I couldn’t decide what to post today—more Alexa Abroad! or something about Simone’s first encounter with other children, an encounter that resulted in tears. Some might suggest that ten days after my return is too late to continue a series of posts about my travels, but I have not, er, finished unpacking yet, and I maintain that a person can’t be expected to wrap up the story of her trip before her suitcases are empty. That seems like rushing things, don’t you agree?
So it was between goat pictures and toddler comedy, and then the California Supreme Court went and made the decision for me.
Two years ago today, Scott and I got married. The picture at the beginning of this post is of our cake toppers, and from those cheery felted birds to the mashed potatoes and impromptu outdoor hobo theater, everything about the day was perfect. I had never been much of a wedding girl, and was surprised by how much I enjoyed it, but more surprising, to both me and my new husband, was how transforming it felt.
Scott and I had lived together for years by the time we got married. In fact, a week from now will mark five years since we began dating, and we were looking at apartments less than three months after that. We hadn’t planned on marriage—not that we were against it, mind you, it just seemed like a low priority. We already knew that this was capital-”I” IT: we were trying to have kids, our book collections had mingled, and I had long since abandoned the pretense that I always wore makeup. Or contacts. Or brushed my hair.
One afternoon, however, I had a migraine, and Scott was lounging on the bed next to me when he asked hey, did I want to get married next spring? I said yes. It seemed unlikely that a ceremony would make much difference, beyond a legal standpoint.
But it did. I don’t know how, exactly, but it made everything different.
The idea that two adults in love can be banned from standing, as we did, in front of a judge to be declared married, banned because their genitals happen to match, is repugnant. That they would be forced to use another word for their union, in the name of protecting the sanctity of mine, is ridiculous and offensive.
I respect the right of the religious to believe in virgin birth, and to decide that marriage in their church is reserved for heterosexuals, but there is absolutely no justification for the legal system to enshrine this discrimination. If anything makes my marriage feel smaller or less meaningful, it is the meaningless borders set upon it as an institution.
In a few hours, Scott and I are going out to dinner to celebrate our arbitrarily legal union. Perhaps we’ll toast to the hope that one day, the presence of exactly one penis per couple will not be considered a prerequisite for a wedding.
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Happy Anniversary!
Down with hate, up with love. All kinds of it. I hope this evilness is short lived in the grand scheme of things.
amen
Happy Anniversary!
Well said!
Happy Anniversary! And enjoy your well-earned dinner out together. Hubby and I have just spent his birthday dinner hunched over a so-so Chinese takeaway, having used up all our parental babysitting favours already. I would request a loan of Dr Nanny, but I suspect the Atlantic freight charges might be prohibitive.
I can see that a quick perusal of the links is going to be insufficient to actually understand the federal ins-and-outs, no pun intended, of this one. Civil partnerships here in the UK are identical in all respects to civil marriages, but that’s only been the case for about 5 years now. I thought we were appallingly late in getting our legislative act together, but it appears we were actually only losing the European race towards same-sex equality.
That was the defining moment for Brian and I- our books all lived together, therefore we were stuck with each other forever.
We are getting married in July- I’m very happy to marry him- but the whole process of getting married feels tarnished for me- I’m ashamed that we can get married, and other people can’t.
Happy Anniversary! My one-year is coming up in a few weeks, and I exactly agree with you – although we had been living together for 3 years by the time we got engaged, marriage is somehow both the same and ineffably different (especially in regards to the “little things” like health care, finances, renting apartments, etc. etc.) It is truly a privilege to be married – not in the sense that married couples are better, but in the sense that married couples are treated better.
Despite the Prop. 8 setback, I see the US sliding inexorably towards full and equal marriage rights for all adult couples. Unfortunately, that time will come too late for some people…
I add this to my list of reasons I love you.
Happy Anniversary!
I agree on all counts – marriage is about love, and should be undertaken with whomever you love the most, whomever you can imagine spending the rest of your life with. End of story.
So glad you found your whomever, and I hope the dinner celebration is as special as the wedding was.
Thanks for posting about marriage today. It is a sad day here in San Francisco.
And, I would love to read more of Alexa Abroad! Please!?
