I just saw a commercial, not five minutes ago, in which a baby dropped her toy onto what looked like a perfectly clean floor in the vicinity of an immaculately groomed golden retriever, and the manicured mother (I’m assuming—I suppose she could have been a nanny or aunt or kidnapper) quickly retrieved said toy in order to wash it in a solution of water and CLOROX BRAND™ bleach.
Obviously, this woman needs to be medicated. But it did take the wind out of my sails a bit, as I was just sitting down feeling quite pleased with myself for loading the dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen. (Well, I wiped down parts of the counters). Having done that small amount of housework, I felt like Betty Draper, ready for my Miltown and highball, and here I see some crazy person BLEACHING toys instead of blowing off the obvious pet hair and wiping them on her housepants. Only that woman probably wasn’t wearing housepants, because she probably wears actual clothes around the house even when there’s no one there, and I’ll bet you $500 her hair wasn’t in a ponytail, either. In my defense, I pair my yoga pants and dingy socks with Serge Lutens perfume and sometimes lipstick, but that probably just makes me seem like one of those crazy bag ladies who walks around in clothes smeared with rat feces yet wearing meticulously shined pumps.
I can’t remember where I was going with this.
{I am trying to post more often, but you see? You see what happens?}
I’ve been reading a lot of “PUBLISHING INDUSTRY APOCALYPSE! HEARST HALLWAYS STREAKED WITH BLOOD!”-type articles lately and working myself into a lather, which is probably not the best use of my time. During one of my recent whinge-fests I remarked darkly that writers and editors are always the first to go in a recession, as we are tragically underappreciated, and Scott said wryly “Yes, just think of all the magazines that folded in our grandparents’ time.”
We got sidetracked a bit after that, thinking of what these magazines might have been (“Dust-Bowl Living” and “Bathtub Gin Quarterly,” we guessed), but eventually we returned to his point, which was that things could be worse. I’ve got clothes—the cat hair on them adds a layer of warmth, so important with the high cost of heat these days—and I have shelter, and I haven’t seen any breadlines forming in my neighborhood, so maybe it’s time for me to stop whining, just a little. I’m sure my relatives who survived the depression by eating bread made from dirt and fingernail clippings would agree. I just wish it didn’t seem like by the time I finish my book, there will be no such thing anymore, and the only use I’ll have for my manuscript will be to wipe away my tears.
I don’t know where I was going with THAT bit, either. I’m going to have to take this post out back and shoot it.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
The good new is that you are posting more. Yippee!!!
Or you can bury it and resurrect it later when the recession is over, you’re famous, and every little ramble is worth gold.
I often wonder what women like that would do in my house, what with two not-remotely-groomed golden mixes and two cats (who are allowed on the counters, incidentally). Swim in a bleach pool with a mild current for resistance, I presume.
Good friend whose book was doing super (when publisher had money to, you know, publicize it) was just informed that her book was not doing so super anymore (hmm, wonder what publisher cut first? And like it’s just *her* book?) and ergo much, much thought and time was needed to contemplate second book. She’s a bit stressed. It’s a bad time to be in that or any business really.
Know anything about Health and/or Human Services? I hear there’s an opening.
The woman in that commercial? Is completely insane. Also she’s probably my mother-in-law.
NYT just ran the most gratifying article about how kids need dirt, need grubbiness and healthy mouthfuls of sand and cat hair and etc., to develop proper immune systems. So satisfying to have my slatternly housekeeping validated by Science.
I have no happy news for you on the publishing industry. I just press delete when anyone sends me a sales report.
Seriously, people who bleach toys must be praying their little hearts out for MRSA… else why would they be trying to hard to breed it?
I went to a playgroup out-of-doors today and a woman was telling her two year old son not to touch dirt because it was “yucky.” Cut to my kid pulling a muddy hand out of his mouth. My kid’s immune system will be STRONG.
(It is important to note neither one of our kids is immuno-compromised in any way. She’s just a germophobe.)
OMG I hate that commercial! And I bet she’s never picked up a pacifier from the floor and sucked off the dirt either…. I’m just sayin…
By the way, studies have proven that kids who grow up in those spotless houses are more prone to allergies as adults. My kids will most definitely be allergy free. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!
You crack me up! I usually just read what you write and silently commisserate from the (silent) sidelines…but tonight you must know…I laugh out loud everytime I read something you have written.
You could use it instead of newspaper to keep yourself warm on your park bench…or as kindling for your floor board fire.
