The Triumphant Return of Thoroughly Trivial Tuesday.

by Alexa on November 11, 2008

So, a few weeks ago, I started a new Tuesday feature. I kept it up for two weeks, and on the third week, Simone had that first terrible OMGMYBABYCAN’THEAR appointment, and the week after THAT was the election, and my poor little feature fell by the wayside. If you cast your mind back through the mists of time, you will remember that said feature was a sort of show-and-tell, and so here I am again, telling and showing.

After I quit my job this past April, Scott and I drove to my office to clean out my desk. It was early on a Saturday morning, a time chosen to avoid running into any of my now-former coworkers. I felt ill. It was impossible not to remember the last time I had been there, leaving for a routine OB appointment to check on the babies. Strange, perhaps, but I was almost embarrassed as I slunk through the familiar doors. I’d left in January a smugly round mother-to-be, and was returning beaten: one baby dead, the other in the midst of a 15-week sojourn in intensive care. Of course I knew my embarrassment was preposterous, but I am uncommonly skilled at sustaining preposterous emotions.

Almost everything in my office went straight into the large trash bag we had carried with us. What I saved, besides a pair of shoes and a mug, was the magazine clipping I’ve pinned above my desk everywhere I have ever worked. Even in my foul mood that day, as I shoved a vase of dead flowers into the garbage, I giggled, looking at a cartoon I had seen maybe 50,000 times before. It is just that funny.

I could tell you a dozen similar stories about bad days, or looming deadlines, that were lightened just enough by a glance at this particular scrap of paper. I have had it since college. Saving cartoons has always seemed the province of maiden aunt types—women who identify with Cathy’s search for the perfect swimming suit, or find Ziggy funny, or refuse to admit that anyone as schmucky as Charlie Brown deserves every pratfall he gets. But god help me I love this damn thing:

Cartoon

Now, there isn’t much to comment on with these show-and-tell posts, I know. You could say “nice cartoon!” or offer an acronym indicating amusement, but I am giving you an assignment instead: if you have a favorite joke or funny something, post it in the comments. That way, whenever someone (and by “someone” I mean “Alexa”) needs cheering up, they can return to delight in the bounty of off-color limericks and excellent puns. You know how I feel about puns.

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Kathryn November 12, 2008 at 1:17 am

Incredibly, I have a different Buddhist/hot dog joke to tell:

With a wry smile, the Buddhist monk gives his order to the hot dog vendor: “Make me one with everything!” The vendor chuckles appreciatively, hands the monk his food, and turns to his next customer. “What about my change?” says the monk, to which the vendor replies, “Change must come from within.”

All time favorite series of REALLY BAD jokes:

What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape?

A grape is purple!

What did Jim say when he saw a bunch of elephants?

“Ooh! Look at all the pretty grapes!”
(Jim is colorblind)

And then!
This: http://www.hingos.com/patches/index.php?pt=060323

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Newt November 12, 2008 at 1:22 am

I have no idea if it’s true or not, but I was always impressed with the story of Dorothy Parker playing a parlor game where each player was given a word, and had to turn it into a pun. Parker got the doozy “horticulture” and came up with this:

“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

She won the game.

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gumbo November 12, 2008 at 1:41 am

Two muffins are sitting in the refrigerator when one muffin looks at the other and asks “Are you cold, too?”

The other muffin responds “OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!”

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Dorothea November 12, 2008 at 1:43 am

My two favorite dirty jokes –

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants? So you can read her lips.

Did you hear about the Polish actress that moved to Hollywood? She fucked a writer.

Favorite clean joke –

What did one hot dog say to the other hot dog? Hi, Frank.

Love your blog. You are true warrior!

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pehicicila November 12, 2008 at 2:23 am

Alexa you knew I would have to share my favorite, didn’t you?

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking up out of his pants. Bartender says “What’s with the steering wheel?” Pirate says “Aaaarghhh. It’s driving me nuts.”

You need the accent. And did you know it was recently international talk like a pirate day? Seriously. Thought of that one all day around the office that day and it made me chuckle.

