“Megalocephalic Infant” Doesn’t Have the Same Ring.
I exercised yesterday for the first time in…well, in a long time, ok? So maybe it’s been a while. WHAT’S IT TO YOU?
The “eat less” part of losing weight is crushing my spirit and I thought I would approach the problem—the problem being, of course, MY ASS—from another direction (Behind?). Focusing on exercise seems like an especially good idea because it isn’t so much the size of my body that bothers me as the shape it is in. Or isn’t.
The point is, I exercised, and it was just as I remembered: painful and exhilarating. Afterward, my poor legs trembled—probably with fear that I would make them do another godforsaken plie—but I felt insufferably pleased with myself, and as if I probably deserved a pie for dinner, possibly a bacon and peach pie with salted caramel ice cream. I just made that up, and the fact that it sounds good should make it clear that my dinner last night was not entirely satisfying. It wasn’t spelt based, or anything, just not the cheesy orgy I felt I deserved after lifting my arms all the way over my head.
Today, however, my legs ache mightily and I am feeling disinclined to move, and thus I have remembered another aspect of exercise that has flummoxed me in the past: what do you do the day after? I don’t know that I could do the same workout again today without a handful of Percoset, and yet I should like to make exercising a daily routine. If I do something entirely different this afternoon, will I still be making progress, or do you need to keep at the same thing for a bit to see results?
On an entirely unrelated note, have you seen the insurance commercial featuring an old man who travels via giant umbrella? For those of you who have not seen it, Old Man Umbrella wanders about helping people, and at one point he happens upon a forest where two tow-headed moppets have broken their bicycle chain. Why they are bicycling in a forest is a matter for another time.
“Well, what’s going on here!?” asks the old man, chortling like a jolly, jolly sex offender. He offers them an umbrella ride home, which they stupidly accept. We don’t see what happens next, but I am certain it involves a child’s blood spattered foot protruding from the underbrush, and the familiar strains of the Law & Order theme song. Did no one ever tell these children not to accept a ride from any strange old man, regardless of how rosy his cheeks or large his umbrella? Do I have to specify to Simone that an unfamiliar person with a magical conveyance still qualifies as STRANGER DANGER?
In other news, I am writing a book. I wasn’t going to say anything, because I am a little embarrassed—I mean really, isn’t every asshole who’s ever taken a creative writing workshop writing a book? —but also because if nobody knows I’m writing a book, no one can sigh and shake his or her head in a disappointed fashion if I fail. But that strategy hasn’t worked so well for me in the past, and I am thinking a little accountability in this area wouldn’t be a bad thing. After all, I have never missed a freelance deadline, presumably because I treat that writing like a job, and not some equivalent of building model trains or collecting milk glass. So yes. Writing a book. Don’t get too excited, though, I have no book deal, and it may be that this manuscript never sees the outside of my apartment. Still, I’m writing it. For sport. For kicks, as the kids say.
Also exciting: I uncovered the purpose of the soft spot on an infant’s skull. Now that the apnea monitor is gone, I get a bit nervous when Simone is asleep at night, nervous that she may actually be sleeping THE SLEEP OF DEATH. I am loath to wake her by turning on the light to check her color, because possible wee corpse or no, Milk Lady needs her rest. Happily, I have discovered that while reclining upon my pillow I can reach through the bars of Simone’s bedside bassinet and check her pulse via fontanel. Well done, evolution!
I will leave you with proof that I am not the only creative type in the family, namely a song I overheard Scott singing to Simone. That MFA in poetry isn’t going to waste, you see. Feel free to sing it to your own children:
Big-Headed Baby/The villagers throw stones at you/You run away to a cave/Your only friend is the eel/He swims in the shallows/Big-Headed Baby
Have a lovely weekend.
47 Comments
I love your posts and adore your baby! You make us laugh without minimizing your point, in fact, usually underscoring it. You are a talented writer and that’s exciting to hear about the book. Good luck with the exercising. That’s the hardest thing for me to keep up with, despite the great feelings that come with it.
