Solve For X.
I rescheduled the CLEP. After I took a practice test Friday night, it became clear there was a chance that I wouldn’t pass the next morning. It seems so obvious, seeing it written down—didn’t study? haven’t taken a math class in THIRTEEN YEARS? Of course I might bomb spectacularly. Math isn’t like riding a bicycle or driving a stick shift, and muscle memory is singularly unhelpful when it comes to quadratic equations. But I think I expected that I would look at the test and see the numbers and variables arrange themselves neatly into something I recognized, and I confess failure had not occurred to me as a possibility. Based on my trial run, however, I’d say the probability that I would have passed was only about 4/7, and at $70 a test, those were untenable odds.
The other thing I learned from the practice exam was that Alexander Pope was right. I kept coming across problems that looked vaguely familiar, and instead of reading them carefully and thinking about how a person might solve them, I’d say to myself “Oh! I know how to do THESE—twice-multiply the factors…invert the polynomial…carry the 30…Voila!”
FAIL.
Stupid Diophantus.
Simone continues to boycott bedtime, and Friday it occurred to me to wonder whether she could be getting a tooth. I know she isn’t supposed to be teething yet, but then she isn’t supposed to be cooking either, and you should taste the paella she made for lunch. And while I don’t see any teeth, she has been drooling and gnawing on her hand, and seemed to enjoy the frozen washrag I gave her to chew. But babies love that sort of thing teething or not, so who knows. Maybe she’s having a quarter-of-a-quarter-of-a-quarter-of-a-quarter-life crisis. And can infants have night terrors? Because Saturday night ours started screaming and crying while she was fast asleep. On and off for a few minutes, and these were neither the mournful evening cries of late nor the piercing reflux squeals, but a terrible amalgam of the two. It sounded as if she were being chased by bears. Through the Holocaust Museum. Hearing that cry was like seeing a puppy fed through a meat grinder, and not any ordinary puppy, either, but one of those spaniel puppies with the curly ears and limpid eyes, like something you’d see painted on velvet. The kind of puppy that’s the size of your average tea sandwich.
During the day, however, 10 weeks (adjusted) is a particularly delightful age. Sure, I wish Simone hadn’t decided that naps are for babies and then forgotten that she is one, but she’s so talkative and smiley that it’s hard to stay annoyed. We got the final bills for her NICU stay recently, and the total caused me to reach for my salts: $802,841.90. That does not include anesthesiology; daily visits by the attending neonatologists; her PDA surgery; visits by nephrology, hematology, ophthalmology and other specialists; or radiology—those account for another $50,000.00 in bills, bills we have collected in a 3-inch-thick stack while we wait for insurance to finish paying their share. Then we have the $67,000.00 for my hospital bedrest and subsequent Caesarian, and lets not even count the cost of the IVF cycle that spawned 17 embryos, only two of which survived to be transferred and only one of which survived to be born. The total is well over $900,000.00.
To quite a few people, these numbers are revolting, the sort of thing to be trotted out to illustrate Why Fertility Treatment is Wrong, as if I could have predicted the chain of events that lead to Simone’s premature birth, events that all available facts indicate had nothing to do with my infertility. For some these numbers illustrate most clearly how ill my daughter was, and how close we came to losing her, and some see the inflation of health care costs and the impossibility of the situation facing the uninsured. Still others see only opportunities for many, many “Million Dollar Baby” jokes. My immediate thoughts upon reviewing these sums are twofold. First, that my daughter was worth every penny, and then how much more effective than a mere “I GAVE YOU THE GIFT OF LIFE!” these bills will be against a sullen teen-aged Simone. I keep them in a safe place.
60 Comments
Oh, she’s just so chubby-licious! Worth all the $$ in the world! And you got off cheap for your C-section-my total bills were $17,000. We called her 17K for the first few days after those bills. Mine was not an emergency, nor did I have any infertility issues, btw. Enjoy your darling, hard-won daughter!
Those numbers made me faint. Thank goodness I was sitting down at the time.
As the beneficiary of a free (albeit curmudgeonly) health care system, I admire anyone who can live in America and not be a nervous wreck.
On the other hand what a delightful baby that is! Also, my son teethed at three months. And he used to cry in his sleep sometimes, while at other times he laughs. Babies are strange creatures.
oops, must not speed-read anymore! that was $67,000 not 6700 as I read it…apologies!
