Penny asked:
“Is it too soon to talk about the possibility of another child? Or deciding that another child is definitely NOT in the equation?”
And Aimee had a similar question:
“I’m curious if you guys open to another cycle? I was wondering if after all you have been through with Ames and Simone if you would try again or are you content with the way things are now?”
Long ago, when we were young(er) and foolish(er), Scott and I decided we’d have two children. Frankly, I always thought I wouldn’t mind having a passel of them running around the house, but we settled on two, in the highly theoretical fashion of infertile couples—much in the way a broke college student might settle on preferring a Jaguar over a BMW.
We got pregnant with Ames and Simone, a boy and a girl, and just like that, our family was complete.
My pregnancy with the twins was hard, even before things went rocketing downhill. I threw up until I delivered, despite popping Zofran and Unisom and waking myself up at 4 every morning to eat saltines and drink milk. I was in pain from the beginning of the second trimester due to some horrible malfunction in my pelvis and hip that would sometimes rob me of my ability to lift my right leg, and later morphed into the sciatica that has plagued me ever since.
Pregnancy was emotionally difficult as well: a few weeks before The Bad Ultrasound I started having intense panic attacks and crying jags (in retrospect, I wonder whether Ames’ placenta wasn’t already failing, causing some sort of hormonal drop). I spent the first trimester terrified of miscarriage and the rest of the time before we lost Ames worried about pre-term labor, and AFTER Ames died I woke up every morning and waited tensely to feel Simone kick, waiting to see if she had died too.
The point of this litany of complaints is that while I was always grateful to be pregnant (and some parts of pregnancy I relished), I must have said a dozen times how GLAD I was that we had our two babies and were finished with the exhausting business of reproduction. There were moments when I thought a third, someday, might not be so bad, but there were many more moments when I honestly couldn’t imagine going through the sickness and pain and anxiety a second time. Even though I had never particularly wanted twins before getting pregnant, I was so relieved to have my two children safely created and boxing away inside me.
Of course, we all know how THAT turned out.
After Simone was born, after the weeks in the hospital and the bedrest and everything else, I was certain I never, ever wanted to be pregnant again. I couldn’t so much as think of pregnancy without feeling ill, and I had to throw away everything that reminded me of it. Pregnant women looked like waddling, ticking time bombs to me. I remember reading a parenting magazine in the NICU lounge, and turning the page to find a picture of a fetus in its amniotic sac and a column of pregnancy facts. I went cold all over.
It has been nine months since all of that, and I have a happy, healthy daughter sleeping down the hall. While I still believe pregnancy is like crossing a landmine-strewn field on a malfunctioning electric pogostick, I no longer feel ambivalent about the idea of another child. We want one.
But not now. I would like Simone to have me all to herself for awhile, and part of me selfishly wants to stretch my child-raising years as long as possible. Incidentally, even though there is no real “planning” of sibling spacing involved when you have fertility issues, I’m always interested in hearing from people about how they think the spacing between their children has worked out. Right now, we’re thinking of trying again in four years, give or take.
However, Aimee asked whether we plan to try again, “or are [we] content with the way things are now” and the answer, truly, is “both.” Deciding to try again is one thing, deciding how far we’d go is something else entirely. We intend to try on our own, at least, though none of my unassisted pregnancies have lasted beyond seven weeks. If we don’t get pregnant, or a pregnancy goes awry, would we persist? I don’t know. I am not at particular risk for another preterm birth, as Simone’s early birth was entirely a result of Ames’ death, but I could get an infection again, and while I am fairly certain I can handle another early miscarriage, another stillbirth would be too much for me.
(Well, that’s not true. I always hated it when people said things like that when Simone was in the hospital. “I could never handle that,” they’d say. They meant well, but it made it sound as if they loved their children too much to bear seeing them in the hospital, whereas for me, being a callous sort, it was easier. It’s not like there is an option other than “handling it.” Believe it or not, it is very rare for a person to spontaneously combust from grief during a difficult situation. You get up, you make it through the day, time marches grimly on. Much like this post. So let’s abruptly end it here, shall we?)
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As usual, very well said. Even after all of the trauma we went through, I sometimes wish I could have another baby. (But I can’t, or I’d likely die, says the liver specialist.) I had imagined a gaggle of children at times… Who knows, maybe Wifey will make us a baby? Or adoption? All would be in the distant future.
