The Triumphant Return of Thoroughly Trivial Tuesday.

by Alexa on November 11, 2008

So, a few weeks ago, I started a new Tuesday feature. I kept it up for two weeks, and on the third week, Simone had that first terrible OMGMYBABYCAN’THEAR appointment, and the week after THAT was the election, and my poor little feature fell by the wayside. If you cast your mind back through the mists of time, you will remember that said feature was a sort of show-and-tell, and so here I am again, telling and showing.

After I quit my job this past April, Scott and I drove to my office to clean out my desk. It was early on a Saturday morning, a time chosen to avoid running into any of my now-former coworkers. I felt ill. It was impossible not to remember the last time I had been there, leaving for a routine OB appointment to check on the babies. Strange, perhaps, but I was almost embarrassed as I slunk through the familiar doors. I’d left in January a smugly round mother-to-be, and was returning beaten: one baby dead, the other in the midst of a 15-week sojourn in intensive care. Of course I knew my embarrassment was preposterous, but I am uncommonly skilled at sustaining preposterous emotions.

Almost everything in my office went straight into the large trash bag we had carried with us. What I saved, besides a pair of shoes and a mug, was the magazine clipping I’ve pinned above my desk everywhere I have ever worked. Even in my foul mood that day, as I shoved a vase of dead flowers into the garbage, I giggled, looking at a cartoon I had seen maybe 50,000 times before. It is just that funny.

I could tell you a dozen similar stories about bad days, or looming deadlines, that were lightened just enough by a glance at this particular scrap of paper. I have had it since college. Saving cartoons has always seemed the province of maiden aunt types—women who identify with Cathy’s search for the perfect swimming suit, or find Ziggy funny, or refuse to admit that anyone as schmucky as Charlie Brown deserves every pratfall he gets. But god help me I love this damn thing:

Cartoon

Now, there isn’t much to comment on with these show-and-tell posts, I know. You could say “nice cartoon!” or offer an acronym indicating amusement, but I am giving you an assignment instead: if you have a favorite joke or funny something, post it in the comments. That way, whenever someone (and by “someone” I mean “Alexa”) needs cheering up, they can return to delight in the bounty of off-color limericks and excellent puns. You know how I feel about puns.

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Jennifer November 11, 2008 at 8:34 pm

Q. What’s brown and sticky?

A. A stick!

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velocibadgergirl November 11, 2008 at 8:36 pm

Hee! One my faves is an old Far Side, with a bunch of T-Rexes sitting around the dinner table. One is saying, “I’m TRYING to pass the potatoes! My forearms are just as short and useless as yours!”

So anytime someone gets impatient with me over something, I say, “I’m TRYING to pass the potatoes!”

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DLM November 11, 2008 at 8:41 pm

I can’t post mine. I’m afraid you might get porn spammed. :D

It has to do with technical terms for body parts.

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Jennifer November 11, 2008 at 8:43 pm

1. My wife ran away with my best friend and I sure do miss him.
2. How can I miss you if you never leave?

Not exactly jokes, just funnies….

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Toni November 11, 2008 at 8:54 pm

My father told me this one when I was nine…

“What does Sinead O’Connor do when she’s done brushing her hair?”

“Pull up her pants”

Gotta love my dad.

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Hannah November 11, 2008 at 8:58 pm

My favorite funnies:

1. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other
says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

2. What do you call a fish with no “I’s”
Fsssssshhhhhh. (um… that one is better when you say it – not write it… eyes… I’s… har har har)

I think I might be lame…
Hannah

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TUWABVB November 11, 2008 at 9:03 pm

Okay – I have a most FAVORITE cartoon – I keep it on my computer just to make me smile during bad days…but I can’t figure out how to post it here! :(

Wait – I found a link on the internet so you can laugh too – AND, it’s bunny related!

http://www.imagepoop.com/image/1143/Chocolate-Easter-Bunnies-My-Butt-Hurts-What.html

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Hannah November 11, 2008 at 9:03 pm

I have another. This was unintentional but made my husband snort. You should know I’m the queen of confusing words and jumbling sentences… Anyway, the other day, frustrated with work I was complaining to my husband and said something about “wallpapering cats”. Now a new popular saying in our home.

