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The Triumphant Return of Thoroughly Trivial Tuesday.

So, a few weeks ago, I started a new Tuesday feature. I kept it up for two weeks, and on the third week, Simone had that first terrible OMGMYBABYCAN’THEAR appointment, and the week after THAT was the election, and my poor little feature fell by the wayside. If you cast your mind back through the mists of time, you will remember that said feature was a sort of show-and-tell, and so here I am again, telling and showing.

After I quit my job this past April, Scott and I drove to my office to clean out my desk. It was early on a Saturday morning, a time chosen to avoid running into any of my now-former coworkers. I felt ill. It was impossible not to remember the last time I had been there, leaving for a routine OB appointment to check on the babies. Strange, perhaps, but I was almost embarrassed as I slunk through the familiar doors. I’d left in January a smugly round mother-to-be, and was returning beaten: one baby dead, the other in the midst of a 15-week sojourn in intensive care. Of course I knew my embarrassment was preposterous, but I am uncommonly skilled at sustaining preposterous emotions.

Almost everything in my office went straight into the large trash bag we had carried with us. What I saved, besides a pair of shoes and a mug, was the magazine clipping I’ve pinned above my desk everywhere I have ever worked. Even in my foul mood that day, as I shoved a vase of dead flowers into the garbage, I giggled, looking at a cartoon I had seen maybe 50,000 times before. It is just that funny.

I could tell you a dozen similar stories about bad days, or looming deadlines, that were lightened just enough by a glance at this particular scrap of paper. I have had it since college. Saving cartoons has always seemed the province of maiden aunt types—women who identify with Cathy’s search for the perfect swimming suit, or find Ziggy funny, or refuse to admit that anyone as schmucky as Charlie Brown deserves every pratfall he gets. But god help me I love this damn thing:

Cartoon

Now, there isn’t much to comment on with these show-and-tell posts, I know. You could say “nice cartoon!” or offer an acronym indicating amusement, but I am giving you an assignment instead: if you have a favorite joke or funny something, post it in the comments. That way, whenever someone (and by “someone” I mean “Alexa”) needs cheering up, they can return to delight in the bounty of off-color limericks and excellent puns. You know how I feel about puns.

124 comments

  1. Hee! One my faves is an old Far Side, with a bunch of T-Rexes sitting around the dinner table. One is saying, “I’m TRYING to pass the potatoes! My forearms are just as short and useless as yours!”

    So anytime someone gets impatient with me over something, I say, “I’m TRYING to pass the potatoes!”

  2. Jennifer says:

    1. My wife ran away with my best friend and I sure do miss him.
    2. How can I miss you if you never leave?

    Not exactly jokes, just funnies….

  3. Toni says:

    My father told me this one when I was nine…

    “What does Sinead O’Connor do when she’s done brushing her hair?”

    “Pull up her pants”

    Gotta love my dad.

  4. Hannah says:

    My favorite funnies:

    1. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other
    says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

    2. What do you call a fish with no “I’s”
    Fsssssshhhhhh. (um… that one is better when you say it – not write it… eyes… I’s… har har har)

    I think I might be lame…
    Hannah

  5. Hannah says:

    I have another. This was unintentional but made my husband snort. You should know I’m the queen of confusing words and jumbling sentences… Anyway, the other day, frustrated with work I was complaining to my husband and said something about “wallpapering cats”. Now a new popular saying in our home.

    (wallpapering fog + wrangling cats = in my mind; wallpapering cats. An equally obstinate task IMO)

  6. Cori says:

    I’ve been carrying around an old Far Side for years with a picture of a daschund making itself an espresso. The caption reads, “While their owners sleep, nervous little dogs prepare for their day.”

  7. Sarah says:

    “Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government, when searching for mad cow, can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

    I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.”

  8. confiance says:

    Did you hear about Ghandi as an older man? He was very fragile. And he walked around barefoot everywhere, so he had really huge callouses on his feet. And the diet he ate gave him bad breath, which he could smell, himself. It annoyed him.

    So he was a super-calloused, fragile mystic vext with hallitosis.

    I also have a Mutts cartoon of the little pink sock – http://muttscomics.com/cast/images/lps/3.gif

  9. K says:

    Not exactly a joke, but when things get crazy around here my husband and I quote “Airplane!”

    Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!