I agree, Alexa. With all of this post. When my little boy was only a yr. or so, people started asking when we would be ready for another child. I always answered that I was enjoying my son right now. No, not enjoying–I was savoring him. Someday, soon I would like another one. But that time is not yet.
My heart aches for your loss, but also rejoices in your beautiful baby girl. She is blessed to have you and Scott as parents. I love your posts.
P.S. I still have sciatica, too. lol
*opens bag of worms*
Have you ever considered adoption?
If I had two children close together in age, I would be sent to the looney bin. I can only do one at a time … the gap between mine is 6 years, which is a bit long.
But gee my eldest is a great help, distracting the baby, holding the baby, learning how to heat up a bottle! (Really).
Hey …. I have two children! I hadn’t really realised that yet.
I’m loving your everyday posts. :)
Our boys are just shy of 4 years apart, and I love the spacing. If anything, I’d have waited longer – then my youngest would have had more one-on-one time when the oldest started school.
(I totally agree with you about there being no other option but to “handle” it. My youngest spent (a mere) 48 hours in the NICU due to oxygen problems & a heart murmur, and it was the most surreal and longest 2 days of my life. I adjusted to it quickly, tho, because that was my reality at the time.)
i think it’s completely normal to be unable to even ponder another for several months-even with a “normal” pregnancy.
we have some children far apart and some close together. our biggest gap is 4 1/2 years; smallest is 18 months.
good side to children far apart: less competition between them. more time in the “baby” throne. more time to bond one-on-one with parents.
good side to children close together: they bond and play with each other. they’re little peers, which I think gives them lots of good communication/collaboration experience.
down side to children close together: more stress on parents.
i totally agree with your sentiment of yes we like where we are and yes we’ll have more one day.
My pregnancy, whilst rocky, was nothing like the trauma that you had with yours, Alexa.
But I still need to while about how much I hated it, even though I may no right to here! It was horrid. I wanted to get one of those glowing b!tches and do something painful armed only with my zits and hair grease and contracting uterus.
But yes, I think I’ll do it again one day, too.
J
I’m so with you. I absolutely love your paragraph about having no choice BUT to handle a difficult situation. You just do. I also agree with you re: a 2nd pregnancy. My pregnancy was easy, until the end. And then it was the darkest, most anxious period of my life. I, too, am SO fortunate to have an amazing little one. However, I am quite scared to go through the journey again. I’m just enjoying my little guy and in the words of his new favorite song “Ca Sa Ra, Sa Ra” –”whatever will be, will be”. By the way — I love your blog and Simone is the most gorgeous little gal! :)
I have two, exactly two years apart. There’s a lot of arguing and body slams and hair pulling, but there’s a lot of playing and talking and even cuddling too.
I had to do it all close together lest I lose interest. I was not good at being pregnant and I’m only marginally good at being a mom to two small children.
We’re done. Done, done, done.
But I love them and am so glad to have two.
I only had one, but my situation was different. I savor being a grandmother now.
Might you and Scott consider adoption? How about a precious little Chinese girl (that’s all you can get from China, I believe, are girls, they are taboo in that country)….or possibly surrogate? Not sure how that would go over though. Just a thought.
I hope the Flotsam family as well as all of your commenters have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Our 5 siblings are getting together this year for the first time in many, now with both our parents gone, one of them just recently, it will be bittersweet.
It seems like every day I hear some version of “children two years apart…it’s going to suck/it does suck/it sucked” and I realize that while it was IF that kept us from having children closer together that it ended up working out just right for our family. My children are 5 years and 17 days apart, born in March of 2003 and April of 2008. IT ROCKS. My son got to do the only thing for 5 years, and when his sister was born he was so happy to have a sib and still is. He goes to all day K (1/2 is not an option here) and does his big boy thing, and the baby and I do baby things all day long guilt free. It very much is like having two only children, but we do come together nights and weekends. It’s a neat dynamic.
It’s something I keep meaning to blog about, and I could go on and on, but IMHO, two enthusiastic thumbs up!
I wanted my children as close together as I could manage it. So, we started trying when Amy was 3 months old. Lo and behold, it took us 16 months to get pregnant again, so instead of 12 months between kids, we will have 2.5 years.
Not a huge age gap by anyones standards. And you know, as horrid as it was to get my period on time for 16 months, I think that the spacing I will have now is good for us.
