In case you are wondering how this impromptu hiatus happened, I’ll tell you: Simone stopped sleeping, and I stopped doing anything except fantasizing about spending a night a week two weeks in a hotel. I am told that this (the not sleeping, not the fantasizing about hotels, though in my experience the two go hand in hand) is common around nine months, Simone’s adjusted age. You might think that knowing other mothers all around the world had been through the same thing would be a comfort to me, and perhaps it would have been, if those other mothers had been in my kitchen at 3am, making coffee and cheering me with an off-color limerick or two, but they weren’t, and it wasn’t. Though, honestly, even if Simone hadn’t stopped sleeping, I suspect I would have become unhinged for some other reason. Four months of RSV quarantine, in case you are interested, turns out to be exactly the amount I can endure before my seams start to show.
I feel all out of practice after my time away (what is this Web Log you speak of?) so if you don’t mind, I am going to fall into the comforting embrace of bulletpoints to sum up what you have missed in the past three (oh my god) weeks. Because it’s so important, you see.
• Desperate for rest, Scott and I decided to do what the pediatrician and that “Healthy Sleep Habits, Reduced Risk of Infanticide” book have been suggesting for months: stop catering to Simone’s every midnight whim. The first night, Simone started to cry, and after I had waited for an hour or two, gripping my arm with my fingernails, I lurched up to rescue her, glancing at the clock as I went. It had been exactly four minutes. Time is so stretchy when your baby is wailing. I see nothing wrong with letting a baby cry a bit, in theory, but knowing that Simone spent 96 nights alone in the NICU…I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. So I resigned myself to never sleeping again, and then Simone learned to crawl last weekend, and things improved dramatically. Meaning she only wakes up once or twice a night, and sleeps until 5:30 a.m., which seems almost luxurious. Almost.
• Yes. She crawls. Simone had been able to make her way from place to place on her belly for some time, very inefficiently, but suddenly she can honest-to-goodness crawl, with proper form, on her hands and knees. And let me tell you, the child is FAST. I was ready to end my hiatus last weekend, but then the crawling started, and I was too busy dragging Simone away from powerstrips to do anything else. Shouldn’t there be some evolutionary failsafe that keeps babies from being drawn inexorably toward whatever would most speedily kill them? On Monday I turned my back for one minute (nothing good ever started with that collection of words) and then looked around to find that Simone had PULLED THE AIR FRESHENER OUT OF AN ELECTRICAL SOCKET AND WAS SUCKING ON IT OH MY DANCING WHORE. I screamed, snatched her up, and spent the rest of the afternoon retching quietly in fear of what Might Have Been until Scott got home and I could race to Target and deplete their stock of baby-proofing supplies.
• In related news, I absentmindedly sprayed my daughter with the Water Bottle of Discipline we use for the cats. In my defense, she was chewing on my discarded boot, and I was very tired and confused. She didn’t seem to notice.
• Trying to work on my book while providing even my customary substandard baby care is a challenge. Every time I get going, and the initial inertia has finally given way, some baby wants to be “fed” or “held” or “loved.” Honestly, I don’t know how Stefanie does it, and I am relying on my customary “is probably a robot” explanation. She has three children! And has written multiple books! And shows up on television with shiny hair! It’s a cliché, I know, but it’s true: there are too few hours in the day. There are, in fact, TWO hours in the day, two hours that are not accounted for, and they fly at me in useless fifteen-minute increments. Are there more hours in California? Is the coffee stronger out there?
• That little badge in my sidebar is no longer just for show: I registered for BlogHer. Last year Simone was still new and the novelty hadn’t yet worn off, so I foolishly turned down the opportunity to spend three nights alone by myself in a hotel. The year before, I canceled my reservation to pay for my IVF drugs after my insurance decided they wouldn’t cover them after all, and the year before that…I can’t remember. Anyhow, I’m going this time, though whether I will manage to tear myself away from room service and my king-sized bed long enough to meet anyone is hard to say.