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twangypearl November 12, 2008 at 6:14 am

Always a fan of:
I’ll run over your dogma with my karma.
(although I feel a bit sorry for the dog-ma)
Versa vice
Also shaming as it is, when anyone says 2.30 in this house, I feel compelled to reply: Tooth hurty? time to go to the dentist!
GROAN!

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L November 12, 2008 at 6:54 am

These have been great! I have been laughing until I cry. Had to add two. My dad’s from when I was little. Why did the man take his nose apart? To see what made it run. And mine. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A fish.

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LeslieS November 12, 2008 at 7:20 am

This is a whole page of truly HORRIBLE, pun-filled math jokes

http://komplexify.com/math/humor.html

note – you don’t need to be a math person to “appreciate” them – my college age daughter has been whimpering at me for sending them to her for DAYS

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sinda November 12, 2008 at 7:36 am

My daughter loves whales, and is always informing people that dolphins are whales, and killer whales are Orcas…so I really love this one:

http://www.cartoonbank.com/product_details.asp?sitetype=1&sid=125246&pid=1001&did=4

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Glynda the Good November 12, 2008 at 8:13 am

How many Irish mammies (substitute Jewish mothers, etc, as you wish) does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ah don’t worry about me, I’ll just sit here by myself all alone in the dark…

Good with stage Oirish accent I think.

I have more.

I may be back

PS Good luck tomorrow

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Erica November 12, 2008 at 8:21 am

I have this quote from a newspaper article on my wall at work that says ” I ain’t never seen it this low.” “This is wierd.” It was a comment someone made about a lake/damn being low. It just struck me so funny that a newspaper would publish such a sensless comment like that. I laugh every time I see it.

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Kate November 12, 2008 at 8:41 am

I have 2. Equally lame, but in different ways

1)Sarah Palin’s kids’ names. And the other humor relating to it–the Sarah Palin Name Generator, the comed skits and sketches. So now, whenever I need cheering up I just look around the room at random objects and think of them as a potential Sarah Palin kid name. Doorknob. Mousepad. Pliers. See?

2)What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

What’s brown and lays in the forest?

Bear poop!

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PerfectlyDisgraceful November 12, 2008 at 8:47 am

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

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Amelia Sprout November 12, 2008 at 8:48 am

From the joke show on A Prairie Home Companion.

What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and Scottsman?

The Rolling Stones say “Hey you! Get off of my cloud. ”

The Scottsman says “Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!”

It is a horribly bad joke, but it is still one of my all time favorites. Especially when you use the Scottish accent. There is also a collection of Ole & Lena jokes that a Norweigan bachelor farmer used to tell my mother (the massage therapist) that are bad, but so good.

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Lori November 12, 2008 at 9:16 am

Two muffins are sitting in the oven when one muffin turns to the other and says “damn it’t hot in here!!!”

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anna November 12, 2008 at 9:17 am

Guy gets into a cab in Boston, and wants to try the local fish speciality. “Take me someplace where I can get scrod,” he says. The cabbie thinks a bit, and says, “you know, I’ve heard of it in the present, and in the future, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”

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shannon November 12, 2008 at 9:27 am

Proof that there is something wrong with me:

Favorite cartoon: Far Side: Mr & Mrs Frog in a car, Mr Frog in the driver’s seat, eyes wide open, Mrs. Frog in passnger seat, distraught. Caption: “Watch out for that tree, you idiot! … And now you’re on the wrong side of the road. Crimony! You’re driving like you’ve been pithed or something.”

Favorite Onion headline: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30382.

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MsPrufrock November 12, 2008 at 9:35 am

I have two office-related items. One is actually in my office, the other was taken home and put on my fridge.

The first one (at work), is an email I got from an applicant which says “Thanks alot. It’s good to have you as a father.” Oh, those crazy international students and their mixed up English!

The second also involves imperfect English, because apparently I like to mock those for whom it is not the first language. Anyway, it was an advert posted on a bulletin board in one of the uni buildings regarding a local flat available for rent. It goes into great detail about the number of bedrooms, loos, parking, etc, and the final line is “and best of all, a very large chicken.” So this flat, among its various accoutrements, also comes with a very large chicken. If that’s not a deal-maker, I don’t know what is. Chicken, kitchen, tomayto, tomahto.

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A November 12, 2008 at 9:41 am

Almost any Pearls Before Swine comic involving Rat.

