When I was pregnant with Simone and her brother, I had two strong feelings about breastfeeding. One was that I really wanted it to work, and the second was that I would not feel guilty if it didn’t.
And then I gave birth fifteen weeks early. Providing food was one of the few concrete things I could do for my daughter, and I asked for a breast pump immediately after surgery. When I was wheeled to the NICU the next day, I proudly clutched two specimen containers each containing a teaspoon of milk. I was like the three wisemen, with the addition of a morphine pump and postpartum swelling. Myrrh schmyrrh—I come bearing colostrum! Take me to the child!
Even if you know better, it is hard not to feel guilty after ejecting a baby who weighs substantially less than your own liver. I felt that motherhood and I had gotten off on the wrong foot, and while I may have been laissez-faire about breastfeeding before Ames died, I was now determined to succeed. After all, I’d ended up with only half the babies I had expected. Surely “I’ll try” for two babies becomes “I will” with only one. Breast milk is important for preemies, both for the immunities it provides and because it reduces the risk of Necrotizing Enterocolitis. So for the next three months, I pumped, at the hospital and at home, filling my freezer with bags of milk arranged in neat rows by date.
Two months into her NICU stay, Simone was cleared to breastfeed, and once given the opportunity she lurched toward my chest and took it with gusto. Her mouth was still too small to latch effectively, so we used a nipple shield, and within a week she was taking full feedings from my very own bosom. Many premature infants have trouble learning to breastfeed, but my daughter has always been single-minded in her pursuit of food, and we became a kind of NICU sideshow that nurses and lactation consultants would travel hallways to see: the incredible nursing preemie!
And then, a month later, we brought that preemie home.
At first things were fine and then, abrubtly, they weren’t: my supply took a nosedive, and during feedings Simone began sobbing in frustration until we were both in tears, windmilling her arms and sometimes screaming until she couldn’t breathe. The nipple shield was no longer necessary, but any attempts to wean her from it were met with the rankest scorn.
I have been hesitant to post about this, because nothing brings out the “ire” in “Internet” like the subject of breastfeeding, but I just spent 70 minutes nursing, sixty of them punctuated by shrieks and deranged thrashing, mostly Simone’s. There was milk to be had—I could express it manually—but she was unimpressed, and eventually I gave her a small bottle I’d pumped this morning. She gulped it clean in ten minutes, sighing quietly between sucks, and I thought to myself: What am I doing? Why am I doing this to us?
At the risk of sounding like a woman defending her abusive husband, allow me to tell you that sometimes Simone and I have perfectly lovely feedings, wherein she nurses happily and neither cries nor hits me. But these are inevitably followed by one that traumatizes the both of us, and as much as I used to enjoy breastfeeding, now I am coming to dread it, not knowing which baby—the content, sighing model, or the version whose head spins at the mere suggestion of areola—I will get. And to be fair, Simone will occasionally scream just as loudly during a bottle feeding as she does at the breast.
Some of the screaming is caused by how contrary she is when hungry, but her anger at breastfeeding, I suspect, stems from both my low supply and the fact that after a month of three pediatrician-mandated bottles a day, she has cottoned on to the fact that with a bottle, the work to food ratio is much lower. I am not saying that bottles are evil, mind you. I like bottles. I doubt I would be adjusting to life with a baby so swimmingly were it not possible for Scott to handle the occasional feeding, so bottles are here to stay.
It is common to experience a decrease in supply around the three to four month mark, and mine coincided with the reappearance of my old nemesis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. One symptom was an upward creeping of the numbers on the scale, numbers which had remained steady since the return of my Lady Cycle eight weeks postpartum. The impetus for my recent return to the world of Points(tm) was more than my desire to lose weight, it was also conversations with a nurse and lactation consultant, both of whom suggested that skipping breakfast and subsisting on tea and pasta might be affecting my milk production, and both of whom thought the WeightWatchers plan for nursing mothers was an excellent one. And things have improved since two weeks ago. But they haven’t improved enough. I’ve considered exclusively pumping, because I can pump, prepare a bottle, and administer it in less time than it takes me to nurse. But I don’t know if I’m ready to give up on breastfeeding.