• Simone still doesn’t eat. She will have a day here or there where she chews a few spoonfuls of something, and there is much rejoicing, but the next day we are back to the drawing board. If you are wondering what the drawing board looks like, it features a wild-eyed woman surrounded by dozens of bowls of scorned foodstuffs, weeping over a jar of prunes. We finally had a visit from a feeding specialist who gave us a bizarre nubbly toothbrush to use as a spoon, and today—an uncommonly good day, food-wise—Simone ate two tablespoons of fruit and four irksomely-named Lil’ Crunchies. In case any of you are tut-tutting over the unwholesome nature of the aforementioned Lil’ Crunchies, let me assure you that I would much rather that the one item Simone can be depended upon to eat were a homemade puree, but at this point we will take what we can get. Also, I must confess that I accidentally ate half the box of Zesty Tomato flavored Lil’ Crunchies myself, as they are actually quite tasty and zero WW points per dozen.
• Speaking of which, I have lost about eight and a half pounds since mid-January. I have a little less than 15 to go. I figure I shall reach my goal just in time to visit my mother in early May and eat my way through Switzerland.
• Lastly, Simone has learned to clap, which she now does whenever she is excited. This is easily the best trick she has mastered yet. I promise you, there is nothing better than entering a room and being greeted with a round of applause from your very own baby.
I missed you all—I even dreamed Internet-y dreams, for instance that Heather B. and I were at a Hayden-Harnett sample sale together (we had a lovely time). After I hadn’t posted for a while I got hung up on having nothing to offer except complaints about how hard things are right now and how elusive money continues to be and what a lackluster job I am doing parenting my scrumptious daughter and here, how about a baby picture?
And then, happily, I remembered that none of you are being forced at gunpoint to read this (I hope! Because that would be terrible!) and so if I want to post whiny drivel for a month, well, no one will be harmed in any substantive way. And so I am back. Whiny Drivel, Ho! (Which, incidentally, could be my stage name).
I do have some more interesting things for next week, including some horrible dating stories I remembered after talking to my single friend (that works both ways, actually, which is sad). Oh my god, I hated dating. Only junior high was worse, and that is saying something.
I can’t seem to stop writing, but my little word count widget tells me that this is over 1300 words already, which is a shocking length for a blog entry. I can’t remember how I end these things. Do I just stop typing all of a sudden? Yes, let’s try that.
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i just want to give you a great big hug for posting… i MISSED you and i was delighted when i saw this recent update…. my son is 9 mos. and reading your words just sum it all up perfectly… esp. the part about sleep. dear god, know i know why they use sleep deprivation to break prisoners of war.
man, the food thing is us to a TEE! he LOATHES ‘babyfood’ but we’ve had better luck with small, squishy bits of ‘real’ people food… scrambled egg w/cheese, cooked potato, even a generic sore brand yogurt with REAL FRUIT CHUNKS!!… you’d think the little bastard would appreciate the expensive Yobaby’s, but nope…
some babies just skip the “baby” foods stage… just thought I’d toss that out there since Simone seeem remarkably like my Al, and our dude doesn’t even have teeth yet!… I bet she’d do fine with ‘chunkier’ stuff ;)
I’ve missed you. And Simone. And those days (week, months) in the trenches. They came crashing back to me when reading this post. The only difference is, you made me laugh out loud reading about them, when I spent most of them in floods of tears. You are AWESOME!
You are hilarious!! You sprayed Simone with the cat bottle?!?! I laughed till I cried…
Wel come back! Feel free to whine as much and as often as you want or need. Most of us have been there or will be there at some time and knoiw that sharing is GOOD.
Re food for Simone, I’d go with the suggestion of ‘real’ food, not ‘baby’ food from tins/jars. Just mash a little plain stuff from whatever you are having and persevere. Eventually it works. Crawling will improve Simone’s appetite so may also foster more of a willingness to try new things. Good luck.