Favorite bad joke: Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn’t concentrate!

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DLM November 12, 2008 at 9:41 am

This one makes me giggle like crazy every
time I see it. I also like to move the punctuation because it puts a whole new spin on it.

The title is Losing a Friend.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9300279@N03/3025165950/

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Melissa November 12, 2008 at 9:42 am

What do an elephant and a plum have in common? They’re both purple except for the elephant.

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mommo4.5 November 12, 2008 at 9:48 am

Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks–

1st drunk: This is the longest flight of stairs I’ve ever been on in my life!

2nd drunk: It’s not the length of the stairs that bothers me, it’s the height of this stupid banister!

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Melissa November 12, 2008 at 10:06 am

Oooooh I have a few!

The frayed rope one is my all time fave, but since that one’s already been covered:

How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
He felt crummy.

Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?
He needed a filling.

A duck walks in to a grocery store. He picks up a tube of chapstick, takes it up to the counter. He hands it to the cashier and says “Here, put it on my bill.”

What do you call two guys hanging out by a window?
Kurt ‘n Rod

Okay, okay I’ll stop. ;-)

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Melissa November 12, 2008 at 10:11 am

Oh, I forgot a great one:

A man hears a knock at his door. He goes to the door and their is a duck on his front porch. The duck says “Got any corn?”. The man, mystified, says “No I don’t.” and shuts the door.

The next day, again, a knock at the door. The man answers, same duck, “You got any corn?”. The man is slightly annoyed and says “No, I don’t. And please don’t come back.”.

Third day, knock on the door. The man is getting quite angry and frustrated now. He answers the door and sure enough there is the duck, who says, “Got any corn?”. The man yells this time and says: “No. I do not have any corn and if you come back here again I will nail your floopy, webbed feed to that porch!” and he slams the door.

Believe it or not, again, the next day there is a knock at the man’s door. He swings the door open and sure enough, there is the duck. The duck says “Got any nails?”. The man, confused, says “well, um, no I don’t…” and the duck says, “OK, got any corn?”.

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Anne November 12, 2008 at 10:12 am

A five year old kid told me this a long time ago and I still love it…

I fell on my butt the other day.
Now I have a big crack in it.

Maybe it was because he delivered it so well – deadpanned.

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Alexandrialeigh November 12, 2008 at 10:37 am

(You must read this one out loud.)

Two peanuts were walking down a road.

One was assaulted.

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Liz November 12, 2008 at 10:57 am

My favorite far side of all times: two dead bodies, toe tags and everything being pushed on gurneys through a field where they are crossing paths. The caption? “When a body meets a body coming through the rye.”

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Mel November 12, 2008 at 10:59 am

I’ve always loved this Bizarro comic:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ndrake/3024478823/

(I found it very difficult to return to the office after losing my twins, especially since I was so huge and happy the last time I was there.)

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Brenda November 12, 2008 at 11:07 am

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was great!

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CJ November 12, 2008 at 11:12 am

2 of my kids’ favorites:

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9 (get it? 7 ate 9!)

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef!

And my all-time favorite Onion article:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30988
Fifth Grade Science Paper Doesn’t Stand up to Peer Review

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CJ November 12, 2008 at 11:29 am

I loved this one. Always makes me giggle.

T.S. Eliot meets Beavis and Butthead

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buttercup November 12, 2008 at 11:31 am

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow??

It’s making headlines!

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KDA November 12, 2008 at 1:46 pm

This is the cartoon that has followed me to every job. Funny, it also features bunnies.

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/userimages/user1680_1165984719.jpg

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Lucia November 12, 2008 at 1:56 pm

The chicken and the egg are basking in the afterglow of some rather amorous lovemaking, but the egg looks kind of down in the mouth. “Hey, what’s wrong, Egg?” asks the chicken.
The egg laughs hollowly and says, “Huh, guess we answered *that* question.”