And then there’s the guilt. One of the lactation consultant’s suggestions was that I pump after every nursing session and then pump whenever Simone gets a bottle.
Woman, I thought to myself as I gaped at her, you have got to be kidding.
As it is, I have less than 90 minutes between feedings in which to go to the bathroom, eat, and write—forget the things I have let slip through the cracks, like bill-paying, laundry, and personal hygiene. You are high if you think I am going to pump after every breastfeeding session and then ruin my only four-hour stretch of sleep by waking when Scott gives Simone the midnight bottle. I get the distinct impression from breastfeeding advocates that they think I ought to lock myself in a room with only my baby, a hand-whittled nursing stool, and a tube of organic lanolin, not emerging until I have established exclusive, nipple-shield-free breastfeeding, but I am finding that as much as I want this to work, I am only willing to do so much. I take fenugreek. I pump twice a day, and I nurse for four or five feedings, each over an hour long. It’s not the path of least resistance, but it is the path of less resistance, and part of me feels like I should be trying harder. But the other part of me just wants less screaming and more time playing Crazy Arms, you know?
I should mention that as I type this Simone is sleeping against my chest in her sling looking cute as a goat. Which makes me think “Aww, never mind, it’s not so bad!” but I AM POSTING ANYWAY because I know this is infant trickery on her part, much like the way she is silent and angelic as soon as a childless guest enters the house in order to encourage the perpetuation of her tiny species. I’m on to you, baby.
{ 132 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
Next Comments →
I had low supply from the get-go, and I tried EVERYTHING, including the insane pumping schedule your LC recommended. For several weeks, I fed and pumped 12-14x/day EACH. And my son still lost weight. I can’t tell you how crushing that was. And I still felt so guilty, even though everyone around me was super-supportive. When the LCs tell you it’s time to supplement, though, there ain’t much you can do.
If you feel like trying things to boost supply, there’s fenugreek and domperidone, which you can get from an internet pharmacy in Vanuatu (no joke). It works great for some people. Didn’t do jack for me, and I was on it for 9 weeks at the max dosage. I may be making this up, but I seem to recall it works well for PCOSers. Anyone know for sure on that?
But if you decide to call it quits, that is a totally sane decision. Parenting involves MUCH MORE than feeding. Eventually, I did give up my partial-breastfeeding ways (which meant nursing, giving a bottle, and pumping each session) since all of my interactions with my son involved feeding, and that gets to be unfulfilling for everyone.
Oh, darling, those lactation consultants can be an evil bunch. Let me tell you. Please don’t give what you are doing a second thought. YOU ARE THE MOMMY and you know best. (even if no one else agrees)
I had a horrible time pumping, so my problem was almost directly opposite of yours. My 1st..no problem…#2…slight problem…#3…no milk in sight. My production also quit or almost quit by about 4 months with all my kids. You do what you need to so you can provide Simone with some mommy love. If it includes bottles exclusively, then so be it.
Blessings to you…mommy! :)
I too have pumped while the wee one was in the NICU, twice now, and used a nipple shield. I know what you mean about breastmilk being all you can give your preemie while in the NICU, and that first tube-feeding with YOUR MILK is a momentous occasion. It’s like, “Hey, I guess I *am* a mother after all!” At least for me it was. That said, the process of pumping and nipple shielding and then shield-free feeding is a LOT OF WORK, to say the f-ing least, so give yourself a lot of credit.
If your blog is any reflection of your true life experience, you have really handled this long, godforsaken experience, from A to Z, with amazing strength and determination. It’s okay to let this go, hard as it may be. You do not need any more stress than you already have/ have had. I just had a baby at 31 weeks, and before that I had twins at 34 weeks – would’ve been great, but the one twin was back at the PICU just 3 days after his NICU month stay, and he went on to have health issues his whole first year of life (he’s okay now). If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that even when you have a kid with a unique history/needs, it is still best to give yourself a break as much as possible- probably even more necessary, in fact, than if everything had gone swimmingly in the first place.