Welcome back!! Drivel away. I might be mistaken, but isnt that what these Web Logs are for??
i love bullet points! that sleeping thing is probably just a phase, right? as is the food thing. i will be eating my way through switzerland starting a week from today, but you will have better weather in may.
Nice to have you back! Mostly because I can say THANK YOU THANK YOU for the Burn Notice recommendation. I am totally LOVING it! Keep writing drivel… I’ll still look forward to reading it. :)
So by the third bullet point I was laughing hard enough to have to stop reading to laugh. Which sort of made my day, because it has been a horrid week. So, thanks.
We had a “doesn’t want to eat” kid, who had reflux (two are related it seems). We had to alter her reflux med doses, and had much better luck when she was ready for self feeding. She’s a “dammit I will do it myself, woman” kind of kid. I hated what they were, but puffs and cheerios were our starting point. The kicker was though that I had just stocked up on actual little cases of organic baby food, and then she started eating real food with gusto. She saw the money I spent and just had to move on. I believe overcooked frozen green beans and baked sweet potatoes were what we did at first. Also grated cheese.
I spent the afternoon with Heather B today and molested her HH bag whenever she wasn’t looking. Yes, I was embarrassed. No, that didn’t stop me.
Sprayed her with the cat bottle? I nearly peed my pants!
I love it!! I laughed so hard I started to cry. I am not being mean I just remember being at that point with my son many years ago, and someday you will laugh too. I am glad you are back, Simone is adorable and I hope you get some rest soon.
so glad to see a post! My just turned 9 monther has had some sleep issues, but she also had a nasty bug, so its hard to say why they are happening exactly…the last two nights have been better only up ONCE! WOOT.
Robbie is a bit younger than Simone, but we also have been working on sleep training and I’m struggling. My mom friends tell me I’m doing him a disservice not teaching him to self soothe so when I let him cry to remember it’s FOR HIS OWN GOOD (and the fact that it might keep me from a nervous breakdown is just gravy) which only works moderately. I will say that it went better than I expected. I’ve been doing the CIO for 5 minutes, soothe, CIO for 10 minutes, soothe thing. He’s only made it to the 10 minute point once (that was HELL and he was really just fussing, not really CRYING the whole time.) for the most part he finally settles down after the 5 minute part.
Good luck to you.
Also, apparently my hermit-life threshold is also 4 months because ohmygodImgoingcrazy. I’ve reached the point where I’m starting to check the RSV stats on the cdc website and daydreaming about taking my baby to the grocery store.
Seriously, my MIL kept Robbie tonight while my husband went to dinner together for the first time in 4 months (the 2nd time in 6 months) and we literally had a conversation about “imagine what it will be like when I can take him to the grocery store with me.” Preemie motherhood is SO exotic!
-Trish
Sleep…glorious sleep…
Oh wait, what?
Wow, I can really relate to the sleep deprivation and eating issues. I tried some foods with more “texture” because my baby is 9 months old, so why not try something new? Now she doesn’t trust me at all and shuns food she used to like, until she can do a thorough visual and tactile inspection of whatever is in the bowl to check for…texture.
Also, I waffle every night on the crying thing, so after my inconsistent reinforcement, I’m surprised we get any sleep at all.
I love that Simone is on the move and clapping. I like her little chompers too.
Ah, the spray bottle of discipline. We have one of those. I mostly use it on the husband, but believe me, the baby and dog get it from time to time.
My child NEVER sleeps. Which is why I’m commenting on your blog at 1:53 am. Damn preemies.
I am VERY much looking forward to meeting you at BlogHer. I am, coincidentally, flying out with Stefanie, and I actually know how she accomplishes it all. I don’t want to give away any of her trade secrets, but I know elements include Zoloft, voodoo, and sheep placenta.
Ooooo, I HAVE missed you!