  10. Jane says:

    Okay, I can’t find these two to scan so I’ll just have to describe them. They both ran in the New Yorker magazine and I had them up in my office for years, only taking them down when my office was painted. Warning: they are both academic, English Dept. humor which Alexis may appreciate b/c she once was an English major. Others with a low tolerance for academic humor (and a higher tolerance for sanity) may want to avoid them.

    First cartoon: two men standing by a phone with perplexed looks on their faces. Caption: “It said that the class had been canceled because of unpleasantness in the English Department.”

    Second cartoon: two women drawn in profile talking. “I mean major stress here. I dreamt that Barbara Bush had enrolled for my Virginia Woolf seminar.”

    Full disclosure: I’m an English professor who often teaches Virginia Woolf. These cartoons never failed to cheer me up no matter how bad my day had been!

    Love the baby chub on Simone! (And I personally was a big fan of Benadryl with my first daughter. My second daughter got hyper with it and I rarely used it with her. So test it before taking it on the road, if you know what I mean.)

    Best, Jane

  11. IrishGumbo says:

    Guy walks into a medical clinic: “I want to see a chiropractor!”

    Doctor: “I’m a chiropractor, sir.”

    Man: “Chiropractor, eh? Funny, you don’t look Egyptian!”

    Badda-bum! Thank you, thank you, I’m here all week!

  12. Leslie says:

    The vulture is checking in for his airline flight, and the ticket agent asks if he would like to check his dead armadillo. “No, that’s carrion.”

  13. WaltzInExile says:

    In early 2000, after starting a new job and realizing that it was not going to go well, I saw an article in the local (Columbus, OH) paper that I cut out and hung on my wall. I can’t remember the exact headline they used, but it translated roughly to “Stupid people don’t know they’re stupid” (my translation, obviously) and it never failed to cheer me up. I can’t find the article anymore (last office job was 3+ years ago) but the Cornell study that the article was based on can be found at:
    http://www.apa.org/journals/features/psp7761121.pdf

  14. Another Jessica says:

    What’s green and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?

    A four-door pickle.

    Of course!

    Found that doozey in a Christmas cracker and it has made me pee my pants dozens of times since. My family is utterly baffled, as am I.

  15. erin says:

    i always laugh hysterically and forget the punchline 2 days later.

    but this, fresh from my senile mother this morning:

    A man sees an ice cream vendor and requests a chocolate cone.
    “We are actually out of chocolate today. We do have vanilla, strawberry, maple walnut…” says the vendor.

    “I want chocolate,” says the man.

    “Yes, but unfortunately we are out of chocolate today. Like I said, we have vanilla, strawberry, or tutti frutti…” offers the vendor.

    “I’ll have chocolate,” says the man politely.

    “How do you spell the van in vanilla?” asks the vendor.

    The man hestitantly replies…”V-A-N?”

    “Very good,” says the vendor. “How do you spell the F*CK in chocolate?”

    The man thinks. “There IS no F*CK in chocolate.”

    “EXACTLY” says the vendor.

  16. Sara says:

    My favorite cartoon, carried from job to job. A bunch of dogs in a lifeboat, ship sinking in the background. One dog stands up and says “All in favor of eating all our food now, raise your hands!” and every dog has their hand up. Caption: Why dogs never survive shipwrecks.

    And best (dirty ish) joke, or really, the only one I can remember:
    Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
    A. Because he was stuck in the chicken.

  17. Heather says:

    I have a couple of favorites
    1. Lucy and Linus on the couch she tells him “You think I’m crabby now..wait until I’m 40 or 50 and when I’m sixty, I’ll be even more crabby! But just wait ’til I’m eighty then you’ll see crabby like nothing ever before!” Linus asks her “what about when you’re ninety?” She says “then I’ll be real nice”
    2. Garfield is laying on the table and Jon asks him “what are you doing today” He responds” I thought I’d finish my memoirs, and then paint the house” Jon says “I sense sarcasm” Garfield continues”and then it’s on to community service” —-I tell my husband this all the time

  18. Carbon says:

    One night, there was a terrible burglary. A midget psychic had robbed a bank, and the authorities were not able to catch him.

    The next day the headlines read, “Small Medium at Large”

  19. Kessie Parker says:

    Awful? Yes. Funny…YES.

    What does Sarah Palin’s mouth and vagina have in common?

    Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded.

    Yes. That just happened.

    I love you Alexa!!! :-)

  20. Marie says:

    Here’s a joke that made me smile today….