Not to ignore the rest of the post, but I still want to eat her cheeks. The no nap/bedtime is for sissies thing will pass. Ours usually were the sign of a growth spurt or huge milestone to come. As far as teeth, M’s came in around 7-8 months I think, but she drooled constantly for the six months before we saw a single one. Still the drooliest baby I have ever seen. I could have justified buying bibs by the metric ton.
Holy shit. That is an absolutely breathtaking bill.
Breathtaking baby too. She looks like you.
Our boy the first had a tooth well clear of the gums by 3 months… So… May not be too early at all…
That will be a good one to throw out when you get the 14 year old attitude. ;)
I am so very happy that she is here and adorable as heck!
Marjorie started the drooling and wanting to chew on everything at about 2 months and now at 6 months, still no teeth. Lots and lots of drool though but I have given up on keeping bibs on her and just let her go naked most days.
We also went through the “I am not a baby and I don’t need no stinkin’ nap thing” around this same age. She got over it after a week. A very long week for us though. Good luck.
OMG — You are so going to WIN at Holding It Over Your Teenager’s Head.
I’m sitting around going all, “I gave up PROSCIUTTO for you!” and now I became a vegetarian so I don’t even have that anymore.
What’s wrong is not that you used treatments it’s that it cost that much in general. All of it. It’s insane. That’s what’s wrong. They’re gouging us in medical care costs and no one is doing anything about it.
Babies can have symptoms of teething for weeks before actually cutting a tooth. Very fun phase!
She is adorable…and growing soooo fast!!
Can’t…focus…baby…too…cute…
Equally stunned by the dizzying sums and your beautiful, cutesome daughter. Simone is special, fabulous and beyond munchable. Way beyond.
I’m mildly puzzled by the US hospital system. Am I understanding this right: your medical insurance will only cover a percentage of this figure? Shit. If that were us, any noises sounding like spaniel-puppy-going-through-blender would be all emanating from me!
I don’t often comment, but just had to give a hearty congratulations — both on such an adorable baby and also for managing to keep your good humor despite the astronomical bills and all that you’ve been through. I admire you.
Plus the costs of a college education and a wedding to that…
Good thing she knows how to make a mean paella to earn her keep ;)
It’s obvious from her pictures that Simone is worth every penny and more. She’s adorable!
She’s SO. CUTE. I could just spread butter on her and eat her up. Or at least bid $900,000.01 for her.
Holy poop on a stick! Now THAT’S a hospital bill. All I have to hold over my daughter is 9 pounds 10 oz and 36 hours of labor. Simone is certainly a “million dollar baby” (gag). Just look at those cheeks! CUTE!!
Wow that’s a bill… I wonder what mine was after 12 days in the hospital after my first PG? I never got to see it!
I would say she is more than worth every penny that’s for sure!
2 things…
Firstly, my baby girl DID have those night terrors you speak of completely asleep, screaming as if someone were pinching her - which I swear nothing was because I stripped her naked to find the offending offender because SURELY this was not just a nightmare the child HAD to be in serious pain.
Secondly - teething, yes maybe! Try to get one of these http://store.babycenter.com/product/code/3925.do and put a chilled apple in it… she’ll gnaw it and LOVE it! Also the Hylands teething tablets are a thing from heaven.
I actually put the bills to conceive AND have my children in their baby books. Figured that when they come after me for $/car/etc, I can show them that they’ve already spent that money :)
You did get a cute baby for that cool $1M :)
1. AW! what a beautiful child.
2. As non-American have actually FAINTED at those bills. Am on FLOOR.
She is adorable!
10 weeks old adjusted? Sounds like normal baby fussiness. It peaks around 6-12 weeks for non-premature babies and around 6-12 weeks after the due date for premature ones. Just tell yourself, “This, too, shall pass!” And then kiss those little chubby cheeks, because they look like they need some kisses!
Man, I was actually livid LIVID at those bills and then I saw your daughter and holy hell is she cute.
(Also I should clarify, as an American who was uninsured for a large part of my life, and who has plenty of underinsured family members, I am livid over those bills. I have no beef with IVF or any such thing. Lest someone be confused)
Also, GAH CHEEKS! And she almost looks like a completely new baby here. Adorable!
