More Wounded than Eloquent, I’m Afraid.

by Alexa on October 16, 2008

Last night, when John McCain dismissively couched his reference to a “health of the mother” exception to the late-term abortion ban in AIR QUOTES, I had an unexpected reaction. I had expected to be angry, and I was, angry at his cavalier treatment of the subject, at the inane and misleadingly benign phrase “culture of life” (whereas the rest of us, if not actually invested in a culture of DEATH, are merely “meh” on the concept of life. Life? Oh I can take it or leave it!). I was angry at his use of the term “pro-abortion,” a term that could only be coined by someone who has never had to contemplate such a procedure, or watched a loved one do the same. But what I wasn’t expecting last night was to feel my eyes suddenly hot and teary, to feel so profoundly hurt.

Ames died at 22 weeks. I was lucky—if anyone can be said to be lucky in these circumstances—that his water did not break for another two weeks, and lucky that IV antibiotics and hospital bedrest kept the infection in his amniotic fluid more-or-less contained for twelve days after that. But his water could just as easily have broken two days rather than two weeks after his death, and the infection could have been more virulent, spread faster, and reached critical mass much sooner—say when Simone was pre-viability, or on the very cusp of viability. Say 23 weeks instead of 25.

It is my understanding that McCain believes late-term abortion should be outlawed except when it is necessary to save the life of the mother. But when do you make that determination? When does “health of the mother” turn into “life of the mother,” anyway? What organs would the infection have to spread to and shut down before I would be permitted to terminate my pregnancy? Would they wait until I was on a ventilator, or merely until my lungs were beginning to fill with fluid?
At this juncture, many want to get down to the nitty gritty, and talk procedure. Some would ban various methods of dilation and extraction, but would graciously allow for the induction of labor or a C-section. Well, allow me to remind you that a C-section for a severely infected patient—as I would be if they had waited until the distinction between health and life became clear enough—is extremely risky. As for inducing labor, I had been IN labor for 16 hours when Simone—who was breech—was delivered by C-section. Again, how long would they have me labor while the infection spread? After all, it is not as if doctors could terminate my pregnancy once death was sufficiently imminent and then turn the infection off with some magical infection switch. Has McCain never seen an episode of House? Once infection has gotten a powerful foothold, once sespis has set in and organs are shutting down, the process is sometimes impossible to stop. I am talking primarily about infection here only because this was my particular situation, but these same arguments apply to other conditions, such as preeclampsia and HELLP.

I want to be clear: if McCain had his so-called “culture of life,” and if my condition had progressed just a bit earlier, I would at least have lost my uterus, and I might very well be dead. All this in the interest of a baby who could not possibly have lived, because while an extremely few 23-weekers do survive, a by-then-severely-infected 23-weeker would certainly not. “Culture of life,” indeed.

McCain states that he would deal with the issue of abortion with “courage and compassion.” I quote: “the courage of a pregnant mother to bring her child into the world and the compassion of civil society to meet her needs and those of her newborn baby.” As if terminating my pregnancy would be the easy way out, the way not requiring his precious “courage.” As if dictating my medical care based upon his religious beliefs is compassionate. And I find it interesting to note that his “compassion” for this newborn does not extend to guaranteeing it health insurance.

I have long suspected that McCain does not think much of women. First because of what I regarded as his rather uncouth treatment of the women in his personal life, and later when he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. But his words last night, and the tone in which he spoke them, show such a terrible and deep disregard for our personhood that they left me shocked and speechless. I have never felt so powerfully disenfranchised as when hearing McCain insinuate that women—us crafty minxes—are not above using trickery to get a (much-coveted, apparently) late-term abortion. How dare he. How dare he imply that women are either too stupid or immoral to be trusted to wrestle with ethical issues on their own. How dare he insult my intelligence, my character, and my commitment to my babies, to my much wanted and years-in-the-making pregnancy, by implying that he is better equipped than myself and my doctors to weigh my child’s life against my health. Women may have the vote, but we do not have the respect of a frighteningly vast segment of our government, and I am sickened and saddened to see it.

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{ 217 comments… read them below or add one }

Bethany October 17, 2008 at 7:40 am

Well said, Alexa. I agree with you completely.

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amanda October 17, 2008 at 7:44 am

you’re amazing. thank you for writing this. everyone should hear and read it before voting.

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bellevelma October 17, 2008 at 7:47 am

Well said!

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Saja October 17, 2008 at 8:15 am

Amen. And so very well put.

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Bean October 17, 2008 at 8:16 am

I have to disagree with you on one point. That was very eloquent! Thank you for posting this, I only hope that more people could read your and similar accounts to better understand what this is all really about. I experience such a mixture of rage and sadness over attitudes like McCain’s that I can feel my blood pressure creeping up just thinking about it.