    My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
    “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”
    “Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

  21. Melinda says:

    I had a Dave Barry column pinned to my desk all through college. I forget the point of it now, but in it, he referred to his “small, emergency backup dog, Zippy.” For whatever reason, that sent me into hysterics every time, and kept me from losing my mind in many a procrastination-fueled, research paper panic.

  22. lb says:

    Three ropes are trying to get into a bar, but ropes aren’t allowed in bars, so they decide to disguise themselves.

    First rope puts on a cowboy hat and boots, a big belt buckle and a bandana. He walks into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says “HEY! Are you a rope?” The rope says, sadly, “Yah, I’m a rope,” and he has to leave.

    Second rope puts on an eyepatch and a hook and straps on a wooden leg. He lurches into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says “HEY! Are you a rope?” The rope has to admit “Yah, I’m a rope,” and so he leaves.

    The third rope is the cleverest. He ties himself in a knot and takes out a penknife and frays his ends a bit. He walks right into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says “HEY! Are you a rope?” “Nope, I’m a frayed knot!”

    That kills me every time. Probably because I am stupid.

  23. Juli says:

    Well, I can’t find a copy online anywhere, but years ago I saw a Sylvia comic that makes me laugh every time I think about it. Sylvia and a girlfriend are sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and the girlfriend says, “You know, I’m really too hard on Harry, and I shouldn’t be, he’s a very good husband.” Sylvia supportively says, “I’ve always liked Harry.” The girlfriend snaps, “That’s because you don’t know him like I do.” Sylvia, unruffled, replies, “The man is a dirtbag. He should be made into a rug.”

    And my favorite ridiculous riddle:
    Q; Why are elephants big and grey and wrinkled?

    A: Because if they were small and white and smooth, they would be aspirin.

  24. Kathy R says:

    My favorite joke:

    Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
    A: Make me one with everything.

    My all-time favorite Onion headlines:
    “Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid”
    “Books Don’t Take You Anywhere”
    -and-
    “Does This Cock Ring Make Me Look Fat?”

  25. cc says:

    So this cabbie picks up a nun and while driving her to her destination, he tells he he must confess a deep, dark secret to her. The nun says “Go ahead my son, unburden yourself”. He tells her he always had a fascination about kissing a nun and he is ashamed but still very curious, perhaps he could kiss her? The nun says only under two circumstances – that he is unmarried and Catholic. He says both are true so he stops the cab and they have a very passionate kiss. The cabbie then says “Sister, I must confess something else – I am actually married and Jewish” to which she replies, “That’s okay my son, my name is Kevin and I am on my way to a Halloween party”.

    Maybe I am juvenille for laughing every time at this, maybe it was having to go to catholic church at 6:45 am from birth until college unless I had a broken limb, which I never did… :) Love your blog and the cute cheeks of your superbaby!

  26. Kathryn says:

    Oh, I have one all right, but it is VERY long and VERY dirty, and if I post it you will get porno-rocked in the worst possible way. It involves Little Red Riding Hood and her little red panties, and it is a corker.

  27. Something I think about whenever I need a laugh is the time my friend and I were doing homework and simultaneously chattering (and therefore not really concentrating properly on the aforementioned homework.)

    It was history homework, you see, and my friend was in the middle of writing the sentence “the servants were paid five shillings.” But because she was distracted by something I was telling her about whichever boy I had a crush on at the time. SHE ACCIDENTALLY CROSSED THE “L”S IN “SHILLINGS” THE WAY YOU WOULD CROSS YOUR “T”S.

    And so yep, she turned in her history homework containing the phrase “the servants were paid five shittings.”

    The teacher was not amused. But by god, I certainly was.

  28. kali says:

    one of my fav. out-loud classics:
    A man walks into a bar with a small lizard on his shoulder. Bartender asks him “hey, what’s that?” Guy replies “oh, that’s my pet, Tiny.”
    “Why do you call it that?” the bartender asks.
    “Because he’s minute!”
    (get it? my-newt? minute? HAAA.)

  29. Lorien says:

    The bumper sticker:
    Jesus Loves You
    but the rest of us think you’re an asshole

    Deep thought paraphrased: I hope if dogs ever take over the world, they don’t pick their leader by size…cause I bet there are some chihuahuas with great ideas.