If a squirt of cold water behind the ear causes infants to cease and desist from activity that is strictly verboten – well, where’s the harm?! A pity she took no notice… I would suggest that illicit chewing activity might warrant some grounding instead, but you appear to have had 4 long months of that already. I think we’re back with turning a blind eye.
Simone is obviously a skilled judge of provender. The rules are thus: if it has come out of Mummy’s oven, it is chewed – once, briefly – before being clawed back out again by frantically scrabbling fingers. If it has emerged out of a rustly packet, it is snatched at cobra-strike speed, and carried off at a scurry to eat – in front of the TV if they can manage it. The exception to this rule is if the packet contains a foodstuff ‘naturally sweetened with grape juice’ or featuring ‘low sugar and salt’. These items they chew twice before ejecting, sadness and betrayal etched all over their features. Sigh.
Around Christmas time, we spotted that Harry was stood (with his bare-naked little boy-apparatus out) standing directly over a (switched on) plug socket strip. He peed on the floor nano-seconds after the sockets were snatched away. I still shudder at the memory.
Further to Heather’s comment: I am fast becoming knee-deep in sheep placentas. I can even arrange to be a supplier – but in return, I need that trade secret, please, ladies.
That may become a game – spraying with the cat bottle. It actually feels pretty good to be sprayed lightly with cold water. She is so adorable! Now that she’s getting more active, perhaps hunger will come with being more active and she will eat. I must say I never had a problem with my one and only with eating. Sleeping yes, and being that I was a single mother, I pulled Rebecca into bed with me and both of us got some much needed sleep. Nursing that way helped too. She is now a 34 year old mom of 4 herself and it sure did not cause any problems.
She looks healthy, robust and well fed, so she must be eating something. She’ll conquer this as well, because….. she is woman!! Go Simone!
Hooray … you’re back! Welcome back, Kotter. The great thing about Blogland is … it’s always there! Hi! *waves*
Look at your daughters TEETH. She is so clever.
xoxox
Welcome back! (Now put down the fucking gun, yo!) You’re speaking to someone who once threw the Baby Whisperer book across the room, so really I’m of no help whatsoever other to advise embracing the sleeplessness and not fighting it. Fighting it took over the last amount of reserve I had.
As for eating: I made the colossal mistake of moving foods too quickly, following that ol’ “wait three days for allergic reaction . . . and then move the hell on!” a bit too literally. So we stayed on a food for longer than I would have found it interesting, but lo, she did eventually. Just a thought.
I envy your weight loss. I need me a plan.
Thank God your back! We missed you!
the cat bottle made me howl with laughter. i may just try it on my boys.
and you wanna know what keeps me going at 3am? My sad Facebook addiction. Think about it, it’s awesome for sanity. (But you have to be my Friend, pretty please?)
I just want to nom on those cheeks a wee little bit. She won’t mind, will she?
Glad you’re back, not so glad that you haven’t been sleeping. Good thing Simone’s so delicious.
Welcome back. You were missed (a lot).
I’ve always felt bullet-point blog posts were unfairly maligned. Bring ‘em on, I say!
Just wait until she can pull up on stuff and she locates the bathroom. There’s nothing like walking in the bathroom and seeing your child happily splashing around in the toilet bowl (don’t worry, it only happened once, and we’ve since babyproofed the toilet, so that I even have a hard time opening it sometimes).
Have you tried yogurt? My little one is a bit of a picky eater as well, but loves him some yogurt.
Simone gets more adorable everytime you post a picture.
children withhold sleep from us b/c they are preparing us for being put in The Home in our old age, where sleep will be our only entertainment. balance, see?
i tell myself this at 3 am.
and the air freshener? she’ll have fresh breath tho, yep.
BWAHAHAAA THE CAT BOTTLE!!! I love it. I wish it had worked; I’d get one to try on my boys (we don’t have cat though–do you think that would be Frowned Upon?) if I thought it had the slightest chance of success. Three-boy pile-up? SPRITZ! Once they start reliably sleeping through the night you start to fantasize about a way to STOP. THE SCREAMING. STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Perhaps a fire hose would…never mind. I said nothing.