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Jen October 17, 2008 at 8:28 am

I thought of you and Simone and Ames when I saw that. And it pissed me off too. Eloquent as always.

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Knot October 17, 2008 at 8:28 am

That was very insightful. Do you think the issue could be resolved if we defined life beginning at conception?

Knot

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Erin October 17, 2008 at 8:37 am

I think that was extremely eloquent and very well stated. It’s too bad people like John McCain are so dismissive of things like “science” and “medicine” when coming up with these policies. They seem to rank right up there with the “health” of the mother. It sickens me that 43% of people still think he’s a more qualified candidate for president.

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MC October 17, 2008 at 8:44 am

Thank you. Sharing this was courageous. Reading it was eye opening. I was having this same debate in my head this morning, but I did not have the words. I’m so glad to see that someone does!

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Jen October 17, 2008 at 8:45 am

thank you for writing this.

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Tammy October 17, 2008 at 9:14 am

Nicely put!

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Denise October 17, 2008 at 9:16 am

Thank you. Very well said.

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Ms. Huis Herself October 17, 2008 at 9:19 am

Came over from a link from Amelia Sprout. Very, very well said!

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courtney October 17, 2008 at 9:31 am

wonderfully put. I’ve never been pregnant (or wanted to be, yet) but when McCain tossed off that comment I was beside myself with rage. & I was so grateful that Obama took the time to explain why having laws that UNEQUIVOCALLY prevent a type of pregnancy termination are an insult to women & a disaster for the country.

I’m so glad you wrote this, & I’m glad to see it’s being widely distributed. it deserves to be.

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Mymsie October 17, 2008 at 9:39 am

Amen, amen, amen!

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Beth October 17, 2008 at 9:44 am

It is so important that you write this, that you put a face and a name on this very complex and painful issue. So many want to make this issue all black or all white, and what you say, what you say wisely and sadly, is that everything here is gray. Just like life is gray…thank you for being brave enough to put your story out here and brave enough to force others to think, really think, instead of speaking in generalizations and useless rhetoric. I am humbled by your experience.

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MyTurn October 17, 2008 at 9:54 am

I have three comments:

- One, I wholeheartedly agree. I have always been in support of a woman’s right to choose, but even more so as I get older. I have had a different (but also painful) experience than you Alexa, I had to make the decision to terminate two pregnancies, both well into the second trimester. Both babies had no kidneys (confirmed by three specialists) and the prognosis for each was “incompatible with life.” Yet both babies could have survived — who knows for how long — in utero. If McCain’s stance that late term D&E’s were prohibited, I would have been forced to go to the doctor each day, possibly for weeks or months, to check if there was a hearbeat. While my physical health was arguably not in any immediate danger, my mental health certainly was. I am outraged to think that I would not have had an any options if McCain had his way. I certainly did not have the strength to fight any legal battles to have a procedure that no man (or Palin) should be able to deny me.

- Two, like Sarah TX, I wonder how many second trimester terminations there really are. My guess is that the vast majority are for pregnancies that were very much wanted (like mine). And yet, I’ve never heard any one talk about the numbers. That makes it very easy for the right in this country to paint the issue with broad brush strokes.

- Three, I have always found it highly hypocritical that the Republican party, who on the one hand espouses reduced government intervention into people’s lives (let the markets regulate themselves, etc), yet on the other hand believes they can and should intervene into something that is so personal to a woman’s mind and body. This is one issue where I think government should butt out, my pregnancy is between me and my doctor (okay, and my husband), government, you don’t get to have a say in it.

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Melanie October 17, 2008 at 9:58 am

The man wants to make it illegal EXCEPT for medical cases, as my ob/gyn explained to me (after I took a nasty fall at 5 months preggo right on my belly), that the first priority of the doctor is ALWAYS the mother, the health and well-being of the mother, the babies health is secondary.

I had a cousin who lost a twin in utero and had to deliver the other one (who weighed 1 lb 2 oz) because they were in the same sac and infection was threatening. The DOCTOR made my cousin the first priority, by a miracle Christina made it (and is now a healthy happy 8 year old), another friend had severe preemplasia (or however that is spelled) she was induced and her baby did not make it, her doctor put her health first, I have another friend with a story too sad to tell, but let me assure you her doctor put HER health first and foremost.

I guess my point in all this is that I cannot imagine ANYONE really believing that John McCain wants women to die or that he could even get legislation so stringent that it is so strictly defined that only XYZ could possibly allow for a termination of the pregnancy.

I can totally understand why people do like him, can’t say that I like him much, I dont really like Obama either (but then i blame my belief that our system takes good men and women,and turns them corrupt before they even win a single election–because of the money required to get oneself elected, you know they have lots of people saying take care of me, i got you elected–but i digress). I have very fundamental differences with BOTH candidates, that said, I do not believe either one of them has some evil plan to make our lives hell.