I am so disappointed and ashamed that this is happening. How can it be this way? Equality is for all, not some.
Canadian posting here, happy home of legal gay marriages so I respect that I really have no right to comment – all I want to do is beg that all religious people don’t get lumped in with the right-wing conservatives that oppose gay marriage. There are plenty of liberal, social-justice-minded Christians, and churches, that happily support same-sex marriage, and in fact, religious institutions that were performing these weddings before it was ever legal anywhere. I know it’s the right wing fundies that make the headlines, but really, there is no “religious” defense for opposing same sex relationships, and as it turns out, Jesus had astonishingly little to say on the subject. People who wave the Bible around as a defense for discrimination are not doing themselves or their faith any justice. It’s just an easy way to defend hatred without the onerous task of intelligent consideration. Excellent post, I love love love your blog.
Beautifully worded as usual. I am so disappointed in my home state that it’s breaking my heart. It’s more than tragic. It’s baaaad juris prudence.
May I also cast a vote for another installment of Alexa Abroad?
Happy Anniversary! And thanks for putting my feelings into words so eloquently.
And I’m looking forward to Alexa Abroad.
This is truly a fantastic post. I was so disappointed in the state of California last November when prop 8 passed. I like you have no problem if others believe that marriage should only be between a man and woman but I have a huge problem with those beliefs being forced on others.
Well said. And it’s too bad you had to say this at all.
So glad to read your words on this marriage discrimination!
And please check out the film, Outrage, a doc about closeted lawmakers who campaign against gay issues in order to protect their place in the closet. It speaks volumes about hypocrisy and how it affects our country’s laws and policies.
Word.
Happy Anniversary! It is indeed a shameful time to be a Californian. Between the Prop 8 fiasco and our current budget nightmare… Sad, sad, sad…
Thank you. It is a painful day for us and for so many people. This decision cheapens the whole institution of marriage.
Delurking to wish you a happy anniversary and thank you for your words today. I couldn’t agree more and I am so ashamed and disappointed that this discrimination continues. I really hope that the tides turn very soon and that EVERY PERSON can have the right to marry whomever HE/SHE wants.
Why, why, WHY are you not on the California Supreme Court? Will you drop this writing business right now and, I don’t know, take your LSATs or something…and…really woman! What are we going to do? Does the entire country not realize that the gay community has just become a stand-in for the African American community of the 1960′s and earlier? Let’s wake up people! Giving more rights to more people does not reduce the significance of your rights! It enhances them! (Okay, you write it much better than me, so don’t drop the writing. Just work in the Doctorate of Jurisprudence at night, okay?)
(Big sigh.) I am really, really disturbed about my fellow countrymen’s (and women’s) continued oppression of their fellow countrymen (and women).
Well said, and thank you for saying it. It is a dark, dark day for this native Californian.
Hear hear.
And Happy Anniversary.
a) Happy anniversary!
b) I’m sorry about my state. I was appalled when I heard the ruling. It shocked the Hell out of me. I don’t have a problem with religions deciding who can marry within their walls, but I could not believe that the will of the people was considered more important than equality, especially when the will of the people did not treat all equally under the law.
This was beautifully written. Once again you put into words what my heart can never communicate to my brain.
Happy Anniversary.
Hey there, I’m right behind you on the wedding anniversary — happy day to you and shame on California. Here’s what my daughter wrote in an email today.
“this is about the gay marriage ban. send it to 6 of your friends. it will eventually get to California. probably. DON’T BAN IT! DON’T BAN IT BECAUSE IT IS FINE! LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT! ( but if you want a good life you probably shouldn’t marry a criminal.) IF YOU HATE GAY MARRIAGE, ITS REALLY NONE OF YOUR BIDNESS! YOU DON’T GO AROUND SAYING “OH, UH, ALFRED, YOU GO MARRY FIONA. GEORGE! GO FALL IN LOVE WITH SARA.” WOULD YOU DO THAT? WOULD YOU? NO! OF COURSE YOU WOULDN’T! COME ON, PEOPLE DON’T JUST SIT THERE WATCHING THE TELEVISION! SEND THIS EMAIL ALL OVER THE PLACE! IF YOU HAVE RELATIVES OR FRIENDS IN DIFFERENT STATES WITH EMAIL ADDRESSES, SEND IT! ESPECIALLY IF THEY KNOW ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! SSSSSSSEEEEEEENNNNNNNDDDDDDD NNNNNNNOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!”