We plan on trying for a 3rd (yes, I am still pregnant and we have discussed our 3rd, heh) but we want to wait 3-4 years between #2 and #3. I’ll let you know how that works out. Heh.
Big fan here of the 3 year gap!
I know a few women with fertility issues who waited until the last minute (in their forties) to try and seriously do something about it. With no good results. This is just to say that time is on your side; I do believe these things are easier when you are in your thirties.
There’s a 6 year gap between my sister and I, and my baby brother is 10 years younger than me. Bigger gaps probably make it a tad more difficult to bond as children, but now, as adults, we all have great relationships with each other.
Way to come back from the bullets!
I have a 3 month old and am not in a hurry to try again soon… but I do feel a certainty that I want another baby. I just want to experience this baby-time all over again.
Reader’s choice #7? (maybe off blog-limits?)- I want to hear about Scott and fatherhood. What do you love about watching him with Simone? How has it changed your relationship?
- Paula
Good Luck to you in the future.
My heart goes out to you. Kids can give you such heartache and I’m glad you have the courage to face your desire for another one despite your previous experiences.
We were that couple who got pregnant if we washed our underwear together in the washing machine and finally had to have surgery to stave off manufacturing the little critters. They are loved and wanted, but I admit that the last two were more of a surprise than the first two.
Yes, we have four kids.
The first two are 15 months apart (that’d be like getting pregnant when Simone was 6 months old) and it has worked out in the long term though at the time it was frickin’ nuts. We had a girl then a boy, and they play well together in between the boy farting on his sister and the sister trying to “do” the boy’s hair.
After that, the third one was three years younger than the second and that was more comfortable spacing for me, a thought that was reinforced when we had our final child two years after the third. Thing 3 was still a bit young when Thing 4 was born and had a hard transition to becoming “not the baby.”
In terms of sibling closeness, closer in age is usually better than farther apart, but a wise consideration is also what you can handle. I always went a little crazy when I thought I was pregnant and, even after a tubal ligation, have bought pregnancy tests out of sheer terror at some slight queasiness. (loved the kids, hated pregnancy)
We tried to space our children and then came wham bam into Secondary Infertility. Originally, we started when our son was 3 years old–and finally our second IVF got us our daughter, my son being 9 years old. I was worried about the vast difference in ages–but, he dotes on her, he loves her…and I actually have found several people who have such spaces with their kids–and it goes very well. Now there are some things they won’t share–like school at the same time, etc. But, I feel good about it after talking to others with such a big gap.
I think, in the end, it does not matter how much space you have (although, I would probably not want to try too early–having two kids under 4 is quite the challenge!)
“Believe it or not, it is very rare for a person to spontaneously combust from grief during a difficult situation. You get up, you make it through the day, time marches grimly on.”
I needed this reminder today. Thank you.
My kids are 8 years apart, partly because of infertility and partly because I wanted to spend as much one on one time with my son. It was absolutely the right thing to do. Now I get one on one time with my daughter. My kids adore each other and play with each other. I don’t have to deal with fighting or the conflicts of two little ones at a time. My son has learned so much about babies and he already knows that he wants to have kids. Added bonus–they won’t be in college at the same time. No downside.
O and my sisters and I are all closer in age (2-3-4 years) and we are all jealous of each other and hate each other intensely.
Here’s an idea for a post-
I’d like to know why your mom lives in Switzerland and your background with the French language.
Sorry if you’ve posted this before
natalie
Thank you for answering my question, even though I know it was a very nosy one. We have a 14 month old daughter through IVF. I’m actually leaning towards closer (2 years) rather than farther apart. I’m 29, which isn’t old by any stretch, but we want 3 (which as you say is not likely to be a decision we really get to make)and it makes me feel more pressured to have them closer. If we had actually gotten pregnant when we started trying, I think I would have waited closer to 3 years in between. Then again, I just spent a weekend longingly checking out pregnant ladies.
We started trying for #2 when #1 was 7 months old. By the time #2 arrived, they were almost 4 years apart. Is it how we planned it? No. Is it okay? Absolutely.
Megan has enjoyed the benefit of having her parents all to herself for many years. She truly gets it when we tell her to stop sticking her finger into Liam’s eye socket because *it hurts*. She can fetch things (diapers, wipes, bottles, burp cloths, Zoloft, Corona) when we ask which is pure magic some days. I am now a huge fan of a 4 year spacing.