Alexa, I’m not going to tell you what I did with my own or whatever. You sound like you’re struggling which is surprisingly normal. Babies like consistency. They don’t like change. They like to let you know they don’t like change. It’s gonna happen no matter what people say. Increase your supply, get a better nipple shield, hold her this way, hold her that way, use a certain bottle. No matter what you do, Simone will let you know what she thinks. It just takes persistence and stubbornness to get through to her that this is the way things are, no matter what you do, bottle or breast with or w/o shield. It looks to me that you are having a battle of wills with your wee one there, and no matter how young she is, she may win sometimes. :-)
Poor you guys – it’s so hard sometimes! I am the mom of 2 preemies, neither of whom latched on early (jealous!!). I pumped for 3 months with my first and 4 with my second. Somehow, they each did latch on and then nursed ok (after some of the most painful sh%t I can remember). But, my first was happy to eat with whatever came his way – breast, bottle, finger..anything! He thankfully didn’t have nipple confusion.
The second – not so much, and after 2 months of trying to juggle the breastfeeding and pumping for a bottle, I gave up the bottle and nursed him exclusively. Why do I tell you this? Babies have minds of their own!
That said, sounds like your breasts do too.
Have you tried to express a little milk BEFORE you latch her on? If you’re engorged when she latches, it’s harder for her to get the milk out effectively. And it’ll get the milk flowing too. Just a thought – it helped for me a few times.
If you can work something out where you can still nurse her, even a few times a day, you’ll fall into a rhythm, and I promise, all the horror of pumping will disappear from your memory. (Well, maybe not all, but definitely some).
Good luck. Oh, and do you use a bottle that’s like a breast? We found, with our little guy that the gerber wide top one was great. shaped very similar to a breast/nipple. even my lactation consultant approved.
I say feed your baby how she asks to be fed and don’t look back. With babies this young, I don’t think that you can go wrong by listening to what they want and giving it to them.
So Alexa, I looked to see if you have an email link but I don’t see one, so hence the kinda weird comment – from the other commenters, it looks like there’s some issue with getting domperidone in the states. strange…
anyway, if this is the case, I’ve got a full bottle here that you’re welcome to. Now I really feel like a pusher-mama, but if you likey my drugs, let me know. I’d be more than happy to mail them to you. So many people helped me during and after our NICU hoopla by sending us necessities, it’s my karmic duty to say to you “psssst… wanna pill?”
I kid. kinda. But they were great for me. Feel free to do the necessary googling and if you’d like them, they’re yours. sweetsaltykate (at ) gmail.
This breastfeeding thing is tough stuff! The first two months of nursing my now 7.5 month old son were absolutely miserable. I didn’t have supply issues, rather it was excruciatingly painful, at every, single, feeding. Nothing helped the problem in those two months, not the advice of different lactation consultants or scouring the internet for solutions, it eventually resolved on its own. My advice if you want to keep breastfeeding? Take it one feeding at a time. I set little goals for myself to just make it through the next feeding, the next day. I also let myself to do whatever I needed to do to make it through the day, even if that meant using a nipple shield for the pain (and enduring the excoriations of lactation consultants that that’s not what nipple shields are for!) and relaxing with a (large) glass of wine in the evening.
You’ve done an awesome job so far. Whatever you decide to do, Simone is lucky to have you as a mom.
You know, my son started getting really super fussy while he was nursing around that age too. I never connected it with low supply (although maybe it was?) It went away after a little while (at the time it made me crazy, but now I can’t remember how long it lasted.) So maybe it’s worth hanging in there a little longer in case this is a passing thing?
My oldest was not a preemie but did have a very rough start in the NICU (breathing problems, mostly.) He had a terrible time nursing and even after he had it down (with a nipple shield), would sometimes do exactly what you describe–the enraged flailing and whacking. It made me think of the knot in the Whomping Willow… if only I could get to his mouth to turn off the arms! He would also, after the first gulp, arch his back, scream, and whip his head back and forth seemingly in frantic search of food while the nipple was RIGHT THERE. If I gave him a bottle, he’d go after it like his life depended on it–but sometimes did the same thing with a bottle. I started dreading nursing with this horrible sick dread. Sound familiar?