(wallpapering fog + wrangling cats = in my mind; wallpapering cats. An equally obstinate task IMO)

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Cori November 11, 2008 at 9:11 pm

I’ve been carrying around an old Far Side for years with a picture of a daschund making itself an espresso. The caption reads, “While their owners sleep, nervous little dogs prepare for their day.”

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Sarah November 11, 2008 at 9:23 pm

“Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government, when searching for mad cow, can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

I think the solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.”

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Zoo November 11, 2008 at 9:24 pm

This is the cartoon that was always around my college dorms and makes me laugh every. single. time.
http://www.patandkat.com/pat/weblog/images/ugly.png

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Sarah November 11, 2008 at 9:26 pm

This is what was taped to my file cabinet for several years for when I needed a wry smile:
http://www.salon.com/16dec1995/comix/comix4.html

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confiance November 11, 2008 at 9:29 pm

Did you hear about Ghandi as an older man? He was very fragile. And he walked around barefoot everywhere, so he had really huge callouses on his feet. And the diet he ate gave him bad breath, which he could smell, himself. It annoyed him.

So he was a super-calloused, fragile mystic vext with hallitosis.

I also have a Mutts cartoon of the little pink sock – http://muttscomics.com/cast/images/lps/3.gif

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DaisyCake November 11, 2008 at 9:38 pm

hey Zoo! I had that cartoon up on my bulletin board all through college! “TAKE ME TAKE ME!” love it! I’d totally forgotten about that! Thanks for the reminder!

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K November 11, 2008 at 9:39 pm

Not exactly a joke, but when things get crazy around here my husband and I quote “Airplane!”

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!

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Jane November 11, 2008 at 9:43 pm

Okay, I can’t find these two to scan so I’ll just have to describe them. They both ran in the New Yorker magazine and I had them up in my office for years, only taking them down when my office was painted. Warning: they are both academic, English Dept. humor which Alexis may appreciate b/c she once was an English major. Others with a low tolerance for academic humor (and a higher tolerance for sanity) may want to avoid them.

First cartoon: two men standing by a phone with perplexed looks on their faces. Caption: “It said that the class had been canceled because of unpleasantness in the English Department.”

Second cartoon: two women drawn in profile talking. “I mean major stress here. I dreamt that Barbara Bush had enrolled for my Virginia Woolf seminar.”

Full disclosure: I’m an English professor who often teaches Virginia Woolf. These cartoons never failed to cheer me up no matter how bad my day had been!

Love the baby chub on Simone! (And I personally was a big fan of Benadryl with my first daughter. My second daughter got hyper with it and I rarely used it with her. So test it before taking it on the road, if you know what I mean.)

Best, Jane

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IrishGumbo November 11, 2008 at 9:46 pm

Guy walks into a medical clinic: “I want to see a chiropractor!”

Doctor: “I’m a chiropractor, sir.”

Man: “Chiropractor, eh? Funny, you don’t look Egyptian!”

Badda-bum! Thank you, thank you, I’m here all week!

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terrill November 11, 2008 at 9:52 pm

I had that same rabbit cartoon on my fridge for years! My husband found it morbid, but I think it’s hilarious.

Two Onion headlines that still make me laugh:

“God answers dying boy’s prayer. ‘No,’ says God.”

and the article below:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/black_guy_asks_nation_for_change

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Jessica November 11, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Jessica November 11, 2008 at 9:57 pm

Yikes! My post was blank? This is what I tried to embed:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2187/2204395949_bd3181c1cd.jpg

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Jessica November 11, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Leslie November 11, 2008 at 9:59 pm

The vulture is checking in for his airline flight, and the ticket agent asks if he would like to check his dead armadillo. “No, that’s carrion.”

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WaltzInExile November 11, 2008 at 9:59 pm

In early 2000, after starting a new job and realizing that it was not going to go well, I saw an article in the local (Columbus, OH) paper that I cut out and hung on my wall. I can’t remember the exact headline they used, but it translated roughly to “Stupid people don’t know they’re stupid” (my translation, obviously) and it never failed to cheer me up. I can’t find the article anymore (last office job was 3+ years ago) but the Cornell study that the article was based on can be found at:
http://www.apa.org/journals/features/psp7761121.pdf

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Maritsa November 11, 2008 at 9:59 pm
R November 11, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Another Jessica November 11, 2008 at 10:01 pm

What’s green and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?