  30. Kathryn says:

    Incredibly, I have a different Buddhist/hot dog joke to tell:

    With a wry smile, the Buddhist monk gives his order to the hot dog vendor: “Make me one with everything!” The vendor chuckles appreciatively, hands the monk his food, and turns to his next customer. “What about my change?” says the monk, to which the vendor replies, “Change must come from within.”

    All time favorite series of REALLY BAD jokes:

    What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape?

    A grape is purple!

    What did Jim say when he saw a bunch of elephants?

    “Ooh! Look at all the pretty grapes!”
    (Jim is colorblind)

    And then!
    This: http://www.hingos.com/patches/index.php?pt=060323

  31. Newt says:

    I have no idea if it’s true or not, but I was always impressed with the story of Dorothy Parker playing a parlor game where each player was given a word, and had to turn it into a pun. Parker got the doozy “horticulture” and came up with this:

    “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

    She won the game.

  32. gumbo says:

    Two muffins are sitting in the refrigerator when one muffin looks at the other and asks “Are you cold, too?”

    The other muffin responds “OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!”

  33. Dorothea says:

    My two favorite dirty jokes –

    Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants? So you can read her lips.

    Did you hear about the Polish actress that moved to Hollywood? She fucked a writer.

    Favorite clean joke –

    What did one hot dog say to the other hot dog? Hi, Frank.

    Love your blog. You are true warrior!

  34. pehicicila says:

    Alexa you knew I would have to share my favorite, didn’t you?

    Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking up out of his pants. Bartender says “What’s with the steering wheel?” Pirate says “Aaaarghhh. It’s driving me nuts.”

    You need the accent. And did you know it was recently international talk like a pirate day? Seriously. Thought of that one all day around the office that day and it made me chuckle.

  35. twangypearl says:

    Always a fan of:
    I’ll run over your dogma with my karma.
    (although I feel a bit sorry for the dog-ma)
    Versa vice
    Also shaming as it is, when anyone says 2.30 in this house, I feel compelled to reply: Tooth hurty? time to go to the dentist!
    GROAN!

  36. L says:

    These have been great! I have been laughing until I cry. Had to add two. My dad’s from when I was little. Why did the man take his nose apart? To see what made it run. And mine. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A fish.

  37. Glynda the Good says:

    How many Irish mammies (substitute Jewish mothers, etc, as you wish) does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Ah don’t worry about me, I’ll just sit here by myself all alone in the dark…

    Good with stage Oirish accent I think.

    I have more.

    I may be back

    PS Good luck tomorrow

  38. Erica says:

    I have this quote from a newspaper article on my wall at work that says ” I ain’t never seen it this low.” “This is wierd.” It was a comment someone made about a lake/damn being low. It just struck me so funny that a newspaper would publish such a sensless comment like that. I laugh every time I see it.

  39. Kate says:

    I have 2. Equally lame, but in different ways

    1)Sarah Palin’s kids’ names. And the other humor relating to it–the Sarah Palin Name Generator, the comed skits and sketches. So now, whenever I need cheering up I just look around the room at random objects and think of them as a potential Sarah Palin kid name. Doorknob. Mousepad. Pliers. See?

    2)What’s brown and sticky?

    A stick.

    What’s brown and lays in the forest?

    Bear poop!

  40. From the joke show on A Prairie Home Companion.

    What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and Scottsman?

    The Rolling Stones say “Hey you! Get off of my cloud. ”

    The Scottsman says “Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!”

    It is a horribly bad joke, but it is still one of my all time favorites. Especially when you use the Scottish accent. There is also a collection of Ole & Lena jokes that a Norweigan bachelor farmer used to tell my mother (the massage therapist) that are bad, but so good.

  41. anna says:

    Guy gets into a cab in Boston, and wants to try the local fish speciality. “Take me someplace where I can get scrod,” he says. The cabbie thinks a bit, and says, “you know, I’ve heard of it in the present, and in the future, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”

  42. shannon says:

    Proof that there is something wrong with me:

    Favorite cartoon: Far Side: Mr & Mrs Frog in a car, Mr Frog in the driver’s seat, eyes wide open, Mrs. Frog in passnger seat, distraught. Caption: “Watch out for that tree, you idiot! … And now you’re on the wrong side of the road. Crimony! You’re driving like you’ve been pithed or something.”

    Favorite Onion headline: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382.

  43. MsPrufrock says:

    I have two office-related items. One is actually in my office, the other was taken home and put on my fridge.