I soooo missed you but completely get why you haven’t posted!! Welcome back—hope you can stay awhile. Thanks for the Simone pic……she gets cuter and cuter!!
Glad you are back – have been checking regularly. It does sound like you have been busy though what with trying to keep your daughter from eating air fresheners and all.
Actually the coffee *is* stronger in California. Especially in the bay area…
She IS scrumptious! Look at those gorgeous eyes!
I laughed so hard I cried my way through this entry because it’s true; oh my goodness, it’s true. Sam has a gajillion toys, gifted to him by people who adore him, but what does he want? Our DVD collection, the wiring to the laptop, the charger for the rechargeable batteries…anything electrical. WHY?
If we lived anywhere close to each other I’d love to hang out with you at 3 am. Because you’re right; listening to your child scream is the hardest thing ever. I was all for it before I had a kid and then turned smartly around when Sam arrived. It’ll get better. It will. I’m hugging you from here. You’re one of my favorites, you know.
xo
I’d offer you worthless sleep advice, but my 15-month-old has given up sleep for Lent. (No, the coffee is not stronger in California, and there are, it seems, even fewer hours in the day.)
Such lovely hazel eyes on that child! Jeepers creepers.
Just another thought…..”well intentioned” friends told me to wean my daughter from her binky at about 10 months of age. Mistake! I let her wail in the night for over an hour and gave up. I gave her back her binky. She let it go herself before age 2.
I wonder if a night time binky would calm Simone. The Nuk orthodontic shaped ones work great. They didn’t have those back when my daughter was an infant, but my daughter used those on her own kids and none of them have misaligned teeth, and in fact, none of them ever had ear infectons either.
You’re doing a GREAT job, and you are a WONDERFUL momma!!!
Hmm. You are coming to Switzerland you say? The Switzerland that is not a million miles from my own (yes MINE I get to be Prime Minister this week) Belgium? Shall we?
You spraying Simone with the water bottle of discipline made me laugh like a crazy person. Also, now I want one. Probably for use in the office.
I’m glad you’re back; I was starting to worry about Simone since it’s RSV season.
I hope your precious little girl starts sleeping a little more sometime soon!
I am so glad you are back! I have to say you elicited laughter from me at least three or four times with this post, enough to cause my husband to come over and see what was so funny only to have him leave, shaking his head because of course I would be reading a blog. Perhaps it’s because Simone’s adjusted age is so close to my son’s but you are always right there in the middle of everything I am. Powercords! And the fragrance thingy, exactly! Mine is eating solids but trying to give up milk too early. He is trying to walk but does not clap. So it seems they just do what they want when they want, right. Cheers to the nearing end of RSV yeah (which I’m pretty certain we managed to pick up at daycare…it was not pretty and I am on prednisone now because of it so your exile is probably worth it. Not that my saying that helps, of course.)
I am glad you are back, and I am trying to make it to BlogHer as well, and I also have an insane baby who will not sleep, although I think that is because mine hates me. Really.
Mine is trying to eat everything and anything that looks like a candle or a match or a powercord or open drawers, or what have you. So I have serious sympathy for you. We also had RSV, which sucks donkey balls for everyone involved. It’s not just a cold in adults.
I am nodding about the 9 month sleep issues and your food drawing board looking like ours. I am so sorry.
So glad you are back, Alexa. Just love the way you write, whether whiny or cheerful. You are da bomb! Been there with no sleep. I dream of sleeping while awake….
missed you! my nine month old nina is also not sleeping. what an evolutionary flaw. re: food. we have given up trying to get purees into the child. she is only interested in self feeding foods most unsuitable for babies. today she ate a pot of nappy rash cream while my back was turned…
Aaaaaah, Simone is so cute, and *PRETTY* – I just love that picture. And just look at those little teeth………….
