as I strongly believe that breast is indeed best.
HOWEVER… you have been “bothered”… you have tried damned hard to make it work (and have already given her a fabulous start!) Stressing over this will not help your supply or your parenting.
My kids both nursed till they were 2yo; that’s MY experience and I wouldn’t have it any other way. YOUR experience is different in so many ways… as long as little miss pudgy cheeks (gad I LOVE those cheeks!) is getting enough to eat, and you are both (relatively) sane; that’s all that matters!!!
NO MORE GUILT!!!!
I couldn’t get through your whole post because it was making me weepy. I remember that all too well. I was trying to nurse DS, who screamed and cried. I cried out of frustration and pain. I couldn’t get in touch with a LC because apparently people don’t need them on weekends. After days of trying and listening to my DS scream, I gave the bottle. All of this as I was getting a massive infection and running a temp of over 104.
I wish I could say I never looked back, but I felt such immense guilt (and still do to some extent). I tried relactating at 6 weeks but that didn’t work out either. Fenugreek, I think, caused me some horrible cramping.
Anyway, you do what you have to do to stay sane. Pumping, and nursing, and bottle feeding… it’s nuts. I tried it and like you said, you have to have time to eat and shower.
((hugs))
Guilt, shmilt. Fuck the internets, and do what you need to do to stay sane. Happy mom, happy baby. Period.
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