And about the 10 minute “nap” - keep at it, she’ll get the hang of it. And if you only get humored for 10-20 minutes at a time, small blessings count too!
I’m not sure if your Day 2 exercise question was retorical or not, but here’s what I do in such a situation: walk. It’s low impact but can get your heart going, and gives you that active feeling without risking injury.
Day 2 is tricky - you can definitely hurt yourself and set the whole plan askew if you’re not careful. But you should definitely do something, to keep the momentum. And for bacon-points.
I love the song!
now that the apnea monitor is gone, you, my friend, need an angel care monitor. slip the motion-sensitive disk under the mattress and alarm bells will go off it it stops sensing the motion that is breathing. works as a normal monitor, too. no soft spot pulse-taking required. did wonders for my sleep!
I can’t tell you how relieved I am to discover I’m not the only one who finds that commercial disturbing!
Congrats on the exercise. I’d love to say it will just get easier from here, but that’s so not true. It is worth it though, and it’s good for you to take a little bit of “me time” every day.
The soreness you cite in reference to your daily expenditure of energy is what I like to call “An Allergic Reaction to Exercise.” At least, that’s what it is when I do it! Hence, my telling folks that I am, in no small way, allergic to exercise.
My daughter’s head was soo large that at her 4 day well baby visit, the nurse had to measure TWICE because she couldn’t believe a 4 day old could possibly have a head that size. Really. She wore a Gymboree hat home from the hospital that was 12-18 mos. She’s 9 months now, and it won’t even go ON her head. Talk about throwing stones…..
*We call her our bobble-head baby. You know, like the ones you get if you’re one of the first 10,000 Twins fans. We’re still looking for the dashboard attachement…
YEAH on the novel! Someone has to write them, right? Also, The Ballad of Simone made me smile.
The lovely young baby Simone
Has very substantially grown
Mom conquered her fear
Of the dreaded apnea
By prodding parietal bones
Don’t bother groaning, I’ve already done it for you!
When I eventually shifted child out of poking range, ALL THE WAY from the side of our bed to the foot, I installed an angel care monitor, despite being aware of its limitations. Unfortunately, child makes a nightly migration to the suburbs of Cotbed Land and sets the wretched thing off. The first time the alarm shattered the evening peace, Hubby and I got stuck in the doorway like Laurel & Hardy, running to rescusitate our (snoring) child. The false alarms are a right royal pain in the bottom, but being able to lie and watch the LED that lights up every time he takes a breath makes it worthwhile.
Slavering for the book. Simply slavering.
Hrm. Yes, exercise, I used to know what to do when that happened.
Congrats on the book thing. I find public accountability does wonders for me as well, or well, I hope that it does. Just so you know, if perhaps you find someone to publish it, you have already presold one copy, to me. I would buy anything you wrote, even if it was soup can labels.
Fathers who sing to babies, so cute, yet disturbing…
What a lovely song. I’d repeat the songs I sang my kids, but you’d report me to the authorities.
That is hilarious. I need a new song to sing to my son.
1. please write a book. your words make me laugh hysterically, i don’t care what it’s about.
2. i like the song. a lot. A LOT.
Yeah for the book! Yeah for sitting down and writing it! There will be no hanging of heads, no tisk-tisking, no shame.
You are doing the work. You are writing it all down. There is no failure in the shape of “Doing”.
Congratulations!
**Lots of book writing in the blogosphere, these days. My two favorite bloggers are embarking on this adventure: You and Sweet Salty Kate. Yeah for the rest of us who will (hopefully) benefit from your diligence.
The song is awesome; I only wish we could hear it as well as read those beautiful words.
The book is extremely exciting, as I think I’ve mentioned that there are few who string words together better than you.
The exercise - you can do any old thing as long as it gets your heart rate up and your muscles working and you’ll most certainly see results. No need for needless (see?) repetition.
Love the peach and bacon pie, love the pulsing soft spot, love the way your writing sounds like talking and whipsmart crack-up hilarious talking at that.
Hooray! A book!