Oh my %*$#!!! I cannot believe it is so expensive. After I had my son, I received a bill in the mail (I live in Ontario, Canada) for… $10! Which was the cost of the diapers, wipes, formula, and general other crap I used at the hospital. And since Toronto was the only place that charges for this stuff, I was upset!
Perfecting “natural” babies can end up with that kind of bill. We have friends with a heart patient. Her surgery, etc. cost over $1 million! Our daughter had 7 days in the NICU - again no infertility and not even premature - and the bills for that and me were big enough before insurance.
As for nightmares - AJU5 has them. She cries while asleep. Nursing works at night. During the day we just wake her up and let her play.
What a beautiful baby. It’s been said, but worth saying again…so worth every penny!
Here’s some Math humor for you:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/root_node/143275911/
Your post made me think of it!
Melissa
Wht a doll!! Yes, definately worth every penny!!
She’s absolutely gorgeous, and worth every penny!
OH MY GOSH. I thought you were taking literary liberties, exaggerating the total amount for funsies. I would have never guessed you were serious. And I can’t believe one of the things that sum makes you realize ISN’T that medical procedures/hospital stays are SO FREAKIN’ EXPENSIVE IT’S RIDICULOUS. Ridiculous! I mean, those numbers are like play numbers. Like Monopoly money. I would get that bill and promptly lose whatever small grasp on reality I’ve got.
OF COURSE Simone is worth it - I can’t believe that would even be a question for anyone - but HOLY HELL, MEDICAL COMMUNITY, GET A GRIP. Or, start taking Monopoly money. It’s up to you!
It just makes me sad that they charge so much. You are right, she is totally worth every penny - and then some. I just think it is so overpriced to help someone medically.
Holy mcJeez. How much of that do you have to pay? I hope very, very little. Simone needs more adorable onesies.
I think I am getting braver these days, as I am a reader, not a commenter by nature. But in re: to unexplained screaming and crying at night. YES, oh YES! My now, 3 year old son had them ALL the time as an infant- right up until, well, its probably been slight less than a year. It took us a couple of times to realize, even tho’ sometimes his eyes were open, he was not awake. And holding him made it worse, so we’d rubbed his back and make shushing noises.
So weird. He’s sort of grew out of them. I think he might be a sleep talker now (he’ll cry out in the middle of the night, I go in, he’ll say something like, “I want to play at the park” I’ll say, “okay. go back to sleep” and he does).
His brother, does none of this- well the crying part, he’s only 11 mos. old and working on the talking part..
While it is a LOT of $$ I believe Simone is worth every penny. I am glad you had insurance, and hope that your out of pocket max isn’t too high and your lifetime paid out amount is unlimited (or super duper high).
I so admire that you’re even attempting the higher-order math. Hope the next practice test is a breeze.
And I’m loving Simone’s hair these days. Your girl is rocking that faux-hawk.
I have to say, for $900k, you got a beautiful baby!
Also, my son had his first teeth appear at 14 weeks, so it’s not inconceivable that she is teething!
Forget it–that baby will never be sullen. I’m looking at those two cheerful-baby photos, and I can just tell you that is not the look of a baby who will ever grow up and turn sullen, even momentarily. I know these things.
Dude, yeah, I’m with you on the being able to hold it over her head when she sasses back to you. ‘Yeah, Missy, well you cost A MILLION DOLLARS!’
On second thought I’d probably get pretty thrilled if I’d cost a million bucks.
Dear Alexa,
You don’t know me from Adam and his first cousin - the venerable HMO representative agent - but I thought that as a practising NYC hospital reimbursement gal, I should chime in.
Your current Monopoly-like bill is as close as one can get to reading hospital bills in the spirit of one S. Beckett without committing a harakiri.
In simplistic reimbursement terms, we, the pariahs of US healthcare scams would kill a fetus or two to have you on our rooster. Why is that?
The fancier the procedure is, the more we get paid. Had you given the most unmemorable birth in the state of …. we would have reluctantly forgotten about you a long Simone-time-ago.Yet, you lucked out to be that lovely “outlier” whose case not only makes it, but breaks it. You, unwittingly so, happen to represent the coveted cohort of “complicated” patients. The longer you stay, the more we earn.
Enters the conundrum. We-the much and unjustifiably despised facility- will get reimbursed at rates that fall way too short and below the actual expense incurred by the hospital. The conundrum lies within the absurdist refusal of our government to prtovide universal healthcare. A seemingly utopian scenario, which works in reality. SHARE THE RISK. DISTRIBUTE the risk, in your case across fertile, infertile, micro-preemies, etc.