Oh god, the 9 month no sleep thing, I am so sorry. I staggered along with this for months before we finally (firmly) put our foot down. It seemed just as awful to sleep “train” as it was not to sleep at all. Good luck.
And I love the soft lil’ munchies or whatever too. I briefly entertained the idea of no highly processed products for my infant, and then HA, abandoned that the day I found those gerber graduates in a convenient snack can. They’re like cheap entertainment for babies that age, crucial when you’re trying to take a shower or use the phone or just take a damn walk without continual crying (on the baby’s part).
glad you were able to post again! sorry about all the sleeping drama, but it does sound like you had a crazy 3 weeks there! wow I can’t believe she is crawling and clapping, so awesome!
Oh Alexa, so sweet and yet so naive. I barely survived the last year – and that’s with fulltime help. The only way I can look good on TV is with professional make-up artists and hair stylists. And I got through my deadline with a combo of xanax, zoloft and HELP. The sleep deprivation is the real killer. Anyone will tell you that.
Ah yes, we are at that magical 9 month mark as well… At 4 months we put our son on a strict sleeping and eating schedule and for 5 months, it worked beautifully… He was sleeping 12 glorious uninterrupted hours per night (7PM to 7AM) and was taking two, two hour naps in the daytime. Until now…. His naps have shortened to 45 minutes and he is waking-up twice a night and has decided 6AM is a better time to start his (our) day. Apparently this is perfectly normal. And I am perfectly exhausted…
As far as sleep training, I read “Healthy Sleep Habits…” too and it was a wealth of information about the importance of quality sleep, but I ended-up using the EASY schedule and PU/PD (pick-up/put-down) method from “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer.” The PU/PD method seems silly (and it wasn’t easy!) but it really worked! And for us, it was a better fit than “cry-it-out.” It took us three miserable days/nights to make it happen but by day four, Riley was napping well and sleeping through the night! The author (Tracy Hogg) also addresses feeding issues and some issues specific to preemies. I can’t recommend this book enough.
OH THANK GAWD!!!! I am so glad you are back (and so sorry for the reason for the absense! It DOES suck)- but I was really starting to be a little concerned!!
I DO love reading your blog…you express so much of what is running through my head (but you’re so much more clever & witty about it) – “useless 15 minute increments” – HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA – now that was great!!!
Welcome back – we’ve missed you!
Glad that you’re back, you wonderful Whiney Drivel Ho! (I am so chuckling at that moniker.) I love reading about Simone and I’m picturing her applauding you for entering a room. I have two daughters myself, and they are so huge. I get to enjoy babyhood again vicariously via the blogs I follow, but few blogs have such a nice combination of cleverness AND chubby cheeks (Simone’s, that is). May you receive long, peaceful nights!
How sweet of Simone to applaud you when you enter a room. I may have clapped when I saw this new entry. So glad you’re back! You’ve been missed. Yay for crawling! It cracked me up to read that you sprayed her with the water bottle. I hope that you enjoy BlogHer and that you get a little rest there too.
I have that dream a lot. In fact probably more than I should. My bank account is currently cowering in fear.
We shall compare bags in Chicago.
When we were having eating issues and visited the folks at the Children’s Feeding Clinic they suggested offering Samantha cheese puffs. I firmly rejected that suggestion, thinking that I, a first time mom, knew better than those trained to get kids to eat… Fool that I was, she made no progress until the next time we visited the nice people at the Feeding Clinic. They again suggested the snack food, so on the way home I bought some “Natural” white cheddar puffs. Yes, the “Natural” label made me feel better about it. She ate almost nothing but those stupid puffs for a week and then magically decided that other things might taste good too. Gateway food, if you will. The puffs disappeared after that and she never knew the difference. Although “Puff” was one of her first words.
Oh, and yogurt, I agree with Katie, Yo-baby is always a favorite at our house.
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