I don’t know how you do it, but do, do!
I’m pretty sure every exercise expert would tell you (and any magazine article having to do with fitness, for that matter) that if you are doing strength training, be it actual weight lifting or just good old calisthenics like sit-ups, squats, plies, dips, etc., you should alternate different muscle groups on different days. One very reliable program suggests (if you are going to exercise 6 days a week) something like this:
Monday=lower body strength training
Tuesday=cardio (run, walk, eliptical, bike)
Wednesday=upper body strength training
Thursday=cardio
Friday=lower body strength training
Saturday=cardio
Sunday=day off
Monday=upper body strength training
Most experts say that you need to give each muscle group at least one day of rest before you work it again, so this kind of schedule gives each muscle enough time to recover, but no, it does not give enough time for that muscle to actually atrophy again.
If you’re just doing strength training and no cardio, even just alternating upper and lower body every other day would give enough time for enough recovery.
The bottom line (duh) is listen to your own body. After a hard workout of squats and lunges, my thighs and glutes usually hurt so badly that I wouldn’t be able to do it again the next day even if I wanted to. So you need to pay attention to that. Pain in the muscles means all those little muscle fibers have been “torn” (not in an injurious way; this is how muscles grow bigger) and are healing themselves again. To push it again too soon could actually cause injury. That’s why I love the strength training/cardio alternation: I find that when my muscles are killing me from a good workout, getting on the treadmill the next day and just walking briskly actually feels good–it stretches the muscles and kind of massages them, in effect.
Body for Life by Bill Phillips is actually a really worthwhile book to browse through. He has a philosophy that I think you would really agree with–his “program” is all about eating and working your body so that you have the most strength and health possible, to live a fulfilling life. It’s not about becoming a bikini model and hanging on the edge of anorexia just to look good. It’s the kind of book a feminist could get behind, I think. Anyway, that schedule above actually comes from his book, and he also gives lots of sample exercises that you can do without weight machines at the gym.
I confess once to singing a song to Botany that went something like:
“Oh Lord what can the matter be? It’s cranky little Botany. She is the prettiest fairy in the forest. All the other fairies are so jealous. Wait a second, this doesn’t effing rhymmmme.”
I’d read- no, wait, I’d BUY, your book.
I am just finding it comforting to know that
1) I am not the only mother of big headed babies (my son was in the 97% percentile for weight, height and head circumference–and while that all seems porportionate, over time the weight and height percentages dropped and the head one did not!)…and at one of my ultrasounds the tech said the largest measurement on my daughter was her head, she is now 6 weeks old but I keep forgetting to ask the pediatrician what percentile she falls in.
and
2) that I am not the only parent who checks the babies to make sure they are breathing! With my son I felt more rational, but my daughter has “silent” reflux, and the choking fits that occur when the stuff comes up and then back down, scare me to death…and naturally I worry about all the times it happens and I am not there (i.e. awake) to anguish through. I swear this one makes me feel like a first time mom all over again….BUT WORSE!!
Hey, I’m writing a book, too! But don’t tell anyone. It will be our secret.
I know you won’t believe me but as I started reading this post I was thinking: God, she’s a really good writer. She should write a book. I SWEAR IT’S TRUE!
Hah! That’s an excellent song. It’ll, um, build her vocabulary, I’m sure.
Just thought I’d drop you a line to say hello! I found your journal a few months ago, and despite the fact that I have (or had) very little knowledge about infertility, and no desire to have kids for at least a decade, I was drawn in to reading it. I enjoy your posts - perhaps it’s the combination of erudite wit and swearing. Congratulations on your perseverance, and enjoy your hard-won baby. :)
On excercise - I’ve been told that the most comfortable way to manage a routine can be to do a basic cardio warmup, perhaps cycling or jumping about to really good music, and then working your upper or lower muscle groups *ON ALTERNATING DAYS*. This allows you to rest your shoulders and back on the day you do your legs and glutes, and vice versa. I ride my bike instead of taking the bus (no car, so it’s that or walk!), and try to use stairs instead of escalators, walk to the store, etc., and each little thing adds up. It really helps me out when I can’t make time for the big things. Good luck!
