By the way, I posted this to you before but I also had IVF twins but lost one at birth. I fully believe all the stress and grief affected my supply as well. This could be the same in your case, maybe?

I remember the two of us crying and no one in my family understanding why I was “forcing” this bf thing. I finally came to a place where we tried to breastfeed. If it was a good day and he wanted to nurse, then we would. If it wasn’t a great day, we would try for a few minutes and then go to a bottle.

I was lucky enough to have tons of milk stored up in the freezer so that he subsisted on breastmilk long after I was no longer producing. We also did the fenugreek and I got a prescription for reglan from my doc becasue it is supposed to increase supply.

The important thing is that you’ve tried what YOU wanted to do. Do your best but don’t let it take over your life and ruin your days.
I always got a big laugh over the advice to lock myself in a room with a bunch of magazines and my child and then just nurse, nurse, nurse. Those people have more patience and sanity than I can claim. Don’t let yourself get too overwhelmed by it. It feels like the whole world right now, but it’s really a small point in Simone’s life. Good luck!!

With the small print at the bottom of the screen stating that breastmilk is obviously “best,” and I would never discourage you from doing it, I’d like to add some encouragement…:
*formula is not satan’s juice.
*superior nutrition has little too do with superior mothering, and sometimes the two are in conflict.
*I am the mother of a 1.5 lb 24 weeker. She is adopted and was exclusively formula fed(btw don’t get me started on how much I was judged for not attempting to adoptive breast feed. sometimes by strangers. but that’s a whole other story).

This daughter o’ mine is now approaching the “actual age” of 2, 19 months adj. She is walking, running, talking in sentences, even drawing holding the pen “correctly”(ie like an adult. we have no idea where she picked this up as we would’ve never dreamed of trying to teach a toddler this). Anyway, she has never been hospitalized. She’s had maybe 3 colds in her life, which required extra neb treatments, and the rest of the times she had fevers corresponded with teething. She’s never had a single ear infection.

I tell you this not to in any way brag, because believe me I know how easily things could’ve been different. I also don’t tell you this as argument against studies or stats, but just to say– Hey! Look over here! Bonded, happy, attached, intelligent kiddo with no ear infections who was a micropreemie and exclusively formula-fed.

I really hope this works out the way you’d like it to– but the most important things are already there– you’ve had them covered from day one.

My pumping five times a day is done out of pure guilt. She’s a difficult bfeeder (she nibbles, looks away…nibbles, lookes away…) so my milk is no longer a direct flight.

Of course telling you to drop the guilt would clearly be hypocritical, as I haven’t been able to do that myself.

My way of cutting myself a little break is to give her formula for the middle of the night feedings. It gives me peace. If my supply nosedives I know that she’s going to get a formula that works for her and I don’t have to obsess so much about the contents of my milk stash.

Whatever you find yourself doing just know that there are many like you doing the guilt dance.

I was very uneducated about bf’ing with my first two(that were born at 32 weeks and 30 weeks, respectively) and I tried pumping but wasn’t anywhere near taking care of myself the way I should have. It wasn’t until my 3rd came along(my only full termer) did I discover more about breastfeeding and I was beyond determined to make it work. At a month, when it still was killing me and I’d sit and cry through every feeding, I made the HUGE mistake of posting my frustration on a message board. While some ladies were supportive, there were others that made me feel horrible about wanting to stop. Not like I didn’t have enough guilt over it not working already but those women just made me feel worthless and told me I wasn’t trying hard enough(despite the consant nursing and pumping and having to put up with a few very rude LC’s and having not even been SPOKEN to by an LC before I left the hospital with him-even though I requested to talk to one several times in my day and a half long stay).

I eventually gave up regardless and continued to feel guilty about that decision until said baby was EIGHT months old. And not just “d*mn I really wish it would’ve worked out” but even trying to re-lactate at four months.

When my next child came along, I promised myself that I wouldn’t beat myself up if it wasn’t working out. She was born 5 weeks early and the LC brought in the nipple shield. Why oh why oh why did NONE of the people I’d talked to with my 3rd tell me about that? I had a horrible time getting my daughter to nurse without it after awhile, but it did get her to nurse and we were able to go until 6 months-partially, no matter what I did I could never get a decent supply and I did try everything aside from medication(which my doc wasn’t keen on giving me due to my history of depression, and I wasn’t keen on taking if I wasn’t dying from some life threatening illness… I’m like that with most meds. I do say *most* meds). I nursed her constantly, then would have to supplement her(either ebm or formula if I was out of the other)after almost EVERY feeding. Then I would pump. I pumped at least 6-8 times a day AND nursed her, AND took Fenugreek, Mother’s Milk tea, oatmeal, juice, water, tried to eat perfectly…and… I had 3 other kids to take care of. So when you say you think they’re crazy for suggesting that you pump after every feeding, nurse and then pump some more.. believe me I know what that’s like and it really takes a toll on you(not to mention cleaning the pumping equipment a gajillion and one times a freaking day, plus bottles….tell me… how is THAT convenient?).

With my last(and final) child, I have to be honest that I hemmed and hawed over it for my entire pregnancy. When she was born 8 weeks early, there was no question and I requested a pump within a half hour of being in my room after my c-section(of course I waited longer to actually pump though.. I just wanted it there). When my daughter came home, I’d been fitted with a nipple shield. She could latch on but just wasn’t good at it and with (by this time) Four other children to take care of, the nursing sessions were killing me and one day, I was Literally walking in circles because I was so frustrated, tired, upset, tired and I just didn’t know what the right thing to do was anymore. I agonized over whether to quit and just took it one feeding at a time. Then…when my supply took a nose dive because I was exclusively pumping, I had a health issue come up that required me to be on several different meds and that was that. I refused to pump for however long I was going to be on those meds(including a narcotic, and two heavy anti-biotics) just to have to dump my precious milk down the sink every time. I was already struggling with it and that was the icing on the cake. And, in the long run.. the health issue that I had was one that I continue to have pop up. The initial onset and requirement of medication ended up dragging out and lasted over a month. Looking back, quitting pumping was the best thing I could’ve done… pumping for a month just to throw all of that milk out? You have to be crazy… I never would’ve made it. All of that work just to dump it out? Screw that.

I have no idea what my point is. But breastfeeding is probably one of the biggest challenges I’ve had in motherhood(being a mom to 4 preemies was THE biggest) and I can look back at least and say that I really did try my hardest, but it just didn’t work for me. And I finally reached a point where I really don’t give a rat’s ass who has a problem with it. Good for anyone that it works for and don’t have a lot of issues to overcome with it… but I would NEVER put anyone down for not sticking with it because I know that it’s HARD work. And anyone that chooses to not breastfeed at all…I see nothing wrong with that. It’s THEIR boobs and if they’re uncomfortable with it, who is ANYONE to go out of their way to make them feel bad about their decision? I’m a firm believer that a woman needs to have that desire to nurse… if they don’t, they very well might be miserable- especially from people forcing it upon them and making them feel bad for not wanting to do it.

Keep on truckin’ Alexa. You have done such a wonderful job thus far, and I hope that you’re able to continue with it for as long as you can… IF you want to. And.. that guilt thing? I think it can’t be helped sometimes even when you’ve gone above and beyond. We’re mothers and we want nothing but the best for our kids. The guilt just proves how much you love her and want the best for her.

And, with that, my novel is complete ;). Sorry for the hijack.

Good luck, Alexa. You’ve kicked ass and taken names. Don’t forget that.

I’ve been thinking of you, can’t remember how I found you blog, but our little ones has overlapping time in the NICU. I’m glad Simone is home with you now. Good luck to you.