    The first one (at work), is an email I got from an applicant which says “Thanks alot. It’s good to have you as a father.” Oh, those crazy international students and their mixed up English!

    The second also involves imperfect English, because apparently I like to mock those for whom it is not the first language. Anyway, it was an advert posted on a bulletin board in one of the uni buildings regarding a local flat available for rent. It goes into great detail about the number of bedrooms, loos, parking, etc, and the final line is “and best of all, a very large chicken.” So this flat, among its various accoutrements, also comes with a very large chicken. If that’s not a deal-maker, I don’t know what is. Chicken, kitchen, tomayto, tomahto.

  44. A says:

    Almost any Pearls Before Swine comic involving Rat.

    Favorite bad joke: Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn’t concentrate!

  45. mommo4.5 says:

    Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks–

    1st drunk: This is the longest flight of stairs I’ve ever been on in my life!

    2nd drunk: It’s not the length of the stairs that bothers me, it’s the height of this stupid banister!

  46. Melissa says:

    Oooooh I have a few!

    The frayed rope one is my all time fave, but since that one’s already been covered:

    How do you make a kleenex dance?
    Put a little boogie in it!

    Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
    He felt crummy.

    Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?
    He needed a filling.

    A duck walks in to a grocery store. He picks up a tube of chapstick, takes it up to the counter. He hands it to the cashier and says “Here, put it on my bill.”

    What do you call two guys hanging out by a window?
    Kurt ‘n Rod

    Okay, okay I’ll stop. ;-)

  47. Melissa says:

    Oh, I forgot a great one:

    A man hears a knock at his door. He goes to the door and their is a duck on his front porch. The duck says “Got any corn?”. The man, mystified, says “No I don’t.” and shuts the door.

    The next day, again, a knock at the door. The man answers, same duck, “You got any corn?”. The man is slightly annoyed and says “No, I don’t. And please don’t come back.”.

    Third day, knock on the door. The man is getting quite angry and frustrated now. He answers the door and sure enough there is the duck, who says, “Got any corn?”. The man yells this time and says: “No. I do not have any corn and if you come back here again I will nail your floopy, webbed feed to that porch!” and he slams the door.

    Believe it or not, again, the next day there is a knock at the man’s door. He swings the door open and sure enough, there is the duck. The duck says “Got any nails?”. The man, confused, says “well, um, no I don’t…” and the duck says, “OK, got any corn?”.

  48. Anne says:

    A five year old kid told me this a long time ago and I still love it…

    I fell on my butt the other day.
    Now I have a big crack in it.

    Maybe it was because he delivered it so well – deadpanned.

  49. Liz says:

    My favorite far side of all times: two dead bodies, toe tags and everything being pushed on gurneys through a field where they are crossing paths. The caption? “When a body meets a body coming through the rye.”

  50. Lucia says:

    The chicken and the egg are basking in the afterglow of some rather amorous lovemaking, but the egg looks kind of down in the mouth. “Hey, what’s wrong, Egg?” asks the chicken.
    The egg laughs hollowly and says, “Huh, guess we answered *that* question.”

  51. Madeleine says:

    This is the Dilbert that was on my cubicle wall many years ago. I can’t find an image of it but I found the entire dialog written up:

    Phil: My next victim. I am Phil, the prince of insufficient light and supreme ruler of heck!!
    Dilbert: Hi, Phil.
    Phil: You must choose one of these two hideous fates to pay for your sins. You can choose eternal high pay, but all of your work will be burned in front of you at the end of each day… Or you can choose eternal poverty, but your work will be useful and appreciated.
    Dilbert: WOW! They’re *both* better than my current job! Hey, Wally, you might want to get in on this!
    Wally: I watch TV when I’m supposed to be telecommuting. Do me first!
    Phil: I hate the nineties.

    And yes, I left my corporate job for a non-profit not too long after.

  52. Marcie says:

    THAT is freaking hilarious!!!!! LMAO!!!!! I’ve got a few of my favs saved also. They’re several years old by now, but they STILL make me laugh out loud!!!!!

  53. becki says:

    Far Side comics are by far (side) my favorite comics of all! I couldn’t find a picture of my absolute favorite, but these runners up will do. :)

    http://youcouldfeelthesky.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/farside-wendell-im-not-content.jpg

    and another

    http://www.idiotonastick.com/talk/images/thefarside-mar11.jpg

    The favorite of mine that I can’t find is the following scenario:

    A dog, cat and owner all bend down at once to get a ball on the floor and the bird in the cage has a thought bubble that reads, “Yes…” The caption below says “The coconut like sound of their heads colliding secretly delighted the bird.”