I’m still not sure what caused it, but it did pass. Maybe it was reflux? It wasn’t that I didn’t have milk, but that the milk hitting the stomach hurt him; he associated that with nursing and wouldn’t nurse more; by the time he got to the bottle, he felt better. Maybe try a little bit in a bottle first, then the breast? I never found a good solution myself, mostly because I was too frazzled to think clearly, but in retrospect that’s probably what I should have done.
In the end, he it passed, and he nursed till 18 months. I don’t even remember that so much anymore as being the hard part. Now, when he got teeth…
I haven’t had time to read all the comments, but you could talk to your doctor about domperidone (google it, Kellymom talks about it) to help your supply.
Beware of Reglan – it caused a raging case of postpartum depression in me.
Domperidone isn’t available in the US, you have to get it from a compounding pharmacy, but it’s available in Europe. Reglan is approved for use in the US, and as a result it’s harder to get Domperidone, but it works better.
Oatmeal is also excellent for your supply. So is Brewer’s Yeast – which is a supplement you can get at the health food store. You can also drink very dark beer, but for obvious reasons, that could be BAD for Simone (although, if you need an excuse….).
Could she be getting a tooth and using you as a pacifier instead of nursing to get food? Does she take a plastic paci? Maybe see if she’ll suck on something cold, a teething toy of some sort, instead of you.
Good luck, honey. As mothers, we all do the best we can. Don’t let anyone give you grief.
Hugs,
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
**this is UP TO YOU TWO. do what works. try not to beat yourself up over your choices.
**PCOS and domperidone are like, well, um, gin and olives? a perfect fit. i’ve heard that domperidone is pricey but i know several women who have used it and swear by it. IF you want to keep nursing, talk to your doc about it.
**my doulas recommended beer for me while nursing. not only does it somehow help supply (the hops, maybe?) it is certainly relaxing — and THAT helps supply.
lots of luck,
–c.
Alexa, you are doing a great job. I gotta tell ya, I BF mine for 4 months until I had to go back to work. She went on the bottle after that. She’s 25 now (and successfully off the bottle :-) and healthy, happy, smart, and an all-around wonderful woman. What’s more, she’s my best friend. Keeping the stress level down is more than worth it.
Nursing my first was a breeze, nursing my second was a nightmare and made me realize, THIS is why women give up breastfeeding, THIS is what they are talking about! I told my husband, I’m going to try to get to six weeks, that’s it. Luckily, it worked out. I weaned him at 14 months. Supplementing is so NOT the end of the world, or the end of the nursing relationship. You can BF once or twice a day if you want, almost indefinitely. If she’s getting formula, she might just enjoy nursing to be with you. Don’t worry that you’ll make an irreversible decision by giving her an extra bottle. Take it one day at a time. You are doing great. Simone is adorable.
I haven’t read through the comments, so maybe it’s been covered, but my question is this: what’s the problem with the nipple shield? I’m not asking that in a sarcastic, mean way. I honestly don’t have a sense of why (if) it is an imperative to not use it.
I also had a NICU baby, so she got accustomed to the ease of bottle feeding. From the time I started nursing her a couple times a day in the NICU, we always used a nipple shield. And we continued using it after I took her home, until one day when she was around 4 months old when she fussed and fussed while I was trying to feed her. I took off the shield and tossed it across the room, and she latched to the breast and never looked back–she just suddenly didn’t need the shield anymore. But honestly, if she had nursed better with the shield until I weaned her at 9 months, I would have had no problem using it that long.
So just wondering if there’s some medical/physical/other reason you need to get rid of the shield? I also don’t know if it even helps that much–you didn’t really address that in the post. But if it helps, I say use it!
By the way, when I started reading your post, I had a helpful response re decreasing supply all ready for you. Because when my girl was 5 months old, I started dieting hard, and my supply dropped to almost nothing–WITHOUT ME KNOWING IT. I have no idea how that worked. But I still had milk leaking, I could see it coming out, etc. I just had no idea that I had WAY less than I had had a few weeks before. Until, after 2 weeks of crazy fussiness, a light switched on in my brain and I decided to spend a day NOT restricting calories, and see what happened. On the baby’s first feeding the next morning, she pulled off after she finished, and promptly projectile vomited all over the bed–there was so much milk, and her stomach had shrunk, she couldn’t even handle it. I sobbed. My baby had been HUNGRY for two weeks, so much that her stomach shrunk. I’ll tell you what, I did not try to diet again until after I weaned her. I learned a big lesson. So anyway, knowing that you had started WW and that you’re having supply issues, I wondered if you’re not getting enough calories. But it’s a moot point, right? Because you said that you’re actually eating more on WW than you were before? That’s good. Just make sure you’re getting enough calories, girl!