“I’ve got clothes—the cat hair on them adds a layer of warmth, so important with the high cost of heat these days”
Baaaahaha!! Too funny:)
I loved this post. I can’t remember the last time I cleaned the toys, if I’m being totally honest with you. I love the way your blog is just so “real.” And I love Burn Notice, too! It’s like watching a one-hour movie each week. And funny, too. Love it. And please, don’t shoot the post. It’s a keeper.
Bleach. Meh.
I’m in the process of submitting my novel manuscript around and I have the same fear. What a bad time to have finished my story.
However. I think publishing is evolving and maybe better things will come of all this restructuring. Also, by the time you’re ready to submit, things will probably be turning around.
Those commercials make me want to scream. Yes, please, let’s kill everything that will make our immune systems stronger in an attempt to stay “healthy.” ARGH. I bet that woman in the commercial is the same woman who would ask for antibiotics for a viral infection.
Hey,
I work in a bookstore and in my opinion your book has a better chance than most. Because you already have people who want to read it. A built in marketing angle from your blog.
There are quite a few books out there now from people who write blogs and it will give you an edge that someone who toils in solitude won’t have.
Celia
Every time I see that damn bleach commercial I feel a small twinge of guilt. Then I go right back to playing with my daughter on my cat hair covered, un-vacuumed floors. She’s healthy, and so are her parents. And you know what? I don’t even own bleach!
Love your writing!
Those commercials always infuriate me, because the cleaning chemicals really do not equate to hygenic, in many cases. Come on, bleach fumes emanating from the toys and being ingested by an infant, not to mention the fumes and where ever it is this woman has stashed a ready bowl of bleach-and-water? Don’t get me started on air fresheners.
I’d be interested to hear why/what your doctor prescribed as far as keeping the place clean for your daughter’s health, because while I agree that squalidness isn’t the best, neither is the extreme opposite, embodied in that there commercial. Let the dirt accumulate in small amounts, I say.
Gawh. These people need to stop bleaching things. For real. This is why we have all of these resistant strains of bacteria. It drives me nuts that people sterlize everything and use antibacterial soap. It’s good to be sick! Use that immune system. Eat dirt!
Okay. I’m done now. =0)
I love you – just had to say that today. It’s like getting a new David Sedaris book everyday. I laugh out loud at least once a blog post.
I love this post. And I am SHOCKED every time I see the new Clorox ad in which we are told that it would be a great idea to wash baby bottles and dog bowls in bleach. And there’s no rinsing involved, either! Baffling.
Earlier commenter have said it well. Let’s not go overboard with the bleach and germ-killing soaps. I admit that if the dog got the baby’s toy I probably would give it a quick wash with a squirt of dish soap and run it under the kitchen faucet. But really, bleach? I taught my kids to wash their hands after using the bathroom and before they eat a meal. I do the same, plus wash my hands before preparing food. I think that should do it for healthy people. You develop immunities to your own household germs. Oh, and I’m an RN with eleven years of NICU experience–where I washed my hands constantly to protect the babies, but home is not the hospital.
I’m hearing inklings of stregthening economic conditions sometime in the 3rd to 4th quarter this year. So just procrastinate a bit and you’ll be fine ;)
Also, on your last post, our family had EXACTLY what you had and most everyone I know in our area has had it too. I didn’t feel like eating for days. It was horrific…glad to hear you all are on the mend.
And the bleaching…good grief. I’ve seen my son gumming a dog toy (though I did take it away and have been vigilant since). But dog’s mouths are cleaner than humans right?
I love you, Alexa. Bathtub Gin Quarterly? That’s hilarious! Glad to see you’re posting more!
I hate that freaking commercial. Am I the only one who’s concerned about my daughter licking something that’s recently been soaking in bleach? (Diluted bleach, but still bleach all the same). Yeesh.
Oh darlin, my house is as close to squalor as one can get before actually being called a house of squalor…..And I don’t even have the excuse of a baby.
I love that you are posting more often.
haha! that commercial is quite strange. i love that you are trying to post more often! even if they are crazy random entries!!
Most definitely read the NYT article mentioned above. In fact, I had just sent it to my husband today:
“See, we are good parents!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/27/health/27brod.html?_r=1&em“
I am howling with laughter at this post- I will pay you to write or just sit and talk to me if you are this funny. You have a job with me!
Yeah, my baby ain’t sucking on bleach either. He’s lucky if I wipe the paci off before I give it back to him.
I’m so sorry that your article didn’t make it to print. *I* would have liked to read it. Are you shopping it around anywhere else?
Oh, pah. We will always need books. Especially ones written by lovely you.
My children are filthy. They look like nineteenth century street urchins. They have immune systems of IRON.
