I have mixed feelings about 2008. I started several end-of-the-year type posts, but as you may have noticed, none of them made it online. It’s complicated. Part of me, understandably, was standing at the door ready to give 2008 a solid kick on its way out. But the other part—well, like I said. Complicated.
On paper, 2008 looks terrible. Ames’ death alone should have been enough to ruin the year, not to mention the fact that I spent a full third of it in the hospital: first as a patient, and then hunched next to an isolette. But 2008 was the happiest year of my life. It feels traitorous to say so, but as I keep explaining, it is not because the bad was insufficient, but because there was so much good. Plop the events of January 2008 into any other year, and said year would surely qualify as the worst I have ever had, but besides January, 2008 had March, and May, and July.
But I fully expect 2009 to be better, though I admit it got off to a rocky start. Saturday we put Simone to bed at six, as usual, and she kept waking up, screaming in what was obviously agony. Actually, that sentence was misleading: SCOTT put Simone to bed at six, while I ran off to have a sidecar and eat truffle chips, and I returned at 11 to find the both of them awake and miserable. Scott then went to bed and I tried everything to soothe our fractious baby: I nursed, I shushed, I swaddled and rocked. She would be fine for ten minutes or so, and then start writhing and panting and screaming in a way I had never, ever heard before. Simone is a very easygoing baby. I don’t say this often, because I know some of you have Difficult Babies, and if I had a Difficult Baby I would hate to hear about a baby who is cheerful and easily soothed, but Simone really is. Sure, sometimes when she’s teething she demands to be walked around and cajoled, but Saturday, nothing was working, and her screams were unlike any she has made before. Because of the writhing and panty/grunty noises she was making, I thought she might be constipated, and naturally decided some well-intentioned buggery was in order. In the NICU, they taught us the ol’ lubed-thermometer-up-the-bottom trick, so I tried it, and while the *ahem* desired result was *ahurrumph* achieved, it didn’t seem to make her any more comfortable.
To abridge what is becoming a very tedious story, we eventually ended up in the ER, where they decided she may have a telescoping bowel, then ruled that out via CT, decided her Area looked inflamed and that it was a bladder infection, which they then ruled out via catheter, and finally discovered that the culprit was in fact ear infections.
Now, lest you think the ER doctor should have thought of this earlier, let me assure you that she did: she looked in Simone’s ears first thing, and while one was slightly pink, they looked fine. She asked whether Simone had been pulling her ears, and while she has scratched one of them to ribbons, this is nothing new, on account of they itch from her eczema. But finally, out of ideas, on a whim, the doctor put numbing drops down Simone’s wee aural canals, and five minutes later our baby was grinning and blowing bubbles at the nurse.
While all this was going on, I was in a bad way, sitting uselessly on a chair in the exam room, trying not to throw up as Scott held the baby. Usually I am the one holding the baby, not to mention peppering the medical personnel with questions, but I was anxious, and having what I can only describe as flashbacks to the night I was admitted, and later, when looking at the monitor, to the NICU. Strangely, the flashbacks were to times I remember handling quite well—stoically, even. It was only Saturday night that I realized how terrifying they had been. It was a bad night all around, and I blame January.
January last year is when everything went so horribly awry: when we lost Ames, when I went into preterm labor. The January before I had a tiny miscarriage, the January before that Scott and I nearly separated, and the January before THAT—New Year’s Day, to be exact—I miscarried again. I swear to god, January has it in for me, and I have been terrified all week that sometime this month, Simone will die.
I know how completely, ridiculously irrational that is, and I am a big fan of rationality, honest! But when Simone was screaming in pain and they told us to take her to the ER and then couldn’t figure out what was wrong…well, it was hard not to think the worst, somehow.
But! by six a.m we’d all made it home alive, and Simone is much improved, so I am trying to relax and enjoy my shiny new year. And I have plenty of things to keep me busy this month, which is good, because ridiculous or not, I think I will feel much better when January is over.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
So sorry you’ve had such crappy January’s, and that you had to go through more crap this one, but I’m keeping you in my thoughts, and I’m sure things will only get better!
Your January is my December. I think everyone has that month, but despite my fears, we make it through every year. Hopefully that is all of the drama this year.
ER flashbacks are the worst. I got them the first time we went too, but for different reasons. I think they are particularly hard on moms since mine never handled my visits all that well either. (and there were plenty)
January will be over before you know it. Happy happy 2009 to the three of you.