I’m as big a fan of breastfeeding as anyong; but I agree with the people who realize that breastfeeding should be taken as part of the whole picture. You’ve breastfed Simone long past the point of heroism and you really do need to consider the impact on you, the family, the relationship with Simone, etc. I don’t think any sane person in the world could fault you for a moment. And if someone does think you didn’t try hard enough… well, who cares. It’s your baby.
You need to do what works for you and Simone, period. But you are right, nothing brings out the beast in the internet mommy world than breastfeeding. :)
One of lessons of motherhood is that you can NOT do it all and that is okay. You have to forgive yourself. It will make you a better mother.
You do your best and you do what works for you. Do not beat yourself up over it.
Personally, having experienced both paths… twins who screamed at the thought of breastfeeding… and a singleton who’d have it no other way… I would do whatever you could do to maintain the (mostly) exclusive breastfeeding as it IS way easier in the long haul. Way way easier. Unfortunately, we didn’t realize that until baby #3.
But I do completely understand your current struggles with irate baby, sleep deprived parents, and supply concerns.
Sleep deprivation, the food you eat, and the amount of nursing she does will absolutely impact your supply. More of all of the above will only help maintain your supply. Less of any of the above and your supply will take a hit.
Take a day to spend in bed together… just relax, nurse on demand, and rest up.
And… domperidone… rocks and you can get it inexpensively.
Good luck!
Just a reminder that you are the funniest writer even (especially when you are super frustrated).
A friend of mine has a 10 week premature 5.5month old. She also had some supply issues around the same time and she found that pumping more than breast feeding made her supply diminish more. I also had a little issue (nothing like yours but some supply dip) and found that adding a pump in once or twice a day did correct it.
Basically depending on your situation, we both went more to boob, plus an additional pump, and that helped keep our supply more voluminous for the little vulture.
I also found that when I was more careful about my calories, my supply seemed to be less satisfying. So eat and worry about the weight when you are ready to wean maybe?
Take all these with a huge boulder of salt and do what works for you.
I tried, but I can’t even bring myself to read through the comments, because it takes me back to when I was trying to decide whether it was worth it to keep breastfeeding Asher, and if I am to be perfectly honest, that was a really dark time in my life. What I wish now was that I had gone with my gut instinct and done what was healthiest for me, instead of crying my eyes out every day and feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. Unfortunately, when I think about the first few months of Asher’s life, I think more about our terrible breastfeeding relationship than I do about being a new mom or loving my new baby. That’s the truth. What I hope for you, Alexa, is that you find what works for you, because the last thing I would ever wish on you was for you to look back and regret that you wasted time worrying so much about feeding Simone and not just enjoying her babyhood. I will be thinking of you. Please know you can always email if you need to chat. XOXO
I haven’t read all the comments ( and I doubt if you are either… but I have read Emily above me and she said exactly what I wanted to say.
Sanity is so, so important and it tends to get overlooked.
Number one rule (after Feed The Baby): Enjoy Your Baby. You decide what makes you best able to do that.
(Everyone already said the actual practical advice I would give. So that’s all I’ve got left.)
I heard or read somewhere that babies get all the benefits of breastmilk in only 1 oz a day. I know there’s more that goes into the whole experience than just the nutritive value, but if it’s making you both miserable and you dread doing it, maybe it’s time to look at other options.
I totally agree with everyone who said that a good momma is a happy momma. Be kind to yourself and do what YOU feel is best for you both. You are just as important in this equation as Miss Simone.