I may come across as a mildly deranged. Ha! I’m livid that no social revolution to stir much needed changes is even remotely lurking.
Can you start one? Please, Simone, please.
Let me just say that I adore you and your joy in Simone had made you just that much more delightful. For the reading public, definitely WORTH EVERY PENNY in added value. Never stop!
Your gift of humor blows me away.
Simone is so darling, I can hardly stand it. What a radiant face! Those eyes… those cheeks… the sweet little fingers… looks like a bargain at $900K!
Although I admit that I was at first waiting for the punchline, ha ha, $900,000, surely that’s not actually possible… that Alexa is such a trip… oh my god… she’s not joking.
Am now giving loving-but-stern lectures to my currently incubating daughter, who is expected to arrive mid-Sept, to be a very good on-time-or-even-late baby and not put Mommy and Daddy in the workhouse with insanely expensive hospital bills. We’re thanking god for insurance just with the normal prenatal bills, for crying out loud.
One more thought: I don’t know whether to be impressed with your gluttony for punishment, or make you some double-chocolate zucchini bread and a cup of tea, since punishment doesn’t really taste very good. Why, oh why must you torture yourself with math?! Isn’t caring for a 10-week-old hard enough without bringing quadratic equations into your life? I have successfully avoided advanced math for the last 12 or so years, but I’m pretty sure even running the QE on those medical bills isn’t going to reduce them to anything remotely realistic. Okay, moving on - I’m going to go adore Simone’s chubby cheeks a while longer to regain my perspective here. :)
Revolting numbers, I agree, yes! But it’s not fertility treatment that is the culprit here, it’s private healthcare! In Canada no one is asked to pay a cent to save their baby’s life. It is Simone’s RIGHT to exist.
May I make a suggestion re sleep habits? Between 4-6 months old both my daughters needed to be sort of “taught” how to nap. Meaning they would no longer take spontaneous sleeps, but needed to be “put” to sleep. Once in the a.m. and once in the p.m. The less sleep they had during the day the more utterly nightmarish it was getting them to bed at night. Simone’s screaming while trying to fall asleep sounds like it could be overtiredness to me. Overtiredness is an enemy not to be underestimated, lol. Just my 2 cents tho darling, I think you are doing a fab job.
She is totally worth it…what a doll! My son is 9 weeks and doing the EXACT same things. Chewing on his fists/our hands non-stop. This used to be a sure sign he was hungry…now I have no idea b/c I must be tone deaf and can only distinguish two cries (one is please mama hold me, usually accompanied by tears and the other is just plain I’m hungry/tired/bored/wet cry). Anyway, he was also just doing the first cry but totally asleep and it took everything in me not to pick him up because then he’ll really go beserk because he just wants to scream in his sleep. So I would say our babies are totally normal. Two makes normal, right?
And regarding the healthcare insanity, my mom, who works for an insurance administrator (whatever that is), explained it to me (when I started being confused about the insurance company discounts and the exhorbitant charges from the hospital) that the hospitals increase their charges each year and the ins company increases what they will reimburse, both by similar %s. So it has little to do with actual costs but is almost arbitrary, like inflation, which is just one small example of why US healthcare is stupid.
Every time I think she can’t possibly get any cuter, she does. Those big eyes, those chubby cheeks, that expectant look — adorable.
As for your medical bills: yikes. Hope it’s all covered by the $25 copay.
I don’t quite understand the CLEP thing. Why are doing this? Or more precisely, why are you doing this now? With a small (very cute) baby and no sleep? Are you trying to make us internets feel like slackers? Not that we aren’t…
Looks like you’re going back to your math at just the right time. So many big numbers to add up.
i’m just delurking to say, simone is worth every penny but jeez, no one should have to pay 900k in hospital bills ever!
and those crying in her sleep moments like something is chasing her, it really could be night terrors. i see them all the time, except, instead of a baby or a toddler… i have my 25 yr old husband. now THAT is a fun experience, he will talk to you, recognize you, calm down and not have the faintest clue of what you’re talking about the next day. but don;t worry, only like, 3 % of kids with night terrors don’t outgrow it and look! its not his mom’s problem anymore now is it! :-D
the rubbing the person’s back definitely works though, freaking them out works too but, um, scares them obviously :-D
My daughter has had some of those night crying episodes and my ped recommended some homeopathic teething dissolvable tablets called Hyland Teething Tablets. They’ve seemed to help - maybe they’ll be of use to you, too. Simone looks so beautiful and healthy!