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chasingparadise October 17, 2008 at 10:06 am

Very eloquent, actually. Thank you for posting. I came here from a shared item on Oh! How Lovely!’s blog reader. The problem with McCain (and other conservatives/”family values” politicians) is that they think they know what is best FOR US. Whatever happened to autonomic thought and knowledge? Don’t we get the benefit if making decisions for our own, yes, HEALTH after speaking to a doctor? I really couldn’t believe it when he said that…I felt like blowing him up. Right there on the stage in front of everyone. If I was Cindy McCain, I might have exploded all over him. I loved that Barack Obama made the point to say something like “abortion is never a decision ANY WOMAN WANTS to make.” At least he acknowledges that we’re not doing it simply to get out of it.

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Kristen October 17, 2008 at 10:11 am

Absolutely! Alexa, that was spot on. Thank you for saying what so many of us weren’t able to verablize. Simone is such a lucky girl to have such a wonderful and eloquent mother.

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Robin October 17, 2008 at 10:26 am

Word. All I can do is splutter incoherently in frustration.

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babelbabe October 17, 2008 at 10:39 am

I have been lurking for some time now, and finally want to weigh in to say thank you for sharing. Your courage and compassion have impressed me before; this post even more so. I was an Obama supporter anyway, so nothing McCain said could have switched me, but I appreciate your clear and, yes, eloquent take and explanations.

Give Simone a kiss from a stranger on the Internet; i love seeing her pics and hearing about her.

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dana October 17, 2008 at 10:52 am

I’m apparently in the minority, but I agree with #67 Melanie here. I work in the healthcare field and frankly, I think doctors will always put the mother’s health first. I don’t think the legislation will ever get too deeply into the areas of gray you describe.

I’m in the 8% undecided voter category here, but it is a little tiring to hear how “afraid” everyone is of McCain.

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Casey October 17, 2008 at 10:57 am

Let us hope that with your poignant and powerful writing–and that of others who have been equally moved to do so–that women as a force will RISE UP and VOTE to keep John McCain out of the oval office. I really, truly hope that whoever reads your story will realize that we cannot let him lead our country, for this and many, many other reasons.

Thanks for writing.

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sarah October 17, 2008 at 11:01 am

holy shit, you’re 100% right.

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michellejoy61@gmail. October 17, 2008 at 11:05 am

Amazingly well put, my friend!!!

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marcoda October 17, 2008 at 11:08 am

You are beautiful. Thank you for putting into such perfect and fitting words what many women, and men, are feeling about this incredibly touchy subject. I too was angered by this, as many people were.

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Alex October 17, 2008 at 11:17 am

This is wonderfully eloquent.

Honestly, every single time I come to your blog I am amazed and thankful that Simone is alive and thriving — even given the “good” luck that you did have (in terms of how long Ames’ sac lasted after his death, and how long it took for infection to set in), it is, truly, amazing that she made it. As you say, it’s astonishing you didn’t have to make even harder choices than you did, and I’m so thankful you didn’t — but also well aware that you, and every woman, needs them available in case she faces a situation like you so very nearly did.

Thank you for writing about this.

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Elizabeth October 17, 2008 at 11:24 am

The reason John McCain put health of the mother in air quotes is that abortion providers have spread the definition to include depression, as in “I will be depressed if I have to have this baby, and depression can be a life threatening condition. I am perfectly healthy, and my baby is perfectly healthy, but I will say I’m depressed to get an abortion.” That’s all he meant. He doesn’t mean that when the mother and/or child is in imminent danger of death that medical professionals should not intervene.

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Jeanna October 17, 2008 at 11:26 am

You’ve said what I’ve been thinking, but couldn’t organize for myself.
Thanks for stating this so well and unknowingly organizing my own scattered thoughts.

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Bad Hippie October 17, 2008 at 12:10 pm

“Courage and compassion” to help the mother who doesn’t want to raise a baby (or who cannot raise a baby), huh?

I was 19 when my son was born, and let me tell you…the government didn’t help me. My family did. I doubt very highly that McCain or Palin would have a good sense of what type of services are actually needed to help women facing these tough choices raise their children.

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Sarah October 17, 2008 at 12:12 pm

Thank you. I simply fumed and said to my husband, “that is so offensive. It is so offensive to say women can not make choices for themselves. he has never been in that situation he doesn’t know even what the choice means. that is so offensive.” Followed by a half hour of “that is so offensive”. So thank you for putting it much more coherently and effectively.

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Becky October 17, 2008 at 12:31 pm

He makes me so very afraid. So. Afraid.

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Michell October 17, 2008 at 1:06 pm

Oh my. What a fantastic and amazing post. Thank you for showing me this perspective. I am very pro choice mostly because to even put small guidelines or rules on who can have an abortion leaves the decision of that in the hands of someone who is completely unaffected by the decision. I had however never thought of the late term abortion being connected to preterm labor and complications. Wow.