I laughed out loud at both the waddling ticking time bomb imagery as well as the “crossing a landmine-strewn field on a malfunctioning electric pogostick” statement. That shit is just so damn funny, I agree 100%.
I think the “I could never handle that”-comments are meant more as “You are so much stronger than me” than anything else. I’ve had a few of them thrown at me due to a younger brother with a serious drug addiction, and whenever people said things like that I answered “Yes, you could”. Because you have to. I didn’t particularly WANT to handle it, but I had no choice. I think the same is true for you – you handle it because you have to, because you have Simone and she needs you.
Having said that, I stand in awe of your strength through this whole ordeal.
(also, I have two daughters nearly eight years apart. But I have no idea whether or not to recommend this, because the youngest is only three months so we’ll just have to wait to find out how it goes)
You’re pretty amazing, Alexa. That’s all I have to say. :)
* got pregnant very easily with daughter #1
* wanted to have two (maybe 3) kids about 2.5 years apart.
* being a cocky fertile, we tried and successfully got pregnant on schedule
* miscarriage right around daughter’s 2nd birthday
* secondary infertility sets in with a vengeance
* do everything known to mankind (iui, ivf, funky holistic stuff) for 2.5 years
* adopted our daughter #2 this August. They are 5 years apart and I think that is absolutely the PERFECT age gap. What was I thinking with the 2.5 years?!?!?!??!
** as a mother of a bio and an adopted child, I am here to say there is NO DIFFERENCE at all in my feelings. I forget that I didn’t give birth to #2. Seriously.
Our first two were just shy of 18 months apart, our third came 2.5 years later. I am enjoying this infancy (my third is four months) far more than the second. Although now, at almost 3 and 4.5, the older boys play together well, it was a rough first year.
Speaking of gaps, I am almost exactly 18 months younger than my brother (my mother was over-fertile, if anything). Looking back, it’s a rather small gap – my brother was just starting to get interesting when I came along, and it was a struggle for my father to bond with a little larval me when there was this person! exploring the world! On the other hand, I liked having a brother 2 years older than me – we went to school together, he protected me. It was nice.
My husband has a sister who is seven years younger than him – I think that seven years would be TOO long for me! I guess one positive is that Hubby’s well out of college by the time his sister started applying, so there was no worry about having to pay for two college tuitions at one time :)
What a tough question. Muffin is 2 years older than Bear – but they’ll be three years apart in school. Good for girls. I’m pregnant with #3 (we’re still unsure what’s happening to Baby B – so maybe #4 too) – but the pregnancy sickness is really killing me. We’re done.
Going through IVF, I always thought we could plan exactly what we wanted. This last cycle (frozen) just proved to me that G-d has his own plans sometimes – and that I should stop trying to take control of what I want. Bleeding and constant vomiting is not on my list.
I wish you luck on your decision on spacing. I don’t think there is a right answer.
I’m JUST beginning to phase out of the “sick to my stomach when I think about being pregnant again” phase.
I keep answer the question that if I HAD to make the decision one way or the other right now, we’d be done. But I don’t have to, so that might change. Maybe once he can eat w/o screaming and is gaining weight. We’ll see.
As for the “I couldn’t handle it” comments- THANK YOU. They always drive me crazy. I know people mean it as a compliment “You’re so strong, I’d never survive.” I always think they’re somehow deluded. They think “oh, I’m not strong enough for bad things to happen so they won’t.” Newsflash- you’re stronger than you think and bad things happen to people ALL THE TIME.
We’re content telling people that since the first nearly killed me, that may be it, while we know we are still considering another one.
I like the three year spacing of my brother and I, but I know with daycare costs being what they are, it may be five years or more. Not sure though, since we’re already older, and that would make us really old.
I didn’t have nearly as a horrendous pregnancy or a loss, yet the minute my daughter was born I thought, “My god I never want to be pregnant again” and I also shuttered to see/hear anything about pregnancy.
And then I forgot about the weight of the pain.
And now I’m pregnant again, and the path to get here was so much harder. Yet I’m even thinking about a third, even though that’s really not in the cards for so many reasons.