Add a million more to that list of numbers, and she’s still worth it.
Look at those cheeks!
Yes, the night terrors happen at this age. Heartbreaking, but they seem none the worse for wear. As to the bills, we say that D. is a dear child. Very, very dear. And it fortunately works in Hebrew, too, and French, for you, if I’m not mistaken! So, yay! The best part was when we got some bill after we had celebrated his first birthday. And when it came and I saw the amount, I gave it to Mr. WG and he said, “I’ll handle it,” and he tore it up and threw it away. And I said, “Um, pardon me, but I don’t think that’s really handling it,” and he just smiled and handed me more wine.
I was on hospital bedrest for 2.5 weeks before delivering my daughter, and I had a Hep locked IV for most of that time. It left a small scar on my arm, which I intend to trot out when she’s about age 13 or so, just for effect.
Your numbers just killed me. I’m dead! Congratulations. Have you ever murdered someone by publishing something on your website before?
ANYWAY: Thanks for including actual numbers on this…a lot of us (me) don’t have a clue - but are very curious - about charges related to long hospital stays, and the usual “we came across some big medical bills!” doesn’t really mean anything. Very informative.
i’d pay a million in a heartbeat to save my little one, and quite frankly, i don’t care if my tax dollars or insurance payments or WHATEVER else go to keeping other people healthy/alive. i also recommend that everyone come to canada where no one has to decide whether to let their babies live or not… that is SHAMEFUL.
That bill blows my mind….
She is worth every penny. And then some!
Oh and my Lily gets those night terrors too. I’m not sure what causes them but they are heartbreaking. Thankfully they only last a few seconds. I don’t think I could take much more than that.
I have not seen the likes of those numbers since Sarge stopped having to be hospitalized every two weeks. I forgot how awful it can be. I’m so sorry.
But Simone? That baby who sweeps Baby of the Week every single time? Can’t put a price on that tiny life, that’s for sure. Let the naysayers spout what they will; she’s a miracle and the very finest of handiwork.
I hope Medicaid, or whatever it is called in your State, will pick up the rest of those bills. Yikes! It costs so much to be healthy, stay healthy and have babies these days!
Wow, Simone is so beautiful. She looks different now, a bit older and healthy. Enjoy every bit of her, every moment of her babyhood. It goes away so fast. My one and only is 33 years old now, and my grandkids are getting bigger - boys ages 10, 8 and 6, and a girl age 3. I treasure every moment with them. :)
About “screaming and crying while she was fast asleep” - another mom chiming in to say, yes, Ian did that, just a little later (see? Simone’s just awfully advanced.) It freaked me out tremendously, but stopped as suddenly and mystifyingly as it began.
Simone’s pictures make me smile, smile, smile.
Free child development lesson: If Simone is 10 weeks adjusted, then she is doing things that a 2 and a half month old can be doing and she can be doing things that a five month old can be doing as well. Teething and night-terrors can happen during any point during that span. I wonder what babies dream about that is so terrible, running out of milk maybe?
And the staggering cost of Simone’s bills - could have happened even if she wasn’t an IVF baby. Given the outcome, I’d bet you’d do it all again. After robbing a bank, of course.
I love reading your blog (thanks for etting me read it) and I absolutely loved this entry. Simone is a cutie and looks like she will be a smart-witty-one like her mom. I think Simon saw that 900k hospital bill and it’s giving her nightmares ;-) (BTW. My son is 3 months and he also has the teething and nightmare symptoms… Good to see he is not alone.)
Oh, she is SO worth it. Look at the joy she is bringing all of us…she is providing free therapy. See, it’s actually a savings.
Don’t worry, you’ll get to be smug when everyone else is moaning about the cost of college, you’ll have already spent at least half her lifetime cost by the time she came home!
I know this post is older now, but I just got to it (been going through the archives!) and holy CRAPOLA I cannot believe how much your bill was. I’m in Canada and we just don’t get medical bills! Of *course* it was worth it but my god, how long will you be paying that sucker off? If it’s not too rude/tacky to ask (and if it is, please ignore me!), how much of that will be left to you after the insurance covers its share?