A four-door pickle.

Of course!

Found that doozey in a Christmas cracker and it has made me pee my pants dozens of times since. My family is utterly baffled, as am I.

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erin November 11, 2008 at 10:03 pm

i always laugh hysterically and forget the punchline 2 days later.

but this, fresh from my senile mother this morning:

A man sees an ice cream vendor and requests a chocolate cone.
“We are actually out of chocolate today. We do have vanilla, strawberry, maple walnut…” says the vendor.

“I want chocolate,” says the man.

“Yes, but unfortunately we are out of chocolate today. Like I said, we have vanilla, strawberry, or tutti frutti…” offers the vendor.

“I’ll have chocolate,” says the man politely.

“How do you spell the van in vanilla?” asks the vendor.

The man hestitantly replies…”V-A-N?”

“Very good,” says the vendor. “How do you spell the F*CK in chocolate?”

The man thinks. “There IS no F*CK in chocolate.”

“EXACTLY” says the vendor.

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Sara November 11, 2008 at 10:27 pm

My favorite cartoon, carried from job to job. A bunch of dogs in a lifeboat, ship sinking in the background. One dog stands up and says “All in favor of eating all our food now, raise your hands!” and every dog has their hand up. Caption: Why dogs never survive shipwrecks.

And best (dirty ish) joke, or really, the only one I can remember:
Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
A. Because he was stuck in the chicken.

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Heather November 11, 2008 at 10:27 pm

I have a couple of favorites
1. Lucy and Linus on the couch she tells him “You think I’m crabby now..wait until I’m 40 or 50 and when I’m sixty, I’ll be even more crabby! But just wait ’til I’m eighty then you’ll see crabby like nothing ever before!” Linus asks her “what about when you’re ninety?” She says “then I’ll be real nice”
2. Garfield is laying on the table and Jon asks him “what are you doing today” He responds” I thought I’d finish my memoirs, and then paint the house” Jon says “I sense sarcasm” Garfield continues”and then it’s on to community service” —-I tell my husband this all the time

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Carbon November 11, 2008 at 10:40 pm

One night, there was a terrible burglary. A midget psychic had robbed a bank, and the authorities were not able to catch him.

The next day the headlines read, “Small Medium at Large”

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MFA Mama a.k.a. "Eliza" November 11, 2008 at 10:40 pm

Under the sod in the cemetery where Hemingway is buried, two maggots are fighting in dead Ernest.

*rimshot*

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uberimma November 11, 2008 at 10:42 pm

Flowers for Trinitron. It’s here:

http://www.salon.com/16dec1995/comix/comix4.html

My husband gave it to me while we were dating, a day or two after I’d explained to him why I didn’t have, and never wanted, a TV. I think we got engaged right after that, come to think of it.

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Kelly November 11, 2008 at 11:02 pm

The “What’s brown & sticky? A stick!” joke was supposed to be mine. And for the longest time I thought my dad made that up.

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Kelly November 11, 2008 at 11:03 pm

Oh, and this is a very dirty, horribly offensive joke, but I still like it:

How do you get a nun pregnant?
F*$k her!

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Orodemniades November 11, 2008 at 11:04 pm

So two cannibals are eating a clown when one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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Kessie Parker November 11, 2008 at 11:04 pm

Awful? Yes. Funny…YES.

What does Sarah Palin’s mouth and vagina have in common?

Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded.

Yes. That just happened.

I love you Alexa!!! :-)

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Marie November 11, 2008 at 11:05 pm

Here’s a joke that made me smile today….

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”
“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

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Melinda November 11, 2008 at 11:15 pm

I had a Dave Barry column pinned to my desk all through college. I forget the point of it now, but in it, he referred to his “small, emergency backup dog, Zippy.” For whatever reason, that sent me into hysterics every time, and kept me from losing my mind in many a procrastination-fueled, research paper panic.

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lb November 11, 2008 at 11:15 pm

Three ropes are trying to get into a bar, but ropes aren’t allowed in bars, so they decide to disguise themselves.

First rope puts on a cowboy hat and boots, a big belt buckle and a bandana. He walks into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says “HEY! Are you a rope?” The rope says, sadly, “Yah, I’m a rope,” and he has to leave.