“I could never handle that” seems to go hand in hand with “You are so strong” and, – shudder ‘cuz I hate it so – (and I believe in Him even) – “God knew you could handle it.”
What do people really mean by that? Well, what they are really feeling but would NEVER say, is “better you than me.”
Like many others here, the age gap between our two children was much greater than expected. I remember thinking when the older child was about three that she was still so needy (in spite of a very even temperment) that I was glad I was young enough (early 30s) to wait another year. That year turned into four thanks to recurrent miscarriage with a little secondary infertility thrown in for good measure. The seven year difference works beautifully for us– it’s great to have one to converse with and one to cuddle, not that the older doesn’t get plenty of cuddling, too.
After a surprise fifth pregnancy and miscarriage, and then a planned sixth pregnancy and another miscarriage, we’re still crazy enough to try for a third. The third, if it happens, will be at least eleven years younger than the oldest (built-in babysitting!), and more than four years younger than the middle. The larger age differences have worked well for us, plus it means at least four more years of having a kid at home. Which is why I’m doing this whole crazy business in the first place. I like having these people in my house!
There is a six year age difference between my boys. When pregnant with the little one, I did have moments of thinking myself utterly insane. My oldest was independent, could entertain himself in the mornings while I slept in, and didn’t try to eat anything other than food. What was I thinking starting over? But you know what? I *love* the age difference. LOVE IT. And heck, now the baby is two, Seth takes care of him in the mornings so I can sleep in once again.
Too late to make a subject request? I’m not sure if there is an answer long enough to make a post for your last few days, but any chance you can talk about how you manage to use humor during some of your most trying times. Have you always been like this? Even your post about your short stay in the psych ward had humor and wit. Do you consciously say, I have to laugh, or I will cry? Any tools would be great for those of us who need new perspective. Thanks Alexa ~
I wasn’t planning to post but I feel like your comments are very weighted in favor of leaving large gaps and I felt a need to defend small gaps in age. I think there are pros and cons to both and obviously, more often than not, I don’t think one can plan exactly. I think the pros of far apart are mentioned above – in many ways easier for the parents. But I love close together because the kids really “grow up” together. They go to school together, play together, travel together to age appropriate destinations. There is a playmate around who likes to do the same activities. And all the costs come at once – but sometimes that makes it easier to get help.
oh alexa. i did not have the infertility experience, but i had terrible PPD after my first child was born and i can completely relate to the experience of seeing every pregnant woman as a ticking time bomb. it was years before i could be happy at the news of someone’s pregnancy, or get excited at the sight of someone’s new baby.
that said, we had #2 when #1 was 3 yrs. 3 mos. old. we waited a little longer than we might otherwise have because i wanted to make sure i was on steady ground emotionally, but i had also been told that 3 years was ideal and it sounded pretty good to me. and for us, with a girl for #1, it was great. at 3 she was highly verbal, very independent, mostly potty trained, and extremely helpful. her response to the displacement from only child was to insert herself as #2′s mother and tell me in not-so-uncertain terms that my services would no longer be needed….but it didn’t last long!
#3 arrived this summer and big sister, who is now 6, could not be a better helper. middle brother, 2 3/4, is not so happy about the arrival, but he’s coping. first he insisted upon equal treatment with his brother–diapers changed on the table, sprawling across the nursing pillow, sucking on a paci (tho he’d never taken one before)–but now he’s turned himself into a cat named bootsie. he’ll cooperate with almost anything if we refer to him by his new name, and all he asks is periodic stroking and acknowledgment of his new identity. i can’t complain. he’s found a way to make himself special and cuddly, just like his baby brother. and fortunately i appear not to be allergic to his particular breed.
Our sons are 22 months apart. It took me 1 year to get pregnant the first time (I was 33; 34 when I delivered). So, I figured, I should start trying quickly for the 2nd. When my 1st son was 9 months old, we started trying. I was still nursing. I quit nursing when he was 1, and was pregnant the next month (so, it took 4 months). I was shocked it happened so fast. That being said, I think it was fabulous. Kid # 1 had no idea what hit him/what he was losing! They are 2 and 4 now and totally play together. I think it helps that they are both boys. My husband has a sister that is 6 years older than him and he no recollection of her being around after he was about 10 (b/c in reality she wasn’t much around and then left for college). I know she helped a lot when he was small, and feels very maternal toward him.