Hahahaha – you’re awesome! :)
yes yes, ditto the whole germ thing, i’m right there with the rest of your readers.
but was that a “Mad Men” reference i spotted in the midst of your housecleaning story?! i just finished season 1, love it (wept over poor peggy in the season finale), and when i read that paragraph i laughed my ass off. watching betty draper is pure schadenfreude. can you fucking IMAGINE?? if you had to stay home all day with your RSV-prone baby in high heels and pearls?! dear god, pass the miltown.
glad you’re posting more. and glad the cleaning ladies came before you had to spend a weekend on the bathroon floor.
Oh god bless ya for this post. I just attempted to wipe cat hair off my son’s binkie using my yoga pants and it came away furrier. I cried.
Do you think that woman ever typed a blog comment with one hand while her baby in the other arm put his feet in a plate of ketchup (because she had french fries for lunch?).
I clean my office and you wouldn’t believe the stuff, yet I can’t remember the last time I dusted at home, sad isn’t.
hey I remember making mud pies in the yard and messing around in the sandbox had the normal amount of colds for a kid. Now as an adult, I can set my watch to twice a year sinius issues. Especially when they harvest the corn fields!!
“I admit that if the dog got the baby’s toy I probably would give it a quick wash with a squirt of dish soap and run it under the kitchen faucet.” Hunh. Many people would admit to this plan, I think, but it turns out I wouldn’t and I’ve got plenty of empirical evidence to support that non-admission (with not one two large, shaggy dogs and a sweet little person who’s just a month shy of two years old and strappingly healthy so far…).
That reminds me of a joke I read once. When the first baby drops her pacifier, you pick it up and sterilize it before you give it back to her. With the second child, you rinse it off under the tap and wipe it on the cleanest part of your shirt. And the third child? He is eating dead bugs off the floor.
Luckily, I stopped at two.
I love your writing, btw.
There are 2 versions of that commercial. You must not have seen the one where the baby drops the toy onto the floor and the dog picks it up. Not that my house is the cleanest but I do use their Anywhere spray on a lot of stuff. Also, bleach is used as a sanitizer in food service after it is washed. It is very dilute and ok for use afterwards. Bleach can also be used in a pinch to make non-potable water drinkable. A couple of drops in a gallon of water will do the trick.
Love your writing, Alexa!
-e
Lest I seem like an absolute germaphobe, I do not use antibacterial anything except toilet bowl cleaner. You really have to look around to make sure your hand soap is not antibacterial! The triclosan in handsoap, to my understanding, is the culprit for the supergerms. I clean my kitchen with regular Windex which kills germs with alcohol and does not create resistant germs. Bleach is a sanitizer and acts the same as I understand it.
Also, I do not have a dog. My kids have licked many a cat toy. It really doesn’t gross mr out because they are MY cats and therefore cleaner than anyone else’s ;). I’m sure if I had a dog I would fee the same way!
-e
Just read your twitter update, and all I’ve got is this thought “Oh Alexa!”
Pretty poor.
I am so sorry for EVERYTHING you endured last year, and so happy in equal measure to see how Simone is thriving. I think of baby Ames often and am sending love and prayers your way today xxx
Brenda’s comment worries me. I am totally doing the dead insects thing with the first child. Any others will obviously be positively feral!
I have a newborn and am up nursing a lot and watching a lot of TV and since I never had to watch it live before (long live Tivo!) I have seen so many commercials that lead me to believe that women just love to clean! So what is wrong with me? I’m just not into it.
My husband and I both got laid off in December right before my daughter was born (we also have a 4 yo son) and I keep getting these concerned letters from friends of my in-laws worried that we are about to be tossed out into the cold homeless and destitute because we are both out of work. One letter was about how we should move in with my parents and how when she was a little girl they lived with their grandparents and would collect bent nails from train tracks and straighten them out to resell them and other ways they made money. I had to write her back and say basically, between my severance and unemployment, we can both be unemployed a year before touching our savings, and we doubt highly neither one of us will be out for a full year. But thanks for the nail straightening tips!
I am looking forward to your book. I may even pay full price for it!
I hate the Clorox commercial mentioned. Watching it makes me hope that the mother might possibly soak herself in the bleach also, which I realize quite cruel. But still.
I know exactly the commercial you’re referring to and it irks me to no end!!! Anyone who thinks bleaching their kids’ toys every time one falls to the floor needs to attend a science class, maybe two (about chemicals and about germs).
hmm… i don’t know about you but i don’t feel comfortable getting my kid’s toys near clorox (um… chemicals galore)! anyway, i hear what you’re saying about the recession and literacy. however, i think people will always enjoy a good book from a great writer (which you clearly are)! :)