I’m on board with you about Januaries. Worst month of the year, though I haven’t had it as bad as you for sure. A few years ago, I realized if I could live a life with no Januaries, I’d be about 10 times as happy. But what I wanted to share was, once I had the realization that January had it in for me, as you say, it took a lot of the evil power of the month away. I KNEW it could be bad, but it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it might be. Anyhoo, you’ve had some pretty terrible Jan stuff that was far worse than you’d imagine, but I’m betting that this time, you’re going to kick January’s butt.
I hope that this January breaks the cycle for you and that this ER trip is the worst of it. I’m also coming up on the anniversary of when my pregnancy went wrong and I almost lost my daughter and even though I KNOW the story has a happy ending, I can’t put the day out of my mind.
I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for you! :( I’m glad Simone is okay, though!
Oh, Alexa, I’m so sorry. I do feel better knowing I’m not alone, though (although April is my problem. April can SUCK IT as far as I’m concerned.)
Ach! That sounds so frightening. So glad they have things like numbing drops now. Where the H were those when I was a kid?
How scary! I am glad that Simone seems to be on the mend.
January can go suck eggs. This year will be better!
January will be over soon enough dear.
Sorry your new year has started out in the ER! Hopefully the rest of the month will be… peaceful and joyful. Wishing you and Simone a very happy and healthy New Year!
That must have been so scary. Sending you a big hug.
Yes, the Anniversary Fairy carries a big stick. Have lots of sidecars and wait for February. Maybe later you’ll remember this January as the first good January. So glad Simone is well!
That sounds so frightening. I hope that this January will be the first of many good months. All the best to all of you for 2009!
I don’t think you are being ridiculous at all. I would probably feel the same way about January.
I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this or not but most peds. will give you a percription for those numbing drops to keep at home in case this happens again. My daughter had FREQUENT ear infections her first year and they always seemed to strike in the middle of the night!
I think that infertiles should have places they can gather just like veterans do. Someplace like a VFW. Because honestly Alexa, what you’ve been through is just as bad as any war and you’ve got the PTSD to prove. Bad Januarys indeed.
I hope the rest of this one lies quiet. I’m really glad there wasn’t anything more seriously wrong. Poor Simone, I hope she’s feeling better soon. Hugs and much love from here to where you are.
xo
Oh sweetheart, what a rotten start to the year! Fingers crossed it’s uphill all the way now ;-) Perhaps in 2010 we could rename THAT month and break the cycle for good? January isn’t a wonderful month for me either, twice I have been diagnosed with breast cancer during it and now each year a frisson of dread creeps up on me around mid-December lasting until February arrives when I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Silly really as things are just as likely to happen in any old month!
Perhaps you could do as Elizabeth suggests and obtain a prescription for some of those magic drops ‘just in case’. In my experience ears quite often join in the fun of teething.
You say January. I say February. I hope the months go by without any bumps, bruises, or hurts. And I hope Simone is fully back to her little self soon.
Having recently done the double-ear-infection-trip -to-AWKWARD!-hospital Mambo myself, I can relate, and only offer my deepest sympathy.
For me it’s the entirety of winter that seems to bite it — wish I could focus down to one month. Chinese New Year starts on the 26th — maybe we all should be looking there instead?
December 1st is our family’s bad luck day — for several generations, no less. I have no doubt that you’ll survive this January with flying colors! Happy New Year!
BTW, you have totally turned me on to Sidecars. Where have they been my whole life?! Now if only bartendars didn’t always have to look up how to make them!
I can relate so much to this post. I’ve had two miscarriages on the exact same date (Aug 1) two years apart, and the weeks surrounding that date are always bad for me. Also, it took me until my second child was four months old to believe I really was going to have a baby. I was convinced I would miscarry, then that something would happen to him as a newborn. It was BAD and I’m glad it’s over.
Anyway, I’m glad to hear Simone is okay. And here’s to February.
Happy New Year. I wish January to be a delightful month for you this year. I hope Simone’s ear infection gives her very little discomfort
I understand how you feel about January, because the days around Thanksgiving tend to haunt me too. Here’s to both of us breaking the trend in 2009.