Anyway, if I’d been younger and not so afraid of not getting pregnant, I think I would have waited, but now, I’m so glad I didn’t (plus, as there will be no third), I feel as if I’m getting my life back, and I only lost it for 4 years instead of more!
I also think, the longer you wait, the harder it is to go back. My friend has an almost 6 year old and can’t fathom going back to diapers as she’s been away from them for so long.
I’ve had this discussion over and over and I think there are plusses and minuses to each and every age difference.
Good luck with the decision.
Saxby Chambliss to all!
I have three kids, the first two are one minute apart, and my youngest is 2.5 years after that. It took my husband and I 5 years of trying, 4 rounds of IVF, and one miscarriage to have our twins…but we planned the timing of our third. Well, I should say we hoped that the timing we planned would work, and it did. We had two frozen embryos remaining so I called up our clinic about 2 cycles before the earliest date I wanted to conceive. We had a chemical pregnancy, and then we did some soul searching and opted to go for a last fresh cycle (our insurance decided for us, we had two months before new regulations limited our coverage to only 3 cycles, which we had already had). Being infertile makes you have to plan ahead, way ahead, but it doesn’t just limit you to stand by the sidelines and hope for the best. I didn’t want the gap between my twins and a sibling to be less than 2 years to save my sanity, nor more than 3 because I wanted them to all be close enough to play together. If I hadn’t become pregnant with our daughter we would have used our remaining embryos right away, and accepted the fact that we were only having two if that didn’t work. My greatest fear was having another set of twins, for all kinds of reasons. Which of course, is something that you have to think very carefully about as well. Enjoy Simone, and best of luck for having your second, when, and if, you decide to go for it.
Alexa, I cannot describe how much respect I have for you. Honestly, I think the “I don’t think I could handle that” line is incomplete. What it should be is: I don’t think I could handle that the way YOU are. It makes a world of difference.
I agree, you have to soldier on, and that people will hardly ever spontaneously combust from grief, but it is completely and entirely possible (even likely!) to soldier on without an iota of the grace and pure strength you have had to call forth in the past year or so, in the face of your own grief and the ugliness of trolls and the like. Some people *wouldn’t* be able to make it through the day without completely losing it, and I will never understand how you were able to handle Ames, Simone’s NICU care, and still somehow manage to maintain this site so beautifully. You truly are amazing.
P.S. I think a five year age gap is perfect. It’s just enough that they can still be great friends without too much of an age gap, and far enough part that it takes away a lot of the rivalry and fighting. My bro and I are five years apart and are best friends, and some of the best sibling relationships I have ever seen have been about five years apart. The friends I have with a significantly larger age gap (even when it’s just 6) than that tend to think that their siblings showed up from a different planet or galaxy, and that takes away a lot from the relationship, especially if there were no other siblings in between.
Alexa,
You are such a fantastic writer. What an eloquently stated and heartfelt post. I can well imagine that your answer to Aimee’s question would be “both.” After two IVFs and three miscarriages, I feel similarly about pregnancy. Something I spent much of my life looking forward to has become somthing to be endured as the only way to have a biological child. I expect our next pregnancy to be anxiety-ridden and not exactly “fun.” And at the same time know that we are lucky that we are likely to be able to HAVE a next pregnancy so that one day we can maybe…hopefully…have a child.
You are spot on as well about soldiering on. Those who have not been through difficulty sometimes say silly things, don’t they?
Best,
Mo
http://www.lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com
Thanks for bringing up this topic – reading through the post and comments is helping soothe my anxiety. I want another baby, I’m getting old fast, and I want my daughter to have a sibling. That’s a lot of pressure, but for some reason, your post and the comments make me feel like I can ease off on the pressure.
We knew we only wanted 2 kids so we decided to having them a little less than 4 years apart (we conceived #2 the same month #1 turn 3). They are close enough in age to play together and enjoy each other, but far enough apart that I had special baby years with each. Plus, #1 was such a big help when her brother came along. Also, my sister and I are exactly the same “width” apart and we loved having that age gap growing up, and now as adults.