Second rope puts on an eyepatch and a hook and straps on a wooden leg. He lurches into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says “HEY! Are you a rope?” The rope has to admit “Yah, I’m a rope,” and so he leaves.

The third rope is the cleverest. He ties himself in a knot and takes out a penknife and frays his ends a bit. He walks right into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says “HEY! Are you a rope?” “Nope, I’m a frayed knot!”

That kills me every time. Probably because I am stupid.

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Juli November 11, 2008 at 11:16 pm

Well, I can’t find a copy online anywhere, but years ago I saw a Sylvia comic that makes me laugh every time I think about it. Sylvia and a girlfriend are sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and the girlfriend says, “You know, I’m really too hard on Harry, and I shouldn’t be, he’s a very good husband.” Sylvia supportively says, “I’ve always liked Harry.” The girlfriend snaps, “That’s because you don’t know him like I do.” Sylvia, unruffled, replies, “The man is a dirtbag. He should be made into a rug.”

And my favorite ridiculous riddle:
Q; Why are elephants big and grey and wrinkled?

A: Because if they were small and white and smooth, they would be aspirin.

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Shell November 11, 2008 at 11:28 pm

When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.

Me: Knock, knock.
You: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting cow.
You:Interup
Me (yelling over you): MOOOOOOO!

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Jen November 11, 2008 at 11:29 pm

My favorite joke of all time:

Why do penguins sit on marshmallows?

To keep from falling into the hot chocolate.

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Kathy R November 11, 2008 at 11:31 pm

My favorite joke:

Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

My all-time favorite Onion headlines:
“Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid”
“Books Don’t Take You Anywhere”
-and-
“Does This Cock Ring Make Me Look Fat?”

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cc November 11, 2008 at 11:41 pm

So this cabbie picks up a nun and while driving her to her destination, he tells he he must confess a deep, dark secret to her. The nun says “Go ahead my son, unburden yourself”. He tells her he always had a fascination about kissing a nun and he is ashamed but still very curious, perhaps he could kiss her? The nun says only under two circumstances – that he is unmarried and Catholic. He says both are true so he stops the cab and they have a very passionate kiss. The cabbie then says “Sister, I must confess something else – I am actually married and Jewish” to which she replies, “That’s okay my son, my name is Kevin and I am on my way to a Halloween party”.

Maybe I am juvenille for laughing every time at this, maybe it was having to go to catholic church at 6:45 am from birth until college unless I had a broken limb, which I never did… :) Love your blog and the cute cheeks of your superbaby!

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Kathryn November 12, 2008 at 12:11 am

Oh, I have one all right, but it is VERY long and VERY dirty, and if I post it you will get porno-rocked in the worst possible way. It involves Little Red Riding Hood and her little red panties, and it is a corker.

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Susanna November 12, 2008 at 12:22 am

a childhood friend of mine thought Olivia Newton-John was three people: Olivia, Newt and John.

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Nothing But Bonfires November 12, 2008 at 12:27 am

Something I think about whenever I need a laugh is the time my friend and I were doing homework and simultaneously chattering (and therefore not really concentrating properly on the aforementioned homework.)

It was history homework, you see, and my friend was in the middle of writing the sentence “the servants were paid five shillings.” But because she was distracted by something I was telling her about whichever boy I had a crush on at the time. SHE ACCIDENTALLY CROSSED THE “L”S IN “SHILLINGS” THE WAY YOU WOULD CROSS YOUR “T”S.

And so yep, she turned in her history homework containing the phrase “the servants were paid five shittings.”

The teacher was not amused. But by god, I certainly was.

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RK November 12, 2008 at 12:29 am

Shell’s comment reminded me of this, and it is amazing. possibly my favorite thing on the internet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8

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kali November 12, 2008 at 1:11 am

one of my fav. out-loud classics:
A man walks into a bar with a small lizard on his shoulder. Bartender asks him “hey, what’s that?” Guy replies “oh, that’s my pet, Tiny.”
“Why do you call it that?” the bartender asks.
“Because he’s minute!”
(get it? my-newt? minute? HAAA.)

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Lorien November 12, 2008 at 1:15 am

The bumper sticker:
Jesus Loves You
but the rest of us think you’re an asshole

Deep thought paraphrased: I hope if dogs ever take over the world, they don’t pick their leader by size…cause I bet there are some chihuahuas with great ideas.

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