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Madeleine November 12, 2008 at 1:59 pm

This is the Dilbert that was on my cubicle wall many years ago. I can’t find an image of it but I found the entire dialog written up:

Phil: My next victim. I am Phil, the prince of insufficient light and supreme ruler of heck!!
Dilbert: Hi, Phil.
Phil: You must choose one of these two hideous fates to pay for your sins. You can choose eternal high pay, but all of your work will be burned in front of you at the end of each day… Or you can choose eternal poverty, but your work will be useful and appreciated.
Dilbert: WOW! They’re *both* better than my current job! Hey, Wally, you might want to get in on this!
Wally: I watch TV when I’m supposed to be telecommuting. Do me first!
Phil: I hate the nineties.

And yes, I left my corporate job for a non-profit not too long after.

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Marcie November 12, 2008 at 2:12 pm

THAT is freaking hilarious!!!!! LMAO!!!!! I’ve got a few of my favs saved also. They’re several years old by now, but they STILL make me laugh out loud!!!!!

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becki November 12, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Far Side comics are by far (side) my favorite comics of all! I couldn’t find a picture of my absolute favorite, but these runners up will do. :)

http://youcouldfeelthesky.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/farside-wendell-im-not-content.jpg

and another

http://www.idiotonastick.com/talk/images/thefarside-mar11.jpg

The favorite of mine that I can’t find is the following scenario:

A dog, cat and owner all bend down at once to get a ball on the floor and the bird in the cage has a thought bubble that reads, “Yes…” The caption below says “The coconut like sound of their heads colliding secretly delighted the bird.”

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sheila November 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm

Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

A: Sit up all night, wondering if there is a dog.

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Lisa C. November 12, 2008 at 3:02 pm

The girl potato goes home and tells her parents that she wants to marry Walter Cronkite. Her father says: “you can’t marry him he’s just a commentator”. And What do John-the-Baptist and Winnie-the-Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

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martha November 12, 2008 at 3:26 pm

This is a total science geek quote, but it kills me. I’m laughing in my office now thinking about it.

If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. – Henry Tillman

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Ginger November 12, 2008 at 4:21 pm

An Easter card with a cartoon of the Easter Bunny handing an egg to Jesus crucified on the cross, and saying “Have an egg, you’ll feel better.”

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elana November 12, 2008 at 8:13 pm

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. bartender says “hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants”. pirate says “arrrrr…it’s driving me nuts.”

HA!

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akeeyu November 12, 2008 at 8:17 pm

A Nonsequitur cartoon I’ve had on the fridge forever.

Husband and wife are sitting on the sofa, watching TV.
Wife: Have you noticed how much Kevin Costner’s appeal has diminished since he dumped his wife?
Husband hands wife a pre-printed card.

Card reads: “This certifies that you win the argument that we would have wasted an hour of our lives on, thus conceding moral and ethical superiority to you and, indeed, all womankind.”

Wife: You know, we never talk anymore.
Husband: Here, have another card.

“Here, have another card” is now shorthand for ‘Oh, for the love of little green monkeys, I do not want to have this stupid argument anymore’ in our house.

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Alyson November 12, 2008 at 8:59 pm

I have a friend who used to find this picture whenever she was having a bad moment and then laugh uproariously for about 10 minutes. Milk coming out your nose laugh.

http://www.thecatgallery.com/images/sandwich.jpg

This is a good substitute if you can’t find the first one:

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/pictures/picture_cat_tequila.htm

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Karen November 12, 2008 at 9:26 pm

I once read about how goldfish have a less-than one second memory and how they never get bored with their environment. The writer then went on to say how a goldfish’s train of thought might go, and it was something like, “oh look! a caslte!” *swim* “oh look! a castle!” *swim* “oh look! a castle, how exciting!”

I work with the senile elderly in a nursing home and sometimes my co-workers and I use the phrase “oh look! a castle!” to lighten the mood.

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Claire November 12, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Alex November 12, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Ros November 12, 2008 at 9:45 pm

What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky.

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Kim November 12, 2008 at 9:58 pm

Ok, my husband was a serious indie-rock geek back in the hayday of indie. He even had a basement recording studio. All my brushes with famous people are through indie rock. This means I have no connection to any famous people.

If you don’t know indie rock or rockers this might be lost.

How many indie rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[I don't know, how many?]

eye roll and exasperated/condescending sigh “gah, don’t you *know*?”

Also, this article…
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27870

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Claire November 12, 2008 at 10:05 pm

A man and a duck walk into a bar.

Ow! Quack!

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