Happy Anniversary!
And thank you for your beautiful words. I’ve been too upset today (although not surprised) to find any myself, so this was a precious gift.
Finally, bring on more Alexa Abroad! I honestly think I’d read your grocery list, you’re just that amazing.
Amen! You took the words right out of my mouth.
Happy Anniversary! And please, more Alexa abroad, I need to live vicariously.
I wholeheartedly agree with your stance on same-sex marriage – I live in Canada, and I celebrated the day that my gay friends (and everyone, period) were awarded the same rights to marry that I have. All of the objections raised here, and the suggestion that homosexuals might be allowed to have some sort of “civil union” so as to not pollute the concept of “marriage,” made me want to scream My heart broke for my friends who wanted the option to get married one day, and had to fight to obtain this right. That all changed in 2003, and the point was driven home to me at my wedding, when a gay friend in a committed relationship mused that he would like to have a wedding one day. And if he wants to, he now can.
Thank you for posting this. I haven’t yet hit a point that I can write about it without anger firing out of my mouth. And what a horrible thing, to make the LESBIANS seem more angry.
Thank you so much for posting this. Thank you.
Right on, sister! Truly horrid that Prop 8 was upheld. Love shouldn’t be legislated.
And Happy Anniversary!
Bravo on a brilliant post, and Happy Anniversary! Love those cake toppers….
I had heard the news, and been angry, but this post is the one that started tears welling up. Well said, as always. Just because I happened to marry a man (and it could just as easily have gone the other way), everything is easier and cheaper. No fair.
I have campaigned for gay marriage for so damn long that if I wrote it here, no one would believe it. Anyway–it’s been a hard slog in Canada, but finally we won, and if I read the ruling correctly, America will too.
Did you see where the judge mentioned that the court was strictly ruling on the method of amending Prop 8 and whether it was allowed?
And where he talked about how this was not the way the Court might rule on the broader question?
Take heart, and have hope. Your day will come.
Thank you for so eloquently reminding me how wonderful it was to meet my husband, fall in love, combine books, stop wearing makeup, and get married. And how sad it is that others are being denied the right to do the same.
Great post… couldn’t agree more.
Well said — I couldn’t agree more.
I’m not sure why some people think that this form of discrimination is OK, but that banning two people with different skin colors (or ethnic backgrounds or religions) from marrying would be amoral. Guess it’s just the last stand of the cowardly and insecure. Thankfully, younger people seem to have “gotten over it”; I can only imagine that legislation will eliminate these ridiculous bans in the coming years, just not fast enough.
Seriously, I will never understand how faith and law have anything to do with each other.
Lovely. I never comment, ended up here through a friend, etc. — but this was truly lovely. Thank you.
amen, sister.
happy anniversary.
Happy Anniversary. Also, yes, yes, yes. Thank you for writing about this, as eloquently as always.
Amen.
(That was beautiful)
I could not agree with you more. Thank you
for writing this, you said it better than
I ever could.
Wonderfully put.
Well said. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.
Thanks, Alexa.
YAY! Happy Anniversary!!! My hubby and I were just married a year on the 6th; we’ll be together 5 years on June 27. Have a great life!
Forgot to add…. we’ve got a bunch of gay friends who just want to “fit in” in the world of couples and marriage, unfortunately a bunch of silly nonsense in most other states bans them from doing that. It’s just wrong, like you said, who the hell cares of a couple’s genitals match?
You can’t possibly know how much this well-written, well-thought, well-verbalized post has made me happy. My partner and I have been married (in Oregon) only to have the rug pulled out from under us a few months later. It’s something I’ll never understand. But thank you, for your wonderful support. It means a lot – more than you know.
Very well written. And I agree with you completely. Marriage in the eyes of the law and marriage in the eyes of the church are not the same thing. We do not make other perceived sins illegal – adultry, for example – so why this? It doesn’t make any sense.
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