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jlp October 17, 2008 at 1:45 pm

Thank you for this fabulous post. I was livid during the debate.

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luna October 17, 2008 at 1:47 pm

this is just the most eloquent and perfect response. maddening it is.

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Sara October 17, 2008 at 2:14 pm

I read Dooce’s post, but reading this makes her posting it make so much more sense. I didn’t realize his disregard or his presentation of the issue of abortion. I just hope it really doesn’t come up as an issue for a President to address. Wonderfully put.

Obama 08

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80 October 17, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Thank you!

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elizabeth October 17, 2008 at 2:26 pm

This was a very well written post and while I am not nearly as eloquent, I have a few things to say. I read through all the comments and finally found some that showed some rational though, besides just being emotional. I understand that to face such a decision would be terrible and that the though of oneself dying let alone one’s unborn child is extremely terrible… but to use it as an “excuse” for abortion has never made sense to me. A commenter above said that her doctor told her that they would put the mother’s health first, such in the case of infection (I don’t know your situation, but I would assume, just from limited experience, that they were just trying to buy a little time, not kill you, just so the other baby had a little better chance), or preeclampsia. The doctor would induce labor and then once the baby was delivered, try and give it the best medical care available (like where I work, a cutting edge children’s hospital with a state of the art NICU)… but to say that you should just ABORT that baby because the mother might die, when there is always a chance of saving the baby is wrong (in my opinion).
So while I pain for you and your loss a nd struggle while reading this post, I still cannot think of any reason anyone should kill a baby.

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toomuchstrong October 17, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Amen! I wish I could have articulated this issue as well as you did. McCain’s discussion of abortion bothered be BEYOND WORDS, but up to this point, I hadn’t seen anyone else talk about it with such eloquence (and anger). You go girl!

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kate October 17, 2008 at 2:31 pm

I could not agree with you more. I will never understand why anyone would think that people are pro abortion people are pro choice. I have never ever met a woman that wanted to have an abortion but felt that it was what had to be done for various reasons.

I could not agree with you more. I feel John McCain feels women are second class citizens and that is evident in his most recent debate.

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Amanda October 17, 2008 at 2:37 pm

Government has no place in this issue- unless it is to regulate the sanitary conditions of the facilities or the necessary qualifications of the doctors. McCain is confused, dilusional, and frankly needs to bow down……Men have no concept of the emotional and physical trauma of abortion- the issue needs to be mute when it comes to presidentail debates and governmental discussions.

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Laurie October 17, 2008 at 2:39 pm

Dana #72: I work in the healthcare field and frankly, I think doctors will always put the mother’s health first. I don’t think the legislation will ever get too deeply into the areas of gray you describe.

I don’t mean to be combative, but you are mistaken about this. Legislation (not to mentioned a bunch of attempted legislation in the works) has already gotten into the business of removing legal punishment from health professionals (doctors, nurses, EMTs, pharmacists, etc.) who decline to put the health of women first because of their so-called morals. I’m surprised you don’t know about any of this. Look up the term “conscience clause” sometime. You might change your mind about being undecided.

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sheila October 17, 2008 at 2:40 pm

McCain and Palin are fucking assholes. Cannot be said any more simpler than that. No mincing words.

There is something extremely destructive about Palin. Affairs, teen pregnancy, forcing your 17 yr old to marry, her nepotism, her abuse of office? And she’s this wonderfully religious person? WTF is she kidding?

McCain is a shriveled up old bastard and a memory of his former self.

God help us all if these two get in the WH.

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Alicia October 17, 2008 at 2:53 pm

Well said, very well said.

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Grace October 17, 2008 at 3:00 pm

elizabeth #88, please read Alexa’s and Scott’s and Simone’s and Ames’ story before you assume that anyone here wants to “kill babies”.

Blessings,
Grace B.

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Lauren October 17, 2008 at 3:02 pm

I put a link to this as my Facebook status, and I have no doubt that some of my closest friends (who happen to be conservative Catholics) will respond negatively to that. But I HAD to do it.

Thank you so much, and I’m so sorry that you have the experience to back up what you’re saying. (That’s not sarcastic, I’m totally sincere.)

Also, Simone is ADORABLE!

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ds October 17, 2008 at 3:03 pm

I linked to you from Heather’s site. Permanent position on my short list of favorites. Thank you for your eloquence. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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Peigi October 17, 2008 at 3:05 pm

I agree 100% (more, if that were possible). McCain exhibited a complete lack of understanding never mind compassion. Offensive.

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Sarah October 17, 2008 at 3:11 pm

I came here after reading a snippit of this over at Dooce. I just wanted to say thank you.

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