My kids are 3 yrs 1 month apart, I like it….Drew was potty trained 6 months before Allie was born and I love not having 2 in diapers at the same time. I waffle over having a 3rd…my hubby says he is complete with the two we have. Right now what is weighing HEAVILY on my mind is whether or not I can be a surrogate for a very dear friend. In so many ways its a no-brainer…. all they need is a uterus and a body that does not attack the baby….I had relatively easy pregnancies (though I hated the anxiety I felt) so I am in a position to be that uterus. I am not afraid of a 3rd c-section….I recovered from my first two quite nicely, but after watching my friend go through 2 losses (a stillbirth at 34 weeks and a pre-term labor loss at 22 1/2 weeks), I think the anxiety I would feel would be that much greater, because what if MY BODY let them down? There would be soooo much HOPE…… and that would be awful. Not to mention that on a purely selfish note, I hate the thought of all my hair FALLING out again post-pregnancy……but seriously what greater gift could I possible give to someone??? Its a terribly hard decision to make…..and I also worry that my son (who knew i went to the hospital and came home with Allie) will wonder if I am just giving away his sibling(s). Sorry to post all that!
My darlin’ daughter was 18 months old the first time she utterly outsmarted me. Wisely catching on to the fact that I was seriously outgunned, I decided to quit while I was…well, obviously not *ahead*, but at least not in the dust.
I totally agree with Toni (post 30); there is no right answer. I’m very blessed with two beautiful chldren and a third due in Feb. The first two are 16 months apart and there’ll be 18 months between nos 2 and 3, yep, that’s right: three under three!
Positives to small gap are: play really well together; get all the baby stages out of the way at once, inc daytime naps, so don’t have to entertain an older one whilst younger one naps; can do the same sort of activities as both enjoy the same things due to close age; older one helps younger one with development eg repetition common in toddlers helps baby learn language quicker than just me talking to her; son never remembers what it was like to be an only child so doesn’t know what he’s missing; no 1 helps so much with no 2 – even though he’s still v young himself, he’s at the helpful toddler stage.
Downsides: more stress on parents, mentally and physically (esp with being pregnant and needing to carry one child and hold on to older one so he doesn’t run off); potentially 3 in nappies at same time!; less one on one time with each one; older one maybe having to grow up faster than would otherwise.
So fairly even in pros/cons, but for me, the small age gap works as I plan on home schooling them all and having a larger age gap would be more stressful, I think than being able to teach similar things at the same time.
It’s a really personal decision and there is no perfect answer which works for everyone, but I think that whatever you have works for you, because you find your own way of coping.
Sorry if I rambled, just MHO :-)
For most of my life I thought perhaps I wouldn’t want to be a mother – I always considered myself more of an animal person than a kid person. I married at 28 and at around 32, after I finished with college, we decided it was now or never. 2 years, 1 failed cycle of Clomid and advice from my OB that we should begin considering donor sperm later, I found out I was pregnant. We were elated, but from the beginning it was tough on me. I had the kind of 24 hour a day sickness that I could only compare to the worst hangover I ever had (and I’ve had a lot of bad hangovers!). I puked for 4 months and experienced practically every uncomfortable pregnancy symptom there was including hemorrhoids, terrible constipation, acid reflux so fierce that I would wake-up gasping and choking on the bile that had come-up from my stomach, excruciating pelvic ligament pain that made it almost impossible to walk any distance, insomnia, and the persistent crushing fear that something terrible would happen to the baby – A fear that has never gone totally away even now that the baby is 6 months old. Add to all of this a somewhat traumatic birth experience and I figured I would NEVER want to go through it again. In fact, that was my mantra for the first 3 months – “This one better stick, because I am never going through this again!” As I sit here and write this I am almost sure that if given the opportunity,.. I would do it all over again. I also am RELISHING my son and would prefer to wait a few more years so that he can have our undivided attention. I work full time and don’t get enough time with him as it is. That said, I am turning 36 in December and my husband is 39 so we don’t have the luxury of waiting for too long – Especially given our track record at slow conception. If we weren’t able to have another baby though, it would be okay. Every minute of every day I am just SO overwhelmingly grateful for the amazing, healthy, happy little boy we have. And since we have been so lucky, I sometimes fear it is best not to tempt fate by daring to have another… Yes, I am a bit neurotic like that.
Just wanted to echo the “I could never handle/go through that”. This always makes me imagine people think we could have had healthy pregnancies, but decided, nah, we’ll just have four miscarriages instead. Or that perhaps we should have given up on trying to have children at all after one miscarriage, and taken it as “a sign” we aren’t meant to be parents.
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