I feel your pain. My baby wasn’t very impressed with my milk supply either. He was miserable for the two weeks I exclusively breastfed. He was less miserable, but still pretty irritable, when I breastfed and supplemented with 2 ounces of formula after feedings. Honestly, he became his happiest when I breastfed, gave him as much formula as he wanted (as per my Dr.), and he got past his first big growth spurt. I still breastfeed, but I feel like it’s mainly for sport. It’s a comfort and there is milk, but I don’t have a huge supply either. I do it at night mainly since I’m back to work. It saves the trip to make the bottle and the baby seems OK with it. I remember in the beginning we had those frustrating feeding sessions too. It seemed like they were never ending (every 20 minutes or so), and I couldn’t even get in enough nutrition and hydration to not run dry before he was satisfied. We had latching problems, too. Anyways, to me it just sounds like you have a hungry baby (breast milk digest quickly and some babies are just more ravenous than others anyway). I would do whatever you need to do to keep you both happy and healthy. And try to let go of the guilt. I know it is hard. But a friend and fellow mom once told me, “Guilt is a wasted emotion.” I think she is right. You are clearly a wonderful mom. Take care. All the best. You are not alone.
What a great community this is! I had to stop BF my daughter at 4 mos, I thought because I had emergency gall bladder surgery. Despite all my ocd reading, I did know the 4 mo supply change that you all have mentioned. Anyway, still beating myself up….despite the fact that I was solely formula-fed, have a high iq and am well-adjusted and love my mother dearly :) It’s wonderful to see women of all backgrounds support one another rather than criticize and throw stones. Thanks for all your sharing, and Alexa thanks for your sharing your and your beautiful daughter’s life with the rest of us.
let go of the guilt! if you want to quit, do it. if you want to supplement with formula, do it. do what makes you happy and simone will follow your lead. we mommies have enough to deal with without piling self imposed guilt into the mix. your child will be happy, bright, healthy and fine because she is LOVED…thats the magic ingredient.
Amen, sister! I am so right there with you! My daughter isn’t a preemie, but I’ve been having similar issues with her screaming as if she’s not getting milk, even when I can tell there is milk there, etc. I have to tell you, those promotional cans of formula look SOOOOO good some days! I’m trying not to give her formula, but so often, it seems so appealing to me. And this AM? My pump lost suction. So I’m really up a creek. I was hand pumping at 7am.
I do not have time to read all 78 comments but wanted to tell you something one of my friends said to me as I was breastfeeding both my daughters with incredible difficulty. She said “Food does not equal love.” Breastfeeding doesn’t mean you love your child more than if you bottle feed. And I feel like I can say that since I breastfed both my daughters for a year each… both with an unbelieveable amount of pain and problems. You are doing all you can. Give yourself a break. If you want to keep breastfeeding, go for it. I did and I was glad in the end. But if you just can’t anymore, do what it takes for you and your daughter to survive and try not to feel bad about it. You are doing your best… and that is more than enough.
Hi, just some random assvice. Have you tried feeding her while she’s swaddled? With my twins, I pump and bottle feed and they sometimes get in that thrashing mode. It’s normally when they are overtired, we found that the swaddling made it easier to feed them if they were like that…
dude, i so remember this…and the way i looked at those lactation consultants as if they had three heads. in the end, my son and i kept nursing, but with bottles (which were often if not always formula) in between. and life became sane, and that was better.
i wish you luck finding your balance.
but i AM reading your comments with great interest…thinking there are tips out there that never would’ve occurred to me. :)
I went through the same thing. Not to give assvice, but two things I tried/learnd – At the beginning of a feeding, I would set a timer for 10 minutes. If my son was angelic and nursed wonderfully, I would ignore the timer and he would keep nursing. If the boy and I were having a difficult time, I would stop when the timer went off and switch to the bottle. Using the timer let me off the hook (in my mind, at least) when the breast just wasn’t working, but I never felt like I had given up on breastfeeding (which made me feel horribly guilty).
Also, Metoclopramide and Domperidone do increase milk supply, but both interact poorly with anti-anxiety drugs and anti-depressants and can cause major depression as a side effect, particularly in patients with a history of depression or other issues; they’re worth trying, but be vigilant about watching for signs of depression.