  54. Lisa C. says:

    The girl potato goes home and tells her parents that she wants to marry Walter Cronkite. Her father says: “you can’t marry him he’s just a commentator”. And What do John-the-Baptist and Winnie-the-Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

  55. martha says:

    This is a total science geek quote, but it kills me. I’m laughing in my office now thinking about it.

    If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. – Henry Tillman

  56. Ginger says:

    An Easter card with a cartoon of the Easter Bunny handing an egg to Jesus crucified on the cross, and saying “Have an egg, you’ll feel better.”

  57. elana says:

    a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. bartender says “hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants”. pirate says “arrrrr…it’s driving me nuts.”

    HA!

  58. akeeyu says:

    A Nonsequitur cartoon I’ve had on the fridge forever.

    Husband and wife are sitting on the sofa, watching TV.
    Wife: Have you noticed how much Kevin Costner’s appeal has diminished since he dumped his wife?
    Husband hands wife a pre-printed card.

    Card reads: “This certifies that you win the argument that we would have wasted an hour of our lives on, thus conceding moral and ethical superiority to you and, indeed, all womankind.”

    Wife: You know, we never talk anymore.
    Husband: Here, have another card.

    “Here, have another card” is now shorthand for ‘Oh, for the love of little green monkeys, I do not want to have this stupid argument anymore’ in our house.

  59. Karen says:

    I once read about how goldfish have a less-than one second memory and how they never get bored with their environment. The writer then went on to say how a goldfish’s train of thought might go, and it was something like, “oh look! a caslte!” *swim* “oh look! a castle!” *swim* “oh look! a castle, how exciting!”

    I work with the senile elderly in a nursing home and sometimes my co-workers and I use the phrase “oh look! a castle!” to lighten the mood.

  60. Alex says:
  61. Kim says:

    Ok, my husband was a serious indie-rock geek back in the hayday of indie. He even had a basement recording studio. All my brushes with famous people are through indie rock. This means I have no connection to any famous people.

    If you don’t know indie rock or rockers this might be lost.

    How many indie rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    [I don’t know, how many?]

    eye roll and exasperated/condescending sigh “gah, don’t you *know*?”

    Also, this article…
    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27870

  62. Bea says:

    all of these made my day! thanks for sharing. here is my contribution:

    What do sea monsters eat?
    fish & ships

    and

    A termite walks into a pub and says ‘is the bar tender here?!

  63. Lisa says:

    Man at a desk, on the phone: “I would have gotten that report to you sooner, but I wasn’t held enough as a child.”

    –BEK, New Yorker

    (I’m a child psychologist)

  64. cc says:

    Some funny Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy:

    If you ever drop your car keys into some molten lava just forget ‘em, cause man, they are gone…

    Everyone used to laugh at grandpa, but no one laughed when he came home with that wh.ore from town…

    keep on rockin’ :)
    XOXO

    ps – laughed myself silly at the OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN joke above, hee hee hee :)

  65. cc says:

    Something else that cracks me up because I am most likely a weirdo…

    I look for Snoopy/Peanuts collectibles on ebay now and again and have been mentally collecting funny ways sellers have listed the gang – personal favs include:

    Lionel & his blanket (should have been Linus)
    Dirty Charlie Brown (Pig Pen)
    Schindler and his piano (Schroeder)
    Snoppy
    Snoooopy
    Snoopy & Winthrop (Woodstock)
    Snoopy & Woodstick
    Snoopy & Woodchuck
    Snoopy & Woodcock (I kid you not – it was an actual listing by a poor oblivious soul).

    Gee that yellow bird really gets the shaft! Really people, Woodstick?, hahahaha :)

  66. Marisa says:

    I have this magnet stuck (attached? magnetically adhered?) to my document holder at work. It makes me snort every time I see it:

    http://www.funkyfridge.com/AT-00124.html

    Lame, I know. I think I love it for its lameness.

    PS Alexa, I think I also love you. But not for your lameness, for your coolness. Also your charmingly chubby baby!

  67. Sandra says:

    I am reminded of my all-time favorite comic… the “Far Side” showing a boy at the doors of the School for the Gifted, clearly marked “Pull,” while the poor boy pushes with all his might…

  68. courtney says:

    okay, I’ve now bookmarked this amazing repository of humor you’ve collected, which has totally improved my morning (& surely will improve many mornings to come).