I just wanted to tell you that I have the same fear about the baby dying. I think it is natural after what we’ve been through (and I haven’t been through anything like what you’ve been through). You aren’t alone! :D
Patti
(IVF Mom)
What a night you had. Anyone – even without your history – would have been super stressed. Glad they figured out the cause and simone can begin getting better (and you can start peeling yourself off the ceiliing with nightmare scenarios).
Wishing you a benign remainder of january and a downright borning 2009!!!
Mo
http://www.lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com
Alexa:
Everything you said makes perfect sense to me; I get that way in July. Don’t worry about irrationality; it’s okay :)
Glad to hear that Simone seemed to have what turned out to be a simple problem. Whew!
As to the New Year? Let’s meditate together -http://irishgumbo.blogspot.com/2009/01/calm-down-people-change-is-good.html
Would you care to join me on the mountain? :)
Alexa:
I love the honesty in your writing. I’m fairly new to your blog via Dooce and am always happy to read your new posts. (I tried the Jillian Michael’s shred – she is brutal). I hope the month goes by quickly and is a happy one. Simone is adorable!
Damn, January’s DO suck, don’t they? I hope this is the worst of your month.
taking your baby to the ER is the worst! Hoping january flies for you!
2009 will be so much better, it will take your breath away.
Flann’s first ear infection sent us to the ER, too. Although we never actually got to see any medical personnel (apparently they had some petty car crash to attend to; the nerve!), the experience was harrowing. I can only imagine how hard it was to have the memories of the NICU days flashing before your eyes, too. January will be over soon…and spring approaches….
Oh, I totally get this. For me, it’s August. August wants to kick my oversized ass. August, that “glorious” month of lemonade, seashores and school supply shopping. She’s hideous. I hate her.
I hope January flies by for you! I do think 2009 will be a great year for you though! I really do :)
I have a Difficult Baby. But I can never ever hear too much about Simone!
I feel precisely the same way about the month of February. My fetus is due ON THE SAME DAY that one of my best friends died last year. How ’bout we both hope for this month and the beginning of next to hurry the hell up and be done already.
Apparently I somehow missed that July video, and I just spit my wine across my bed laughing so hard. Should be a nice stain to remove. Do she really move like that? That is too funny.
You know, I am not religious by any means, but I do believe in souls/spirits. You need not feel any guilt for Ames. I am sure wherever he is, he is just so happy that you taking such good care of his sister he is happy as a clam.
Happy New Year and your blog always makes my day.
*Does she really move like that? (Had to correct my typo!).
Hoping that January 2009 passes quickly and uneventfully for you. Hugs to you and Simone!
I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all – but then again, I’m the most paranoid person on the planet. Ahem.
You and your blasted good baby (heh, heh).
Your January is my April. NOTHING good happens for me in April; it’s an awful month with horrible anniversaries. Yech.
Damn! I wouldn’t like January either if I were you.
Hopefully you’ve seen the last of bad Januarys.
Dear Alexa,
I am a lurker here, but wanted to comment today. I found you when I was considering IVF and you were just starting your IVF cycle. I cried for you in January and many other times. I rejoiced when you brought your sweet baby home and thought of you when I had my baby in June. Things get blury after that;-), but I stop by every once in awhile and am thankful for the way you are able to put the ups and downs of motherhood into words. I’m just astounded that you’ve been able to keep blogging through it all, sharing your life and your story with everyone. I nominated your blog for Blog of the Year and I hope others will do the same. http://2009.bloggies.com/
Peace,
Kristin
May 1st. It’s been years since anything bad happened on that date but it was so bad for so many years in a row that I still refuse to change April’s calendar until at least the 2nd.
I agree–things tend to hit you later–or hit you again later. Sounds like January should be your month of plenty of sidecars and truffle chips and moratorium on tackling big questions, thinking about big issues etc.
I have been following your blog since last January and all I can say is that you’re justified!!! If I had a January like you had last year I would hate the month too. But you’re doing the right thing – getting on with enjoying your shiney new year because you do have so many wonderful things ahead of you – your little fire cracker Simone is going to make sure of that!
I worry all the time that Pob will die of something, and I haven’t had anything like your januaries. Hang in there and keep on asking for support.
Hugs in general about the past few days.
I’m watching Hallie who is likely to cause (get in) trouble at a moment’s notice but I just wanted to mention that ear infections can be caused by reflux. Email me off list if you want to talk more about this. This was a major culprit for Hallie’s non stop ear issues at around 11 months actual to 16 months actual and totally sucked.