Ah, the lactivists. One La Leche lady told me, when I was dealing with low supply, that I should just nurse my newborn every hour around the clock for a week – at a time when he took forty-five minutes to nurse. Sure, and why don’t I set my hair on fire while I’m at it?
Whatever you choose will be the right decision – and I say default to whatever gives you the most peace and the most sleep. If that’s formula in a bottle, so be it. Simone is going to thrive anyway.
I sure wish my kid would take a bottle, by the way. After our struggles in his early infancy he’s a boob fanatic and thinks demons live in bottles. Which makes feeding him at daycare a whole lotta fun. Hey, at least if Simone ever goes to daycare or has a nanny, you’ll know she’ll take a bottle. Not my guy. Alas.
you just described my breastfeeding situation perfectly, minus the premature part.
you’re doing the right thing, which is whatever is making things easier for the both of you… which is ambiguous, but you’re not here to please le leche league, you’re here really to please Simone and you to a fair-sized extent.
i found the ‘prescriptions’ for milk production success to be totally exhausting. 4 months was it for sam and i, and while i cried about that, i cried less than i did when he was screaming and starving at the breast.
good luck!
Don’t you feel like with all these comments we should start our own website of the “we love breastfeeding but it was damn hard for us” ilk?
I too had this same issue – although mine was related to a breast reduction when I was 19. I’d be able to express milk with my hand and shoot it nearly across the room, but she seemed to be hungry and angry and WTF MOM!?!
So – being in a hormone induced craze – I did exactly what she suggested what with the feeding, then the pumping… let me tell you this about that experience…
it is a miracle I got out of it alive.
I loved b-feeding more than anything and tears ran down my face the ‘last time’ I got to do it. But like you, there were priorities and I tell myself that the formula she got was just fine, and she’s happy, and healthy – and oh so snuggle-ishush.
You’ve done a great job already – no need for guilt, and really its one day at a time anyway. For me the “quitting” took almost a month because one day I’d be “oh let me just try one more day” and the next would be “this sucks”.
email me if you want support.
sorry you are having such a problem– just for comparison– my son Jack was VERY fussy at the breast around that time– screaming, crying, etc. and he was 12 days late and breastfed the whole time
but you need to do what works– for you and your precious little bundle– and a midnight bottle isn’t the end of the world– maybe you can do a combination— of breast and bottle
You’ll be a happier mommy if you switch to bottle feeding. I breast fed and pumped for five months. Two of those months I was going to law school full-time and clerking part-time. It seemed like all I ever did with my son was breast feed or pump.
While we didn’t experience any of the problems you have with feeding Simone, I felt trapped and exhausted. I longed to go out to dinner or to the mall with my husband, our friends and our baby. Instead, it seemed like I was hidden away somewhere breast feeding while everybody else was having fun. I know there are nursing shawls and gear that makes it possible to breast feed in public, but I was too self-conscious to use them.
My time away from work and school was precious and I felt chained to the pump. When I pumped a bottle for my husband to feed our son later, he would frequently complain about the quantity I was able to produce. That makes him sound like an a-hole, which is not at all the case, he was just scared to run out of milk.
We were all getting milk-obsessed and not in a good way.
Switching to bottle-feeding was a life-saver. I became much more relaxed and the baby and his father were happy.
Much of the benefit of breast-feeding comes from the physical closeness between feeder and feedee. You won’t lose that and you’ll have mote time to do other things.
BTW, the five months of breast-feeding seemed to be enough to protect my son against ear infections and give him the other benefits you hear about.
as i know nothing about this whatsoever i am only popping in to say that your baby girls is stunningly beautiful and you have excellent taste in baby accessories
=) I say whatever makes you happier (and baby happier) will make it all work out. Whatever you have to do.
If you need domperidone quickly, I have a bunch of it that I have no use for. It worked like an absolute charm for me but I don’t need it anymore and I would be happy to send it to you. Send me an email if you’re interested.
Adding my voice to the “been there done that” chorus and also to the “you’re doing a great job” chorus.
I ended up being a pumper for 6 months. It was a bitch at times, but in the end I was happy I did it (and sleeping through the night while the man fed the babe was excellent).