Cant wait to see your book! I’ll buy! you slay me! I have many customers and friends that I have forwarded you on to…. I love the way you make ME feel, and yourself. You totally rock.
And that commercial. It scares the death out of me, and my children … HATE the circus part. They are freaked! (they are 17 adn 13 so I think they understand more than you and I!!!)
Love your posts… and look forward to see who is winning the baby of the week contest !!! (i am a photographer.. sucker for baby photos.. what can I say?)
A book! Woo-hoo!
You need to get a blue party light for your bedroom (I assume Simone is still in your room. If not, put it in a table lamp in her room). Leave it on all night … it gives you just enough light to check on her/feed her/change her without that whole bright-light-burning-my-eyeballs-and-making-me-think-it’s-time-to-wake-up thing.
There is a book called…shoot…why can’t I remember? Voices From A Medieval Village! That’s it! And it’s written for elementary school kids. Scott’s song could have come from that book. It’s that caliber of awesome. You should buy it and read it to Simone; she will love it. Just add Scott’s song right into the mix.
Dude, you’re writing a book! How awesome is that?! I can’t wait to read it!
Great news on the book. I’d buy it too!
Love Scott’s wee ditty. My firstborn’s head was so out of proportion with the rest of him that the nurses kept measuring it every few hours in case it was fluid… Of course this was another of the little possible complications (e.g. breaking his neck or shoulders!!!)from his ‘awkward’ forceps delivery that nobody bothered to tell me about until after the deed. Fortunately all was well, he just had a big head - he grew into it eventually though.
Hey….
Well here I am with some exersize assvice for you. Please know I am not an expert but I have lost 87 pounds so, maybe what I did will work for you.
Walk. That’s it. Until you feel like you are getting into some sort of shape again. I started out walking a block and back, then two the next day. Then three at a faster pace and so on. When you get to the point that speed walking doesn’t do much for you, then you can work in something else, but right now, it sounds like you are hurting, and when you hurt, you don’t want to work out or even move. And the diet thing, just start out cutting down your portions. Much better than depriving yourself and then eating a whole pie and feeling like a loser. And it is something you can handle. Most diets don’t work long term…that’s why the first 3 letters in diet are die.
And, I’d love to read your book.
Everyone and their uncle may be writing a book but you, my dear, have talent, and that makes all the difference.
To my vast irritation, I cannot now find the post, but Julia of Hippogriffs posted about trying to re-take up running after her babies were born, and someone posted in a comment about the “couch to 5k” plan. Now Julia’s original post contained information about how, at one point in her life any sentence that contained her as the subject and “running” as the verb was a punchline, but then she had gotten into it and she hoped to again. And, yes. I was similarly situated (without the “having gotten into it” part). And I thought, maybe if she managed, I could, because heaven knows I needed some exercise and it was hard to find anything I could both tolerate and find time for (my preference is swimming, but way too much time commitment…).
So I googled “couch to 5k,” — it pops up immediately — and went and looked at it and thought, hey I could at least try this. Because the beginning parts are really modest, and I didn’t need to buy any equipment. And I made rules about not pushing myself and good heavens, so far it has actually worked (and I have taken it up very, very slowly. I decided doing ANYTHING, even working up slowly, was a lot better than doing NOTHING, which is pretty close to what I had been doing). Today I actually ran 25 minutes (not, to be fair, without a 2-minute break in the middle), which is (for me) phenomenal.
Anyway, to address one point you raise, at least on this plan you should NOT exercise twice in the same way (e.g. running) without taking a day’s break in between. This works for me and I try (with modest success) to do something else on my non-running days, such as bike or walk.
Good luck finding a system that works for you.
Delurking to say how very much I love reading your blog. It’s not just the content — although I’m finding it pretty riveting! — but it’s also your brilliant knack for putting things in a way that is comic, refreshing, and somehow very heartening for many of us, I think, whether or not we have kids and the anxiety that accompanies that worthy endeavor. I’m thrilled that you’re writing a book, and selfishly hope that it will find its way to your public. I wish you lots of satisfaction as a return on your investment!
i was having a motherfucker of a day until i read that song. PURE GENIUS.