    & since you love puns, I will share with you a joke that I wrote when I was about nine:

    Where does the Dutch Peter Pan live?

    Nether-Nether Land!

  69. Michelle says:

    While in graduate school, a few friends and I used to go play online trivia at a local pub.
    Though I don’t remember the specific question, I knew the answer was Ayatollah Khomeini. I was outnumbered, however, by some teammates who didn’t agree and so entered another answer.
    I was vindicated when the correct answer appeared and it was indeed Ayatollah Khomeini.
    I turned to my friends and shouted: “Ayatollah that was the answer!”

  70. ann says:

    My all-time favorite joke (and the only one I can remember) is “What did the guru say to the hot dog vendor?” “Make me one with everything.”

    My first child was stillborn nearly 14 weeks ago. When I finally came back to work, it was all I could do to get through the building and into my office and shut the door. I hid out like that for the first two weeks back. Nothing preposterous about it, IMO.

  71. marcoda says:

    I have a similar cheers me up everytime cartoon at my desk. A fish is in some water looking up at an evolved fish on land and the caption says, “Be reasonable, Arlene. It’s not as if I’m trying to change your religious beliefs…All I did was ask you to go for a little walk!”
    Perhaps it’s simply the idea of a fish named Arlene but it cracks me up everytime.

  72. anneglamore says:

    This might have special resonance with me because I’m a female lawyer in the south, and those first few years of practice I felt like I was being run over by the good ole boys all the time.

    I still have (and am looking at) a New Yorker cartoon. The king and the queen are sitting in their thrones, and the queen says, “But when a woman has someone’s head cut off she’s a b!tch.”

  73. Amy says:

    OMG I’m laughing my head off at these. And since I currently have a raging case of bronchitis, it may very well kill me. Here is my all-time personal favorite that has followed me to several offices. It’s sort of my co-worker litmus test – if you laugh your a** off, we can be friends. If you don’t get it, we will probably not jive.

    Two men walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would have ducked.

    HA – it still gets me!!!!!

    LOVE your blog.

  74. Jessamy says:

    I love the little boy in this video. I crack up every time I watch this, and I’ve watched it a dozen times.

    The title is Boy Meets Lobster. He likes the lobsters, but he’s scared–Can I touch them? Woah! I don’t like to touch them…

  75. mandy says:

    This is the only one that comes to mind…

    How do you make a hormone?
    Don’t pay her!

    Bad, yes.

    Oh wait….

    How do you know you’re a pirate”
    Ya just aaaargh!

    (This comment list was just what I needed – thank you)

  76. Laur says:

    My dad got the New Yorker all through my childhood. I used to read the cartoons — all of them, every week — in the hope that someday I would understand one. A linguistics/pragmatics instructor shared this with us when I was in college (I was 30!) and I’ve never forgotten it:
    http://www.cartoonbank.com/product_details.asp?mscssid=7H2AR0T931HJ9MKA6Q9DMNWMXRRKDRR1&sitetype=1&did=4&sid=23917&pid=&keyword=text+driven&section=all&title=undefined&whichpage=1&sortBy=popular

  77. Jennifer says:

    The two finalists in a poetry contest were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final task was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was “TIMBUKTU”.

    The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:

    Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan.
    Men on camels two by two,
    Destination Timbuktu.

    The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him, a Yale graduate.

    Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:

    Me and Tim a hunting went,
    Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
    They were three and we were two,
    So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

    The redneck won hands down.

  78. nishkanu says:

    I love incredibly stupid humour. My husband is still sighing from me telling the “interrupting cow” joke above and snorting with laughter for ten minutes.

    Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?
    A: Nice belt!

  79. Tea says:

    Not quite a joke, but just today my mother sent me an email with the subject line “Notice,” and the following message:

    Due to the upcoming change in the administration, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned back on.

    It got a laugh out of this liberal.

  80. Orange says:

    I once sent a friend a postcard with a cartoon on it. There were cows out in the field and one had apparently told a joke because another was saying, “Stop! Milk is coming out of my nose!”

  81. elizabeth says:

    Whenever my husband says “I’LL BE BACK” in Terminator tones, I can’t help replying, “I’ll be Beethoven.”

    Or when we’re playing a game and it’s my turn, and he says “You’re up,” I say “Asia.”

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