I could have written this very post today (oh, except we were never a freak breastfeeding show). My preemie daughter and I have been trying very hard to nurse most feedings during the day. Then today I went to a weight clinic and it turns out she’s only getting 1oz from one side and ZERO oz from the other :( I am so discouraged right now. I want nothing more than to do away with my pump and be able to breast feed full time, but I feel like it’s so much work and giving her a bottle is much easier than struggling through breast feeding :( We’ll continue to try, but I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
feed her breast milk, formula, or pizza and hot wings… she’s not going to remember it when she’s a teenager. and she will find some reason to hate you when she’s 15, no matter what you do.
it’s not as if you’ve done nothing for Simone. you gave her the gift of LIFE, for cripes sake.
You know Simone better than anyone in the entire world – do what you think is best! Also, can’t believe that you started “Lady Cycle” eight weeks out. One of the main reasons I nursed so long was to avoid that, best of luck.
I was in that exact situation once. My son was premature, which firmed my previously flabby resolve to breastfeed. What followed was an unhappy period in which my son cried from hunger nearly as much as I cried from the crushing suspicion that if I couldn’t complete this simple, supposedly natural, aspect of motherhood, I’d fail miserably in the harder challenges to come. Eventually I began pumping and feeding the breastmilk to him in a bottle–and later I wondered why I’d insisted on torturing us both so for long. Breastmilk is breastmilk, whether you administer it via boobie, silicone nipple, or water gun. Simone is getting what she needs either way. Go easy on yourself. The sleep lost as a result of pumping is easier to bear than the sadness brought on by failed nursing session after failed nursing session, in my opinion. Good luck, pretty girls.
AMEN to all the lovely mommies who advocate for sanity. Do what works for you, and Simone will be better off for it! give her that good stuff out of a bottle and reclaim some extra minutes for your balance.
Breastfeeding my first child was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Kudos to you for all your good mommery.
Reading your post did give me a little flashback to a time when my first child was about 6 weeks old and seemed to want to nurse ever 1.5 hours, but would sometimes be crying and fighting. Turns out she was actually TIRED half of those times I was trying to nurse her. I’d be ticked off too if I was trying to go to sleep and someone stuck a pizza in my face. Just a thought…
Hang in there!!! I know it is frustrating and seems absolutely horrible!!! My twins were 10 weeks early and one never got to nurse because of reflux that made her stop breathing so….I pumped after nursing my other one EVERY time because I didn’t want her to get necro.as this happened in the NICU and scared me to death. I had a HORRIBLE transition with my other one off the nipple shield and almost gave up….MANY TIMES!!!!!! trust me!!! I would cry and try EVERYTHING. I was so sore and we just didn’t work well together. I am happy to say that eventually it all settled down…but it was a long journey with giving bottles after feeding. It almost (and I am pregnant with number six…so I do have a little bit of experience) sounds like your little one may be getting too hungry in between feedings. I know u treasure EVERY moment u have not nursing, however, sometimes they have growth spurts that require a little more milk and the baby just gets way too hungry to settle down. Just hang in there!!! I also took Reglan for more milk production. It worked wonders!!! Some doctors don’t know about the miracle it works as it usually is used to help digestion work faster…but it helped my milk supply. I also would drink a beer (my grandmother’s remedie) which I think worked…either because it helped with the milk supply or made me relax a bit more. Anyway, hang in there!!!! It will work out.
Ahhh. The guilt. Yup I remember. It’s what kept me pumping “just one more month” month after month after month until I was crumbled on the floor in tears and Jon threatened to smash that damn pump to put me out of my misery.
You have done such a fabulous job so far. Don’t feel guilty for things that are out of your control. Don’t give up if you aren’t ready yet, but when the time does come don’t beat yourself up.
Oh yeah….I just looked at your whole blog and your pics!! You look fabulous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you should ditch Weight Watchers. It probably just adds more stress to the stressful life of a preemie!!! And yes…I do have PCOS and other the other crap…so…I understand the whole weight bullcrap thing. Just enjoy your baby and give yourself a break!! It is hard being a mom!! Seriously I wouldn’t say you looked great if you really didn’t!!
← Previous Comments
Next Comments →