Our first Song for Simon:
“Are you cold, are you hungry
Are you lonely, are you wet?
Are you gassy or just fussy?
Tell me why are you upset!”
Ah, were I to believe in such a being, I would say God bless you, woman. How you amuse me.
I’m going insane trying to figure out which tune that song went to. I’ve rejected “are you sleeping, are you sleeping” and “itsy bitsy spider” (can you tell I have two small kids?) How can I sing it if I don’t know the catchy tune?
so DAMNED excited by this news that i might pee my pants a little. every single author i have ever read/spoken to/read about etc. has said that the only way to do it is to commit to writing every single day. even if you only write one sentence and scrap it later.
GOOD LUCK!!!! keep us posted and i will definitely check in for that “accountability” you mentioned.
Sign me up for an autographed copy- I want to be first in line to buy your book.
Will buy book.
In interim, believe Scott deserves lifetime supply of bacon for that song. Tell him to share.
I will just add to all the other exercize assvice that I, myself, am a thick skulled idiot. I have begun the “couch to 5k” program (I think another commenter mentioned it), and I love it. I don’t hurt the next day, whereas with any other exercise program I’ve ever done, I always ache the next day.
So, the thick-skulledness comes from the fact that, despite multiple warnings, until I started this 5k thing, I’ve never stretched post-workout. So, I’m wagering that it’s not the workout, but rather the fact that I finally decided to actually do a real post-workout stretch.
In the case that you are as thick skulled as I am, my advice is to stretch heartily after any workout. Stretch longer than you think you need to. Make sure to really stretch the big muscles (butt, thighs, etc.), and perhaps you won’t ache quite as much. Perhaps you will anyway. Perhaps you are already doing this. But, just in case, I mention it in hopes that I might save you some pain.
But yes. As another commenter mentioned, you can also alternate the areas of your body that you work. Every other day is fine, but maybe walk on days that you don’t do some other routine. And remember to stretch.
I just want to second the Angel Care Monitor suggestion. I have twins who are now 2 years old, and the Angel Care monitors are the only reason I slept at all during their first 18 months (at which point we turned to just using them as a regular monitor).
I promise, it will be the best 200 bucks you ever spent.
I find the only way to get used to exercising again, is to keep at it. Even the day freakin after. I sucks and I usually do a much more motified rotuine, but after a few weeks of daily exercise, your body gets over the hurting part! yay! also love the song.
Been meaning to send a long e-mail but rarely find the time to get online. Is Simone on meds for reflux, specifically Prevacid 15mg solutabs? If so, I have at least two months worth in blister packs left over from Myles, maybe more. Let me know if you want them or know anyone else who can use them… that prescription is sickeningly expensive, especially for those of us with private or no insurance.
Great idea, about the book. I can’t wait. And yes, if it helps, consider yourself on deadline, missy!
Dude, Simone kinda looks like Captain Kirk spotting a new frontier in her latest Baby of the Week photo. And I mean that in the most loving and complimentary fashion.
Just tell me where to send the $$ for the book. I’ll even pay for the hardcover. And I never do that.
Doctor Mama says to do 30 minutes every other day. Maybe try that?
What’s the book about? IF trials and tribulations followed by NICU trials and tribulations or something unrelated to real life.
I am already pre-ordering your book! Okay, I would if I could…
That is a great song!
Sophia and I have a similar (strange) one that we composed after a situation concerning a stuffed opossum and a plastic lobster.
Here it is:
DO you like a Possum?
DO you like a Lobster?
MAARSUUUUUUPIAAAAAAALLLLL!!!
CRUSSSSSTAAAAAAACEEEEEAAAN!!!!
Climbing up a big tall tree!
Walking on the ocean floor!
BUM, bumbumBUM, bumbumBUM, bumbumBUM!!!